The ABRIDGED Series of Unfortunate Events

by Trekkie S. Monster

The series didn't need thirteen books, did it? Here is the condensed version for those who are short on time. A parody in two chapters: 1-6 and 7-13.

1. From the Beginning to the Elevator

A/N: Here is the official Abridged Version of A Series of Unfortunate Events! Prepare yourselves. The first six books are here, the next seven are in the next chapter. Drumroll please….

i.

Mr. Poe: Your parents died.

Violet and Klaus: Wah.

Sunny: Ehh?

Mr. Poe: This is your new guardian. Bye!

Count Olaf: I am evil.

Baudelaires: We hate you.

Count Olaf: Work! Now marry me!

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

ii.

Mr. Poe: This is your new guardian.

Monty: Hello! Don't worry, I'm not an easy target. (dies)

Olaf: Mwahaha!

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

iii.

Mr. Poe: This is your new guardian.

Josephine: I'm even less of an easy—(dies)

Olaf: Ha.

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

iv.

Mr. Poe: Now, your new guardian is a mill. That's the toughest target yet.

Olaf (in background) : Hahaha.

Sir: I am a douche.

Charles: I am helpless.

Sir: You work for no pay.

Dr. Orwell: You're getting sleepy… (Klaus gets drowsy)

Violet: Inordinate! (Klaus wakes up)

Orwell: Sleepy!

Violet: Inordinate!

Orwell: Sleepy!

Violet: Inordinate infinity! Ha.

Charles: Phewf.

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

v.

Mr. Poe: This is the safest of all!

Olaf: Hahahahaha.

Nero: (jumps around playing the violin) I'm a douche toooooo!

Carmelita: You'll see me later.

Duncan: We're nice.

Isadora: VFD.

Violet: What?

Isadora: Nothing.

Olaf: I am kidnapping you now!

Baudelaires: Damnit.

Mr. Poe: Whoopsie!

vi.

Mr. Poe: Somehow I think people as guardians were better.

Esmé: Not really.

Mr. Poe: Hmm?

Esmé: Hmm?

Jerome: I'm just as helpless as Charles—but this time, you live in my house.

Baudelaires: Shit.

Esmé: I'm a bitch.

Baudelaires: We can see. But at least you're not helping Olaf.

Doorman (high-pitched voice) : That's right.

Sunny: Oooh! Elevator! (climbs it with her teeth)

Duncan: Heeeey!

Isadora: Good thing you're here, cause Olaf's about to kidnap us again.

Gunther: Hahahaha!

Esmé: Oh yeah, I'm evil.

Baudelaires: No way!

Jerome and Esmé: Yes! An auction!

Lemony: Red herring!

Baudelaires: Aw man.

Mr. Poe: WHOOPSIE!

A/N: Six is the longest because it's my second favorite after Book 12, and my favorite out of these six. More to come! 7-13 are on the way!