It's been almost a year since Gus's death, and I still feel like bawling every time I hear his name. Everything reminds me of him.

A cigarette, a man's crooked smile, a stupid metaphor and suicidal gaming. I doesn't matter no matter how many people comfort me, and how many times I've tried to pray. But for the life of me, I can't.

I sat on the couch that afternoon, watching America's Next Top Model. When I received a call from Isaac. I picked up the landline and did my best robotic voice.

"You've reached the Lancaster resident, we are not currently able to take your call right now, but your call is very important to us. So please leave a message after the beep."

I mustered up a good amount of air into my sucky lungs. "BEEP."

Isaac's voice picked up on the line. "Hazel, I know it's you."

I sighed and chuckled a little. "I'm sorry, I'll have to keep an eye on my robot voice next time, alright?"

Isaac chuckled. Usually when you made a joke about being blind to a blind person you would get the look. But, it had always been what we do and Isaac didn't seem to mind.

And that was a good thing, because I didn't plan on stopping anytime soon.

"So, Hazel." He started. "Do you want to come over to my house and play Prince of Dawn?" He asked.

"Sure! I'll be over there in a bit." I replied, then it went upstairs to change out the already filthy pajama pants and top.

And in about fifteen minutes I had changed into a t-shirt, jeans and my Chuck Taylor's. And also somehow managed to get Phillip down the stairs in less than five.

I went over to the counter then got a pen and a piece of paper then scribbled down a note for my parents.

So they don't send out the SWAT team to come find a eighteen year old girl with cancer playing a video game with her blind friend.

Then, set out to Isaac's house, where I was greeted with almost being caned in the foot.

"Oh, sorry Hazel! You know, you get pretty good with this thing. But sometimes you forget there's other human feet." Issac said.

"It's good to see you, Isaac." I smirked.

"Wow, two in a day already. Keep that up and you'll beat Gus's record." He shut up for second. "Oh, sorry." He said quietly. "Sometimes you forget.."

I nodded. "It's been almost a year since he.."

"Yeah." Isaac replied. "Yeah, it has."

There was a pause of grief that lingered in the air.

"You know what? Change of plans, I think we need to pay that smug bastard a visit!" Isaac exclaimed.

I chuckled. "I guess we do."

"But you're driving." He claimed.

"Of course, as always. Until they invent a car for blind guys, I'm driving."

"Your god damn, right." He replied smugly. "And it's fun to pretend your my chauffeur."

I rolled my eyes.

"I can sense that you just rolled your eyes." He thought aloud. "And I don't need to see to realize that." I laughed a bit as I got in the driver's seat and started the car.

On the way, we talked about a lot of things, like how Monica came crawling back to Isaac and he declined her sorry ass.

And about the impatient wait for the next book of the Prince of Dawn series to come out. And soon we came to an area of land the looked lonely, gloomy and dark.

But on the top of the hill, there seemed to be a glimmer of light.

Isaac and I glanced at each other. Then started up the hill, past all the cracked and crumbling headstones and after a few minutes of struggling to get Phillip up the hill.

We made it. I caught my breath and we sat down beside the grave.

Isaac cleared his throat. "Hey, Gus." He said. "How's it going on the other side? You'll have to send me a postcard sometime." He joked.

"You know, we really miss you man. Nothing's the same without you." He continued. "I really miss your suicidal gaming technique, those school children aren't safe without Augustus Waters."

"And don't forget the blind people jokes." I added in.

"Yeah, you can't forget that." He agreed. "Nobody's been able to beat your record."

Isaac started to get up. "And don't forget your friends over there, though. Got it? No matter how cool hanging out with Elvis Presley while playing ping-pong must be."

Isaac continued down the hill.

"You coming, Hazel?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"Okay, I'll just have my mom come and pick me up." Isaac started to walk down the sidewalk.

I turned back to Gus's headstone and traced the letters on it. Each on symbolizing something.

W for Well meant.

A for Amsterdam.

T for The wish granting factory that never was.

E for Excellent perspective on life.

R for Radiant eyes

And the capital S for something.

I hope Gus found his something with a capital S, because I haven't. A tear streamed down my cheek.

"Hey Gus, I brought you something." I tossed a packet of cigarettes on the grave.

"I swear, you and your stupid metaphors, Gus. They'll be the end of me and my wallet." I giggled through my tears. "It's not fair, that you had to die." I whispered. "It's not fair!" I kicked a pebble down the hill. "I should've died not you!"

"Eighty percent chance that'd you'd live! And what happened? You ended up in the other twenty percent!" I saw the tears landing on the soft soil. "I should've died! Not you! You deserved to live! You had your whole life ahead of you! Now it's gone, out the window."

"And for what? For me? I don't think I'm that worth it, Gus." I sat crossed legged with my arm around the headstone. "I don't think I am."

Then I noticed something folded behind the tombstone, it must have been left recently because it had barely any dirt on it. I picked it up and it was an envelope. It said

"Hazel Grace Lancaster." I unsealed it and started reading

"Dear Hazel Grace,

By the time you get this, I've probably you know... Went somewhere over the rainbow, if you know what I mean. If my parents remembered, they probably have delivered this on the year after well, you get the picture. So I know your thinking that you should've died over me. But that's not true, Hazel Grace. I lived my life. It was a good seventeen years Hazel Grace and I was glad to spend the last part of it with you. And now, you need to find your something with a capital S and one day, when the time comes. I'll be happy to hear that you lived your life in person. Because Hazel Grace, it was a privilege to have my heart broken by you.

- Gus."

The letter was slightly damp with my tears. "Gus, the real privilege was to have my heart mended by you."