Disclaimer: I do not own anything by J. R. R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, or Bethesda.

AN: Okay, so I may have lost my mind. As it says in the summary, this story (very) loosely follows the Hobbit's basic storyline. However, there are a few rather significant changes...

Firstly: This is a human AU set in the Fallout (Video Games) Universe. The Hobbit cast will feature primarily (if not entirely), but there will also be - heavily altered - locations, landmarks, etc from both Fandoms merged into one.
Secondly: I have yet to play Fallout 4, so this AU is set in the Fallout 3 Universe...there will be a LOT of notable changes (serious warning to be taken if you are a major Fallout fan), but the monsters will be the same...more or less. Warnings for the Hobbit fans: The characters and 'storyline' are movieverse and I made Bilbo just a little more waspish (courage waspishness), and a little more bad-ass.
Thirdly: As you will read, the beginning of this story does not begin with Bilbo joining the Company, but already a part of it.
And Lastly: This story is rather...well, shall we say 'experimental', crack taken seriously if you will.

Reviews and criticism, etc are always welcome and appreciated. So without further ado, I present to you - The Hobbit: A Rather Different Tale To The One You've Been Told.

...But seriously, I may have actually lost my mind - just a little bit.

Enjoy :-)

Chapter One

Another bobby pin broke. The fifth one in his limited supply. "Oh, for fuck sakes."

"Keep your voice down." Dwalin hissed. "Or do yer want ta attract every feral ghoul in this Mahal forsaken place?"

Bilbo slanted a look at his – er...friend? No, companion was a better word. "You could always do it." He huffed, knowing full well that the other man wasn't at all adept in the art of lock-picking.

Dwalin's glare was the only answer Bilbo got before he returned his attention to the open door, keeping watch for any unwanted 'guests'.

"I thought not." Bilbo muttered, inserting a new pin into the lock above the tension wrench and twisting experimentally.

Almost there...almost...ha-

"How much longer is this going ta take?"

SNAP.

"Would you shut up and let me concentrate!" But the venom in Bilbo's voice was severely diminished by the fact that he was whisper-shouting.

Inserting the six – no, seventh bobby pin, Bilbo glared at Dwalin to keep his yap shut, jamming the torch between his teeth for better light.

Apparently seven times was the charm and, after a few moments of fiddling, the safe finally clicked open.

Bilbo eagerly yanked the door open, and...

It was empty.

"Well, that was a waste of time."

Bilbo had to physically clench his fists to prevent overwhelming urge to punch the taller man.

Praying to any god that would listen for patience, he made a mental note to throttle their illustrious leader as soon as they returned to camp.

Why Thorin thought it had been a good idea to send him and Dwalin out looting together in the first place was anyone's guess.

"Thank you for that statement, Captain Obvious." Bilbo gritted, rising to his feet from the grubby floor and dusting himself off.

"Don't yer be getting smart mouthed with me, laddie." Dwalin growled with narrowed eyes.

Bilbo merely rolled his own and began packing away his tools.

"Right then," He said once finished, giving his dirtied trousers another fruitless swipe. "shall we be off?"

Dwalin grunted his assent and headed into the even darker – and danker - corridor beyond the Security Room.

Ah, the Metro was a lovely place. Practically like home these days.

Well, on second thought, perhaps that was a little over-exaggerated. "Er...did we come from the left or the right?" Bilbo asked, a touch anxiously, as he caught up to Dwalin and where the man waited diligently for him. Glancing side to side, Bilbo couldn't tell one way from the other.

The other man snorted, a suspicious curl to his lips, before he marched right, leaving Bilbo to follow in his wake.

Left they came. Right they went; continuing their hunt.

Both men remained silent as they picked their way through the Metro's rubble strewn tunnels and paused only when necessary to ferret supply's from long forgotten personal effects or, even worse, rubbish bins.

Bilbo would resolutely forget all about these little 'dumpster diving' sessions as soon as he was a respectable distance from them...and more so once he'd scrubbed his skin within an inch of it's life.

Soon the endless corridors opened out onto the Metro's deserted rail tracks and Bilbo wasn't sure if this made him feel more or less uneasy.

