Remus threaded his hands deeper into Sirius' hair, moans filling the air as the two marauderers tumbled into the dormitory, clothes being shed rapidly as they fought their way to the bed. Laughing, Remus pushed Sirius backwards onto the bed playfully, surprised when Sirius let out a cry of pain.
"Shit! Ow..." Sirius moaned, rolling over.
"You okay love?" Remus asked, rushing round the bed to kneel aside Sirius, touching his lover on the small of the back, where the pain seemed to be centered. Sirius nodded, rubbing his back ruefully.
"Well, I guess that's the romantic mood ruined..."
"Just a little." Remus smirked, looking across the bed. "Oh, shit. You must have landed on that frame. Sorry, Pads, I don't usually leave anything on my bed, I didn't realise..." Padfoot picked up the framed document, eyes scanning it rapidly.
"Believe it or not, Moons, I think we have a large, deer-like creature to thank for this." Sirius stated, before beginning to read aloud.
"FAO Mssrs Moony & Padfoot.
"This morning, I, the Maraudering ringleader, called for a meeting of the marauders that were not engaged in fucking one another's brains out. After the standard discussion about the beauty of Miss L. Evans, the topic turned to the recently formed courtship between Mssr. Moony and Mssr. Padfoot.
"Whilst both Mssr. Prongs and Mssr Wormtail are in agreement that the relationship is satisfactory, there is no denying that group dynamics will change dramatically. In order to make this transitionary period easier for everyone involved, a list of prerequisite guidelines have been created to aid Right Hon. Mssrs Moony and Padfoot in ensuring their fornication meets the standards required by Mssrs Prongs and Wormtail.
"To clarify, this is not because you are homosexual. I intend to put into place many of the same rules should Wormtail ever choose a nice little mouse to procreate with. The difference is that you two live in the same room, and thus think that it is appropriate to fornicate whenever, wherever and however you please, without taking into consideration poor Wormtail. Next time you choose to fornicate, please, think of poor Wormtail. This will, if nothing else, terminate any sexual activity that is occurring.
"So long as the following rules are adhered to, the status quo of the Magical Maraudering Men's Room (aka Dorm 14, Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts, Scotland) can be maintained.
1. No kissing in front of Lily, unless Mssr Prongs is around (apparently Lily believes I am more appealing when I'm telling her how much I agree with your relationship. However, I do not want you two 'putting on a show' for her. Lord knows she's already got eyes for Remus...)
2. You will ensure that all fornication occurs in your *own* beds, and not upon the beds of Mssr Prongs/Wormtail, the floor, nor in the kitchens. The poor House Elves were traumatised.
3. A minimum of 3 silencing spells, 4 locking spells, and 1 spell to ensure the curtains are completely obscure must be performed before any type of sexual activity occurs (because that sexual shadow show Wormtail and I were exposed to will require years of therapy to correct).
4. Do not expect Mssr Prongs to bandage up any injuries that were obtained during sexual activity. Do not ever describe to Mssr Prongs how said injury was obtained in graphic detail (for more details, see rule #14).
5. Please (and this applies to both of you, do not pretend to be innocent of this, Mssr Moony) do not stroke each other's chests when walking round the dormitory topless. I know you both think you're 'very subtle', but I've met Hippogryffs with bells on that are more subtle than you two.
6. Cease and desist from the garish nicknames. You are neither 'love' nor 'honey', 'darling' nor 'sweetheart'. You are Remus Lupin and Sirius Black (Moony and Padfoot, if you prefer). If you intend to spend the rest of your lives together, I suggest you learn each others' given names.
7. If word gets through that you've been engaging in bestiality (and no, Remus, for 28 days of the month this does NOT include you), then I will tie you both up (in an entirely non-kinky way) and leave you in separate rooms for the rest of the year. We are marauders. We have a reputation to uphold.
