The day upon which Edward left Bella over a paper cut would prove to be a metaphorical snowball that starts an equally metaphorical avalanche, an event that would make Edward wish that he had become an environmentalist extremist and boycotted paper in all forms from the beginning.
Bella sobbed and moped over Edward's sudden departure for altogether too long. Charlie became increasingly worried over her uncoordinated pacing and decided, after Bella had knocked over the bookshelf for the sixth time in two days, that she had become a danger to herself and others. He sent her to a counselor.
Dr. Eddington had had a stressful day, and did his best to smile when he saw yet another depressed (possibly suicidal?) teenager dragging her feet into his office. He was tempted to make his opening sentence "And what's your problem?" but didn't. The teenaged girl was almost impossible to talk to, but finally she began telling a long and boring story about how her boyfriend had left her and how wonderful the boyfriend was, et cetera, which allowed Dr. Eddington to relax and half listen while drawing pictures of his pet guppy, Nemo, on his clipboard. Nemo had died that very morning, leaving Dr. Eddington depressed, and forcing him to add yet another chapter to his growing autobiography, The Life and Times of a Sexy Stud Monkey. Dr. Eddington had tried to cheer himself up by watching a Star Trek episode, but five nameless redshirts had been tragically killed by an alien. "What a waste of human life." Dr. Eddington muttered.
"What?" said Bella.
"Never mind." said Dr. Eddington. "So, you say that this boyfriend was stalking you, watching you while you sleep, and-"
"It isn't like that!" Bella insisted, "And it's because he loved me anyway."
"And he left you because he loved you so much too, then?"
"Yes!"
"And how do you know?"
"He said so."
"Bella." Dr. Eddington said, hoping that Bella was actually her name and he hadn't written the wrong one down, "Your relationship with this 'Edward' was simply unhealthy. Seeing your boyfriend as 'perfect' can make you blind to his shortcomings or allow him to manipulate you. In this case, both."
"That's not true." Dr. Eddington sighed in response to Bella's protest. Usually patients took a while to see reason, and this wasn't going to be the miracle instant recovery he'd always dreamed about.
"You don't have to debate that at the moment. For now, just try to get out in the world. Take an art class, or something."
Bella did end up taking an extracurricular ceramics class. She was a terrible artist, but that didn't matter. She found herself relaxing more and getting over Edward. Charlie was delighted with the improvements, though he was rapidly running out of places to put Bella's badly painted twenty-pound teacups.
Edward was unhappy. He had been pining for Bella ever since leaving, and kept having bad dreams about her tripping and falling off a cliff. Alice, meanwhile, was having a reoccurring vision of Bella holding a dead cat. That, added to Rosalie's sudden decision to join a nunnery and Carlisle's obsession with magnets was almost enough to drive him insane.
Jacob was spending his life hiding in a bomb shelter in a desperate attempt at hiding from Mary Sues.
Bella was enjoying her ceramics class even more when she met the teacher's brother, Fred, who attended a few lessons in order to fix the lights. Bella was amazed at Fred's stories about being a taxidermist and, in a sudden decision to seize the moment, asked him if she could help out in his studio sometime that week.
Later, she talked about her troubles while Fred taught her how to do taxidermy on a gopher. Fred listened with sympathy as she told him how pointless life felt without Edward.
"Listen." Fred said when she was done, "You should never abandon hope. No matter how pointless life seems now, it is always possible that you will be able to contribute to society in unexpected ways. Just like Fluffy here." he added, indicating a taxidermy cat.
Over the years, Bella developed an interest in science and became a government weapons designer, playing a crucial role in World War Three. She met her future husband, Ray Eddington, during a taxidermy convention. Ray was actually the son of the psychologist who had set Bella on the path to recovery. Dr. Eddington's autobiography was now a worldwide bestseller, though its title had been changed to The Life and Times of a Psychologist.
At the age of one hundred and four, Bella realized that her eventful life was drawing near an end. She was surrounded by her children, and grandchildren, as well as several in-laws. Her great-grandson, Michael, was currently answering the door. When he did, he was surprised to see an incredibly handsome seventeen-year-old with very pale skin. Michael ran back to Bella's room. "There's a guy named Edward here to see you." said Michael.
"Slam the door." said Bella.