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Anime Battle Royal I
Chapter 1
Thursday, November 08, 2001
Vegeta, Trunks, Kirby, Serge and all related characters are
owned by Naoko Takeuchi, Akira Toriyama, FUNimation, Nintendo, Playstation and
others.
Sun, Snorb, and Matt are all owned by us.
All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their
respective owners.
The Anime Battle Royal (c) 2001 - THE END OF TIME
WARNING
This fic has been rated PG-13 for language and some sexual comments that kids
wouldn't understand anyway. Minors shouldn't view this fic... but hey, if you
really wanna... by all means. . ENJOY!
WARNING
()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. is an onomatopoeia. K? K.
-Chris, Chris, and Matt
BTW, fanfiction [dot] net is realy a great tool. Thanx a lot guys! Maybe someday u'll figure out how to let us keep symbols in our text! Yup, none of those thingees over the 8 key or those thingees over the 6 key, or any kool smiles.... i would make a cry face but i cant.
To see the abr as it was intended, visit directsun [dot] net
if u cant figure that out, I pitty jew.
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[Introduction Episode]
(Cut to "The Cell Games" arena. The opening theme from Final Fantasy VII is playing.)
Announcer: (steps into arena) Hey, there! Do you remember me?!
Crowd: (remains silent. A cricket is heard chirping.)
Announcer: (holds up a picture of Mr. Satan)
Crowd: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
Announcer: Hey, you know him! So, since I announced for this guy, you should applaud for me, too!
Crowd Member #61396: cough
Announcer: Shut up! (pulls out a Super-Duper-Kill-O-Zap-Phaser-Photon-Mako-Cannon-Blaster(tm), and blasts the aforementioned spectator into subatomic particles)
Crowd: (sweatdrops) YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
Announcer: Okay... anyways, I am here to be your announcer for...
(dramatic pause)
Announcer: The first ever Anime Battle Royal!
Crowd: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY [This joke is wearing thin...]
Announcer: I'll be your announcer for this load of crap. YAYME. Here are your hopefully unbiased judges. Each has been tried and tested in the field of anime, battling, and Yo Mamma lunchtable jokes. First, Chris Mattera, who has requested I call him "Sun." If you didn't already know, he is DIRECTSUN and owns directsun [dot] net ;) [isnt fanfiction [dot] net a bitch?]
The Gentleman Whom We Shall Now Refer To As "Sun": Howdy.
Crowd: (sweatdrops)
Sun: Applaud, dammit! (charges a Kamehameha.)
Crowd: (applauds.)
Announcer: Next, some guy who sits with the other two judges every single day, barring some sort of shit. Here's Matt Bulick.
Matt: Hey, I first wanna say not to call m-
Crowd Member 2831: Hey Boo-lick!
Matt: (raises very large firearm)
Crowd Member 2831: (eye twiches just before being turned to ash)
Matt: Viva la Booke!
Crowd: ...
Matt: (Gives crowd the evil eye.)
Crowd: (applauds)
Announcer: Finally, the guy whose very existance is in Serge Insula's hands, (reads cue card) (aside to prompter) Dammit, not another Chris! (to audience) Chris Schnorrbush, who has requested I call HIM "Snorb".
The Other Chris: H-
Crowd: BOO! HISS! GET OUTTA HERE!
Snorb: Fuck you all. Seriously.
Announcer: Okay... now that we've got our judges out of the way, here are our contestants. Nine battle-scarred veterans of armed anime combat... no, wait- all the brave toughs from Akira got 86'd by Tetsuo-
Sun: KANEDA
Snorb: TETSUO
Sun: KANEDA
Snorb: TETSUO
Sun: KANEDA
Snorb: TETSUO
Sun: KANEDA
Snorb: TETSUO
(this whole discourse continues for about 5 hours)
Sun: (panting) KANADA
Snorb: (body tilting) TETSUO
(They both fall to the ground)
Crowd: ...
Matt: Ummmm... (smiles) I'm Matt.
Announcer: Great... superve judges... Okay.... now, to introduce our nine contestants in this double elimination tournament- First heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Vegeta!
Vegeta: (enters the stadium, and gives his "I-am-the-prince-of-all-saiyans-and-you-can't-beat-me" expression)
Announcer: Next, that Mako-enhanced stud... WAIT! Who writes these cue cards?!
(offstage.)
Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, and Barrett: Tee hee hee...
