TITLE: Apples
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: A Yappy Obi story. A conversation between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan (the yappy version).
DISCLAIMER: No profit, this is just for fun!
Qui: Obi-Wan, I love you.
Obi: Ah, uh, you whaaaaaaaaat?
Qui: You are the apple of my eye.
Obi: I don't like apples.
Qui: You are the sunshine of my life.
Obi: Apples are all pithy and the skin is tough…
Qui: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Obi: And those nasty green ones. Like troll apples, they make my face scrunch up like this, I look like a fish sucking on a lemon.
Qui: What are you yammering on about?
Obi: Apples.
Qui: Why?
Obi: I don't know. You started it.
Qui: I said I love you.
Obi: Then you started talking about apples.
Qui: I did not.
Obi: You did. Apple of my eye? What the hell does that mean, Master?
Qui: Apple filled with soap is what it means. Did you listen to anything I said other than the word apple?
Obi: Yeah, you said you loved me.
Qui: Yes, and?
Obi: It's a lie or a trick. Either way, I can't dwell on it. It'll just make me upset.
Qui: You don't want me to care about you?
Obi: Sure I do. And you already do. It's why you haven't killed me yet.
Qui: The reason I've not killed you yet is because it would be wrong and I would get locked up for the rest of my life. Although I suspect there is a contingent out there that may rally for my freedom. However, it is probably not worth the risk.
Obi: So you do care about me.
Qui: Did not say that.
Obi: You did not not say it either.
Qui: I do not not say a lot of things, that doesn't make those things that I did not not say valid.
Obi: It doesn't make them invalid either. So, you love me now?
Qui: Sure, why not?
Obi: Wow. I can feel the warmth, Master. Such devotion.
Qui: It's what I do.
Obi: Or it's not. Why do you love me now but not yesterday?
Qui: You were annoying yesterday.
Obi: I'm annoying every day.
Qui: Yes, but I had a good evening without you around last night and…
Obi: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! were you with Master Bren?
Qui: Yes.
Obi: Damn it, all! Why?
Qui: Do you really need or want to know why?
Obi: Not ever. Not ever, never, ever, never, ever. TMI, Master. T.M.I.
Qui: What?
Obi: Never mind. So you had a fling and suddenly you are happy and you like me?
Qui: No, I love you.
Obi: You don't like me?
Qui: Love.
Obi: Like.
Qui: Love.
Obi: Like.
Qui: Love.
Obi: Like, damn it, Master, stop it!
Qui: That's why.
Obi: Why what?
Qui: Why I love and don't like.
Obi: What?
Qui: Your yappy lips. Did I give you permission to use that word?
Obi: Like, love or what?
Qui: Damn it.
Obi: Damn it, what?
Qui: That word.
Obi: What?
Qui: What what?
Obi: What word?
Qui: Damn it.
Obi: What?
Qui: That word!
Obi: What word? Wait…you're doing this on purpose, aren't you? Teaching me a lesson or something.
Qui: Now you know what you sound like and how irritating it can be on the other end.
Obi: But you still love me.
Qui: I do.
Obi: But you don't like me.
Qui: Would you?
Obi: Would I what?
Qui: Like you?
Obi: I'm a good kid. I hug. I talk. I eat. I'll even eat apples, despite my hatred for them. I'm good at saber practice as long as my opponent is not 8 feet tall.
Qui: I am not 8 feet tall, Obi-Wan.
Obi: How important is that fact to this conversation right now, Master?
Qui: You are a smart ass. That goes on your list.
Obi: And I have cool hair and dreamy eyes and a killer accent.
Qui: If you say so.
Obi: So, what's not to like about me?
Qui: Living with you every second of every day. Haven't you been thirteen years old for a very long time now? How can one year seem like fifteen?
Obi: I am the son you never had and always wanted, right? One year is like fifteen. That's how much you love me; so much that you never want to see me grow up and away from you.
Qui: Well, let's not outreach our imaginations.
Obi: I like you, Master.
Qui: Yes, I know that. Obsessively so.
Obi: I love you too. See how that works? I can like and love, just like Master Hendiadys.
Qui: I don't know who that is and yes, you are quite the multi-tasker, Padawan.
Obi: I am, but why did you even say that at all? That you loved me and all that mushy stuff way back on page one.
Qui: Page one of what?
Obi: That book you are reading from. You got all those funny sayings out of there; the wind beneath my wings and all that crap.
Qui: Oh, just rambling to see your reaction.
Obi: Did I pass?
Qui: Pass what?
Obi: The test; the reaction test.
Qui: It was not a test, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Then why did you do it if not to test me? You are always looking for stupid ways to stick training into every second of every day, right?
Qui: No test. No training. Just fun.
Obi: You? Fun? Did someone replace you with a clone? We haven't been to Kamino yet. Well, I haven't. I think you are well dead by then. That place makes me seasick and it gave me pneumonia. I should have sent that Sith kid there. You know the one you stole from his mother? It was when you went all 'Chosen One' on me, disowned me, slobbered on her and then stole the kid, and he killed me eventually, you know. Thank you for that. But that comes after Kamino. I should focus on the pneumonia angle first. I puked a lot.
Qui: If this is more of your incessant future talk, knock it off before I knock you out. It was fun; that is all.
Obi: But, Master, you don't have fun. It's against your Master Code of Nimrodic Behavior or something.
Qui: Well, I broke the code then. And 'nimrodic' is not a word.
Obi: Whatever. You need to stop messing with my mind. You know what it's like up there.
Qui: Indeed I do. I do love you though.
Obi: Fine, but I'm striving for like right now.
Qui: How about we try tomorrow for that? I have another date with Bren this evening; perhaps that might sway my vote.
Obi: For Gods and Sith, Master, stop it! No adult mush talk! Obi's number one rule! How hard is that to remember? What you two do in your own nasty time is your own nasty issue, not mine. Can't you just like me without outside influence?
Qui: Perhaps.
Obi: Well, that's better than a no and better than adult mush, so okay. Can we go practice in the gym now for saber training?
Qui: We can.
Obi: Do you still love me?
Qui: For now. If you turn my knees into bloody pulps of goo again, I may not.
Obi: I've perfected my target area, Master. I can actually clash sabers with you now. You may want to wear a protective vest on your chest though. Sometimes, my aim is off. I wouldn't want to slice your chest open or something like that.
Qui: Or something like that, of course. I will armor up.
Obi: I promise though, no knees.
Qui: On second thought, how about you go alone and swing at invisible me?
Obi: I like regular you better. And invisible you can be quite boring. He doesn't even bleed when I whack him in the knees.
Qui: You've sparred with an invisible version of me before?
Obi: Yes.
Qui: Okay. I don't need to know anything more. Let's go. I'd rather people not see you acting a fool alone. People might think badly of me for leaving you to yourself and it could get me locked up. Again. And while Bren is off-mission and at the temple so much recently…
Obi: Why? Just, why? You are the grossest human being ever put on any planet in any galaxy ever. Stop it!
Qui: I love you, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Whatever, Master. Can I have that apple now?
The end