A/N: In which Misato has the displeasure of informing Asuka of the reality of things, and we find out some things about the Ikari men…
Title: Asuka the Psychopath
"Asuka, we need to talk." The indigo-haired Operations Director of NERV told one of her charges one evening while she was spread out over the couch, leaving her other charge to sit on the ground, while both were watching a news report.
"Yes, Misato?"
"Ritsuko and I have had a few discussions, and she's persuaded me that you have some… problems."
Asuka snorted, not taking her eyes off the screen "Just tell me already, what does that bottle blonde think is wrong with me this time?"
"Well, she has come to the conclusion that you are a psychopath, sometimes termed sociopath. I agree with her based on your behavior."
Shinji and Asuka both blinked several times at this pronouncement.
Misato laid things out "You have low fear in general, large tolerance of unfamiliarity and danger, high self-confidence, and high social assertiveness, so you fill the Boldness category. While it is true that EVA pilots in general need to be somewhat nuts, you also fill the other two categories. These are Disinhibition and Meanness."
Asuka's mouth was hanging open by this point "Disinhibition and Meanness? But—"
"Let me finish! You have poor impulse control, problems with planning and foresight, like what caused Shinji's Dirac Sea ordeal. You also often show a lack of urge control, demand for instant gratification, and poor behavioral constraints. If it wasn't because Shinji seems to be a masochist he'd have murdered you in your sleep long ago for how you treat him, and gotten away with it because we wouldn't be able to afford losing another pilot. That brings me to Meanness. You have a disdain of close attachments, you distinctly lack them, you basically beat Shinji into submission, and you clearly exploit him far too much. The only reason you let loose a hint of giving a damn after he came back from the Dirac Sea was, in Rits' professional opinion, to reel him in by baiting him with some modicum of warmth so that he stays obedient. You also have, considering these issues, high defiance toward authority and destructive excitement seeking. Basically, you have managed to somehow cover all three bases of psychopathy within the months you have spent here in Japan. How would you like to explain this?"
"Uh…" The redhead's mouth flapped up and down several times before she finally said "I thought the whole 'tsundere' thing was still popular here like it has been since before Second Impact?"
Shinji's head turned around glacially slowly after he held his hand up for silence. Misato was vaguely surprised Asuka actually gave it to him. "If our life was an anime or manga, or any form of entertainment as radical as the Evangelion project would warrant, Misato and I would both be face-planting right about now. You can see that we are not, in fact, face-planting. The conclusion must then be that our life is not an anime or manga."
Asuka's hands made their way into her hair and claws at her scalp as if she was trying to split her head open like a mandarin orange. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I WAS ONLY MAKING A BITCH OF MYSELF?" She was mystified by Shinji's face flushing red at this.
Misato answered instead "Gossip says Commander Ikari is such a masochist that he is ashamed of it and tried to overcompensate by becoming commander of NERV." Asuka rolled her eyes at Misato's avoidance of Ritsuko's name. Did the bottle blonde not know everyone knew of her banging the commander? "However all his efforts to overcome the habit have thus far been unsuccessful, so it's not that surprising that Shinji would have inherited it."
"…Shinji, what sort of woman was your mother?" Asuka said in vague wonder.
The boy remained mute in shame of his masochistic obsession. It was at this point that Asuka realized resting her feet on his shoulders was a TERRIBLE idea if she ever wanted to encourage him to grow a spine. Though having him submissive doesn't sound so bad… "So, how do you recommend I go about removing myself from the sociopath watch-list? Besides being less tsun—I mean, bitchy?"
"That's about it."
Asuka slowly applied her hand over her eyes, then decided to mash some non-German European languages to express her irritation over the huge hole she dug herself without anyone telling her it was NOT how Japan worked. "…Le sigh."
Unfortunately for all involved, Asuka still managed to hospitalize Shinji the next week. This was accomplished by ordering Shinji to step on her and scream insults at her to try to encourage him to cut back on the masochism. Shinji ended up having a stroke due to the conflicting logic of a masochist hating sadism and therefore suffering from it, but at the same time enjoying suffering from it.
After the next sync test with only Unit 00 and 02 involved, apparently some gossip happened between the colorful behemoths. Unit 01 broke free of restraints, went to the NERV hospital where Asuka was visiting a comatose Shinji, and proceeded to flip her two thumbs up and a lot of barking laughter, before grabbing Shinji's hospital bed and dumping him into the entry plug, to heal him. The event was not recorded in the NERV Annals thanks to the interference of one Commander Ikari.
The man might be a sociopath, but even he was interested in covering his own ass. If Shinji ended up leaking the secret about his extreme masochism, well… even his poker face wouldn't be able to hide the sheer pleasure from the pain to his ego. It had its limits, despite its ability to hide the pain from, much of the time, having a catheter or other toy up his…
For the minds and souls of readers, the things that Ritsuko Akagi are sometimes confused by, things that Gendo Ikari request with alarming regularity (and which Yui Ikari once did to him occasionally as rewards), have been censored. However, readers are encouraged to note that NERV was originally short for Nutjobs of Every Recognized Variety when the name was proposed by one Yui Ikari.
A/N: The Shinji meltdown was inspired by "The Diary of a Sharp and Masochistic Admiral" on Danbooru, which is a series of KanColle comics.
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