8. Speaking of reputations, since you have decided not to inform the majority of the Hogwarts population of your relationship, may Mssr Prongs suggest you each find a fake girlfriend, or 'Beard', in order to keep girls away from you both. Mssr Prongs would be appalled to have you both seen turning down women, after all. Mssr Moony, you may have Miss L. Evans, as you are officially deemed 'safe'. Padfoot, you may have... Helena Flawkeen. Lily's friend. She wears vegan shoes, therefore she must appreciate the gay community.
9. Please, for the love of Merlin, stop punching people when they so much look at Moony, Mssr Padfoot. It is not only highly inconvenient, but also occasionally dangerous (ex. punching during the Hufflepuff v Gryffindor game. We almost lost because of that, and then I would have had to have killed you. Sorry. That's how it works.).
10. Mssr Prongs does not want to find any whips, chains, dildos or anal plugs in his trunk. Why you chose to hide them there, I do not know, nor do I ever want to know. However, if it occurs again, they're all getting covered in the hottest chili oil I can find, and then we'll see who's having fun.
11. Never, for any reason, sleep in the common room naked again. Do you know how many times that week Mssrs Prongs and Wormtail were asked if there was any chance you two might be willing to allow another person into your bed by the Gryffindor girls (and one or two guys)?!
12. If you do decide to invite another into your boudoir, it better not be a bloody Slytherin. I'll never forgive you if I find Malfoy/Crabbe/Parkinson or (god forbid) Snivellius in your bed. Then again, if Snivelly was in your bed, I'd assume that he'd drugged you with his superior creepy potions knowledge, thus taking the responsibility away from you two. I'd just have to kill him instead. And then I'd go to Azkaban. See how many lives this would ruin? Snape would be dead (not that much of a loss to the world...) I'd be in Azkaban, Lily would be devastated and you two would have to live with the fact you slept with Snape.
13. If, after a full moon, Mssr Moony is well enough to fornicate with you in the shack, send both your fellow marauders and Mme Pomfrey a note, so that neither party worries enough about Mssr Moony's health to go down to the shack to check on him.
14. Neither Mssr Wormtail nor Mssr Prongs WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR 'FREE TIME'. The aforementioned do not want to know that Remus Lupin has a peachy bum, nor that he gives, and I believe this is verbatim, "the best blowjobs in the history of time. Seriously, Prongs, if I die during one of those moments, I will die the happiest man on Earth." Especially as I am sure that, when the time comes, Lily will give me better blow jobs than Moony could ever give you.
15. Never, EVER, invite any strictly heterosexual marauder into your bed for a ménage á trois, Mssr Moony. I know you 'claimed' that it was a joke, but I understand how hard it must be to resist my sexy body, and I appreciate both your attempts at hiding your obvious lust for me. (And Wormtail too, I suppose.)
16. Try not to 'look' at each other too much. I know, a hard task indeed. However, I am not against you two 'looking' at one another, but rather 'the look' that goes between you occasionally which practically screams 'I'm going to fuck you tonight'. I don't care if its true (see Rule #14) but I do not want to see it.
17. Don't argue. You're the third- and fourth-best students in the school (after Mssr Prongs and Lily, of course) and when you both get angry, sparks tend to fly (physically, not metaphorically). The arguments are already rare, but eliminating them entirely would be best for everyone involved (and it would also mean that I don't have to hear about how fantastic make-up sex is. Though I should never hear about it again should rule #14 be adhered to.)
18. No sex when there's any chance Mssr Prongs or Mssr Wormtail might be in the vicinity of the dormitory, as, despite the precautions detailed in rule #3, we do not particularly want to know when you are having sex, as it makes us feel sorry for poor Remus.
