I entered this for the weekly challenge on Tumblr. This week's theme is Dreams.
It's hard for me to face days like this Jane. Days when I stare down at the small body gently resting on my table and I know I have to shove all my emotions down just to get through the day. It was difficult enough to deal with a child's autopsy before, but now it is even more difficult. I can't complete one without thinking of that day.
The day that we had celebrated the pregnancy. We left the doctor's office overjoyed because the procedure had failed twice already. We held your stomach as we walked out, smiling while discussing how to tell our friends and family. It was the same day the drunk driver hit our car. The day that changed my life and ended yours. The day that left me with nothing other than my dreams of you and what our life could have been together.
Today is even more difficult than usual Jane, the young girl looks like you. She has a beautiful angular face and brown eyes. Her hair is still curly from her young age. She looks like what I imagine our daughter to look like. So today, I will slip into my office after completing this autopsy, an autopsy that no one should ever have to complete, and dream. Dream about our life and our child.
"Jane. I can see you standing in the doorway." Maura smiled and turned back towards her 7 year old daughter who was lying on the bed.
Jane smiled and sat next to her wife on the bed. She gently gave her cheek a kiss and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Hi mommy." Their daughter smiled lovingly back up at Jane before wiping her hand against her runny nose.
"You must not be feeling good if you're calling me mommy. You always call me mom." Jane feigned shock before placing the back of her hand on her daughter's forehead.
"She's warm Maur."
"She's okay Jane, it's just the flu. It will pass." Maura smiled and wiped her daughter's hand with a tissue.
"Can you guys tell me a bedtime story?" Her eyes gleamed with happiness and fatigue.
Maura and Jane smiled and sat at the foot of the bed side-by-side hands clutched together. Maura nodded and started first "Once upon a time, there was a beautiful strong knight. Her name was J."
Jane added "And a beautiful smart princess that was named M. M was a great princess, she helped all the villagers that needed her help…"
"But she was sad and lonely because she didn't have her true love. But one day the strong knight J came along to ask for her help in her quest of saving the whole land. The knight was an amazing knight, she was strong and fearless…"
"But she too, just like the princess, didn't have her true love. So the knight and the princess started their journey to save the land. They worked together and won all their battles…"
"Their toughest against mean dragons named Casey…"
"And Dennis."
"But no matter what they always won. Finally one day after the knight got hurt and the princess helped her, they finally found their true loves."
"Each other."
"So the princess and the knight got married and had a BEAUTIFUL daughter named Sophia, and they all lived happily ever after."
Maura and Jane looked at each other before they shared a small kiss. Their daughter had fallen fast asleep and Maura wiped her runny nose one more time before getting off the bed. They both placed a light kiss on their daughter's forehead before walking out of the room and turning off the lights.
That dream leaves me content for the rest of the day. The dreams are like memories I cling onto, because even though it's been two years I still can't believe you're gone. These dreams are my happiness Jane. They keep me upright all day, because I know no matter how much I miss you when I go home for the night you will be with me again. That's where I'm headed right now, home, our home.
"The dinner is wonderful thank you for having me over." The silence was broken by the nervous voice.
Jane looked up from her food and towards the young girl that sat across from her. She was young, her cheeks flush from nerves and her face strained in concern. Her hand was underneath the table tightly clutching Jane and Maura's son's leg. The young couple had been dating for about two months. Maura and Jane were surprised when Josh had invited his new girlfriend over to meet them. So here they all sat at a dinner table in an odd unsettling silence.
"Oh it was no problem. It really is nice to meet you Lexie." Maura smiled.
The silence settled again and Josh shifted once again slightly facing towards Lexie clearing his throat lightly.
"So how is your AP Biology project going?" He smiled before placing his napkin on his plate.
"Oh, umm, it's going well. I have it mainly completed, I just need to re-edit the write up."
Maura smiled, "What is your project on?"
"It's simple, I had to do a study on stem cells and do some write ups, not much. Sadly it's taking longer than I hoped with all the other projects I have to complete, and my softball schedule."
"Oh you play softball?" Jane set her fork down on her plate.
"Yeah, I pitch."
"Well that's great that you are so active in school." Maura smiled sipping from her wine glass.
The silence once again settled around the room. The only noise from occasional sips of drinks. Josh cleared his throat once again startling the others at the table. "So anything interesting at work today?"
"Finally caught the shooter from that mugging. He had the nerve to punch Frost in the face." Jane slightly shook her head taking a sip of her beer.
"Oh you're a cop?" Lexie asked nervously.
Jane cocked an eyebrow at Maura who simply shrugged.
"Detective actually. I'm surprised you didn't know that. You've been dating my son for two months now."
"I'm a Medical Examiner, we work together. That's how we met actually." Maura smiled gently grabbing Jane's hand.
Lexie turned towards Josh before talking in a low hushed whisper, "Great, so once your mother kills me the other one can hide the evidence. Thanks, I appreciate it."
Josh let out a loud laugh causing Lexie to glare at him as Jane and Maura stared at the young girl. Jane looked towards Lexie, "Care to share with the rest of us?"
Lexie turned bright red and her eyes lowered towards her lap as Josh ended his laughter, "I- I- umm, I just said that, ummm…"
Josh cut off quickly "If you were to kill her, mom could cover up the evidence on the body."
Maura slightly choked on her sip of wine and Jane's mouth turned into a slight smile before she leaned forward a bit and looked directly into the girl's eyes. "Then don't give me a reason to kill you."
Lexie's face turned pale and Maura kicked Jane underneath the table, "You're scaring the poor girl."
After regaining a bit of her color Lexie began standing, "May I use your restroom?" Josh nodded and gave a smile before pointing towards the bathroom. Lexie left with a small "Thanks."
Jane looked towards her son when she was sure Lexie was gone, "She seems nice." Jane gave a small smile of approval before wrapping her arm around her wife's chair. "What do you think Maur?"
"She seems very nice sweetie, I'm glad you're happy with her."
Josh smiled, "Thanks, I really like her, and honestly after you get to know her you guys will like her too."
Maura took another sip of her wine and nodded.
"I mean she's smart with science and stuff like you mom." Josh pointed towards Maura with his glass. He redirected towards Jane, "But she can also talk sports with you for hours mom, and she's a Red Sox fan."
The rest of the evening flew by, everyone more at ease with one another. The conversation shifted rapidly one second talking about cell divisions then the World Series another. Lexie left that night with a smile on her face and a small kiss on Josh's cheek.
"I think we did well Maura."
"With what?"
"Raising our son. Can you believe he's almost in college?"
"He still has a whole year left Jane."
"Yeah but still. I think we've done well."
I wake up feeling happy every morning Jane, because these are the things I dream about. Our family. The family that we should have had, you me and our baby. It's a different story every time I close my eyes Jane; a different name, a different face, a different age, everything different, but the love I feel stays the same. Just like my love for you will always remain the same Jane. Forever and always I will love you.