This was the fight. Honestly, it was the mother of all fights. They're was no room for compromising. He wasn't backing down and neither was she. It was an all-night battle of the wills.
"I'm simply saying, I'm staying." He was rendered speechless at her admission. She wasn't leaving. Seattle was her home. Her life was here, her work, her family lived here and she was digging in her heels. She wasn't going to become her father or her mother. But, if she were being completely honest with herself, she wasn't sure her marriage would survive this.
The silence between them was broken by Bailey, who was crying over the baby monitor. "Great," Meredith said and looked upstairs, finally breaking eye contact with her husband. "You woke him up," she spat angrily, as she turned away from him.
Derek glared at her intensely and gritted his teeth, "This isn't over yet."
Meredith ignored him and quietly rushed upstairs, hoping Zola would still be asleep. Given that Zola had slept through their screaming match, she knew her daughter might still be sleeping. She slowly opened the door to Bailey's room and went over to his crib, where he was standing up holding the wooden bars for support. The second he saw his mother, he stopped crying and the tears abated. "Hey buddy," she said soothingly, picking him up. He felt sturdier in her arms and for a minute studied him. His baby features were dissipating before her eyes. At ten months old, he was more of a toddler than a baby. Most of the time, she could see a little of herself in his features, but tonight all she could see was Derek. She shifted him on her hip, walked across the hall and opened the door of her bedroom to find Derek sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. He looked completely and utterly spent.
She didn't expect to see him in there. Honestly, she thought he'd decide to spend the night on the couch.
"Hi," he said softly, looking up.
It was an olive branch and she decided that she would take it even though she was royally pissed at him. Maybe they could call a time-out and just stop fighting for a minute.
Of all the days for Cristina to leave, she thought with a sigh. "Let's just put this on pause, Derek. We can fight more in the morning," she sputtered tiredly walking over to her side of the bed. She gently put Bailey in the middle of the bed and walked over to her dresser and grabbed her pajama's out of the top drawer. She barely had enough energy to make it to the bathroom and brush her teeth, as thoughts of what she found out today swirled around in her brain. She was on auto-pilot as she changed, brushed her teeth and washed her face. The menial tasks seemed overwhelming with so much on her mind. She took one last look at herself and walked back into her room.
Bailey was softly snoring, his butt up in the air and his fist was curled under his cheek. She was tempted to move him back into his crib, but she knew there was a real strong possibility of him waking up and the last thing she wanted to deal with was a cranky tired baby. She gently slid under the covers, careful not to disturb her son, and turned off the light on her nightstand. Derek looked at her, waiting for her to say something, before shutting his light off. After a minute of absolute silence, she turned to face her husband. He was looking at her expectantly.
"Cristina's really gone. And I can't fight with you because I can't tell her about what an ass you're being," she whispered, feeling braver in the dark. Derek was quiet, as she continued. "I lost my person today." She paused mentally tallying her losses. Each one just as painful as the next.
Ellis. George. Izzie. A miscarriage. Lexie. Mark. Cristina.
"Lexie, my sister, is buried here. Who is going to take care of her grave if we go? What about Alex? And Zola would leave Sofia behind and they're best friends. I don't want to be responsible for our daughter losing her best friend, " she added as tears pricked her eyes. "We wouldn't know anyone," she continued wiping away a stray tear. "Our children would be in daycare with strangers. You do realize that we can't have it all, as much as we try. You know, every time I'm in the OR my thoughts are on Bailey and Zola and what potential milestones I'm missing. I guarantee you Bailey is going to take his first steps in daycare. You've seen him, holding on and propping himself up on the coffee table…" She trailed off and looked at Bailey. "He's not a infant anymore, Derek," she reminded him tracing the outline of his cheek.
"Meredith, you're a great mother. Anyone with two eyes can see that," he reassured her. "It's not like we won't have help if we go. My mom is three hours away and she would be happy to help us out," he added pulling the East Coast family card.
Meredith sighed. "That's not the point."
"Then spell it out for me, Meredith, because I can't read your mind..."
