I do not own anything in regards to ARROW or DCComics...even though I really wish that I that I did...
This one shot fanfic is for my friend and fellow ARROW lover RUN who was sadly disappointed in the lack of fanfics out there that involved Oliver Queen finally chasing after his girl Wednesday!
And thanks to my girl Hip who suffered through the raw version of this to help me make it better! ;)
In all of Oliver Queen's life, he never once had to chase after a woman. Before the Island, whether he was in a relationship or not, women flocked to him to use and discard at his discretion. It was now, after the island, that he fully realized that his life before had been one of vices and that he had been a truly despicable person. He was ashamed of his behavior then, and now even though women know how he had treated women in the past; they still flocked to him. The difference now, was that he ignored their flirting, their thinly hid hints hoping he would take them home and bed them. He wanted nothing from the shallow women who weren't really better than his old self and served nothing but as a reminder of the shitty person he used to be. Still, Oliver knew even now he didn't have to chase after women if he wanted them.
So why was he currently so focused on the one woman who seemed to spend more time walking away from him lately, than standing next to him? There were probably at least a dozen times Felicity Smoak had walked away from him after a heated argument. The ones that he remembered most though, had nothing to do with the argument.
He remembered when he had made the decision to pull her from the IT department and station her outside his office to be his assistant. It was the first time he noticed how the swing of her hips enticed as she stormed away from him. He loved to watch her walk away after that. He remembered the ache that formed in his chest as she walked away from his hotel room in Russia after she caught him with Isabel and again later at QC after she had told him he deserved better. He wasn't completely surprised that his actions regrettably hurt her. He was surprised by how much her hurt, made him hurt for her. He was surprised that even though she was hurt by his actions, her first thoughts were for him and her belief that he deserved better.
It was when she finally walked away from him after he told her to get her head out of Central City that it occurred to him that he had started to see her as something other than his partner, he didn't know when it had happened but it was as she handed him his ass and stormed off that he realized how much he had come to need her in his life. Not just as his E.A. or as the Arrow's tech genius but how much he just needed her presence. He couldn't deny that it scared him, the idea of wanting something more with her even if he wasn't sure what more with her meant yet. He also couldn't deny that apart of him may have started to push her away just then, and that it may have been one of the reasons why he entered into a relationship with Sara. He wasn't ready to face what Felicity had started to mean to him and he needed distance.
After everything had happened with Slade, Oliver was left with no choice but to face his feelings for Felicity. Somewhere along the way, he couldn't deny that she became the real hero. She had gone into the field, putting herself at risk to catch a serial killer, felt the wrath of the Count, taken a bullet meant for Sara before she took down the Count, she let herself be served up to Slade as bait after Oliver declared himself in love with her, and she had done it all despite having no training and a lot of fear. After all, wasn't that the real essence of being brave? Acting despite your fears? It was different for Oliver, he wasn't afraid for himself. No, he had lost that years ago. It had died, along with most of his humanity, on the island. Most of his fears revolved around losing Felicity. She would never truly understand how hard it had been to place her in the hands of Slade; but he did it because she believed in him, because he knew she was the real hero, and that she wouldn't fail to make the right choice.
Over the summer, he often thought about how things had changed. He knew the moment he had told her he loved her, even if it was a trap, that he had meant it. In that moment everything he had been trying to deny hit him forcefully and he knew if they survived there would be no denying his feelings anymore. Once the floodgate had opened he found he watched her more, touched her more, and everything with her meant more even if she didn't know it meant more to him. He caught Diggle giving him knowing looks when his eyes would follow her in a room. Roy would smirk at him when he would come back from a mission and gravitate directly to her side. He found himself smiling again, happy again, and he knew it was all because of her.
The next time she walked away from him after that was devastating. He had asked her out and their date, while awkward at first, It got better. Until it went horribly wrong as an RPG had targeted him, hit the restaurant and ended their date with Felicity unconscious. At the hospital, after he had told her he didn't know if he could be with her, he couldn't help himself. To hear her beg him to say he didn't love her so she could move on, to kiss her and tell her he couldn't say it had been incredibly selfish. She had wanted him to let her move on and he couldn't do it.
