The Most Dangerous Subject...
*A BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG arigato to Dreamshades aka Nita-chan for typing this up for me!! What would I do w/out you? Hope y'all like it, First one shot I've done in a while! ~SLS~*
"Is everyone here?" Folken looked around at his "class" warily. Dalet was primping, Gatti and Miguel were flinging paper footballs at one another, Viole was balancing a pencil on top of his nose, Guimel was staring at the ceiling, Ryuon was reading a book, and Dilandau was sleeping, arm wrapped protectively around the flamethrower that occupied the seat next to his. Folken sighed and whacked a ruler down on the podium to get their attention. "Where is Ch-" Chesta ran in, taking his seat next to Guimel.
"I'm sorry I'm late, Lord Folken! I had cookies baking!" Dilandau glanced unhappily at the slayer, muttering,
"fashionably late...I should've done that..." Folken sighed, and gripped the edge of the podium in irritation. Why did he have to talk to them again? Dilandau, patience not having been one of his virtues, shouted out. "Folken! What's this confounded thing for? I've got things to do!" He mentioned the word "Van" and began stroking his cheek, a glazed look over his eyes and an insane grin on his face. Folken coughed and said,
"I've been ordered to talk to you all about a very serious danger that faces all of us. You men, myself, and even Dilandau. Dilandau! Pay attention!" Dilandau looked up grudgingly from his chanting and cheek stroking, but complied. "As I was saying...I need to talk to you about some very life threatening things, mainly-"
"STDs!"
Everyone looked at Miguel, who blushed, then looked away. Chesta raised his hand. "Drugs?" Gatti stood up, saluting.
"The dragon, sir!"
"VAN!!!" Dilandau jumped out of his chair and picked up his flamethrower, the other occupant of his desk. Folken quickly took the item and made Dilandau sit down sulkingly. Dilandau sat quietly, stroking his cheek again.
"No! We're talking about women!" Dalet giggled, and Folken had to take away the comic he was reading. Dilandau sighed.
"You know, Folken, we can't have that kind of preference on the Vione. I mean, if you want to do anything with one of the men, you'll have to--"
"No!" Folken blushed furiously. "I like having a woman in my bed as much as the next man. I'm talking about Dangerous women! FANGIRLS!!" The room became quiet as the words echoed through the room. Folken continued. "These girls are lust-crazed, giggling, and dangerous. We all know what happened to Miguel when he was surrounded by all those
girls..." Miguel blushed again, rocking on his chair with his arms around his knees. He was chanting
"I'm not a player I'm not a player I'm not a player I'm not a player I'm not a player..." Folken continued, watching the slayer out of the corner of his eye.
"The abuse he went through could happen to any of us, because we're all good looking, and we're all unmarried... Now, the other generals and Emperor Dornkirk don't have to worry because they aren't half as good looking as us. Because Miguel has experienced this, he is dismissed. The rest of you, stay put." Miguel got up and left, and Folken bolted the door after him. "Now... you need to hold onto something, because when I take them out, they'll attack instantly and latch onto anything that moves." Dilandau had stopped stroking his cheek by
this time and was beginning to panic.
"You can't let fangirls in here!! It's... It's... unsanitary!!" Folken stepped behind a steel reinforced door, shaking his head.
"No, they're not. Give them a couple of shojo magazines and they occupy themselves quite nicely for about an hour. Then, you have to worry, because they begin to look for someone to glump. When the door opens, I want you to use whatever skills you've got to fend them off, alright? Ready? Here you go!" At the push of a button, a large door slid open, and there was
instant chaos. From behind the shatterproof glass, Folken could see several of the boys try to defend themselves, while others tried to run. Chesta, being the one closest to the door, was swamped instantly, followed by Guimel, then Ryuon. They didn't have a chance. Dalet ran about the room until the girls set up a trap to ensnare him. The one victorious sat him down, pulled out a brush, and handed him a mirror, telling him to pretty up himself again while she held on protectively to his waist. Viole was being pet by a girl who wouldn't let go, and Gatti had 3 women on him, though he didn't seem to mind. Several other slayers who had grouped together protectively found themselves surrounded and were soon brought to their knees. Folken
was impressed to see Dilandau seem fangirl free, but he saw why in a moment. Latched around his waist was a very tenacious girl who growled at anyone who walked too closely to her "prize." Dilandau, for his part, was busy playing with the matches and flamable things she'd offered him. Folken surveyed the room one last time before writing a single thing on his clipboard.
"Slayers reaction to fangirls: needs improvement." He sighed, turned around, and found himself face to face with a fangirl he hadn't noticed before. "What??? How did you get in here? All fangirls are supposed to be in that room!!" The girl grinned and launched into a tirade
before launching herself at him.
"But Folkie, I only like yoooooooooou!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
With that, Folken was taken prisoner. The DS were never heard from again.
Epilogue:
Actually, they were. The catgirls came in, finding their 'Folkie' tied up on the ground with a fangirl sitting on him, and they promptly fixed the situation. Once free of his bonds, Folken sent reinforcements to free the slayers, who by that time were at various stages of undress-- all except for Chesta who had a tray of cookies held out in front of him, distracting them from his shirt. After 10 minutes, the room was under control again and the fangirls were returned to their various locations on the Mystic Moon. Many articles of clothing had been stolen for souvenirs, all their dogtags were missing, and several phone numbers had been exchanged during the ordeal. Folken shook his head as he scanned the area. "It looks as though we'll need another conference. Next week, STDs!"
~The End~