He sat back in the over-sized leather chair and clenched his fist a couple times. He had been writing in his journal for well over an hour now, without attempting a break, except to wipe his eyes when the tears would fall. His hand was certainly feeling it at this point, and a little break would do him good right now.
He closed his eyes tightly as he saw the smiling face of his former fiancee, Cassidy. He loved the way she could laugh at something small. Her laughter seemed to echo through his head, but it was a sound he was comforted by. It was one of the many things he had loved about her. She was so carefree and lovable, he couldn't help but remember that about her.
It had been one year today that they had been apart. It had damn near killed him having to let her go, but it was something he had to do. There was no choice in the matter, as he thought about it now, but it was still something that didn't sit with him right. Somethings, life just wasn't fair, and he had witnessed that first hand.
He opened his eyes and wiped the tears that were forming in his eyes. His eyes were already red and his vision was beyond blurry. He had spent the better part of the morning crying, something he had grown accustomed to. The pain didn't seem to ease with time. It only manifested deep within him and found a home deep in his heart.
He leaned forward as his eyes scanned the picture frame of happier times with the two. A small smile played on the corners of his lips as he grabbed the picture. He traced an outline of her face with his fingertips, as he remembered her excitement on that day. He had just proposed to her and she wanted a picture to document it. Hence, the picture that now sat on his desk at all times. He replaced the picture back to its spot, as he picked up the pen and began writing in his year-old journal.
He had taken up writing ever since they had ended, addressing the leather-bond book to her. Every entry was written to her, as if she would reply, but he knew the harsh reality. She wouldn't, but he continued to write. The truth was, it gave him resolution in some small way. It helped him cope a little bit more. As his eyes became blurry once more, he let his mind become free once more and the words began filling the paper...
I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph;
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
I just looked at our picture. It helps ease the pain a little until I think about the fact of us no longer being together. Then the harsh reality sinks back in, and I'm left to debate about my future and what it holds. I don't really think I have much of a future if you're not in it, but what can I do?
It's been a year and the time has slipped by, day by day, and I still sit here and cry even more thinking about how we used to be together. Why was it taken from us? Why did you have to leave me? Why am I alone now? I haven't even thought about dating someone else. I just compare them to you before I even get the words out of my mouth.
Cassidy, I loved you. I still do. There's nothing in this world that would ever change that. Not my WWE career, not my previous lifestyle and certainly no one night stand or some random chick. You were it for me. I don't know if I ever told you that enough, but it's all true. I know I never would have waisted a lifetime of happiness on a 15 minute fling.
Sometimes, I just can't take this depression no more. Is it a depression that I am in? Or am I just merely coping with the fact that we are no longer together? Hell, I don't know, but I do think about that all the time and the only thing it leads me is more wasted tears on my pillow case at night.
You know I've never wrote in a journal and I've certainly never liked reading or writing much, but it has helped me cope a little ever since I've started this thing. I'm on my last piece of paper and I plan on delivering this to you today when I come to visit you. I just felt you needed to know how I've felt day in and day out for the past year. It's killed me being apart from you and the only thing I know is my love for you continues to grow. I just can't seem to let you go. I know I'll never stop loving you and sometimes the pain is almost unbearable to live with.
You know, I wonder all the time, since we aren't together now, were we meant to be?
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore
He slammed the pen down once more as he buried his head in his hands and let the tears fall freely now. There was no holding them back this time. He was completely emotionally drained and the last line he had wrote, angered him to no extent.
Of course we were meant to be! What the hell am I thinking?
He looked up and opened his eyes once more. The snow had stopped falling and he knew he would be leaving soon to deliver the journal to her. He didn't know what good it would do, but he hoped it would help him heal somewhat. He didn't know how much longer he could continue this life. The past year had been hell. His co-workers knew it, his friends knew it, his family knew it. Hell, he knew it. He lived it!
He picked the pen back up, forcing himself to finish the last entry. He had to dry his tears, push through this last entry and move on with his life. It was the only way he would heal. He had to do it for his own sanity.
I held you on a pedestal for so long. You were my princess! I loved you! I still do. I know I continue to say that, but I still do and I know I will until my dying breath. Everything is just so...broken now. I think that's the right word.
My heart is broken, my life is broken. Our relationship is broken. I can't get you back and I think I've accepted that. I really do, but it still doesn't help this hurt any less. I want you with me by my side like it used to be. Sometimes, I blame myself for what happened. Was it my fault? Should I have been there more? Should I have taken a lesser work load? Was there anything I could have done to stop this from happening?