Announcer: Clod... err... (Cloud gives him a threatening glance) CLOUD Strife!
[Look, let's just assume that the crowd applauds everyone but the last guy, okay?]
Cloud: I don't care about your names. Once I win, I'm outta here.
Announcer: Thirdly, the horrendous marshmallow-like Borg from the planet Popstar, heeere's Kirby!
Kirby: Uh-oh... (the contestants glance at Kirby. They're looking forward to fighting HIM!)
Announcer: Okay, next- a gal who wants to sing, voiceact, and generally entertain for a living. Heeere's Rei Hino, aka Sailor Mars!
(Rei appears in a very small bikini)
Snorb: Wooo! This contest is over! Give her the tiara and the 10,000,000 zene!
Matt: This isn't the Miss Tokyo '01 contest, Chris! (thwacks Snorb)
Sun: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Matt and Snorb: ...
Sun: I just remembered a fanfic I once read. It was a self inserted one! It was hallarious! (seriously) BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I hate fics where it seems the author is forced to insert his friends into his fic just to satisfy everyone's ego with only a little bit of writing of one person.
Crowd: (stares)
Sun: What?
Announcer: First, Rei has forty-five seconds to become Sailor Mars, or she takes the ninth place in the contest. (Rei transforms) Fifth, the middle-most contestant, the disgrace to the proud Saiyan tradition of unarmed combat...
Trunks: (throws sword at Announcer, and barely impales him)
Announcer: I said, "epitome", dammit! Not "disgrace"!
Snorb: Um, no. You said...
Everyone: HE SAID, "EPITOME"!
Announcer: Who cares? Here's Trunks!
Trunks: Whoa! Do I get to beat the crap out of my dad?!
Matt: Let's hope so.
Announcer: Next, (speaks faster) heresjigglypuffletsmoveon...
Jigglypuff: Puff! Jig jiggly! Jigglypuff! [Not so fast, Announcer-type person!]
Announcer: Damn. I really thought that was going to work.
Crowd: (boos Jigglypuff)
Jigglypuff: =(
Announcer: And, since there's a Jigglypuff, then its arch rival, a multi-million dollar movie star, must be here. Iiiiiit's.... Clefairy!
Clefairy: Clefairy! [Kiss my ass, Jiggly-foo!]
Crowd: (standing ovations Clefairy)
Announcer: E... Oomph! (Snorb shoulders him out of the way and commandeers the mic.)
Snorb: Eighth, and best, is a hot blue-haired beauty with sexy stiletto heels! Her nice perky breasts... Hey! (Security guards appear) What the... GERROFF MY PROPERTY.... LEGGO... (gets thrown in his seat)
Announcer: ....
Crowd: ....
Ryo: (points at Snorb) Say that about her to my face, bozo!
Announcer: ....okay... Like that raving looney said, here's everybody's favorite Inner Senshi, Ami Mizuno, or Sailor Mercury!
Ami: Oh, no! I should be studying! I'm only 38 chapters ahead of my AP history class!
Announcer: Ami, take a Valium. Lots of 'em. Relax a bit. Now, since this is a double elimination, there has to be a guy for the losers to beat senseless. Heere's that Hylian hero, Link!
Link: (holds the Master Sword in a manner suggesting he has absolutely no idea how the hell to use it) (comical pit bull growling)
Announcer: Okay. The rules of this are very simple. The bouts keep going until someone is knocked out of the ring, or one of the following has been satisfactorally and visibly achieved: Individual or mutual unconsciousness. Brutal death. Fistic amputation of no fewer than three limbs. Or, the general tearing asunder of one of both parties. The competitors are to fight with all honor. However, since violence=ratings, any and all unnecessary violence is heartily encouraged.
Matt: Basically, we want to see blood.
Sun: A veritable river of it.
Snorb: God, I love the vile stench of battle...
Announcer: If a fight breaks out between a spectator and a combatant, the referees have been ordered to regard it with a blind eye.
Sun, Matt, and Snorb: (sage anime nod)
Announcer: There's the contestants. What a swell bunch of gays... GUYS. Oh, it's time for the first fight! And thank God, because those two are gonna kill me!
[Fight One: Vegeta vs. Cloud Strife: Ultima My Ass!]
Vegeta: (stares at Cloud)
Cloud: What's wrong? Not gonna say anything?
Vegeta: Nope.
