Epiphany

Buffy was curled up in her bed holding the now tear stained shirt Spike had left behind earlier. She sniffled and drew it closer to her. He had come home with her after patrol and things had gotten a bit...personal. They had ended up in her bed and Buffy swore she was still reeling in the aftershocks. But afterward something in her had snapped and called him everything she could think of.

He had pulled his pants and boots on, grabbed his duster and stormed off. Buffy had immediately regretted what she had done and had wanted to go straight after him. But the shock of what she had said and everything else that had happened that night had caused her to collapse on her bed and cry, having only enough energy to reach down and grab the black shirt she now clutched like a life line.

As she laid there and thought she had realized why she had snapped. It had been Spike's gentle and tender actions toward her that had made her go off like that. She was use to fucking, oh how she was use to fucking. But last night had been different. He had pinned her hands above her and had worshipped her body. Buffy shivered as she recalled the paths of cold fire Spike's mouth and hands had paved over her body.

Spike threatened everything she had been told. Vampires were supposed to be vicious, ruthless and evil through and through Not that Spike couldn't be vicious and ruthless when he wanted to be, but the rest of the time he was a walking paradox! He could be angry one minute and protecting Dawn the next. And he was always passionate. A passionate fighter, a passionate arguer and a passonate lover.

Lover.

Love.

He loved her no matter how much she denied it he loved her and if Buffy would get out of a certain river she loved him too. That was her problem. She could say it was because he was soulless and that he had tried to kill her. But the real reason she wouldn't let him in was simple. Every man in her life had left her. Her father, Angel, Parker, and Riley. They had all left. And Buffy knew that if someone she really loved - If Spike left- it would destroy her. But. She told herself Spike hadn't left. Even when she wanted him to. She knew that Spike wouldn't leave her, hell he'd probably come back even if he dusted seeing that nobody stayed dead very long in Sunnydale.

Buffy made a mental list, the Pro's and Con's of loving and being with Spike

Pro's
Understands me better than my friends
He's as good a fighter as I am
He has my back
He loves Dawn like a sister
Dawn loves him too
He has vampire stamina
He loves me

Con's
He's a vampire
He's only restrained by a chip
My friends don't like him
I don't know what would happen if the chip stopped

Well she sighed the pro's outweigh the con's. Giles and Xander would be a problem. They both loathed Spike. Xander more than Giles but the hate was still strong. She knew Dawn and her mother would be ecstatic, they both adored Spike. Tara and Willow just wanted her to be happy.

Buffy frowned as she recalled Spike's parting words to her. I love you Buffy, but even I have my limits. "Oh god!" Buffy gasped what if she had pushed him to the edge? What if he did leave? No! She wouldn't let him! She would go to his crypt and beg for forgiveness, explain her little epiphany to him. He had asked for a crumb...well she had a whole friggin cookie!

So here she was. Justoutside the crypt that hopefully contained her enire reason to live. Taking a deep breath she pushed the heavy stone door open and saw him. He was sitting in the old armchair in front of his tv. A bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a stake in the other. Spike didn't look up when she walked in just sat there ans stared at a small duffel bag in front of him.

"I've been thinkin'" He spoke suddenly "Should I pack up and leave or just stake m'self now?" He gave a bitter laugh and looked up at Buffy. "So slayer ya here for another round of kick the Spike or fuck the Spike?"

She didn't answer just stared at him, horrified at what she had done.

"Well slayer? Gonna answer?"

"I had an epiphany...about you." Spike didn't say anything but she could see the curiosity in his eyes, along with pain, hurt and love. "I came here to apologize Spike, I treated you like shit and you didn't deserve any of it.

"That's all well and good slayer but-"

"No I'm not finished. You asked me once for a crumb and I've got the whole cookie. I am so fucking tired of everyone trying to run my life for me and its about time I did something I wanted not what someone else thinks I want."

"Buffy are you sayin' what I think you're sayin' 'cause if you ain't..." Spike trailed off unable to complete the sentence.

Buffy smiled at him and took a step closer "Spike...I love you."

She had barely spoken the words when she found herself pulled into Spike's strong embrace. "Say it again luv, I need to hear it." He sobbed into her hair.

"I love you Spike."

"Oh god...Buffy...love you so much!"

"shhhhh..." Buffy soothed, feeling her own tears fall down her cheeks. They sank to the floor holding each other and they cried, tears of joy and relief. One cried for the fact someone finally loved him and the other because she hadn't pushed him too far away.