Warning: It's about to get random up in here!
I was in a cold medicine induced state of mind last night and kept listening to Flight of the Conchords. This oneshot was born.
Italics are song lyrics. Songs appear in this order: Boom, Bret, you've got it goin on, Sugalumps, The most beautiful girl (in the room), Albi the racist dragon, Business time.
I do not own anything in this story except for the horribly random situation that these characters are forced into by me.
"Masako! Thank goodness you picked up!" said Ayako. Masako thought she sounded rather flustered. She had been sitting in her living room all evening watching reruns of Ouran High School Host Club. Honey-sempai was soooo cuuuute! Her cell phone had suddenly started ringing the customized ringtone that she set for Ayako. When Ayako called, her phone repeated the phrase "This is clearly the work of an earth spirit!"
"Ayako? What's wrong?" asked Masako in concern.
"You need to come get John before him and Monk destroy my apartment!" yelled Ayako. "They've had too much to drink and John said he was homesick for Australia and that Flight of the Conchords was close enough to - hey! Get away!" Ayako was suddenly drowned out by the voices of John and Monk reciting some sort of rap.
"LET ME BUY YOU A BOOOM BOOOM! YOU ORDER A FANCY BOOM! YOU LIKE BOOM?! I LIKE BOOM?! ENOUGH SMALL BOOM! LET'S BOOM THE BOOOOOM!"
"What the…?" Masako blurted, glancing at her phone in shock.
"Oh, hi there, Masssssss-ako!" John slurred into the phone, sounds of Ayako scolding him and Monk in the background. "Wait. Massss-ako? When did you become a phone?"
"Oh, John. Honey...Sweetie…" Masako said soothingly, cringing at the thought of how drunk he was. "Sit down on the couch and stay there until I come get you. Alright?"
"John, you got it goin on!" Monk could be heard singing in the background. "The ladies will get to know your sexuality when they get to know your personality!"
"YAY!" John yelled.
Masako had heard enough. She hung up with a flourish of her kimono sleeve. Then she was off.
Ayako opened the door immediately once Masako arrived. A laptop was open to a YouTube page. Before she could say a word, Monk jumped out in front of them, dancing and hip thrusting.
"All the laaaadies checking out my sugalumps! They drive the ladies CRAAAAY-ZAAAY!" bellowed Monk.
John popped out of the kitchen, dancing in the threshold, his hips gyrating.
"All these BITCHES checking out my britches! Put em' in a TRAAAANCE, when I wear track pants! My DUNGAREEES make them HUNGAREEE! They're over the MOOON when I don PANTALOOONS!" He stopped and ran to dance in the middle of the living room with Monk.
"We see ya girls checkin' out our trunks! We see ya girls checkin' out the front of our trunks! We see ya girls lookin' at our junk, then checkin' out our junk, then back to our sugalumps!" The men performed an elaborate dance number that left both Ayako and Masako speechless.
"What...why...how...what…?" Masako questioned, utterly baffled.
"They've been doing this for an hour. They finished all the rest of my beer and started looking on YouTube for Flight of the Conchords songs! They've been repeating this song until you got here. Except...the choreographed dance was new…" said Ayako, eyeing Monk's hip thrusting moves.
"Masakoooooooo!" John hollered, running at the medium and lifting her up in his arms and spinning her around. She squeaked and held on for dear life. He put her down and started to sing. "When I saw you at my mate's place, I thought what...is...she...doing...at my mate's place? How did Dave get a hottie like that to a party like this? Good one Dave!" Masako blushed behind her kimono sleeve.
"Mmmm, you're a legend, Dave!" sang Monk.
"Who's Dave?" asked Masako.
"Oh my god. Masako, please get him out of here so that this madness can end!" yelled Ayako. Monk grabbed her and started waltzing her around the living room.
"Come on, John," said Masako, slipping an arm through his to support and escort him. She led him out the door.
"B-but...I wanna sing with Takigawa!" he whined like a little boy. Masako resisted the urge to pinch his cheek.
"You can sing to me on the way to your house, I guess," said Masako. John wasted no time.
"When you're on the street, depending on the street, I bet you are definitely in the top three good looking girls on the street!" he sang. She was about to smile and thank him until he added, "Depending on the street!"
"Gee...thanks," said Masako flatly. As they walked on, she tolerated listening to his drunken tale about a racist dragon.
"...Albi, the raaacist - well, not anymore - draaaagon!" John finished as they walked through the door of his apartment.
"Well, that was...different," said Masako, closing the door. When she turned around John had started dancing again. "John...sit down."
"It's business! It's business tiiime!" John sang in a falsetto voice. Masako blinked at him and then dragged him into the bathroom.
"Here. Wash your face," She instructed, running water for him. Hopefully it would sober him up a little. John splashed water onto his face and then leaned on the sink, staring into the mirror. Masako was almost hopeful until he spoke again.
"We're in the bathroom...brushing our teeth. It's all part of the foreplay. I love foreplay," John recited in a deep voice reminiscent of Barry White. Masako turned a deep shade of red. That deep voice kind of turned her on a little…
"It's business! It's business tiiime!" John sang in falsetto. Masako sighed and left the bathroom. John followed her to his bedroom. She started to turn down his sheets, hoping he would go to bed without much of a fuss and not subject her to any more random songs. She felt hands on her hips from behind and before she knew it, John was making her shake her ass. "A-Chicka-chicka, a-chicka-chicka, a-chicka-chickow-ow-oww!"
"John! What the hell!" She spun out of his grip and then screamed and covered her eyes with her kimono sleeves when she caught sight of him dropping his pants. "Seriously?!"
"You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business that's why they call it business socks!" he sang. Masako snuck a peek and was relieved that he was at least wearing decent boxer shorts and still had his t-shirt on. He took her by surprise by tripping over his pants that were still pooled around his ankles and face planting on the floor.
"John! Are you alright?" Masako exclaimed, rushing to his side and kneeling beside him. He started to pick himself up off the floor and fixed her with a look reminiscent of Honey-sempai about to cry. "Aww! Honey! Are you hurt?"
"Masako," John said pitifully, looking up at her through big blue puppy dog eyes. "I hit my face really hard. Did I trip sensuously over my pants?"
"Um...sure, dear. Very sensuous," Masako lied through her kimono sleeve. John yawned. "Now that's quite enough out of you for one night."
"Business hours are over, baby," said John in his Barry White voice.
"Oh, my," said Masako, turning red behind her sleeve. She helped John up and made him sit on the bed so she could help him untangle his pants from his feet.
"Wait! Masako! Why did you take my pants off?" asked John. Suddenly his eyes grew wide and he cowered back on his bed. "You're...you're going to rape me!"
"What? No, I'm not!" said Masako, tossing his pants in a corner and fixing him with an expression that suggested she thought he was an idiot.
"No? Okay. That's cool, then," said John, suddenly calm. He yawned widely.
"Weirdo," Masako muttered.
"What was that, baby?" asked John in his Barry White voice. Masako stared at him for a long minute just to be sure that John wasn't in fact possessed by Barry White.
"Um..." Masako became flustered all over again.
"Sugar...honey...sweetness...baby...darlin'..." recited John as Barry White. He lay back against his headboard with his arms crossed behind his head, eyeing her with a smirk.
"Stop it!" said Masako, her blush increasing.
"Ooh, yeah, baby," said John as Barry White. "Lay that lovin' on me." Masako couldn't resist anymore.
"Damn you!" she whispered before hopping onto the bed and tackling him. And then they made out until they could make out no more. And may have boinked at some point.
THE END