Captain Hitsugaya opened his eyes slowly. The sun was shining through into the room, and Hitsugaya breathed a sigh of contentment. This would be a good day, he thought. He started to get up from bed but paused, frowning. Was it just him, or did he seem a little… top-heavy? That's weird. He stood up and tottered, staring in shock down at the ground in front of him. He was foot taller. That couldn't be right – no one can grow a foot in one night, no matter how much they eat the night before.
"Captain!" someone shrieked. Before he knew what was happening, the door was thrown open. He looked up in shock at the person who stood there. It was him, himself, all 4'4" of cool – but if he was there, who was it standing here looking at himself. Captain Hitsugaya looked down at himself and met the lacy, generous front of a woman. This had to be a nightmare, that one when the captain dreamed he was a woman. This couldn't be happening.
"Captain!" the Captain Hitsugaya from the doorway exclaimed. "What's going on? What are you doing in my body? Why am I a midget?"
Captain Hitsugaya had a terrible feeling long before he ever asked the question.
"Matsumoto?"
He dreaded the answer, even more so when the other him at the doorway answered immediately, with no hesitation.
"Yes, captain?"
Oh, hell.
Captain Hitsugaya threw Matsumoto's shihakusho over his nightgown simply because he would never, ever change into a new set of clothes in someone else's body. He tried to shove all of his questions down deeply into his mind, and the first possible answer he came up with was the Department of Research and Development. Damn Kurotsuchi.
"Captain?"
He couldn't look at Matsumoto, not when he looked and saw himself. When he wished to be taller, this wasn't what he meant.
"Yes, Matsumoto?" he asked without looking at him—her. He was getting mixed up about gender now. Oh, goodness – he was a girl, the ultimate divine retribution. Messing with people's genders and switching minds or bodies or however it worked.
"I have no melons," he heard his voice saying sadly. He looked at Matsumoto, in his body, who was looking down at his chest and saying that he has no melons. Of course he had no melons – it was a gender thing.
"I do," the captain said, gesturing to his new front. He angrily tugged the front of the shihakusho higher than Matsumoto usually wore it. He wasn't going to be flashing anything in somebody else's body. "Your point? This is just as traumatizing to me as it is to you, so don't think you're the only one who has problems. We have to get to the Department of Research and Development and question Kurotsuchi. The question is how we can get there undetected…"
"Why undetected?" Matsumoto whined. He hated Matsumoto's petulant look on his face. "Why can't I be the captain for once?"
"Captains do more paperwork," the captain responded. Matsumoto gulped.
"Right. Undetected. Any plans?" she asked immediately.
"No," the captain said wryly. "We'll just have to hitch up our skirts and run."
Matsumoto began chuckling, and the captain turned bright pink.
"I mean shihakusho," he spat. "Same difference. Just… let's go, before somebody sees me. I can't walk like this, my hips are all wrong. I'm just walking and then I've got the girl swagger and I don't like it!"
"That's my swagger," Matsumoto said, putting her hands on her hips. "And actually, your body feels all stiff and… light. Hold on; I'm not ready to go outside yet. I've got stuff to take care of."
"Hurry it up, will you?" Captain Hitsugaya pleaded. "I can't live like this for the rest of my life."
"Right. I'll be right back." Matsumoto blew a kiss (the captain shuddered) and danced out the door. The captain watched his body leaving. Was that really what he looked like from the back…?
"Matsumoto!" the captain exclaimed, horrified. "What is that on my face?"
"What?" Matsumoto raised a hand to her face. "Oh, you mean that. Just a little lip gloss and eye shadow, for looks. It's interesting, you know; I had to wear a different color than I usually do, because your skin is paler and the hair and eyes are different colors, so I had to go with a cool palette…"
"Take it off!" the captain shrieked. "My face looks… girly!"
"Look at my hair!" Matsumoto replied, nodding to the captain. "You didn't brush it this morning, did you? And I was supposed to take a shower today! It's all oily."
"I'm not taking a bath in your body," the captain said, aghast. "That would be a breach of protocol!"
"Breach of protocol or cowardly excuse?"