Cloud: Good! (uses Knights of the Round summon)
Knights: Charge! (all charge at Vegeta)
Vegeta: (raises an eyebrow) ....... FINAL FLASH!! (fires a ki blast and vaporizes the knights)
Cloud: (jaw drops in shock) How the...
Vegeta: ., or as close to it as you'll get from Toriyama.
Cloud: (unsheathes Ultima Weapon) Take this, weirdo! Your bolts are no match for swordplay! (rushes forward, slashing air. Vegeta dodges, and Cloud doesn't see it. He does drive his sword through something, though.)
Aeris's Head: .... x
Aeris's Body: (THUDs to the floor)
Barrett: Somebody get this &$#%&!&#ing stiff outta here!
Cloud: Aeris... no! Not for a third time! (points that unnecessarily large sword at Vegeta) YOOOOU! DIEEEEEEE! (only suceeds in cutting a few strands of vegeta's hair)
Vegeta: That doesn't grow back you know! Lemme see that. (grabs the Ultima, and breaks it across Cloud's face)
Cloud: (now with a wound similar to Squall's) Oh, God.
Vegeta: INDEED (starts to fire up a ki blast) Wait... Before I finish you off, I deserve an answer to one question!
Cloud: Shoot... O.o ... Not the fireball!! Not the fireball!!
Vegeta: Why are you named after a cloud?
Cloud: ... (stares at him) Why are YOU named after a vegetable?
Vegeta: Hmm... y'know, I never really gave it much thought.
Cloud: You know what? You should ask the judges.
Vegeta: Yes, I shall. Thank you, Strife! (leaves the ring and approaches the judges' stand) Why am I named after a vegetable?
Snorb: Because you're a loser!
Vegeta: Huh?
Matt: Look at the ring. You got ring outed.
(Vegeta turns, and double takes. Cloud waves gaily. And not the happy gay, either.)
Sun: You got outwitted by that half wit?! What would Trunks think?
Trunks: Hehehehe... old fart.
Kirby, Rei, Trunks, Jigglypuff, Clefairy, Ami, and Link: IDIOT! MORON! CHOWDERHEAD!
Announcer: Well, in a stunning upset, Cloud diffused a difficult situation, and has won the first m-
Vegeta: Fuck you, you cheating BASTARD! (rushes toward Cloud, and pummels him)
Cloud: !!! Aggh! Oomph! (starts defending himself)
(2 seconds later.)
Vegeta: Well, Cloud, that's what all cheaters deserve!
Announcer: Vegeta, I think Cloud must be mad you murdered him- he's not speaking to you.
CLoud: (nothing more than a pool of blood.)
Sun: Well, Cloud did win fair and square.
Snorb: But, Vegeta's still alive.
Matt: So, we say he wins by default.
Vegeta: Heh, default. The sexiest word in your English language.
Snorb: Funny. I thought it was "Ami".
Ryo: (in stands) Shut up! She likes MEEE! I'm a genius! You're a tub of fat!
Sun: Well, that was intresting. I'm not realy sure why I said that Vegeta won. It's wierd. It's like some kind of strange force is conrolling my every move. Controlling all of our destinies.
Snorb: Well if anyone IS controlling us they would have to be realy, realy stupid.
Matt: Dam right. They must be assholes to try and... (three bolts of lightning come out of the sky and fry the judges.)
Ryo: Well. Vegeta killed him. My buddy, my pal, my newly discovered coveter of my girlfriend, nothing more than a couple of carbon flakes.
Sun, Matt, and Snorb: (extra crispy) Ouuuuuch.
Announcer: Great! NOW, where are we gonna get three new judges on such short notice?!
Technician: Well, we found three.
Announcer: Who?
Tecchie: First, we got the blue-haired guy from Chrono Cross to fill in for Sun.
Serge: (bows before Rei and Ami)
Rei: Well, he's a polite one.
Serge:
Ami: Not much to talk, though.
Serge: =(
Rei: But he's cute.
Ami: And muscular. He has a nice body.
Serge: (blushes)
Ryo: GReeeaaat! First, she sleeps with that dumbass judge! Now, she's swooning over some mute!
Serge: (throws the Spectra Swallow and the Mastermune at Ryo, killing him instantly)
Rei and Ami: (stare weirdly at Serge)
Serge: (points at Ryo's corpse, and adjusts his bandanna) ...He didn't see THAT coming.
Rei: Did you just talk?!