19. Scrap that. No sex in the dormitory. Go to the Room of Requirement if you're in need of a hearty shag.
20. In fact, no sex at all. Padfoot, you are ruining all of Remus Lupin's innocence and virginal qualities by screwing his brains out on a nightly basis (or perhaps Remus is screwing your brains out, but in accordance with rule #14, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW), which is detrimental to society as it is best that at least one marauder maintains a somewhat virginal aura (excluding Wormtail, who may possibly remain a virgin till the day he doth perish, and thus does not count). You may hold his hand, embrace him (for no longer than 5 seconds) or kiss him on the cheek, but all other intimacies are henceforth forbidden. Good day to you both.
Yours Sincerely,
Right Honorable Esq. Lord James Harold Potter
p.s. please don't touch my teddy bear after you two have had sex. I asked Prongs to put it in the main list, but apparently that made the number of items uneven, and you know how he gets. He has changed his mind again, by the way. You're not allowed to have sex, but, so long as he does not have to know about it (see Rule #14) he says you can engage in similar sexual activities. Sorry about this, it wasn't my idea. I just don't want Hector to get naughty stuff on him. We both like you as a couple still (but not 'like' in a sexual way. 'Like' as in we think its about bloody time you got together anyway.) P."
The room fell silent for a moment as Sirius finished, before both boys burst into laughter.
"You keep your sex toys in James' trunk?" Remus exclaimed, looking at his boyfriend incredulously.
"Well, I have to keep them somewhere..." Sirius trailed off, the tips of his ears a deep pink. "Never mind that, I agree with rule #1, Lily keeps staring at your arse, and that arse belongs to me!"
"You've ruined all my virginal qualities with talk like that, Mr Black!" Remus rolled his eyes, smiling at Sirius.
"Your virginal qualities?" Sirius scoffed, raising his brows at Remus. "What virginal qualities? I seem to remember that you, Mr Lupin, were the first Marauder to lose said virginity."
"Yeah, well, don't let it get around. We marauders have a reputation to uphold, apparently." Remus smiled lightly, taking the framed parchment into his hands. "A reputation that would be ruined by bestiality, according to James. Why would he even think we were considering bestiality?"
"Er, I may have mentioned it one night..."
"Sirius!"
"Hey, don't get mad at me! You're the one that invited James into our bed for a menage a tois!"
"It was a joke." Remus huffed, crossing his arms in annoyance. "I think this breaks rule #17. We're verging on an argument about bestiality and threesomes."
"Threesomes are overrated." Sirius stated, smiling when Remus raised an eyebrow. "What? I don't want to have to share you. You're all mine."
"Aren't you sweet." Remus rolled his eyes sarcastically, before gazing deep into Sirius' eyes and leaning back onto the pillows. The room fell silent for a moment, as the two of them stared shamelessly.
"You know, I think this might be the look Prongs was talking about in rule #16, because I don't know about you, but I'm definitely thinking 'I'm going to fuck you tonight'."
"You're going to fuck me?" Remus laughed. "Well, that'll make a change..."
"Git." Sirius muttered with a grin, rolling round to sit alongside Remus, propped up on the pillows. Picking Remus' hand out of his lap, Sirius aligned their fingers for a moment, before entwining their hands and bringing the scarred hand to his lips.
"You're a sappy sod today." Remus commented, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on Sirius' lips. "My sappy sod."
"If being a sod puts me on the path to sodomy, then I am more than happy to admit to it." Sirius grinned, pulling Remus towards him.
"Well, we have some new guidelines to follow during our sodomous exchanges. We probably should stick to at least some of them, James is right, our newfound homosexuality change..." Remus stated, undoing the first button on Sirius' shirt.
"I am completely willing to do that." Remus blinked, not expecting that answer. With an evil grin, Sirius leant forwards conspiratorially, wrapping both his arms tightly around Remus and placing a light kiss on Remus' lips before he continued. "After all, I see some loopholes already. For example, my fair Moony, Peter only mentioned not touching Hector after sex. He said nothing about not using him during...."
Ta daaah! Not my best, but I could not get it out of my head. I've just moved to spain, so sorry for infrequent updates. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.