It had been raining all day and Blair had felt the melancholy weighing her down. She woke that morning knowing this would be the day that she was finally set free.

The lawyer's office was sleek and bright with modern furniture, butter-soft leather seats for their wealthy clients to sink into as they made and broke contracts, signed away their lives, gained their freedom. The lawyer was short and heavy set, wearing a nice suit and stinking of expensive cologne that made Blair's nose itch. He sat at his huge desk and pushed a pile of papers towards her. For over an hour he instructed her where to sign, where to initial, going over all the details. Blair had felt weariness gripping her after a while. It had been so easy to get married. A quick ceremony, a few words, a million promises of forever. Ending a marriage was taxing, as if even the paperwork detailing the of breaking that vow had become a punishment for failure.

Chuck had sent her roses that morning. A dozen long-stemmed yellow beauties. A sign of friendship. Blair had smiled and took them from the delivery person standing awkwardly in the hallway, murmuring "Merci,". She had opened the card and read the message typed on the inside: I hope you get everything you want.

The lawyer across from her pulled at his collar and he looked like he was sweating. Blair thought it might be polite to suggest a break, maybe some coffee, but she didn't want to stall this process any longer. He'd flown in from New York yesterday on Chuck's behest, wanting to make sure Henry's school wasn't disturbed. Blair thought Chuck was a much better ex-husband than she'd ever expected.

When they were done the lawyer had stood up and shook her hand.

"Thank you, Mrs. Bass."

"Waldorf," Blair had said, gripping his sweating hand firmly, "I'm going back to Waldorf."

"Of course," the lawyer had murmured, although Blair was pretty sure he wasn't really listening to her. He was getting paid a lot of money for this transaction and it was probably one of the easiest divorces in the history of the Upper East Side. No bitterness, no arguments. Chuck was generous. He told Blair he had no reason to be otherwise. Henry was provided for. Blair was provided for as well. She could live reasonably on what Chuck was offering.

She decided to walk home from the office, umbrella tucked under her arm, her hair damp from the drizzle. It wasn't a long walk to her apartment they'd been inhabiting for the last three months since she and Henry had moved to Paris. She had a few hours before he blew through the door, his long hair shielding his eyes, skateboard under his arms, and Blair would never stop being struck at how much like his father he looked. He was twelve years old going on thirty five, the years of boarding school and being mostly on his own having given him a surprising maturity. Now, as he adjusted to going to a neighborhood private school and coming home to his mother every night, she and Henry were getting to know each other all over again. Someday Blair hoped she would be able to tell him how sorry she was that she hadn't fought harder for him. Henry being sent away was one of her greatest regrets. One of them. Her other major regret hung over her like a shroud, and sometimes Blair felt draped in its heaviness, unable to even move. Almost every night she dreamed of him, woke calling out his name, ached for his touch.

Dan. The love of my life.

They hadn't seen each other since that one night. Blair had woken up with Dan's arm heavy across her hip and she knew that she needed to leave. No matter how much she loved him, despite the fact that she now knew she would never love someone in the same way for the rest of her life, there was no future for them. Blair remembered how she had allowed herself to curl up into him, the way he smelled of sleep and sex and Dan, and she memorized him. Then she had carefully extracted herself from his sleep-heavy body, dressed with tears rolling down her face and did the right thing for both of them. She walked away.

Life had gone one, but around her everything seemed faded into various shades of gray since that night. She spent her days planning her move to Paris. Visited Henry at boarding school and told him they'd be moving soon. Emailed Chuck about their parenting agreement. Missing Dan every single day and knowing that the pain she felt wasn't going to ever find any relief. It would stay lodged in her chest forever.

She'd run into Serena once. Blair was leaving yet another appointment with the lawyer. She was going to Paris in only three weeks and it was time for Chuck and Blair Bass to put out the announcement that they were separating. A press release would go out as well as the required newspaper announcement. The world would finally know the true state of the Bass-Waldorf union. It would be three or four months more before everything would be final, but with the press release and announcement, Blair would finally be free to leave New York and head to her new home.

Nate was the first person she saw, recognizing his lithe figure as it emerged from a coffee shop, a white cup with a black lid gripped in his gloved hand. His hair was still the same blonde, short, almost boyish and he was wearing a long camel wool coat. Blair smiled. It had been ages since she'd seen Nate. With her marriage and his lack of marriage, their friendship had faded, but she had always missed having him around and the easy way they could talk to each other. She was about to call out his name when a woman emerged behind him, laying a hand on his arm, tilting her head up to say something, and Blair froze.

Serena.

Blair gulped and she felt her body turn cold. She started to turn away, hoping they didn't look her way when she heard her name. Blair stopped and slowly turned around to find Serena standing just a few feet from her, her eyes snapping with fury, her hands on her hips, her mouth a thin, tight line. Nate was standing behind Serena, eyes not meeting Blair.

"You finally got what you wanted, didn't you?" Serena said, her voice mostly steady but Blair could detect a slight tremor, a small sign of the rage that lie beneath Serena's polished surface. "It took a long time but that meant you could destroy me even more, didn't it?"

After all these years, it was still all about Serena. Blair wanted to protest, to tell Serena that it wasn't like that and that Serena wasn't the only one here who had lost. They all had. One mistake years ago and set things in motion that would only lead to pain, and it was inevitable that once she and Dan found each other again that everyone involved would get hurt. Mutually assured destruction in the form of love. Instead Blair said nothing.

