A/N: This was originally written as a small backstory to the novel-length story I'm currently writing to be published here later: Harry Potter and the Secrets of the Past.
Seventh year by far was the worst at Hogwarts for me. The woman that I loved chose now to start dating him. No matter what I did or said, she wouldn't forgive me. I left her flowers at her potions table, sent her messages by owl, even begged when I could catch her alone. I had sealed my fate with her in a fit of anger when I made the biggest mistake of my life. I called the woman I love; the most talented witch I ever met; Lily Evans, a mudblood. She would never forgive me.
There was no way I could go down to the Great Hall for the Yule Dance. Lily would be there dancing and snogging on him. I wouldn't, couldn't watch her drift farther from me, farther into the arms of my enemy. I had already watched her and her friends come out of the Gryffindor Tower on their way to the dance. She was beautiful, breathtaking, in a dress that matched the exact shade of green as her eyes, her deep red hair pulled up off her bare shoulders. My heart couldn't take it anymore; I had to get out of there.
Professor Slughorn already kicked me out of the Potions Classroom earlier to chase me off to the dance "Go, have fun! Enjoy yourself!" He told me, shooing me away. I wanted to be alone and the Potions room would've been perfect. I knew the only other place open to students tonight would be the library. The library was open almost all the time for the bookworms to read and study. I could be alone, but not alone enough.
I sat down by a desk outside the librarian's office with an old potions book and began rereading it for the tenth time. I'd read them all, even the ones in the restricted section. Most students stayed away from her office in fear they might offend her. As long as a student was quiet, respected the library and the books inside it, she left them alone.
I couldn't concentrate on the book at all that night, the memory of Lily in her Yule dress was dancing in front of me, taunting me, haunting me to tears that took every ounce of strength I had to just hide. I hated to admit she got to me like that, that I let myself fall for her. I was stupid for trying to get her to forgive me, I needed to let go, I needed to say Good Bye. But I didn't want to let her go! I loved her, I loved Lily Evans and my heart was shattered and I had only myself to blame.
The library was almost empty when a girl came in wearing a royal blue dress and tears in her eyes, obviously running from the Yule Dance as I had. She was on the verge of sobbing. Another victim of the evil emotion love, I thought. If that were the outcome of her going, she never should have bothered, saved herself the probable embarrassment of running out of the crowded Great Hall with all eyes watching her leave. She staggered into the librarian's office and slammed the door behind her. I could hear her let loose the flood of tears into the arms of Madam Pince, confessing her heart out at her mistake. I couldn't help but listen in and as she continued I knew; it wasn't her mistake.
She said she'd made the mistake of going to the dance in the first place "I never should've come, I knew better but they said it would be fun!" she cried.
She said she'd made the mistake of trying to walk up to him while he had an entourage "I knew I should've walked away when I saw him sitting there with those girls!" she cried.
She said she'd made the mistake of asking him to dance "I never should've asked him to dance with me, I should've waited until he was alone!" she cried.
She said she'd made the mistake of not listening to him when he told her they'd talk later, to walk away "I should've listened to him. He told me to walk away, that we could talk later!" she cried.
She said all those mistakes led to him laughing at her and calling her… I couldn't make it out she cried so hard. "I just wanted to tell him I was in love with him but I guess he never even considered me!" she cried.
She had said enough for me to know that she had made no mistakes tonight, the fault was with the boy who chased her away, who called her some name she couldn't openly repeat it hurt her so bad. She could have been Lily after I had made the mistake of calling her a mudblood. Had I broken her heart this bad? Had she cried to someone like this? Did I cause my Lily to shed a single tear in pain? Probably, Lily may have been strong on the outside but I knew her too well on the inside from the years we spent as neighbors and friends. Yes, I had made my Lily cry like this girl was now doing. I had broken my Lily's heart.
Knowing Madam Pince had a limited supply of tissues in her office I nicked a box from the supply closet in the hallway and knocked on the door. I had to see her face, to know who it was and I wanted to know who had hurt this girl so badly tonight.
