Aero(c)2009
Prologue
I was a freak.
I've thought about it many times and after seeing the results, I had no choice but to believe so. My mother looked at me with eyes that speak of the things she did wrong, my father's head averted in shame. My brother refused to talk to me, and I lost many friends because my own self-satisfaction. Everything I had once loved was gone to me now and it was all because of a mistake.
It was that one small mistake that ruined my life. Previously, I never would have thought to do something so wrong, so below my standards. Hell, if someone would've told me I would be doing shit like that, I would have killed him. Of course, I didn't have someone to warn me, and I ended up in a loop I'll never be able to get out of because life is never that easy. It has to take you through a roller coaster of events that leave you empty and sorrowful and--
I don't remember anymore. What was that mistake that I made when I was young..... was it a chain of mistakes that I made? I sighed, looking down the dark alleyway before me. How did I become this? I didn't want to know. I clenched my teeth, moving forward into the dark alley. Not to far from me was a bright neon sign that read "The 13th". My nostrils flared, not ready to step foot in there.
Drugs, alcohol, sex....that's all everything is about these days. It makes me sick to see myself in the mirror and realize the ditch I dug myself into. I was hardly happy anymore. Where was the former Axel who had once rained confidence? Where was Axel? No, there was only Alex now. I sharply inhaled while biting my lip, not wanting to think about it. I had a job to do now and I couldn't mess up my make up.
My hand rested on the grimy steel handle to the notorious strip club, "The 13th". The cold metal was a reminder of what I had done, and I withdrew my hand slowly, thinking of my current career. Images of the amounts of make up I used, the amounts of men I had attracted....Vomit was building up in my stomach, and I opened the door as quickly as possible, rushing to the bathroom across the empty bar. Only thing I remember from then is the loud clicking of my purple snakeskin heels. Bloody fucking great! I kneeled over the toilet, blowing my guts up in the no indistinguishable water.
I am a fucking whore and there was no way around it. I cannot explain the anger I feel towards myself. I flushed the toilet, watching the contents of most of my day go down the drain. I tried to stand up, and I used the dingy walls surrounding me to help me up. The walls were a nasty colored brown, a color I was used to seeing these days. Grabbing the white sink, I looked up into the mirror. I appeared female, with eye shadow, mascara, and other various types of make up on. My hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail the way my manager liked it. "It shows off your gorgeous, long neck," he had said, and I was discusted at myself more than before all of a sudden.
It hit me like the stack of books my English teacher threw at me in high school a while ago. I was only like this because of a fight. A small fight that left those two triangular marks on my face. Those marks of shame carved into my face after losing. I was just a stupid kid, now look where it got me! A dirty strip club that hires men to sell themselves as a woman according to the manager's fetishes. I looked down at my manicured fingernails, shaking my head in disbelief.
I'm ashamed.