"I hope you enjoyed fuckign my husband," Serena continued. "I hope it was worth it."

"I…" Blair managed to squeak out then she closed her mouth and said nothing more. Sleeping with Dan had set her free. If she'd never found Dan again she may never have decided to stand up to Chuck and end their marriage. And she had enjoyed it. Even with all the shame that came crashing, fucking Dan Humphrey after fifteen years of not having his fingers on her skin, not kissing him, not allowing herself to love him, had been cathartic. But Serena didn't want to hear this. Serena wanted her to be sorry. The only thing she was truly sorry for was that no matter what their nights together had meant, she and Dan could never have a life together. That wasn't entirely the truth. She was also sorry that Serena had to also realize she'd been living a lie, and that that realization had hurt her and trapped her instead of setting her free. She was sorry for all the pain, but she also didn't see how this could have happened without it. All of this had been set in motion fifteen years ago when Blair had made the wrong decision.

"You destroyed my family," Serena continued, her voice rising now, and Blair saw Nate step towards her, placing his hand on her arm.

"S.," Nate said softly. Serena's head turned at the sound of his voice. "it's not worth it."

Serena was crying now, soft, beautiful tears, and as always, she looked perfect, even filled with sadness and despair. Just like her family had looked perfect, until it wasn't. Blair could see how Dan believed he loved her all those years even if it wasn't the truth. Serena made it easy to believe your own lies. Blair wanted to tell her she was sorry. She never meant to love her husband. She never meant for Dan to love her back. She never meant to run after him in the rain, calling his name. But she would also never take it back. It wasn't a matter of fault as much as it was a matter of fate, but Serena would never understand that. She didn't want to.

Serena startled a little at Nate's words and her mouth opened and closed as if she wanted to say more, but she didn't. She just leveled a gaze full of pain and accusation at Blair and it was so strong, so hurt that Blair almost flinched. Serena turned away and Blair could see her shoulders shaking with silent sobs and as soon as Nate and Serena turned the corner, Blair leaned against the rough cement wall and started trembling. She wanted more than anything to call Dan, to tell him what had happened, but she couldn't. That path to the future was closed and even asking for support, or pretending they could strike up a friendship, was no longer an option. Blair was entirely on her own.

Three months later Blair was still on her own, walking down the street in Paris. She knew this was good, was what she needed, and she would be better, stronger, but today she didn't care. Today she ached for Dan and she wished she was weaker. All she wants is to go home, curl up in his arms and sob her heart out for what she's lost. Even though everything has gone smoothly, today is still the end of her marriage and with it the end of all of her teenage dreams. She'd tried to live them out and she'd failed. No matter how much she'd hated being married to Chuck, no matter how wrong it was for them to get married in the first place, there was still part of her that feels she has failed.

All she wants is Dan because she knows he would tell her that it would be okay and she would believe him, but she only has herself and Blair has found that she is sometimes too plagued with self doubt to truly believe what she knows to be true.

Blair's phone vibrates in her pocket and she glances at it, seeing Henry's face grinning back at her. She answers it and his voice is vibrant on the other end. She closes her eyes and thinks about how much she loves her boy.

"Mom." his voice is short, excited, "Remy got a new skateboard video and he invited me to stay over and watch it, and since there's no school tomorrow…."

Blair smiles. Her son is easy-going and has made a few good friends in a short time, Remy being one of them.

"Have his mom call me when you get there. And do your homework, and don't stay up all night," Blair says. She wants to go home and be alone anyway. She doesn't need to have her son see her cry. Henry tells her he loves her and Blair repeats it back, then he's hung up and she realizes she's back at the apartment.

She spends the next couple hours putzing around. She folds all of Henry's clothes. Writes and email to Dorota asking when she can make it over for a visit. She misses her maid terribly. When evening arrives Blair makes herself a cup of tea and some toast for dinner, eating it at the small kitchen table in a pool of light as the colors in the room fade to gray in the twilight. She thinks she should take the plate to the sink but then decides that she's going to do it in the morning. She feels tired, so tired that it seeps into her bones but she doesn't really want to go to bed because she knows she's just going to dream of Dan, and after a day like today, that might break her. Still, she decides she should probably not fight sleep. Tomorrow will be another day and she will still have Henry and even though she has a broken heart, life will go on just like it has for months now.

Blair stands up from the kitchen table, stretching a little, feeling how the cold has made her bones creak a little as she's gotten older. She makes a mental note that a yoga class might be nice. She pads her way towards the bedroom when she hears a knock on the door. She wonders who it could be, maybe Henry and Remy have had a fall-out and her gangly almost teenage son has forgotten his key again, or maybe it's just a stranger searching for a different apartment. She walks towards the door, noticing how the scent of the roses from Chuck wafts through the air as she passes by them. This makes her smile a little. She takes the handle, twists it and pulls the door open only to gasp.

Dan. Dan Humphrey is standing in the hallway, looking rumpled and sad and hurt and at the sight of him Blair feels a sharp ache that causes her breath to hitch. Blair starts to shake, letting go of everything she's been holding inside, and he's stepping inside, closing the door behind him, gathering her into his arms, murmuring her name, lips in her hair. She running her hands up and down his back, say his name over and over again.

"Dan."

TBC