He had grabbed her and kissed her before he even realised what he was doing but he had needed her to know. Needed her to see that no matter what happened; his feelings for her were real and he wanted, boy did he want her. Then she was gone, telling him it was over. She couldn't live on maybes. He had felt her slipping through his fingers both literally and figuratively. It was the first time he had ever doubted whether or not she would always be in his life. For the first time he wondered if she would choose to leave him.
He hadn't been given much time to dwell on it because less than 12 hours later they walked into the foundry and found Sara's body on their medical table. She was dead with three arrows to the stomach. He couldn't look away from her body, and he couldn't grieve her either. He had needed to focus. He needed to stay focused to stop Laurel from doing something stupid. Stay focused so everyone else could grieve. He saw Felicity crying over Sara. He saw Roy comfort her. He wanted to be the one to comfort her, but he didn't think he had a right after she walked away from him at the hospital. Also he wasn't sure he wouldn't cave under the realization that it could have just as easily been him on that table, if he touched her. He wasn't sure he wouldn't grieve with her if he comforted her.
He never remembered anything hurting worse than her doubt in him when she accused him of having no feelings. That was what happened when you opened the floodgates to your emotions, you give power to those you love to hurt you the most. She had never doubted him. Always, always she believed in the best of him. She had always motivated him to reach his goals and be a better man. He knew she didn't mean the words the way they came out and that she was only speaking with her own grief. It didn't make her words hurt any less, and before he knew what he was saying he was trying to make her understand. He wanted her to know that that he was scared that one day it could be him. He wanted her to know that he was trying to stay strong so she could grieve. He just wanted her to know he wasn't really okay and he was scared too.
If he had been devastated at her walking away in the hospital, this was hundred times worse. He couldn't deny there was a real possibility that he could lose her. Lose all of her in every aspect that he needs her. Her words repeated over and over in his head. Asking him if his plan was to just stay down in the foundry and wait to die. Then telling him she wasn't going to stay down here and wait from him to die. She wanted more than that, and she had walked away and left him to decide what he wanted. Deciding what he wanted wasn't the problem. He knew what he wanted. He didn't want to die down here on the table with her left to mourn him. He wanted to run after her and tell her that he wanted to follow her out of the cave and into the light. His real problem was that he didn't think he could. He didn't think he had a right to after he made the decision to wear the hood.
After that time things grew awkward in the foundry. He knew she was working for Ray Palmer and a part of him was angry that she chose to work for the man that had taken his company from him. He knew that he didn't have a right to be angry though. Felicity was flourishing in her new role and was finally doing a job that was worthy of her intellect and skill. He couldn't deny her that. He also couldn't deny that the longer she worked there, the more frequently she dropped Ray's name in conversations. He knew that she wasn't doing it to be cruel, but he could tell with the tone in which she used that there was a growing affection between the two of them. He wasn't surprised to find out from Dig that Felicity told Lyla Ray had been trying to persuade Felicity to go on a date with him and that so far she has refused his personal overtures in favor of keeping their relationship strictly professional. He couldn't deny that he was jealous Felicity liked Ray's attention even if she hadn't given in to it yet.
He found an emptiness taking hold in his heart at the distance that was growing in between them. She still came to the foundry, and she still was there when he needed her but he felt her shift away from him. She wasn't completely successful at it though. No more than he was completely successful in letting her go like he should. When she thought he wasn't looking, he would see her gazing at him as if she were still waiting for him to do something. Once when she thought she had been alone, Oliver had spent an hour cowering in a dark corner listening to her cry. She didn't know that nights when she stayed late at work, he would watch her from the adjacent building. Torturing himself as he watched her laugh and talk in rapid conversation with Ray. She had caught him once, and he watched the smile fall right off her face as whatever sentence she was about to say died on her lips. Ray had grown concerned, he could see it. Felicity had brushed him off and left shortly after. She didn't come to the foundry that night. When she did return she didn't speak to him anymore than was necessary.
It was late one night when finally he understood what she was waiting for, and it came again as she was walking away. It was three months after their kiss and he had just come back from a mission. He had gone solo because Roy was trying to get back into Thea's good graces and Diggles daughter was sick. She had been waiting for him to come back. He recognised that tone she used when she had something on her mind but she had yet to say what it was, so he went about putting his weapons away and bided his time. He had just taken his green leather hood off when she came out with it.