"I'm sorry for interrupting M… Madam Pince, but I thought you might need these. I didn't mean to eavesdrop Ma'am, but I was sitting at the table over here." I said looking around the librarian into the eyes of a friend, a girl I knew who occasionally joined in potions lessons. I had always thought Professor Slughorn had assigned her extra lessons because she was horrible, but she had surprised even me "The Half-Blood Prince, Potions Master" just this afternoon by completing hers before I had completed mine. I knew her as a Hufflepuff, by her school robes, but rarely saw her anywhere else. It didn't matter because when I did see her, she talked to me as if we were equals and talked to me about anything and everything possible. She was almost as good a friend as Lily had been.
"Is there anything I can do?" I asked.
"I need to lock up the library" Madam Pince said. "Please stay with her for a minute, if you don't mind?" she asked me. What was I to say? No? No, the librarian had done way too much for me to deny her my time while she locked up, a task she trusted to no one.
"Oh Severus!" the girl began crying again. "I'm so glad you're here!" She said as she ran into my arms, crying into my shoulder. I patted her back, not knowing what else to do.
"I'm sorry" I said, meaning I was sorry for listening in but she took it as sympathy for her situation and held on tighter to me. Oh well, she apparently needed me to do this right now and no one had needed me for as long as I could remember. Someone needed me and it felt… good.
"Anyone would be daft to deny you a dance" I said. Where did that come from? I asked myself but felt her laugh against my chest. I ran my hand through her roughed up hair to smooth it, her tears were slowing and she hiccoughed "Thank you."
"Who did this to you?" I couldn't help myself, I wanted to know. I was afraid she was going to yell at me for asking or tell me it was none of my business, but she simply mumbled "Sirius Black" into my robes. My anger flared, I wanted to run out of the room and hit him with every jinx and curse I could think of. This was the last straw. I had seen him break hearts all over the castle but hurting her was too much and calling her…. No, I wouldn't stand for it. I began to pull away, to go after him, to defend her but she held tighter. "Don't go… Please?" she said, finally looking up at me.
Her eyes were puffing up, her lashes and cheeks wet with tears; her eyes begging me not to leave her, when she needed me. "I won't" I told her and she buried her face again against my chest and I began smoothing her hair.
I don't know how long we stood there like that but Madam Pince had left for the night. My legs were getting tired. When I tried to pull away again she held on. "I only want to get more comfortable" I told her and she let go of my waist only to hold my hand instead. "Let's sit down over here" I said as I pointed to a spot on the floor free of furniture. She nodded her head and let me lead her over and help her sit down.
We sat side by side with our backs to the stone wall, her head on my shoulder, shivering. Without thinking I took off my school robes and placed them around her. I should've been embarrassed by the torn, faded pants I had on. I should've been ashamed of the worn, holey shirt I was wearing too, but she wasn't paying attention to my clothes. All she seemed to care about was that I was there.
I conjured a cup and pitcher of water for her, she looked amazed. I smiled and thought "No wonder she's in Hufflepuff" but didn't want to say it to her, it would only hurt her more. I couldn't cause her more pain.
She began to retell the story of the night, this time no tears fell. She revealed more to me than she had told the librarian. She had been in love with him for a while, they had been friends, and he had hurt her. The similarities were obvious and painful. I wrapped my arm around her and let her repeat it all. When she blamed herself, I couldn't help myself, I wouldn't let her take the blame for his mistakes. I wouldn't let her believe she had done anything wrong. I couldn't even let her believe she had been wrong falling in love with him; it was his fault for not seeing what he missed out on.
I felt her shift in my arm; she looked up at me again. When I looked down at her I saw her face was returning to normal, her eyes were still sparkling with potential tears. For the first time since I'd met her I thought she's beautiful. I couldn't help myself; I leaned down hesitantly and kissed her. She was just as hesitant but reciprocated. My first kiss, and hers. I knew she was thinking of Sirius and I was thinking of Lily but it didn't matter. Somehow talking with her tonight had eased my own pain as I helped ease hers.
A voice called her name from the hallway, Peter Pettigrew. She pulled away, "I should go if they've started looking for me." She said.
