Bella was marvelling at Edward's enormous sparkly potential. She didn't want to wait any longer; she needed to get him inside her immediately. But he was a distracted man. He couldn't think of anything he could do to make himself lustful because Jacob was a werewolf and he was into bestiality. Bella was simply distraught as she wanted to be the one who lit Edward's torch. If she knows how to give head decently, Edward might fancy a quickie. She immediately practiced on a gherkin.
Meanwhile, Bella's eyes lit up the room. They glowed like a glow worm. Edward didn't find it attractive though, he was ogling someone else – Jacob. Gay rights were all he could think about right then, because the Christians wanted to ensure nobody who was a gay could get a cock. There suddenly happened to be a huge rainbow in Jacob's window; the signs were all obvious. The lovely Edward was determined to win Jacob's affections, by any means necessary. Even illegal or disgusting means. So he armed himself with lube and cucumbers and went to Jacob's front passage. He was nervous but there you go. "What are YOU doing here, especially with those items!" cried Jacob.
"I've got a proposition for you," said Edward haughtily yet shitting on his knees. "There's something I'd like to do to you and your body. And it's a whole cucumber. How will you like that?" moaned someone who never re- appeared.
Jacob was astonished. He had an easily measurable level of erection. "I don't want to go too fast. But I wouldn't mind giving you a massage." This pleased Edward because he was willing to take him any time he liked, even if there were repercussions.
SUDDENLY out of nowhere, Dumbledore appeared. "I've never seen anything so delightful in my life!" he intoned. For the longest time he laughed out loud, because he loved a bit of egg nog.
So Dumbledore died. Edward meanwhile was constructing a plan to get Jacob's trousers off. His massive obligation to vampires didn't matter because that was the bees honeypot. Jacob always had honey for emergencies, especially for toast. He ate some toast. Using a implement, he ladelled juices onto Edward's back for the massage. It was divine. "Ooh yes!" cried Edward and Bella (she had followed a taxi to get her man). But Jacob remained aroused. He slid his fingers down Edward's back passage.
Shocked at this, Bella decided to show Edward how to do massages. But Jacob screamed in surprise and turned on-ness. He really needed to get his act together, and so he growled as he transformed into a dog.
Edward looked on in a way that suggested he wanted a good hard seeing to.
END OF CHAPTER 1. MORE TO COME :-) !11!