Title: Anyone There?
Author: CharmedWorld/Helene
Rating: K
Spoilers: During "Moving On"
Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing
Summary: Will I ever get a life?
The apartment sent shivers down her spine, caused goose bumps to pop up all over her body; it was cold as hell. The whole thing - not just the weather. It was empty; without soul and it just screamed to heaven and to her heart. It hurt a lot to witness such a life. Indifferent and forgotten, left alone in the dark with absolutely no way of rising from her fall; no hand was there to pull her up, no one to lean on – just a lot of disappointments and defeats.
It was almost unbearable to look at, to touch. With every single touch, every single step she took it felt as though she was in a world that wasn't real – as though it was all an illusion.
Samantha wondered how someone could live like that and then she had to laugh; she knew how! She had been that way herself and still tended to sometimes. When ever the world became too much for her, Samantha tended to close off and lock her door from with in.
Even though she knew it wasn't supposed to be that way she couldn't help it – it hurt too much. It hurt as realization almost always did.
Lianna reminded Samantha of herself in many ways; Lianna's job was her life; her apartment her broken castle. It all matched and by God she hated to face it.
Walking through the apartment, picking up things and studying what could be Lianna's shadow most of the day, was bad enough.
Throughout the entire day, she'd had this tight knot in her stomach that she just couldn't get rid of and as the day wore on without them getting anywhere – or so it felt anyway – the knot tightened, the pain increased. The pictures just refused to leave her mind, the impression stuck with her and refused to leave her alone. It haunted her.
"Looks like another smart woman who's dumb about men" Vivian's voice interrupted her thoughts and it surprised Samantha how calm that woman always seemed to be. How the hell did she do it?! Samantha felt like a fire was burning inside her, a desperate wish to find this poor lonely woman alive.
"It's amazing how many of those exist" she a small smile on her face as she looked up from the papers in front of her and faced Viv who sat at the same table, going through her own stack of papers, chuckling softly.
Out of her eye, Samantha caught Martin, walking up to them and turned towards him immediately, feeling her heart pound even harder in her chest; "Did you locate the boyfriend yet?"
"Nope, not yet," he let out a light sigh; they were all tired, "The DMV address isn't current, and the
Landlord didn't have a forwarding. But she said he works construction, and got me in touch with his last employer. Turns out Jesse have a bad habit of squatting at job sites."
He looked as beat as she felt but she couldn't give up jus yet. Samantha felt as though they were looking for the answer and it was right in front of them – they just couldn't see it;
"Did they say anything about his temper?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, he was fired from that last job for beating the crap out of his foreman. He put the guy in the hospital"
"Looks like we know why Lianna bought a gun" – it was true but it didn't make sense to Samantha. For some reason it was too easy and though she knew Viv had good reasons to say that, Samantha just didn't feel it right.
And of course Martin had to notice – he always did.
"What? You're not buying it?"
Samantha shook her head lightly, searching for an answer, her mind racing and she felt as though just a bit of that pain was leaking out though she was doing everything she could to hide it. But as so many times earlier that very same day, she couldn't stop the emotions from controlling her, deciding the words for her;
"I just can't get that image of her crying out of my head. I mean ... you guys should have seen her apartment. It was ... it was cold, you know; impersonal, lonely ..." Samantha honestly felt as though she was rambling.
"You think its suicide?" Martin asked softly, giving her a warm look, causing Samantha to exhale again and turn her eyes away from him. She couldn't handle compassion right now – well any feelings at all really.
"Come on, this woman didn't kill herself over some guy. And besides, it looks as if it was her that did the breaking up" Vivian's voice held something final. The firmness and disbelief in her voice and eyes had Samantha think harder; try and find an end to all her thoughts and to the mess in her mind and heart.
"Well, I did some research. It turns out that female doctors are twice as likely to take their own lives as women in the general population. They say it's because medicine attracts perfectionists."
"And perfection can't ever be attained" Martin finished her sentence, nodding but instead of calming her down as it usually would, it had her loose control completely; mind in overdrive, emotions running too high to cooperate with the brain and her logical senses.
"Lianna was number one in her med school class. She won The Anderson Fellowship, The Sterling Prize. She's been published in JAMA, The New England Journal of Medicine, I mean, her resume goes on and on and on and on and her private life, nothing, you know..."
Samantha had thrown her pencil and her papers down in front of her and Martin could sense her agitation grow; panic rising from within.
He decided to interrupt but Vivian got on first and stopped her by placing a light hand on her arm, speaking calmingly; "Okay ... all right. I'll double-check the morgues and see if they've brought in any Jane Does with self-inflicted wounds."
Samantha fidgeted her hands nervously and Martin noticed her paying extra attention to the third finger on her left hand as if she was rubbing a wedding band that wasn't there. He frowned and exchanged at worried look with Viv as Samantha quietly said "thank you".