"How dare you speak to your captain in that manner?"
"Ah-ha!" Matsumoto exclaimed, raising a finger. "But you see, I am the captain now! I could have you removed from the 13 Court Guard Squads!"
"You'd only be hurting yourself," the captain replied, trying to cross his arms and failing due to large melons.
"True," Matsumoto admitted slowly. "Okay, let's go. Hurry it up, Matsumoto."
The captain spluttered.
"Matsumoto!" he choked. "Don't you dare go outside looking like–"
"Oh, hello, Captain Kuchiki!" Matsumoto purred. Captain Hitsugaya Flash Stepped to the door, desperately trying to stop Matsumoto, but he was too late. The ever-stoic Squad 6 captain was right there, staring at Captain Hitsugaya, or who he thought was the captain. The real Captain Hitsugaya, in Matsumoto's body, displayed a neat face-palm.
"I don't want to know," Captain Kuchiki replied.
"Byakuya, it's me," the real Captain Hitsugaya said, stepping forward. "Due to some accident, Matsumoto and I seem to have switched minds."
"I might actually believe you if this were not the first of April," Captain Kuchiki replied calmly. Captain Hitsugaya's eyes widened. Was that the date? "Lieutenant Matsumoto, please refer to me as Captain Kuchiki in the future."
And then Captain Hitsugaya's only hope was gone, and he slouched. He immediately straightened back up and grasped his body by the collar (it felt so weird) to turn Matsumoto to face him.
"Department of Research and Development," he hissed. "Now."
He let Matsumoto drop, and she wheezed. Captain Hitsugaya pulled the pink scarf from around his neck and yanked her toward him, then set to work rubbing the ghastly colors off of his body's face. Matsumoto tried to protest, but her protests were lost in a mouthful of cloth. He didn't even notice the small crowd that was gathering until he let go of Matsumoto and slung the ruined scarf over his shoulder.
"Shiro-chan?" asked a small voice. Captain Hitsugaya hung his head. Not now, Hinamori, please not now…!
"Hinamori!" the captain exclaimed, turning around.
"Rangiku-san," Hinamori replied. The captain paused. Oh, right.
"I need a drink," Matsumoto muttered, clutching her head. Hinamori looked startled.
"But…" she began. The captain grabbed Hinamori without a second thought.
"Matsumoto, office, now," the captain hissed, and Flash Stepped backward. Matsumoto gave a little wave to the crowd and blew a kiss, then Flash Stepped after the captain. The captain was just letting go of Hinamori.
"Hinamori," he said desperately. "I don't know what happened, but I am Toshiro Hitsugaya. Somehow, Matsumoto and I switched minds. Do you understand me?"
"S-Shiro-chan?" Hinamori squinted. "You mean you… you and Lieutenant Matsumoto switched bodies? How did that happen?"
"I don't know," Captain Hitsugaya admitted. "I need your help."
"You look like Rangiku-san," Hinamori said doubtfully.
The captain sighed.
"Hinamori, do you remember that time you and I were standing in front of the porch and… Matsumoto, cover your ears." The captain grabbed Matsumoto and shoved his hands over her ears, ignoring her protests. "And," the captain continued in a hushed tone of voice, "we were having a watermelon-seed spitting contest and that happened? You know, it? The one thing I never told anybody and we swore never ever to mention again? When my… pants fell down?"
"Oh, that," Hinamori said, brightening up. She frowned again. "I see. So… you really are Toshiro?"
"Yes," the captain said, relieved, as he let go of Matsumoto. He wasn't sure how it happened, but suddenly Hinamori went from an upright position and a look of blissful ignorance to rolling on the floor clutching her sides as her guffaws filled the office room. The captain drooped.
"How is this funny?" he demanded.
"You… you…" Hinamori tried, pointing, but she couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell him what she found so hilarious. "You're a girl," Hinamori finally gasped out.
"How very perceptive of you," the captain said flatly. Hinamori was trying to get her breath back, and Captain Hitsugaya gave her a hand. Hinamori was pulled to her feet as she closed her eyes momentarily to regain her wits. She opened her eyes again.