Her voice reminded him of when she told him about Thea, "Ray has asked me to take a trip with him to a conference". His heart sliced in half at her words. Something about the way she had said it implied that the trip was just as much personal as it was professional. He didn't know how to take it. Felicity herself had never told him that she and Ray had started dating. He had only known from Dig that Ray had been asking. He was frozen in mid action as he digested her words. He didn't say anything as she stood from her chair and approached him. He turned away from her and hung up the jacket. He felt the feathery light touch of her hand on his shoulder like it was lightening. It was the first time they had touched since the kiss. He whipped around in shock. He had scared her he realised as he took in her widened eyes. He hadn't meant to do that it was just that her touch had caught him by surprise. Her look was guarded but expectant. All he could do was nod in acknowledgment that he had heard and turn away from her to sit and take off his boots.
It had been the wrong response, "That's it? Just a nod? Nothing else?" she accused as she crossed her arms and glared at him.
He blew out a breath and looked up at her trying to keep his tone neutral, "What else do you want me to say? You will need to be away from the foundry. I get it". Anger was building in him for some reason he couldn't quite pin point and he was afraid if the conversation continued he would say something cruel just to get her leave so he could breakdown at the realization that she had finally given up on him in private.
She arms went flailing about like they did when she was angry with him, only with him "Really you've got nothing else? I'm telling you that my boss has invited me away for a weekend conference and it may not be all business and you have no comment?"
He stood up and found that she was a lot closer than he originally thought as he towered over her. "I don't know what you expect me to stay. I don't have to like it, Felicity but I'm not going to tell you not to go. Is that what you want? You want me to tell you not to be with him? I won't do that. I don't have a right to. I still can't give you what you want".
And that was it, wasn't it? He watched her walk away from him without another word with tears streaming down her face and he finally understood. She was waiting for him to chase after her. She was still waiting for him to decide that he could join her; so she hadn't let go of him yet. And like all the other times she had walked away from him, he didn't chase after her. Even though she wanted him too, and even though he wanted to chase her. The only woman he ever wanted to chase after.
Felicity left for the conference a week later; she had not returned to the foundry. Dig tried to talk to him about it but he refused to. Four days after that Felicity returned to Starling City and to the foundry. She said nothing about the trip or indeed anything unless it was directly related to Arrow business. Two days later Dig came into the foundry with a bottle of scotch and told Oliver to sit his ass down. Normally Oliver wouldn't have last time Dig tried to talk to him, Oliver told him that it was between himself and Felicity to work through. Dig had left it at that, that time. This time it was clear it wasn't going to be the same.
Oliver took a seat as he prepared to get yelled at by Dig for hurting Felicity. He watched Dig pour two long pours of scotch into two glasses and screw the bottle shut again. He knew there was no point in telling Dig that he was hurting just as bad as Felicity was so he just waited for Dig to start talking. He didn't, not at first. He took a sip of his drink and motioned for Oliver to do the same. He took a tentative sip and felt the comforting burn crawl down his throat. He chased it with a bigger swallow and took a deep breath. For the first time in a long time he wished he could just get lost in the burn of good liquor and the haze that alcohol provided, but he knew it wasn't the right answer. They sat in companionable silence as they drank; Oliver waiting for Dig to say whatever he came to say.
The first glass was finished and Dig poured another round. It was then that Dig started talking, "What the hell are you doing, man?"
Oliver downed his glass in one swallow and didn't answer as he let the warmth of the drink overtake him for a moment. Dig filled his glass; Oliver didn't stop him. He should have but he didn't. "Oliver, nothing happened on the trip". Out of everything that he expected Dig to say that wasn't it. He didn't need to say anything though, Dig continued. "Felicity told Lyla she agreed to the conference but made it clear to Ray she wasn't interested. Nothing happened. So, I am going to ask again. What are you doing?"
Oliver sighed but responded, "The only thing I know how to do Dig".
"Yeah, and how is that working out for you, man? The only time she is happy is when she is at work with Ray, and you're miserable all the time".
He took another drink, "She's better off without me".
Dig shook his head, "When are you going to see that you're both better off with each other? When are you going to see that she will never give up waiting for you to decide you want a life with her? She may give into Ray and date him but she will never give up on you man. She never has"
They finished drinking the entire bottle in companionable silence as Dig let Oliver think about his words. They passed out sometime in the early morning and Oliver woke up later that morning with his first hangover in years. He shook his head, pulled himself together and woke Dig for a workout. That night Felicity showed up but like the previous nights she spoke only when necessary and left as early as possible. It continued on like this for a few more weeks and Oliver would just watch her while he tried to figure out the right answer .
