Hi, OK this is my first story, so persist with me and what not. - Brooke
I sit on the porch steps out the front of my home in the Victors Village. No, I think the word "house" would be more appropriate as opposed to a home. A home is where you'll find your family, a place that's warm and inviting. The Victors village has never felt like home to me. Never. Not even when my mother and sister were here to fill the gaps. It's been two months and the wounds of her death are still raw inside of me. I can't bring myself to say her name out loud, but inside my head I scream it over and over again as I watch the flames consume her. Her lips form my name, and then it all replays. Over and over. Never changing, never stopping.
I stare around at the ash-ridden city that was Twelve, it's as good as abandon now days. Those who were evacuated to Thirteen haven't had the courage to come back, or couldn't face it without the loved ones they've lost. Not that I could blame them, everywhere you turn lies devastation after devastation. Collapsed buildings, broken families who will never quite recover, or the slightly charred smell that follows you throughout the district. I can't escape the thought of "who's ashes am I walking through now?" or "I killed you, it's my fault your dead." But it's true and I can't escape that thought no matter how persistently I try. I've been drowning in self pity and I'm the last person who deserves pity, even my own. But lately it's all I can use to describe myself and how horribly I ruined so much for so many.
I look around at the untouched Victors Village, the flower beds, the grass, the houses. Not a hair lies out of line. Such a perfect façade to present us in, neat and orderly, precisely the way we should be. Yet neat and orderly are the furthest things anyone would use to describe any victor. Not that it matters.
I'm fixated on the garden beds in the distance, not truly seeing them, until I'm too quickly pulled back to the reality I so long to hide from.
"Katniss?" I hear my name softly, a cautious tone lingering in the air. I shake my head clear, face it in the direction of the voice and blink several times because surely my eyes are fooling me.
"Peeta" I manage to choke out completely bewildered.
"I can come back?" he questions, as innocent as ever.
"What are you doing here, Peeta?" I manage to get out. I'm torn between jumping into his arms and taking for the woods.
"My therapy is over. They finally let me leave the Capitol a couple of days ago." He tells me.
"When did you get back!" my breathing becomes faster and I can feel the cracks re-appearing. It's evident that Peeta doesn't fully trust himself around me.
"I got back yesterday. Katniss, maybe I should go? I'll come back later." he says hesitantly, turning to leave. I grab his hand before he leaves but the muscles in his hand tighten, as if it were an automatic reaction. Maybe it is now. But I don't think twice before letting it go and bringing my hand back to my own, like a wounded animal. He looks between his hand and mine, avoiding my eyes.
"I'm sorry. I... Didn't..." he trails off.
"Peeta, it's ok. Stay, please?" I ask him and I can feel tears welling up. I'm not 100% sure about this, but it's been so long, if he leaves now that I know he's back, and only a few metres away, I might break.
I can see Peeta debating with himself in his head, looking from me to the ground. Finally, somewhat reluctantly, he takes a seat next to me on the porch steps. He leaves an immense gap between the two of us, but to be honest all I want right now is the safety and warmth of his arms. I shake this thought from my head because I know this isn't possible. Not yet. I bring my knees up to my chest as a silence fills the air between us until I notice Peetas eyes on me, intent with concentration. He's studying every aspect of me, my face, my arms, my hair. I return his stare and find that he seems remotely unchanged since I saw him last, a little stronger perhaps.
"Are you staying here? In Twelve?" I ask, not really even sure if I want to hear his answer.
"Yeah" he says quietly. I let out a sigh of relief, unsure of how I would cope if he wasn't. He's here and he's staying and right now that's all that matters.
I look to him, only to find his eyes fixated and glass like, his hands clench into fists. He doesn't do anything; he only sits there breathing heavily. He's fighting them off again. He lets out a shaky breath and puts his head in his hands.
"Peeta" I say softly putting my hand gently on his shoulder. He doesn't try to shake if off he merely looks to me, disappointed in himself somehow.
"They're supposed to get easier to handle." he sighs raising an eyebrow, shrugging this fact off as if they'll never stop. The look on his face says that he thinks this is utter garbage. How does something like that get easier? It only leaves more and more scars, but not the kind that fade away with time. The kind that cut deeper than the eye can see and go so much further beyond physically scaring you. He and I should know this better than anyone. We sit for a few moments in silence. Not looking at each other but then again, not looking at anything else in particular.