"Please… not yet" I heard myself say as I leaned in to kiss her again, she returned the kiss meeting me halfway. As Peter's footsteps died away I brought my hands up to cup her face, I didn't want this to end. When her hands found my shoulders I knew neither did she. She sent shivers down my spine as she ran her hands from my shoulders down my back and pulled herself closer to me.
I let my hands slide down her neck to her shoulders not realizing I was pushing the thin straps of her dress down. She didn't stop me, instead her hands found the edge of my shirt tucked into my pants and pulled it out. I gasped as her bare hands found the bare skin of my back, a sensation I never imagined. Her fingertips felt like they were trailing lightning across my skin. It felt wonderful and I wanted more.
Tentatively I ran my hands towards her back to find the zipper of her dress. I wanted so bad to unzip it but I was afraid she say no, afraid she'd stop kissing and touching me. The thought of returning her touch won over and pulled her zipper down, letting my hands glide against her soft skin. She let out the softest of moans in response to my touch. Her hand began tugging at my shirt, trying to pull it off over my head. We had to break our kiss to remove my shirt and I couldn't help but look into her eyes. There was a fire burning deep inside them as my shirt came off, my hands went to my side. I looked down embarrassed at my scrawny form thinking for the first time that this girl was in love with someone built stronger than me. Her eyes followed mine and her eyes took me in, I wanted to pull my shirt back on but she ran her hands down my arms and pulled them back around her; she leaned in to kiss me again.
Her dress was falling as we ran our hands over each other so I finished pulling the zipper down the rest of the way. It was barely held on by the thin straps now near her elbows. I guided her arms out of the straps and the dress fell to the ground. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening. She was trying to unfasten the old belt that held up my ragged pants. I needed to see her, to see she was real.
She was beautiful, her hair falling loose over her shoulders. She was standing before me in a strapless bra of midnight blue and matching panties. She looked up into my eyes again, still fighting with my belt. "May I?" I asked placing my hands over hers. "Please" she answered. "Lie down on my robes" I suggested as I my belt came undone. Her hands took over and she unfastened the button and zipper then gave my pants just enough of a shove that they fell past my hips. I kissed her eagerly. I couldn't let her see the rags I wore underneath, not when she looked so pristine in front of me.
Another voice called her name from the hallway, Remus Lupin, the werewolf in mans clothes.
"Please, don't stop" she breathed into my lips and I obeyed by stepping out of my shoes and pants.
We moved slowly, carefully, together to lie down on robes on the floor. I didn't want this to stop. My thoughts were finally on something else, something new and exciting that was setting me on fire from the inside out and she was fueling it. I could forget everything right now and everything would be alright.
But now she was pulling away, why was she pulling away? I was afraid she was changing her mind, she was going to bolt, go run into the arms of the werewolf walking away. Would she claim enchantment; that I forced her into this? No, please, no.
She looked up into my eyes from a few inches away, reached her arms behind her back and unfastened her bra. Her hands caught it before it fell so that it was still covering her breasts. She was frozen for a second, a shot a fear flitted in her eyes. I looked back into her eyes trying to bury my own fears. If I wanted this to continue, I had to make the next move and it had to be right. If I made the wrong move she would run, I could feel it in her stare. I did the only thing I could think of. I placed my hands gently back on her face and pulled her back into our kiss.
Her hands began again to run the length of my back again sending shivers throughout my body and I too let out an unexpected moan. Fuel for her fire, I thought, because she kissed me harder, deeper and pulled me closer to her. I could feel her breasts pressed against the bare skin of my chest. I let one of my hands slide between us and I cupped her breast, my hand brushing her nipple. It was her turn to gasp, then her gasp turned into a long, slow moan; her nails raked against the skin of my back and I knew I wanted her to do it again. I chanced placing my other hand on her other breast between us, purposefully brushing her nipples not once, but twice, and again her nails sank into my skin.
She was pulling me closer, pulling me down off my knees on top of her. I pressed my body against hers, knowing the only thing in our way were our combined 2 measly layers of clothes. I needed more of her reaction so I rose up on one arm freeing the other to continue playing with her nipple, each stroke of my hand earning me more scratches. I stopped kissing her; I needed to see the reaction on her face. I freed her lips to allow her to whisper "More!"