Serge: (shakes head)
Announcer: ...Why do I get stuck with the weirdos? Next, replacing Matt, what he doesn't know could fill the omniverse! What he DOES know makes up 99.9% of the omniverse!
Harry: First, I was stuck in this town in the middle of nowhere. My daughter disappeared. Then aliens abduct me. They give me a Playstation controller. I try playing Time Crisis. I vaporized my TV. My gun's a lemon, and I want my money back.
Announcer: Heeere's Harry coughidiotcough Mason, from Silent Hill!
Harry: Huh? What the?!
Announcer: And third... a mirror with the symbol of Neptune on it. How odd.
Michiru: Oh, so that's where I left it! (takes her mirror and looks into it)
Announcer: Hey, wanna judge our fight?
Michiru: What's in it for me?
Announcer: Umm... How's 30 gross of that same shade of lipstick sound?
Michiru: (hesitates) 20.
Announcer: Deal. Thou. Refereeth. Now.
Michiru: Okay.
ANnouncer: Now, our second fight is going to be underway... as soon as you scroll down.
[Fight Two: Kirby vs. Sailor Mars: Marshmallow Roast!]
Rei: That's who I have to fight?
Kirby: (eyes widen in horror, then looks down. He's standing in what's left of Cloud's spinal cord.)
Rei: Mars... Burning Mandalaa! (the resulting burst of flame sets Kirby on fire)
Kirby: Owowowowowowww! (runs around while Rei starts stomping him with her high heels)
Rei: Heh, cake.
Kirby: (inhales Rei, then ducks, throwing her out. He now has a little ruby tiara on his forehead.) Bur'ing Mand'laa! (Burning Mandalas Rei)
Rei: Ouch! You little... (counterattacks with Burning Mandala. Both blasts fizzle out)
Kirby: (runs to Rei)
Rei: (pulls out the flaming bow) It's Flame Sniper time! (shoots flaming arrows at Kirby, who swallows them)
Kirby: Oh, no! (bursts into flame again)
Michiru: Should I put him out?
Harry: Put who out? What's going on?
Serge: (shrugs)
Michiru: Yeah, I probably shouldn't.
Kirby: Man, I've gotta lay off this spicy food... it gives me bad gas... (starts running towards Rei)
Rei: Hmm? (raises eyebrow, and starts blinking. A lot.)
Kirby: Five feet to go... (insert Bombing Run from FF7 here.) ...4.......3.......2.......1......six inC(farts)KAAABOOOOOOOOOM
Crowd: ...
(bits of Rei and Kirby rain on the arena. Suddenly, the pieces of marshmallow reform into a slightly toasted Kirby!)
Crowd: ... (brief silence)
Announcer: What? You've never seen a big ball of fat tub of lard regenerate before?
Crowd: (simaltaniously) Well... Uhhhhh...
Serge: (shakes head)
Michiru: I hope Vegeta starts killing people in the stands now.
Harry: What's Dragon Ball Z?
(somewhere on the highway)
Sun: (jumps out of the ambulance van taking the judges away and starts running back to the arena) YOU MORRON!! (passes a sign) "100,000 miles to the Anime Bout arena" AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCK! (picture zooms out and his voice echoes across a shitty fake model of the earth)
(back at the arena)
Michiru: Did you hear something?
Announcer: Well, guess we have our winner.
Kirby: Yayy! (does its little SSB dance.)
Serge: (strikes a menacing pose)
Harry: Right. The standings are... where did I leave them?
Serge: (pulls out a poster)
Harry: Oh.
Michiru: Idiot.
Serge: (waves the camera guy over here)
Announcer: Ah, yes. Standings.
STNADINGZ
WINNERS TOURNEY
Vegeta Vegeta
Cloud / COMMING SOON
Kirby Kirby /
Rei /
Trunks COMMING SOON
Jigglypuff / COMMING SOON
Clefairy COMMING SOON /
Ami /
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LOSERS TOURNEY
Link COMMING SOON
Cloud /
Rei / COMMING SOON
Announcer: Okay. Raise your hand if you didn't get that.
Serge: (raises hand)
Harry: Y'know, maybe when I saw that corpse tied to that fence, I shouldn't have been so thick, and actually ran for my life. (raises hand)
Michiru: I understand it... no, I don't. (raises hand)
(back on the highway)
Sun: YOU PIECES OF POO! (passes sign) "99,999 miles left bitch" (grins)