Jack(J) Ianto(I) Gwen(Gw) Doctor(TD) Gangsta Dalek(GD) Martha(M) Relationship_Councilor/The_Master(TM)
M: How do you know about project Indigo?
J: I met a soldier…in a bar
I: WHAT! What bar Jack? What soldier?!
J: NO! It's not like that!
I: Then what is it like, Jack?! HUH!?
J: I, uh.
I: Just admit it jack, you left me for some fancy pants army man! (pause) WAIT! When was this?
J: Tuesday…the 17th
I: Le Gasp! That was the day you were going to meet my parents.
J: IANTO! CHILL MAN!!!
I: SHUT UP YOU GAY WIERDO!
J: WE'RE BOTH GAY, duh, why else would we be together! If you're not committed to making this work the maybe we should (dramatic pause) TAKE A BREAK!!!
(everyone gasps suddenly wall crashes)
GD: EXTERMINATE!!! Whasup ma homies! Gangsta Dalek is in the house!
I: Shut up! Can't you see were gay!
Gw: Oooh! You are one fine Dalek!
I: What about that night we spent together Jack, Didn't that mean anything to you?
J: It meant nothing! you were just a plaything for me.
(Ianto Cries)
DG: Activate rapping mode!
Ooooh boy.
Not more of those humans
Hey dudes what's a happenin
I'm a rappinin hey man
I: How could you Jack I thought we were lovers I thought it was meant to be
J: I wont pretend it wasn't good at the time.
I: Wait I love you
J: What did you say dalek
GD: I said cheese it You dudes you got some issues man you're livin in the past man go in that closet and think about what you gay dudes said I'll bring a relationship counsellor…
(they go into closet)
I: Yeah, I came out the closet years ago
J: Wow its kinda intimate in here
I: Year its kinda a…turn on
(lean closer and hippy master bursts in they look very embarrassed…)
TM: Hey my flowery lil Dudes. I'm your relationship councillor. The peace master is in.
(Jack and Ianto raise eyebrows at each other)
TM: I hope I'm not interrupting anything …am i…?
J: NO NO NO WE WERE JUST CHATTING…about…cheese …?
TM: Good …well the metal dude and the dark haired chick who are making out in the corridor said that you guys were having some relationship problems…
I: Gwen is makin out with the gangsta dalek!
J: That is soooo like her
TM: Don't try to avoid the issue
J: Did you see those shoes she was wearing this morning
I: Yeah…talk about Jimmy Choo screw-up
(snigger)
TM: DUDES WE HAVE TO STAY FOCASSED AND THINK ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND HERE!!!
(master suddenly crushed by TARDIS doctor burst out)
TD: laydies, laydies please don' figh' there's pleanty uh me to go a'round
J: umm…we weren't fighting over you doctor
TD: well… that's a first
(Master crawls out from under the TARDIS)
TM:
YOU!
TD: YOU!
TM: YOU!
TD: YOU!
TM: YOU!
TD:
YOU!
TM: YOU!
TD: YOU!
TM: YOU!
TD: YOU!
I: Umm…do you guys know each other?
GD: Two gay guys! Malfunction! Going into rapping mode!
Gangster Dalek rap
Jack and Ianto are goin' strong
The master is thong
Ohh yeah exterminate
Ohhh yeah
Martha is real flash bang
The doctor is wicked man
Ohh yeah exterminate
Ohh yeah
Gwen is quite disturbed
Reece is quite perturbed
Ohhhh yeah exterminate
Ohh yeah come on now
(Everyone starts dancing like Michael Jackson)
I: Yup! Another ordinary day in the Torchwood hub; My jealousy issues, Gwen snogging anything that moves, Jack's rage and many creepy strangers bursting in at unexpected intervals. Yeah, another ordinary day.
TD: CONGAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The End
A/N In the end of a Doctor who episode Jack mentions project indigo and Martha asks how he knows about it. Jack responds with his Soldier line. This is how we thought the conversation should have continued from there. By all of us.