I wanted more than anything to oblige her immediately but the Slytherin in me reared its head and I began to greedily, lightly kiss her lips, then her neck, then down her shoulder. This was working better than before; she was wrapping herself around me, her nails sinking in as she pulled me closer. It was taking everything I had not to cry out. My lips met her nipple and I whispered against it "Like this?" I asked.
"Yes"
I brushed it with my lips.
"Yes"
I let my tongue flick it.
"Oh… Yes, please?"
I began to suck, her hands moved lower to grab my hips and she pulled me against her. There was a heat there I had never known before. I let my urges take over, my needs calling louder, I pressed against her. She tugged against me again and I pressed against her again, and again.
Yet again another voice called her name from the hallway, it was him! No! He wasn't stopping me from this, not now.
She stopped, frozen. No, please, no! I looked into her eyes and silently pleaded with her and I dared to tilt my hips into her again. It worked; she pulled me back down into a kiss and I began to rub my fingers against her nipple again. She dug her nails deep into my back again. I couldn't take it anymore. The fire building between us was about to burn out of control.
It was as if she had read my mind. She reached between us and began fumbling with my underpants trying to get them over my hips. I helped her as much as I could while holding myself up off of her. Once off she reached up and grabbed me in her hands. I gasped at her touch. She ran her hand the whole length, over the head, and back down as if examining every inch. I leaned my head down into the crook of her neck, moaning from the experience. She did it again as if to memorize the whole thing. She needed to stop or I wouldn't be able continue much longer. I removed her hand, kissed her again, and rubbed the length against her satin panties.
The panties were still in the way. I wanted to see her. I pulled myself off of her admiring her lying beneath me. I reached down and began tugging her panties off, she moved gracefully as she assisted me in their removal. She was beautiful, just beginning to glisten with the sweat of desire. When she was free of the last article of clothing she pulled me down onto her, and into her. It was soft, warm, silky smooth inside her. We had both gasped upon my entrance, looking deep into each other's eyes. I rocked my hips against her again feeling her envelope me, pulling me deeper inside with each push. She let her nails run across my back again down to my hips. My body was filling with the most wondrous sensations I have ever felt in my life and they were building more powerfully by the second, building with each thrust of my hips. She was holding on tighter, pulling me closer.
She pulled my head down to hers and kissed me, kissed me like none of the other kisses we shared before this. I couldn't hold back any longer, my body felt as if it was going to explode from the inside out. She had one hand behind my head, holding me into the kiss. Her other hand was urging me to press into her, deeper, as deep as I could go. She moaned beneath my lips, her hands gripped me tighter, harder; her body began to shake underneath me. I was being squeezed tightly inside her, moving against her constrictions. I had to let go, I couldn't fight against this any longer.
With our lips locked, our bodies clenched together, I released everything I had inside me, joining her in the convulsions of pleasure that gripped us. We collapsed into each other, enjoying the aftermath of what we shared. Breathing hard I rolled off of her and pulled her into my arms. I didn't want to let go of her for fear I would never have an experience like this again.
She had her cheek resting on my chest when she confessed "This was my first time too." I laughed lightly. I wanted to lie, to tell her there were others, but she knew my secret like I knew hers. My heart belonged to another as did hers. I sighed deeply and admitted "I'm glad it was with you." I felt her smile against my chest as I conjured a pillow and blanket for us share. "Thank you" she said sleepily against me. I was content.
They wouldn't go away. A fourth voice called her name from the hallway; it was the one who hurt her. I wanted him to go away more than any of them but he was persistent tonight. Sirius tried the knobs on the double doors of the library. He tried the knob on the door to the librarian's office.
"I know you're in there, somewhere. There's no other place we can think of that you'd be hiding." He said. "I know you can hear me. I'm sorry." He added. "Please believe me, I am so sorry. We're worried about you. I am worried about you, please come out. Please, James is going crazy looking for you."