With one last reassuring smile, Vivian got out of her chair and walked towards Jack's office, needing to fill him in.
Samantha sighed heavily, leaning forwards as she rested her head in her hands, eyes closing obviously convinced that he had gone with Viv. Samantha wasn't the woman to just give her feelings away like this and it honestly worried Martin to see her like this. He wasn't used to it and he could feel his heart ache at the sight of her miserable form sitting alone.
Without really thinking, he grabbed her arm gently, giving it a light squeeze. She looked up immediately; obviously shocked from his sudden movement. Clearly she wasn't expecting that and not from him.
Eyes met and suddenly the world around them just disappeared. Blue irises staring into hazel ones, meeting fear, meeting pain.
"Come on, get up – I want to talk to you for a minute" He whispered softly, pulling her to stand up beside him. He had seen enough of this – it was time to act.
"Martin I'm fine really" her protest was weak and he just smiled at her, shaking his head, having a feeling she would do this; "It won't take long" he pulled her arm a bit harder, though keeping a smile on his face and a soft look in his eyes.
"Martin don't – I'm fine really besides I need to go home for a change of clothes and a shower - I really don't want to…"
"I'll drive you home, just – I want to talk to you" He had no intentions of letting her talk her way out of this.
"Martin," She sighed, meeting his eyes once again; "okay, come along then"
He smiled and placed a light hand on her back, walking her out of there – there was no way he was going to let her suffer unnecessarily.
And seeing her this way; obviously in pain though not willing to admit it or deal with it by herself – it had him worry about her. It made him want to take her into his arms and just hold her tight. Martin wanted to make her pain go away – even if it meant take it on his own shoulders.
They drove to her place in silence – his hands on the steering wheel, hers in her lap – trying to find the calmness that didn't exist within.
Sometimes Martin hated his ability to read the signs – sometimes he hated that he was able to read people this easy. He wasn't even sure she liked that about him. Samantha was a kind of person who kept this stuff to herself, just as she keep her past to herself; hidden and buried deep inside her heart and by God did he hate that things were this way with them?!
He just wanted to kiss her, tell her things were going to be just fine and that she shouldn't worry at all. He knew she would worry – no matter what he said.
Samantha was that kind of person; always worried, always concerned of others and hardly ever aware of her own feelings as strange as it might sound.
It was true though; only on rare occasions had he seen her admit to be feeling anything herself. Usually she would worry sick about others and set their needs first. She would even put her own life on the line for another, completely unfamiliar, person.
Martin admired that, he honestly did and he wished deep down that he could just take her in his arms and hold her tight, tell her that everything was going to be alright.
But she wasn't his and holding her, kissing her – was only something he could do if he knew for sure that she belonged to him. He was scared that if he did any of those things without her exquisite permission she would push him away.
Fumbling with her keys, sighing heavily, he could tell she was nervous as hell – something he just didn't understand. She had no reason to at all. It wasn't like he was going to hit her or rape her or something. He would never do something like that – never.
Martin actually cared about this woman and he wanted to show her, wanted to let her know that he had something he could share with her. He felt something for her; something deep and soft that touched his heart.
He could definitely see something with this woman somewhere in the future. That was if she wanted to as well but he knew he sure wanted to try something.
But did she want the same? That question had been bugging him for weeks, months really and he hated that he didn't have the courage to ask her directly – not yet anyway.
So Martin did what he knew best; insisted on being there for her when he could see her need for a friend.
"You want something to drink?" She asked, her voice shaking lightly as she hung his coat up and turned to walk into the kitchen, though instantly stopping when she felt his warm hand on her arm.
"Samantha" and though his voice was soft she felt as though it shattered glass inside of her, causing her pain and she froze up.
Her eyes were nailed to the floor; her entire body was numb except from the spot on her arm where his hand lingered.
The silence was suffocating and Samantha felt as though her breath was caught in her throat, her mind refusing to function.
His hand felt warm on her skin, the power emitting from him was so overwhelming it made her give in though she still fought not to. For some reason Samantha had trouble letting go.
She wanted to though – badly and she knew it was coming slowly. It just needed time to resurface.
Before she knew it, she heard him sigh as he removed his hand from her arm and she instantly gazed up at him, scared to death. – Had she scared him away? Didn't he have the patience to wait for her to open up? Martin of all people should know it took her time to open up.
Her heart filled with disappointment and grief, she was about to back away from him when she was surprised to find his hand on her face, cupping her cheek softly.
Samantha was confused beyond belief and gave him a questioning look but he only smiled and shook his head before placing a hand on her hip, pulling her to him, his arms wrapping around her.