"So what do we do?" she asked seriously.
"Well," the captain began. Hinamori snorted into her hand with an air of politeness about her. The captain wasn't sure how anyone could make an obvious attempt at hiding laughter by snorting into your hand politely, but Hinamori somehow did it, and gracefully, too. You know what they say – if you're going to fail, fail with style.
"You sound like a girl," Hinamori said, wiping a tear from her eye. "It's so… wrong!"
"It's a lot worse on this end, believe me," the captain said impatiently. "Please, Hinamori, you have to help us. Can you or can you not find Lieutenant Nemu and get her to help us? Before you ask, firstly it's because you're both member of the Shinigami Women's Association, second, I know Matsumoto is too but she's a little indisposed at the moment, and third, Kurotsuchi would never let me hear the end of it."
"Um…" Hinamori scratched her head thoughtfully. "I suppose… er… I might be able to contact Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, but I don't know if she'd be available. She's usually helping Captain Kurotsuchi in his lab-oh-rat-ory."
"Laboratory," the captain corrected.
"No, when someone is insane, their laboratory is referred to as a 'lab-oh-rat-ory,'" Hinamori said, shaking her head. The captain waved it away dismissively.
"Can you help us? Please, Hinamori?" he asked desperately.
"Of course," Hinamori said, smiling slightly. "You know I owe you a lot of favors. This is my chance to pay one off."
The captain felt the exact opposite, but he didn't mention it. He really, really needed to get back to his own body. Home sweet home never meant so much to him.
"I'll ask Nemu and be back by this afternoon," Hinamori assured him. "Do you think you can hang on until then?"
"Maybe," the captain admitted reluctantly. "Be as fast as possible, okay, Hinamori? I really, really don't like this.
"Yes, captain," Hinamori said, nodding. The captain only just realized what she had said after she left the room. She had finally called him by his title, and he couldn't enjoy it, because he was in Matsumoto's body. Damn it all!
The captain was hiding behind a tree when he saw the gate open and Hinamori appeared, followed closely by the expressionless Squad 12 lieutenant, who held a bottle in her hands.
"Captain?" Hinamori called, leaning over slightly. "Here, cap'n, cap'n, cap'n, cap'n…"
"I'm not a kitten," the captain said distastefully. "I'm right here." He stepped out from behind the tree, and found Nemu's bottle shoved into his hands.
"This is the antidote," she said. "You see, Master Mayuri has been experimenting with mind-switching devices and used some of the captains and lieutenants of the 13 Court Guard Squads. Sadly, it seems Squads 8, 2, 10, and 11 seem to have been affected the most severely. Shunsui Kyoraku, upon entering Nanao Ise's body, enjoyed it quite a bit. Squad 11 is forever traumatized by Zaraki Kenpachi with a little pink zanpakuto and a large amount of cotton candy—"
"I'll stop you there," the captain said. "Drinking this will return me to my own body?"
"Yes, captain," Nemu said. The captain paused, waiting for the catch. Nemu didn't quite understand. "I made sure that I came fully prepared. I laughed all I wanted before coming, captain."
Captain Hitsugaya sighed.
"Bottom's up," he said grimly, and tipped the bottle into his open mouth.
Epilogue
"It's so nice to be back to my own body," Matsumoto said with a sigh, fingering her hair. "I never missed it this much. I'll never take it for granted again, I promise."
"Right, right," Captain Hitsugaya said distractedly. "I have work to do, Matsumoto. Go stare at yourself in a mirror or drink to your heart's content or whatever women usually do when they have nothing to do. Go spend your allowance."
"Really, captain?" Matsumoto asked, clasping her hands eagerly.
"Knock yourself out," the captain said dismissively. Matsumoto danced out of the room. The captain looked up slightly, watching as she disappeared out the door. Once he was certain she was gone, he pulled open a drawer and pulled out a mirror, which he leaned against a stack of unfinished paperwork. The captain looked down at his mirror and smiled slightly, quirking an eyebrow at his reflection.
"You," he purred, "are a sexy beast."
End