A month after the conference Felicity finally accepted a date from Ray. Like before, she didn't tell Oliver. He knew though, even without Dig telling him. So he just nodded at her when she told him she wasn't coming into the foundry one night, he didn't ask why and she didn't tell him.
Instead he put on his leathers and followed her from her house to the restaurant that Ray had bought out for their private dinner. He could tell that the gesture irritated her but it didn't seem that she told Ray. He couldn't hear them but he saw her laugh and talk animatedly. She looked happy and Oliver felt like he was intruding on something he had no right to. Dig was wrong; he knew it now. Felicity was done waiting for him. She gave him four months to chase after her and come into the light and he didn't. She had a right to move on, he had no right to deny her that. He just hadn't expected it to hurt this much when he saw it. With the floodgates open he could feel all the anger, the jealousy, and loathing that hit him. Anger that everything he wanted for himself seemed to be in reach but he couldn't seem to reach out and grab it. Jealousy looking down at the man that could have been him who now had his company and the woman he loved. Loathing directed at everything that he had done to take away any chance he could have had at the life he wanted. His life, as Oliver Queen with Felicity by his side.
He was a stupid fool. He paced the roof of the building across from the restaurant as the anger built, vibrated inside him, and begged for an outlet. He looked back down at the restaurant and saw Ray reach across the table to grab her hand. He saw Felicity blush from where he was and that was it. He couldn't watch anymore. He knocked a rope arrow and let it go. His aim was slightly off and loud noise echoed into the night as it made its perch and he swung off the building. He didn't look back as he made his way to the foundry, but if he had he would have seen both Felicity and Ray run out of the restaurant.
Oliver kicked Roy out of the foundry when he returned and proceeded to decimate the workout area. He needed to fight, needed to inflict damage, needed the raw physical pain that comes from pushing it too far and leads to complete and utter exhaustion. He didn't get the chance to get to exhaustion. He was beating the dummy with enough force to make his hands ache when the door disarmed and the click of her heels rapidly descend the stairs was heard. He didn't stop until her loud voice echoed off the walls of the foundry. He stopped what he was doing but kept his back to her; opting to lean against the practice dummy.
"How dare you! Who the hell do you think you are?" Shock coursed through Oliver as he felt her forcefully push him into the dummy. He whipped around to face her. This was his Felicity. The Felicity they could barely get to agree to basic self-defense. His Felicity who blushed and stammered as she accidentally said inappropriate things. The Felicity who was always calm in the face of terror. She had pushed him. Tears streamed down her face, tears he caused.
"I saw you. Ray saw you. What were you doing? Spying on me?"
The venom in her voice coupled with his own emotions left him raw and unsure as his voice came out, "No...that's not...its not….".
"Then what was it? Some sort of if you can't have me then no one else can either? What? Are you trying to make sure I can't move on? Is that it? You won't be with me but you won't let me go either!"
Felicity shoved him into the dummy again, "Felicity, I-", he started and then out of nowhere she slapped across the face with a force he would not have expected from her.
Her voice grew cold and quiet as she spoke through the tears, "You know what, I don't care. I'm done. I cannot do this with you anymore. Starting right now the only relationship we have is a working one. I will come to the foundry for missions. Aside from that time here, you will leave me alone and let me move on with my life. Do you understand? You owe me that" Her voice was shaking with raw hurt. A sharp pain burned across his chest as she turned on her heels without waiting for his reply, marched up the stairs, and left.
Every step he watched her take away from him crumbled a bit of the bedrock of his world. Each click of her heel on the cement hammered/chipped away a piece of the path that led him to the light. The slam of the door took it all away. Gone. She was gone. She left him. Gave up on him.
The cold seeped through his body, his soul. It had taken years to kill his soul the first time. Months of Felicity in his life to bring it back and ten seconds to destroy it all over again. He survived the first time. He didn't think he could survive it a second time. The greater the distance between them the colder he grew. He needed the light. He needed her warmth if was going to make it out of this life alive. And he wanted to didn't he? He wanted to live this life. He wanted to live it with her.