Meredith sat up. "Fine, Derek, you want to know, why I'm an emotional basket case?" The confession was on the tip of her tongue. Screw it. "I'm pregnant," she blurted. "And my best friends gone and as if that isn't enough you want to move us to D.C so that you can work for the president."
Derek's jaw dropped. "Wait, what?"
Meredith nodded. "Yeah, so much for a hostile uterus," she whispered, as Bailey stirred interrupting the moment.
Derek just stared at her as a grin broke out on his face, identical to the one when she told him about Bailey. "When did you find out?" Derek whispered. "How far along are you?"
"This morning. I saw Dr. Ryan and I'm five weeks."
"So we're really having another baby?" he asked excitedly. "I'd kiss you but there's a baby in the bed."
"How do you think a baby got in the bed?" she teased as the mood lightened. "I wanted to tell you differently, but since you completely forced the information out of me-"
Meredith was silenced by a soft kiss on her lips. He pressed his forehead against hers and looked at her with adoration. It was their look and for a moment, nothing seemed to matter. Life had a way of interfering with their relationship. Between work, kids and the commuting there was a huge strain on their marriage.
"Did you ever think that six years ago we'd end up here?" she asked tentatively.
"Eventually, I knew we would," he smirked. "You just happen to take forever to make up your mind," he pointed out.
"But how did you know?" she questioned really needing to understand. "Because for a while there, all we did was break-up and make-up."
"Aw the slutty intern days," Derek said reminiscing.
Meredith playfully slapped him on the shoulder. "You said earlier,that I'll always think of you as the intern, but we're partners. Equals. At least, that's how I see you," he finished with a small smile, lost in memories.
Meredith was quiet as his confession sunk in. "Why didn't you ask me to move? You just assumed I'd go."
"Your friends are moving on. We're moving on. I just figured you'd be on board. Plus, you don't turn down a job offer from President Grant."
"I can't believe you voted for him, Derek," she sighed. "He's a Republican."
Derek laughed softly, unfortunately startling Bailey whose eyes blinked open and stared into his father's.
"Crap," she said quietly picking him up and laid him on her chest. "He's fine. He'll fall back asleep in a minute," she predicted as she rubbed his back in small circles, instantly soothing him to sleep. "But haven't you learned anything, in the past eight years? You shouldn't assume anything about me," she whispered as Bailey's chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm.
"You're right," Derek whispered. His admission was music to her ears, that's all she needed to hear.
Meredith raised an eyebrow. "If there wasn't a sleeping child on top of me, I'm sure we'd be celebrating this," she said raising her eyebrow. I could put him back in his crib. We could then... "
Derek knew exactly what she was saying, and gently picked up Bailey.
True to his word he returned less than a minute later locking the door behind him.
"MAMA!" their children cried in unison.
"They synchronized their cries this morning," Derek mumbled as Meredith grabbed her robe from off the floor. "I'll get Zo. You grab Bailey?"
"Deal," Derek said pulling on his boxers, as she made a beeline upstairs and towards her daughter's room.
"Morning Zo," she said as she got the toddler out of her bed. "Did you sleep okay?"
Zola nodded and slowly woke up.
"Maybe Aunt Amy will have some waffles for us downstairs," she added thinking out loud as her stomach grumbled.
"Waffles!" Zo repeated happily, a little too loud for the early morning. Clearly, she got her morning habits from Derek.
"Seriously though, we have to be quick today, we got to beat daddy and Bailey downstairs."
"We can beat them," she said grinning her as Meredith tried to pull her t-shirt over her head.
"I think I have it easier than daddy but that's only because you're such a big girl now," she said sadly.
"I'm a big girl," Zola pointed at herself.
"Yeah you are kiddo,"she agreed as she said put on Zola's jeans and tee-shirt marveling at how tiny toddler clothes actually were.
She picked up Zola and rushed into the kitchen to find Amelia at the stove. Bailey was already sitting in his high chair munching on some pancakes. "Damn it," she swore quietly.
She turned toward the table where Derek was sipping his coffee and doing the crossword. He had a sly smile on his lips, and was completely absorbed in the paper.
"Mama you said Damn it," Zola repeated, giggling. Zola had a new habit of repeating everything, and it was really, really annoying.