It took her a few seconds to actually relax in his arms, finding comfort in this rather unexpected yet really soothing embrace.
And it felt good; she had to admit it - at least to herself. He had that something about him that made her relax and trust him.
Honestly she couldn't believe that he was here with her, holding her in his arms, rocking them both gently back and forth. Samantha couldn't believe someone actually cared about her and wanted to be there for her when she was down.
I felt so unreal – like a dream or something and she kept telling herself it was all an illusion; something too good to be true. Fairytales didn't exist in real life and neither did princes on white horses.
Samantha didn't believe in miracles. Every time she had prayed for one, really needing one to happen, fate had failed her and left her with a broken heart in the cold rain.
Always did she find herself in that dark, lonely place where it all seemed so hopeless and cursed – she just hated it.
It was in that big blue she realized that there was no such thing as a prince charming on a white horse to come save her from the evil witch. Magic and romance was just a dream.
The problems you have are there for you to solve on your own – there is no saviour, not a number like 911 you can call and solve the problems just like that.
Problems were to be solved the hard way – there was no easy way out, not any superhero right around the next corner. Her problem was entirely hers.
"Tell me why you're so upset about Liana Sardo"
His soft whisper, his soothing touch and the determined look in his eyes was enough to make her give in completely. For some reason, unknown to her, Samantha felt like she could trust this man, felt like for once in her life someone deserved to be let in.
He hadn't been forced to give her a ride home, he hadn't needed to ask her if she really was okay nor had anyone expected from him to pull her close and ask her to open up to him.
It was really amazing; he seemed to want to – this man actually cared about her; he was there even when she pushed him away and refused to call out to him, ask for his help – he was still there and he saw it all even when she wished he didn't.
It was quite disturbing sometimes and though it upset her that he seemed to know it all just like that Samantha actually found herself in this very same man's arms.
And she had to admit; it felt good.
"I just… I don't know Martin" She swallowed and bit down her lower lip, trying hard not to sob uncontrollably. It was difficult though – Samantha hated that they had to come across a woman like Liana Sardo. Someone that in some ways reminded her of her very own reflection.
It really hurt – as realization usually did.
He brought a hand up to her cheek and ran his thumb over it as if he was wiping invisible tears off; "talk to me, just say anything that comes to mind – I'm here to listen"
Samantha could feel herself shaking inside; she felt the fear and hurt rise and fall in her chest, taking her over completely.
"I-I just look at her and it scares me to recognize something, I see myself in her reflection Martin – sometimes I just wonder if anyone would ever notice if I went missing – I mean look at the woman, her work made the call and declared her missing – that is all she has, all she seems to care about; her job!"
"And that makes you wonder…" he helped her along, his hands on her back, rubbing over it in soft motions, trying to get her to talk to him, open up.
"Yes that makes me wonder, it makes me think that is this really all I have? My job and my apartment? Would Jack or Van Doren be the ones to realize I was missing if something happened to me? Who would even give a crap if I didn't have my job? Nobody Martin – no one would miss me or wonder where I was or what might have happened to me? I don't have anyone Martin – no one!"
"Shh Shh its okay, its alright just calm down!" He squeezed her body tight, a small smile on his face as he finally realized and understood what was going on in her mind and why she had been so sad all day. Of course she was sad! But she had nothing to be ashamed of and she needed to get that into her stubborn mind just as she would have to understand that she wasn't alone.
Taking a solid grip in both her upper arms, he pulled her back and looked at her; "listen to me Sam; you are not a loner okay? Your family might be screwed up but you know what? So is mine – I'm just fortunate enough to have my cousins around. But that doesn't mean you should be ashamed Sam – it's not your fault okay? And don't you dare think otherwise, don't you dare think I wouldn't miss you if you weren't around – because I would and a lot"
She looked down, trying not to cry. For some reason, hearing this was unbearable and hearing it from Martin – who was so blessed he didn't have to care about losers liker her was just painful. Why would he care about her?
"Mmhm" she just managed muffle, nodding as she kept her stare to the floor, counting every dust particle there.
But he refused to accept it – refused to let her get away with this and swallow her pain once again –he simply wouldn't have it; no way!
Placing a hand under her chin, he moved her head up to look at him, seeing the tears in the corner of her eyes.
"I care okay? Let me care - I want to! And there is no way in hell I'm gonna let anything happen to you or let anyone take you – I won't forget you okay? I'll always be here to look after you and you are my friend, don't ever forget that, okay?"
He smiled reassuringly as she nodded slowly, her lower lip trembling; "I won't" she whispered and he pulled her back to him, wrapping his arms around her, holding her close as he rocked her gently.
Another small smile tugged onto his lips as he felt her finally allowing the tears to fall.
Things would be alright – he would be there for her.