Anyway, I know I'll be leaving soon and I really want to leave this on a good note. I need to. It's the end of a journey for me. I have to move on. No matter how much I don't want to. No matter how much longer I want to hold on to you and the thought of you coming back to me so we can live happily ever after. I just know it isn't real.
So, with that being said, I love you, Cassidy. I always have and I always will. I will carry you with me for the rest of my life. This isn't easy and life without you won't be easy, but I have to move on. I love you and I know we'll be together sometime again.
Randy
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
He slammed the book shut and sealed the ribbon around it, tying it securely at the ends. He grabbed a tissue from the desk and wiped his eyes before standing and placing the book neatly under his arm.
It was time to face the music and get on with his life. He didn't know how much strength he would have afterwards, but he knew it would only get better from here. It had to. Life couldn't get much worse at this point.
He trotted down the stairs and grabbed his car keys before slipping his jacket on and was out the door. As he fired the engine to his car, he drew a deep breath in as he pulled out of his driveway and made the short distance to where his ex-fiancee was.
He let his mind trail to happier times between them. He smiled, recalling the memories. But, that's all they were now. Memories. Something he had to deal with. He would no longer have the chance to hold her one more time. He had to let her go; be free.
She would hate that he was carrying on in the manner he was. Especially for the past year, but he was left with no other choice. Things ended on a very rapid note and it was something that haunted his dreams at night. Most of all, he hated being lonely. She had been the only person on the face of the earth that had completed him, fully. Now, he was left completely alone to face everything by himself.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
He pulled up to his destination and sighed as he cut the engine and looked out the window at the vast land in front of him. He closed his eyes, forcing the tears not to fall this time. He had to do this without tears. He had to be strong. He could do this, he was sure of it. He had to do it for Cassidy.
As he grabbed the book and slid it under his arm once more, he slammed his door shut and walked up the pebbled pathway to where she was. His stomach began tying in knots and his heart began beating rapidly. His nerves were getting the best of him, but he knew it was almost over with. There would be more tears shed, but the pain would slowly go away. He could ride it out a little bit longer.
As he caught site of the marbled tombstone, his breath caught in his throat and he took a step backwards. He read her name over and over in his mind, before he was able to take another step forwards and place his shaky hand on the stone to steady his balance.
"Oh Cassidy, baby, this is so hard!" he said, the tears dripping from his eyes as he exhaled deeply and bent down by her grave site.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
He closed his eyes, trying to shake the truth of where he was and why he was here. No matter how much he tried, he was reminded of the hard truth and what he had to do. He had to let her go.
"Why did you have to leave me? I'm...so sorry I wasn't there. I should have done something to stop the accident! Baby, I...I love you, but this is so hard!" he said again, letting the tears fall again as his shoulders began to shake and he hung his head.
As he recomposed himself, he looked up once more and dried his eyes. He knew he would always love her. That was something he didn't have to fight with because it was evident; and strong. It was something that wouldn't go away.
"I love you, baby. I just wanted to drop this off to you and maybe...I don't know. I'm just trying to live without you here and I'm...I'm trying. That's all I know. Cassidy, it kills me every day." he said, as he felt even more tears fall down his cheek and into the light dust of snow below.
He felt a small, gentle breeze blow past him as he closed his eyes and drew a deep breath in. He smelled a faint scent of vanilla and raspberries, something he remembered Cassidy wore almost religiously. He loved that smell and he almost forgot what it did to his senses until now. He knew she was here with him. He could feel her, everywhere.
"I'll carry you with me until my last breath. I'm trying to move on and continue life, and I know I will, in my own time. Just look down on me every once in while. Check up on me and make sure I'm being good." he said, with a laugh.
"I'm still hurting, but I think I'll be alright. I'll always be...broken." he started, as more tears began stinging his eyes. "But, I'll be fine." he finished in almost a whisper.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone
You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore
He felt the wind pick up once more and smelt the same familiar scent as before. He smiled to himself and shook his head as he stood and placed his hands in his pockets. Somehow, someway, he knew he would be alright. She was in his heart for a lifetime and he would never let that go.
"I love you, baby face. I'll see you soon." he said, as he placed a kiss on his fingers and placed it on the small bubbled-picture on the marker.