January 26th, 2010
In my head, you're all I ever wanted. You are beautiful, muscular, and just the right amount of sweet nerdiness and fun outgoingness. Your smile makes my heart melt and the way your blue eyes sparkle makes a tremor run down my spine and goosebumps rise all over me.
In my head, you never stutter. The perfect words to say roll off your tongue as smoothly as raindrops down the window. Everything you say makes me laugh. You look at me so surely, never embarrassed and your eyes promise sincerity in every action. I barely hear the words that come out of my own mouth since my ears are too busy trying to hear your thoughts.
In my head, you are an old-fashioned romantic.
In my head, those love songs you play on your guitar are all silently directed to me. The way you whisper along with the chords makes my heart race. When I catch myself staring at you, I know I haven't made any of this up. I wonder how perfectly my hand must fit the contours of yours. I know our musical hearts are drumming out the same rhythm, already in synch with each other. I try not to let my face betray the way I feel.
In my head, my coy smiles mystify you and my eyes capture your attention. My laughter must compliment your humor and beg you to realize how I understand you.
In my head, you don't care that I'm insane and energetic. Our seven AM conversations over the first round of pancakes are the best way to start your day. When we're the only insomniacs awake, I think of the innocentway that you have no idea I spent four hours dreaming of you.
In my head, I tell you exactly how I feel. But I never see how you react. You never answer because I can never form the words. I lock my hands on my legs or my plate to stop them from reaching out for you. I study the tablecloth or the deck of cards on the table to avoid your fearless eyes. My face will spill all of my secrets. My eyes will beg fro your love, my cheeks will turn a valentine pink and you'll smile because I'm so embarrassed. Your smile will cause my locked lips to open and suddenly I'll be defenseless. My emotions will dance naked in front of you for everyone to see. I don't wan't to imagine how you'll react, but I do... all the times we're quietly near each other, I wonder what will happen if I told you then.
In my head, you might wonder why I even try. You're wonderful, and I'm a bumbling, awkward girl. You don't realize when I ask you if you need a hand and you say... "no"... how much that digs through my naive heart. Of course you don't love me. In my dreams, though, you agree completely and I lose control. Gravity can't hold me down for the way you make me feel. I'm flying, elated. And you're smiling that smile that always brings out the best in me. Of course you feel the same way, because I always knew we would be perfect together.
In my head, you'll teach me confidence. You'll prove to me that I can tell you anything and you'll understand. You won't judge me for being irrational and saying things at the wrong time. That's it. You, perfect you, are waiting for the right time. The absolute perfect moment. You don't realize how when I'm around you, that's all I think about... you finding the perfect moment to grant my every wish. Every eyelash, every candle, every four-leaf clover, lucky penny, 11:11, I wish for you to wake up and remember me. To have that mind-blowing revelation of how much you miss me when I'm not around.
In my head, I never have to wait. I'm Sleeping Beauty, destined for her unspoken wish to be granted. When your name appears on my cell phone screen, my head rushes and my heart skids. I know you're thinking of me, at least in the moment it took you to send that message. You never keep me waiting for a reply and you never make me wonder if I said the wrong thing. In this way, I am perfect with you. I can do no wrong when you are anywhere around me.
In my head, this is why we need each other. I need you and you... need me? Need my laughter, my charisma, my endlessly embarrassing entertainment? You would miss my awkwardness, my blush...
In my head, everything is too simple.
In my head, I imagine us to be perfect, to be lovely and dreamy and totally in love. But maybe, in your head, I'm just another girl. In your head, I have an annoying laugh and bad skin and a gross obsession with you. In your head, maybe I'm like a leech, just enjoying myself at your expense. And every time the doubt of how you think of me crosses my brain, my heart thuds emptily in my hollow chest and the blood drains from my face. Every time I hear the doubt, I drop my eyes to the tablecloth and twiddle my thumbs. I force myself to swallow my feeble proclamation of how I feel and try to continue like nothing happened. Like I'm not dying because of the heat that consumes me when your arm brushes mine or our knees accidentally bump. You live in my head. I cannot see you or touch you,
but in my head, you're mine.