He didn't remember moving. He just knew he needed to reach for the light; her warmth. He was suddenly reminded of Sara's words all those months ago about harnessing the light inside him. It was Felicity. Felicity harnessed the light inside him and brought it out. It was burn out and die without her he thought as he climbed the stairs. Had Sara known? Had she been talking about Felicity? It doesn't matter. All he knew was that it might be selfish, but he couldn't be Oliver or the Arrow, without Felicity. The door slammed against the wall, whipped open as he charged after her. He hoped he caught her at her car before she pulled away. He needed to stop her before she got too far. Got farther away.
He saw her down the street a short distance ahead of him, storming toward her mini cooper. He yelled, "Felicity!" as he chased her down. One stride for every two of hers. He picked up speed when she kept going and didn't turn around. He knew she had heard him the first time but he called again "Felicity, please".
She didn't stop. He reached her car the same time she did. She tried to ignore him as she went to take her keys out of her purse; hands shaking so badly she dropped them. He reached out for her as he whispered, "Feli-"
She cut him off and backed away, "Don't. Just don't".
"I'm sorry", he rushed out "Please. It's not what you think. Please, just listen" He was begging her he realised. Another thing he had never had to do for a woman. He didn't care though, he would get on his knees for her if he needed. She wouldn't look at him, but she hadn't left either. He rushed forward with his words, "I just...you didn't tell me and I had to see for myself" He said quietly.
She threw her arms out in frustration, "See what Oliver?"
His words came out almost so quietly that he wasn't sure she heard them at first, "That you had given up on me".
Felicity denied harshly, "I didn't give up on you Oliver." as she met his eyes with an infuriated stare. "I just wasn't going to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to figure yourself out. I told you, I wanted more than to spend my life waiting for you to die. But it was clear to me that while you're not ready to be with me, you can't handle me moving forward. So, I have to draw a line somewhere; because I can't take it anymore. My heart can't take it anymore". Her final tone was colored in defeat..
He shook his head, "Don't draw a line. I need you. Please? I might not ever be able to figure out if I can be Oliver Queen and the Arrow or one of them; but I know I can't be either without you with me. I'm sorry".
Felicity started crying again, only he wasn't sure what these tears were for. Her voice was sad but her words gave him hope, "Oh, Oliver. When are you ever going to learn that it doesn't matter if you're wearing your arrow suit or your designer business suit. You are still the same good man on the inside. The same man trying to do the right thing for your family, and for Starling. You're just lucky enough to have two personas to work with so one can do what the other can't. You never needed to choose".
He stepped close to her this time, his hands gave a whisper of a touch against hers. She looked heart broken and tired but she met his eyes, "I don't want to die down there Felicity. Please, come back with me so we can talk. Please don't give up on me now".
"And then what? When the next scare comes are you going to pull away again? I can't do that Oliver. I can't keep living like this"
He grabbed her hand as she tried to step away and held it tightly, "I won't pull away again. I swear".
Doubt and hope warred in her eyes as she stopped fighting his grip, "How can you expect me to believe that?"
Her pulled her close and brought his hands to cup her face as he had done in the hospital, "Because the alternative is living without you and I'm too selfish to do that". He didn't give her a chance to reply, he brought her lips to his and kissed her sweetly to convey a promise. It took a moment, she didn't respond to him at first and then she opened for him and accepted his promise. The kiss was just a tender meeting of the lips that sparked hope and conveyed need. When she pulled away, much like their last kiss they took a moment to collect themselves before Felicity spoke. Only this time he sighed contentedly as it was accompanied by a laugh.
Something slid sideways in his chest as the ice lifted from him as she said, "Oliver we need to get you back to the foundry".
He didn't understand, "Why?" not that he would have complained as long as she came with him. She pulled away and gave exaggerated up and down look at him.
"Look at yourself" she declared. He did and was surprised. He had followed Felicity to the restaurant as the Arrow, but when she had stormed into the foundry he had already taken his jacket off. So here he was, after chasing after her in the streets, dressed half as Oliver Queen and half as the Arrow. "We need to get you back before someone sees you".
He nodded, but as he wrapped his arm around her, her said "Its fitting don't you think?"
"What is?" she asked as she started to lead him back to the foundry.
"When I finally decided to chase after you; it was as Oliver Queen and the Arrow".
Felicity smiled, her first genuine smile toward him in months and his world slid right into place, a better place than before.