Derek shot Meredith a look. "Good job, Mer," he said taking another sip of coffee.
Amelia snickered from the stove and turned toward Derek. The spatula was in her hand, and she pointed it directly at Derek. "You're lucky Meredith wasn't swearing at you last night, big brother."
Meredith chuckled.
"Your argument was hard to miss" she continued turning back to the stove. "Besides I heard the part where you were being a complete jerk," she added narrowing her eyes at her brother.
"See," Meredith began as she situated Zola in her high chair. "This is why I like your sister more than you. She gets it."
"Oh believe me, I know how much of an A-S-S he can be," Amelia scoffed putting a plate of pancakes on the island. "And relocating to D.C without asking you, is definitely an a-s-s move."
"She cooks and agrees with me," she said looking at Amelia. "I like her more than you."
Derek just rolled his eyes in response. He really like's you," Meredith observed watching Amelia and Bailey interact, "which is nice, because he's really picky."
"Mom said Derek was the same way," Amelia said looking from Bailey to Derek. "Speaking of Mom," she said changing the subject, she wants to come out to Seattle. She hasn't met Zola or Bailey and she's still pissed about all those Christmases you've missed..."
Derek shook his head. "Mom, knows we're busy. But honestly, when was the last time you went to New York for Christmas?" He asked knowing she had the same answer he did.
Amelia glared at him ignoring his question. "Derek, she's raised five doctors. She knows we're busy," Amelia pointed out.
"I think it is a good idea," Meredith added surprising Derek and Amelia.
"You do?" They both asked, simultaneously knowing her giant glaring issues with family.
"It might be nice," she replied with a shrug, wondering why this suggestion was so ludicrous.
Amelia stared at Meredith. "Are you sure? I mean, my mom can be well..." she trailed off and looked at Derek.
"A bit much," he finished, with a sigh. As much as Derek loved his mother, he knew she'd give him a wicked guilt trip.
"Why is this so shocking?" Meredith asked, perplexed. They were looking at her as if she was pouring cyanide in her coffee instead of cream.
"Are you sure you should be drinking that?" Derek asked, looking at the mug of coffee in her thin hands.
"It's coffee, Derek, not tequila," Amelia answered for her sister-in-law as Derek and Meredith shared a glance that didn't go unnoticed. "Wait, unless... Are you pregnant?" she asked as her eyes widened in realization.
"No," she denied cutting Zola's pancakes.
"Come on," Amy pressed, "I won't tell anyone. It makes sense, though-" she studied Derek. If anyone would crack, it would be him. "Derek?"
Derek put down his puzzle and looked at Meredith who gave him a nod. "Fine. She's pregnant," he said putting the newspaper down.
"Oh is so exciting!" Amelia jumped up and hugged Meredith and then her brother.
"I'm only five weeks, and it's early. So..."
"I won't say a word," Amelia promised. "Mom's going to be so happy… Wow, another Shepherd."
"I don't know if you know this but the hospital-"
"Is like a breeding ground for gossip. I know. I won't say anything."
"Speaking of the hospital, don't you have my surgeries?" Derek asked looking at the clock.
"Yeah, but they can't start without me," Amelia said sarcastically. "I'm leaving now."
She gave Bailey and Zola a kiss and headed out the door leaving Derek and Meredith with two their very dirty children.
"She makes breakfast and then leaves before they have to be cleaned up," Derek said with a sigh.
"It's convenient," Meredith added watching Zola give her pancake a bath in the thick sugary liquid. "She's going to need a bath," she added looking at Zola who had syrup all over her.
"Definitely."
Derek walked over and undid her chair. He picked her up and propped her on his hip. "We haven't spent much time together lately, huh Zo?" He said as she wiped her face on his shirt. "Zo, this is a new shirt," he grimaced looking down at the sticky brown stain. "Next time ask mommy for a napkin."
Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "Derek, she's four, that's what they do."
"Yeah well, still," he quipped looking at Zola. "Come on Zo, let's go get you all cleaned up."
"Don't forget, I have a surgery today Derek!" Meredith called as they headed upstairs. She looked at Bailey who was happily splashing in his pureed vegetables. "Glad you're having fun," she said as the her iPad went off alerting her to a face time call. She walked over to the counter and saw that it was Cristina.