It wasn't as though he had never been to any of the Metro Station's before, but the others had been considerably smaller either through build and/or tunnel collapses. This one was one of the largest intact Metro's, and in the very heart of the city no less. Bilbo couldn't help but feel much like a very small worm on a very big hook. One twitch was all it would take for a fish to take the bait. There was a reason places like this had a reputation.

...Perhaps Dwalin wasn't such a bad companion after all...

A sudden echoing shriek had both men freezing, rifles drawn and safety off without either giving a second thought.

"Was that a..." Bilbo didn't want to finish the sentence, rather afraid of the answer.

"Ghoul." Dwalin spat, ever the reliable bringer of good news.

Bilbo sighed rather dramatically. "Wonderful."

The bigger man made a slashing motion then, none to kindly telling Bilbo to 'shut up'.

For once, he listened.

Of course, their silence only made the ghoul's shrieking that much more echoey and terrifying – at least to Bilbo – and he unashamedly inched towards Dwalin. At the very least, the other man would get eaten before he did...

Several other shrieks joined the first, and Bilbo felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand to attention. Well Shit.

"What should we do?" He whispered furiously, ignoring Dwalin's glare to be quiet, too busy gazing anxiously into the gloom ahead. "Should we hunt them down?"

Slowly, Dwalin turned his head and he pinned the smaller man with a look that spoke volumes.

"What?" Bilbo sniffed, somewhat offended. The idea wasn't that stupid. He'd much rather bring the fight to them than be hunted by a pack of crazy irradiated non-humans.

"Sometimes I wonder." It was muttered so softly, accompanied by a small shakes of his bald head, that Bilbo almost didn't catch it. But he did, and his eyes narrowed accordingly.

He had just opened his mouth, biting retort at the ready, when the tunnel was filled with more than one of those hair-raising shrieks. And it sounded like they were getting closer – much closer.

Naturally his companion chose that moment to simply stand there. Not doing anything.

"Er, Dwalin?"

As if snapped from a trance, the other man quickly grabbed Bilbo's arm and hauled him down the tunnel as fast, and as quietly, as they could go. Thankfully, in the opposite direction of said crazy non-humans.

Unfortunately for them, the ghouls seemed to have cottoned onto the fact that there were tasty morsels floating about their – cough – home and were apparently in pursuit – if the increasing urgency and volume of those rasping screams, and the scratchy thudding of footfalls, were anything to go by.

If Bilbo were to hazard a guess, he'd say there were...oh, about a hundred of them. Well, a dozen really, but that didn't mean he felt any less terrified.

In fact, he almost cried in relief when Dwalin spotted a service entrance – one they had obviously overlooked on their way past - and all but manhandled him inside, slamming and locking the door behind them.

Bilbo stood panting for a moment, adrenaline singing the rhythm of fight, flight, fight, flight in time to his heartbeat.

A few moments later there was a loud bang, followed by another, then another, and he stepped back, rifle raised, prepared in case those accursed things actually managed to break through the solid metal door.

It was at times like this – note, when his life was in danger – that Bilbo wondered whether he'd made the right decision in agreeing to follow Thorin in his ridiculous quest to reclaim his family's mine; Erebor.

After all, he'd been perfectly safe at home in his little, relatively secure, community – well as safe as one can be living in a post-nuclear wasteland were one could be ambushed by raiders, radscorpions, feral ghouls, mirelurks, mole rats – breath – deathclaws, bloatflys, and all manor of horribly irradiated beings. But no, he'd chosen to follow a man, one that he hadn't even known all that long, on a march across the county, and all because of a sob story...

Before the nuclear war that had destroyed most of the planet, Erebor had been a thriving mine, churning out metals and precious gems alike. Post war, the mine, and it's ever reaching depths, had acted as a shelter for people seeking refuge. Surprisingly, it had managed to do just that, and had survived the fallout with very little casualty. Years and years and years later, it had become a safe haven, a hive teeming with life as more and more people arrived seeking shelter. And Erebor had provided without restraint.

But eventually, as word spread of all that the mine had to offer, it wasn't just the innocent that longed for her embrace.

Smaug, a notoriously cruel raider, and his band of equally vile companions sole into the mine and took it for themselves. Thorin, only a small boy at the time, had watched his grandfather die that day.

Now, years later, Thorin planned to retake Erebor with his strongest and most skilled men and return her to the safe haven she was meant to be.