I felt a tear hit my chest. He had made her cry. He was erasing everything we had shared. She leaned her head up to whisper in my ear. "He's not sorry" she said and now I wanted to cry with her because I knew the truth. The sound in his voice reminded me so much of my own when I begged Lily to forgive me.
I turned so we were lying face to face, the burning behind my eyes threatening to spill over. "I think he means it, Love. I think he is sorry and truly worried about you." I admitted. She knew I was speaking my own words, not those of Sirius.
She sat up and began to get dressed. I was losing her. I got dressed too. I couldn't believe this was over already. I grabbed her hand and kissed her again. She fell into me, kissing me back sweetly, gently, holding me close.
"It's getting late, Severus. I've got to be getting back to Gryffindor Tower." She said sadly her face buried in my chest again.
"I thought you were a Hufflepuff?" I asked her.
"Um… no… I'm a… well… I'm not a student here." She said softly still into my chest. "Do you know any spells to fix messed up hair? I left my brush in my purse on a table in the Great Hall." She looked up at me, pleading.
"No..." I said but reached into the lost and found drawer in the librarian's office and handed her a brush. "Please explain"
"Severus, please don't be mad at me, you look furious." She stared at me, tears getting ready to fall again and this time they would be my fault. I sighed deeply trying to calm myself. Who was this woman standing in front of me?
"I thought you knew about me." She asked. "I'm not a student because I'm a…. Oh I hate this word!" she stomped her foot. "It's what he called me in front of his girlfriend and her friends, knowing I hate it!" She sighed and looked directly into my eyes. "I'm a squib."
"That explains a lot actually, except the fact that we needed a wand and magic for the potion we made this afternoon." I said accusingly.
"It's bonded magic"
"You lie! That is one of the most rarest and powerful forms of magic in the world! Where's your wand!"
"Upstairs in Gryffindor Tower, don't worry, I'm going to snap it in half once I get back up there."
"Who are you bonded to?"
"Sirius"
The confession should have infuriated me. I should've stormed off right then and there but I didn't. Her eyes held me in place, eyes that threatened to flood over again. I couldn't hurt her, not after what we did together. Something strange came over me and I laughed and pulled her into me instead, held her tightly. "A squib? That's your big secret? The one people in this school have been trying to figure out for the past 6 years?" I laughed more. "There is no shame in being a squib, Love. It is not your fault how you were born." And for the first time, I believed it. She held me tighter.
"Thank you, Severus." She said smiling at me. "Do you think it's safe to leave yet?"
"Yeah" I sighed. "I think so"
We walked out of the library together, hand in hand. I locked the office behind us turned and took her in my arms, and kissed her again. When we pulled apart I kept her hand in mine.
"You know we can't tell anyone about this" I sighed looking down at her.
"I know, but I'll never forget it and maybe we can do it again sometime?" she asked, shyly, slyly.
"I would be honored, my love" I kissed the back of her hand. We had to part ways here. Gryffindor Tower was off to the right. Slytherin Dungeon was down the hall across from the library doors. There was part of me that didn't want to say goodbye but I knew we had to. She hugged me tightly and ran off up the stairs.
I smiled after her and once she was out of sight turned slightly to look down the corridor off to the left and smiled again before walking down the stairs to the dungeons.
My Secrets?
When his twin was crying in my arms my mother, Madam IRMA PINCE (I'm a Prince) aka Eileen Prince, had left her office keys on top of her filing cabinet and locked us in. She was smiling with pride that I could potentially win myself a girlfriend.
When I told her it was safe to leave I knew Sirius Black was hiding in his animagus form in the shadows down the corridor to the left. He saw and heard our farewell.
I had found a way to silently get back at both of my enemies in one shot. Sirius Black loved her, that much I knew from watching him watch her. Whatever reason he had behind upsetting her that night he regretted it and I knew from the following weeks, months, years, he regretted it with all his soul. The only drawback was he never told James.
And whenever I saw Sirius in the future, I silently thanked him for hurting her that night. If he hadn't, I may never have had an experience like that because I never let Lily out of my heart again, never long enough to allow someone else in.