"Miss me already?" she teased as soon as Cristina's face appeared on the screen.
"I'm still on Seattle time. Besides I don't sleep and I wanted to give you a tour of my office."
"Isn't it weird that you're in Burke's old office?" she asked curiously.
"No," Cristina rolled her eyes as she showed her the sign outside her office: Cristina Yang, M.D, PhD, Director of Cardio-thoracic Surgery.
"Very official... and long," she said setting her iPad on the stand while keeping an eye on Bailey. "I'm really proud of you, Cristina."
"You've gone soft, Mer."
"I guess the hormones kicked in or something, " Meredith said smiling as Cristina realized what she had just admitted.
"No way? When did you find out? And so much for hostile uterus. McDreamy as super sperm or something."
"I found out yesterday morning and I was going to tell you but then the mall thing happened and you wouldn't get on that plane."
"I need you to check Link," she said seriously, changing the subject.
"Of course. I was obviously going to keep you updated," Meredith said rolling her eyes.
"Great. And just so you're not surprised at the next board meeting… I gave Alex my hospital shares."
"Seriously?"
She looked over at Bailey who was starting to whine from his high chair. "I've got to grab Bailey," she said quickly getting out of the screen.
"Evil Spawn needed an incentive to stay at the hospital," Cristina continued as Meredith picked Bailey out of his high chair, quickly wiped his hands and positioned him on her lap.
"My god, isn't he like twelve now?" she snickered.
Meredith repositioned Bailey on her lap so that facing the screen. "Ti Ti!" he exclaimed pointing to Cristina.
"Kid, you're the only person in the world other than Zo and Sof whose allowed to call me that. Wait, did you tell him about DC?"
"We had a really nasty fight last night. Derek accused me of making him choose between his kids and his career. It was like I gave him an ultimatum."
"Ouch," she said surprised. Cristina was familiar with ultimatums. "How did you fix it?"
"It's not completely fixed yet... but telling him about the baby definitely gave him some perspective. It's kind of like a band-aid right now," she admitted.
"Band-aid's don't always hold, Meredith" Cristina reminded her. "Speaking of babies, where's Zola?"
"Oh," Meredith began as she adjusted Bailey onto her other knee and gave him a spoon to play with. "She's with Derek in the bath because she wiped her sticky syrup face on his shirt."
Cristina snickered. "Remind me to get her whatever she wants the next time I'm in Seattle. What about Amelia? Is she still at the dream house?"
"Amelia is staying in Seattle. She loves it here. Plus she cooks, my kids love her, and she agrees with me when Derek's being an ass."
"What Shane?" she barked.
"It's okay, go if you need to."
"Yeah, I've got admin responsibilities."
"Go," Meredith held Bailey's hand up and waved. "We'll talk later."
"Bye, Bailey. See ya, Meredith," she added before hanging up.
Meredith looked down at Bailey who was still entertaining himself with a spoon. "Alright buddy, I'm bringing you upstairs because you need a bath too."She picked him up and he spit up on her. "Great. I'm gonna need a shower too," she said with a sigh. Once upon a time the thought of kids, spit up and diapers scared her. Now, it was just another day.
"Derek!" she called heading up stairs. "Save the water. Bailey needs a bath too."
"Alright, we can put him in the tub with Zola."
She slowly opened the door to the bathroom and saw Derek crouched at the edge of the tub with a rubber duck on his head.
"Cute look," she murmured passing Bailey off. "I need a shower, and I'm probably going to be late for surgery."
She looked at Zola who was covered in bubbles and gave her a quick kiss on her head. "See you later love bug." She walked out of the kids bathroom and padded into her own. The only one in the house without rubber ducks. After turning on the water, she went over to the full-length mirror. There were obvious changes to her body that she didn't even notice before most obvious was definitely her boobs. They were at least a cup size bigger than normal. Derek was going to love that, she thought, resting her hand on her stomach absentmindedly. Her stomach definitely felt harder and more pronounced, as looked down at a small curve, and for a moment, she had hope. Everything was going to be okay, she could feel it.