...Granted, it was a very good sob story. Honourable in fact. Which was why Bilbo had found himself offering his help in the first place.

It had nothing to do with the fact that Bilbo was absolutely not just a little bit in love with Thorin. Nope, not at all. But, Bilbo would admit – at least to himself – that Thorin had the bluest eyes he had even seen, and a mane of dark hair that just begged to be touched.

Okay, so what if there was just a little bit of lust going on? Lust was not love, and Bilbo definitely did not love Thorin. At all.

Apparently gearing up for another one of his internal arguments, Bilbo was grateful when Dwalin's restless form came into his line of sight and bought him back to awareness of their current predicament.

The other man was obviously tense, and he shifted from one foot to the other, hands repeatedly flexing around his rifle.

Watching this bought Bilbo's own anxiousness to the forefront of his mind once more and he eyed the door with trepidation. Apparently, the ghouls hadn't given up in their attempts to break the door down.

After several increasingly strained moments, Dwalin finally relaxed, albeit minutely, and muttered; "Come on. Let's get out of this forsaken place." before turning on his heel and stalking further into the service tunnel.

Bilbo felt his shoulder's sag and he sighed in relief, following him without argument.

Just for this unnecessary scare over his life, Bilbo was seriously going to throttle Thorin, twice.

- O -

"Well I must say, I think this was one of your greatest ideas yet." Bilbo's words positively dripped with sarcasm and Dwalin turned on him, chest puffed out and face growing red in anger. In fact, he rather resembled a mad brahmin – and a second head would have been the cherry on top.

"Oh stuff it." Bilbo snapped before the taller man could actually say anything in retaliation. "Now then," And his words suddenly sounded calm, curious even, as his waved his gun in a general forward direction. "would you care to tell me what the fuck that fucking thing is?!" That last part? Yeah, not so calm, borderline hysterical really.

The thing in question was probably one of the most hideously mutated – living believe it or not – mass of moving ick that he had ever had the most unfortunate pleasure of meeting...so to speak.

And yes, he blamed Dwalin for this most enjoyable experience. Service tunnel? Ha! More like mutant infested hell. In fact now that he thought about it; yes, he decided he'd much rather face a whole room full of ghouls.

"That? Fuck knows how it got down here, but that's a centaur."

Bilbo's surprised laugh was more a sob-like squeak. "Let me tell you something, that doesn't look like no god-damn centaur I've ever read about."

"Then I guess yer never seen one."

And Bilbo did not like his condescending tone one bit. However, there were more pressing matters to deal with – like the rapidly approaching monstrosity that had tentacles coming out of places he really didn't want to think about. "Is it killable?"

Dwalin gave a long-suffering sigh before he opened fire without any warning at all.

To Bilbo's abject horror, the bullets seemed to do little in the way of slowing down the creature and, instinctively, he raised his own rifle to give the beasty something else to chew – because his ass certainly wasn't on the menu tonight.

Two guns definitely seemed better than one, and Bilbo was just feeling the first waves of triumph when the centaur's skin rippled, both unnaturally and alarmingly, before it suddenly exploded.

Bilbo could only stand there in stunned silence - a feat he would soon learn from - because not a moment later, he found himself literally covered head-to-foot in mutated guts.

Eyes pealed so wide they started to water, Bilbo could only stare straight ahead, utterly frozen, barely even registering that he no longer pressed the trigger.

Despite his ears ringing from the gunfire, Dwalin's sudden booming laugh seemed almost too loud, and Bilbo jumped, nearly dropping his gun.

Of course fucking Dwalin was laughing, he'd ducked behind Bilbo and the git didn't have a single spot of goo anywhere on him.

"Oh yeah," He wheezed between guffaws. "I might have forgotten ta mention that they tend ta do that."

...When they finally returned to camp sometime later, Bilbo stiffly – and with as much dignity as he could muster - ignored the Company's snickering questions and open-mouthed stares. Embarrassed and disgusted though he was, it was with no small amount of smug satisfaction that Bilbo knew Dwalin's black eye would shine for days.

To be continued...

So...how do people feel about it so far? Like it? Hate it? Feel free to tell me what you think, just please bear in mind that this is entirely an AU story. ENTIRELY.

Also, please note that updating may take a little while, but that's mainly due to the research needed (playing and watching again and again) and also work commitments, life, etc.

Thank you for reading!