"Where do we go from here, Katniss?" he asks looking me square in the eyes this time. His blue eyes filled with what seems like a lifetime of hurt. Too much for someone like him, what did he ever do to deserve things to turn out like this?
"I'm not sure I could cope without you again, Peeta. Not now." I whisper.
Peeta takes my hand in his and squeezes it tightly and in that moment I don't want him to leave, more so than before. He's been gone for so long and I've been so lonely without him. Sure, I've got Haymitch, but he's about as much company as dirt and has the conduct to match.
Peeta slowly stands up and pulls me up with him. He senses my uneasiness and tries to comfort me,
"hey, I'll come back tomorrow, ok?" he says quietly.
I smile in attempt to keep the tears at bay, but I'm hopeless and I quite frankly don't care. A few stray tears roll town my cheek and Peeta wipes then gently away, smiles his sweet smile and turns to go to his home. I turn and slowly walk back into my own house, leaving the cool spring day behind me. What if things are never the same again? What if these hallucinations get the better of him? They couldn't possibly, he's back now and I can help him get through this. We can help each other.
Midday turns to evening and I settle in on the couch, not bothering to eat. I simply sit there, my whole body is numb and already I know tonight will be a restless one. I turn the lights out and brace myself for what I know is coming. The dark holds some of my biggest fears and the unknown's of this bring back the nightmares. So vivid and so alive without Peetas arms around me. However I welcome the sleep entering my body with open arms because I'm so tired. Of everything, and my only incentive to sleep is the prospect of tomorrow.
And then it happens, the flames eat her alive and I stand there helpless, screaming for her to run. To do something... anything. Slowly from the ashes of the destruction rises Snow with his snake like eyes as alive as ever. He comes closer to me wilding a white rose out in front of him, as it's the only weapon in his arsenal that will break me. I'm reaching for my bow only to find it's not there and now I'm screaming louder than before, hoping someone comes to my rescue. But no one does. Helplessly, I'm pulled awake by a voice.
"Katniss, it's ok, you're dreaming" he tells me softly.
My eyes snap open leaving my sister to float back to the horrible corners of my brain I can't bring myself the face. I find Peeta looking down at me, clutching my hand in his. I'm covered in sweat and my breathing is rapid, but he remains there, stroking my hair.
"It's ok, they can't hurt you now." He says soothingly and before I can even think about it, I sit up and wrap my arms around him tightly with absolutely no intentions of letting go. He puts his arms around me, too, without as much thought as before. I look to him with tears swimming down my face.
"How did you know?" I ask him quietly.
"I could hear you... You were screaming" he said slowly with the same tone of caution as before.
"You heard me from your house?" I question genuinely surprised. I know I scream, but I never considered to what degree before.
"Not quite. I was outside of my house. I don't sleep very well anymore, so I avoid it when I can. It brings everything back and I can barely get rid of it as it is." he says indifferently.
"Are you ok?" he asks after a minute or so, changing the subject.
"Yeah, I am now." I choke out between the tears and overwhelming sense of confusion that, for some reason, fills my body. He looks at me empathetically and smiles softly.
"I should probably go, please tell me if you need anything." he says beginning to stand up.
"I do. I do need something" I tell him quickly
"What is it Katniss?" he asks quietly
"You, Peeta, I need you. It's been so long and I don't think I can do this by myself anymore. Please. Will you stay with me?" I manage to get out before the tears take over.
I can see him doing it again. Arguing with himself in his head. About whether or not to trust me, then finally he takes a deep breath and comes and sits down next to me. This time he leaves only a small gap between us. I sigh in relief, because I know there's still a chance for us through all of this. I rest my head on his shoulder and he puts his arm around me, continuing to stroke my hair.
We don't try to sleep, because we both know what the night will hold, instead we talk about everything the other missed during the last few months. In the early hours of the morning when I begin to feel myself slipping under, surrendering to the sleep that longs to fill me, Peeta whispers,
"I loved you? Real or not real?"
"Real" I tell him without hesitation allowing a small smile to creep onto my face, hidden from his view in the dark.
"I thought so, goodnight Katniss" he says quietly
"Goodnight Peeta."