Text War Context
Disclaimer: Victorious and its characters are the property of Schneider's Bakery and Nickelodeon. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. No profit is intended or wanted for this story.
That distinctive tone was suddenly heard and Tori shot up in bed.
"What the…heck?"
Groping in the dim light of her Cuddle-Me Cathy nightlight, she found her PearPhone. The screen showed the following message.
You've heard of Murphy's Law, right?
Tori typed, Yes… Why?
The reply was quick:
It states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
Confused, and still sleepy, Tori typed, So?
You heard of Cole's Law?
No…
It's thinly sliced cabbage.
You woke me up at 3 AM to tell me a coleslaw joke?
There was a long pause.
Don't tell me you didn't at least chuckle.
Another long pause, from Tori's end. If by chuckle, you mean groan…
Ha!
Anyway, Cat told me this morning… Uh, yesterday. She didn't even understand it.
Jade?
Jade?
"What the hell?" Tori asked before she tried to fall asleep. It failed, and she lay awake for over an hour.
Walking into school, Tori went up to Jade, "Why did you text me in the middle of the night?"
"I didn't call you."
"Your number was on my caller ID!" Thanks to a project the previous semester, Tori now had Jade's cell and home numbers.
"I didn't call you, Vega. I texted you," the raven-haired girl stated as she walked off.
"Jeez, whatever…"
That night, at the same time – 2 AM - Tori's phone chimed. As she grabbed it, she sighed at the caller ID.
You're in a bathroom with 1 door & no windows. You wanna take a bath so you start the water then close the door. The handle breaks. You try to turn off the water & that handle breaks. How do you keep from drowning?
Really Jade? You wake me up to ask me a darn riddle?
How do you keep from drowning?
With a sigh, Tori types, Dunno… Use the faucet handle on the door?
Wrong!
Then how?
Pull the plug! Duh!
Jade!
Jade?
"Jeez…"
A week after the midnight texts started, Tori confronted Jade yet again – as she had every day. To no avail.
"Jade, Why have you… You have to stop these weird texts in the middle of the night!"
"Why?"
Tori sighed, "I can't go back to sleep for over an hour. A couple of times, it takes almost two hours…"
"Poor baby…"
Again, sometime after midnight, Tori's phone signals. She tries to ignore it and the chime stopped. Then it started up again. She knew it would keep going if she didn't answer. Anyway, she was awake now…
What do you call an extra knight?
Knight? Like armor and lances?
Vega can read at a 3rd grade level!
Jade!
So?
Dunno. A post knight?
What? No!
Well?
Well what?
Jade, answer?
Sir Plus… Say it out loud.
"Surplus," Tori muttered aloud. "Oh God!"
That was bad, Jade.
Jade?
Jade?
"Man, this is getting old," Tori said to her phone as she lay back, managing to fall asleep over an hour later. Again.
This time, it was a concept, not a riddle or a brain teaser.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Jade!
The call was disconnected. Tori turned on her TV to watch old sitcoms as that thought kept tumbling around in her brain. She finally fell asleep only a couple of hours before her alarm.
Why did the ghost get busted in the playground?
I don't know, Jade.
For giving the kids boos!
You get that from Cat?
Again, the call was ended and Tori sat up in bed, irritated as she watched a really bad old spy movie.
What did the shoes say to the new pants?
What?
What up, britches!
A cloud was my mother, the wind is my father, my son is the cool stream, and my daughter is the fruit of the land. A rainbow is my bed, the earth my final resting place, and I'm the torment of man. Who Am I?
That's easy, Jade. Rain.
Very good. You get a cookie!
Why did the hamburger go to the bakery?
To pick up some hot buns!
Do you know how interesting diamonds are?
Huh?
Well, they have many facets.
After nearly three weeks of Jade's early morning calls, Tori was practically sleep walking. She never could fall back to sleep easily once she woke up. And several nights, she stayed awake until Jade texted her but then was still awake for another hour or two afterwards anyway.
In truth, part of her looked forward to those texts. But a bigger part hated having her sleep interrupted.
Jade swaggered up to Tori, "HA! I got it!"
Having given up on the audition since she was too tired to concentrate on the script, Tori yawned, "Got what?"
With a haughty look, Jade replied, "The lead role! I'm Lady MacBeth! Ha-ha-ha!"
A week later, rehearsals started.
The first night after the initial read-throughs, Jade was sleeping soundly when her phone chimed.
Groping blindly while half-asleep, she blearily looked at the screen.
Unconsciously sounding like Seinfeld referring to his nemesis, she snarled, "Vega…"
You hear about the tragic accident at the air base? A bag of popcorn was run over by a jeep and two kernels were killed.
"Damn it, Vega!"
But Jade had to admit to herself, the peppy pain-in-her-ass gave as good as she got.
Why is it always in the last place you look?
What is it?
Anything.
Dunno, Vega. Why?
Because only a dope would keep looking!
You fall in water. What's the first thing you do?
Surface.
Nope! You get wet!
The same continued for the next two weeks. Jade didn't lose much sleep, she had always been able to drop off almost immediately, even after the rude awakenings by Vega. And she was curious to see how the other girl handled it.
Tori wasn't doing nearly as well. She couldn't fall back to sleep after texting Jade, no matter what she did. Still, she stuck if out, figuring Jade would succumb sooner or later.
The night before the premier, Jade got another text.
What happens when a sheikh doesn't like the turban he's wearing?
With a sigh, Jade responded, IDK
He calls for a turban renewal, Tori replied.
The premier of Hollywood Art's rock version of MacBeth went off without a hitch. Even Tori, who dozed off during intermission, had to admit Jade was far better as Lady MacBeth then she would've been.
"But I really wanted to sing Out, Damned Spot…" she muttered to herself.
Then she quietly mouthed the lyrics as Jade sang them on stage:
"Out, damned spot! Out, I say!
One, two. Why, then, 'tis time to do 't. Hell is murky!
Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?
Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him."
After the opening verse, she continued with the chorus of the doctor, the gentlewoman and Lady MacBeth as they sang:
"Do you mark that?
Do you mark that?
Do you mark that?
Do any of you mark that?"
Jade sang the next verse and Tori, who didn't know that as well since she didn't get the role – Or understudy! – just listened.
"The thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now?
What, will these hands ne'er be clean?
No more o' that, my lord, no more o' that.
You mar all with this starting."
Tori leaned over to Beck, admitting, "She's doing this one better than I could."
Beck didn't argue, merely said, "She can belt out a tune. I used to love listening to her rehearse when we were still together."
After the show, Tori came up to 'Lady MacBeth' and said, "You did an awesome job out there Jade!" She hugged the girl, fatigue causing her to forget Jade and hugs, "I'm so proud of you!"
Strangely, Jade accepted and said, "Thank you, Tori.
"You look exhausted! Go home."
Tori nodded. She wanted to go to the after party but bed and sleep sounded even better.
As she walked away dejectedly, her phone chimed.
"Again? Damn…"
Call me tomorrow.
Tori went home with a little spring in her step.