A new one-shot! Who doesn't love that? I know I have been writing a lot of them lately but I like writing them, and I have lots of ideas! So…here is another one! YAY!

Warning- language. Sexual references.

Eli's POV

Everything was perfect right now. We were lying in bed, making out. Nothing could be better. I flipped us over so that I would now be on top, in charge. I plunged my tongue into her mouth faster than you could think. I wanted to taste her, to compare… She was now my everything.

My shirt and hers was now long forgotten, somewhere on the floor. She was still sporting a very non-sexy bra, one of those ones that are just for supporting, you know? I don't know the name of it; I'm definitely not an expert. We pulled away for a small second and she smiled up at me. I was starting to feel dirty. I didn't know why.

Her hands started in my hair and they made their way down, down, down, until they rested on my belt buckle. My breathing was ragged…I didn't know what I was supposed to feel or even know how to think. Shouldn't this be a happy moment? Shouldn't I be pleased and thrilled? This girl was about to strip me and I was to do the same to her.

We're supposed to share something so special.

I heard the pop of the buckle, and I knew it was wrong. I literally felt like I was cheating. In my mind I kind of wish I was. That would mean that I'd still have-

"Eli? I'm ready, take me." When those words left her lips she kissed me again and finished what she started on with my pants. Finally freeing what should be the tightest pants ever, I pushed her away. I stood up with shaky hands and my mind was racing. How was I supposed to tell her that I didn't love her? That I didn't want her.

"Eli? Is everything okay? Do you need your medication?" I glared at her from over my shoulder. She always says that…she always thinks I'm going crazy whenever I don't want her around. Can't she see that I hate her for doing this to me? Grabbing what little bit of sanity I have and taking it away with a simple hello?

"No, I don't need any medication, I'm good." She smiled at me seductively and it made me want to vomit what little bit I ate earlier that day. She crawled on her hands and knees on the bed over to me. She even started to purr and meow. What in the hell was wrong with this girl? She wasn't who she used to be, not who I remember. Not who I thought I loved.

"Well then, let's get started." She winked up at me before tugging on my skinny jeans and boxers. I gripped her hands tightly and pushed her away from me. "Stop it, I don't want you to do that to me. I don't want you to touch me. I don't want to experience that with you. I want nothing to do with you. I don't love you anymore, don't you see it? I hate you! You aren't who I thought you were."

Tears were now in her eyes, and I seriously felt like the monster I once was. I led her on again and I can't go back and fix it. Sad thing is: I don't want to. I want to be her free. She is only holding me back on what I really truly want. She's bad for me, she can't do the things I need.

"Please just leave, for your own sake. Don't beg me to keep you, I don't want to. Don't act foolish run while you can…you don't need me and I certainly don't want you."

I wash being harsher than harsh, but I needed her to understand that what we have going on again can't keep happening. It just hurts too much. It isn't anything like before. I needed what was before. And only one thing could make that happen, but let's face it, I had already lost that way before tonight.

The chance to love and be loved properly. It is sickening that I can't have it anymore, seriously sickening. It's like if you eat the bottom of the cupcake and then eat the frosting by itself, you wonder why you did it. It was so good when it was but after it was nothing but a bad memory. Not even anything you can smile or be happy about.

"Okay, but know Eli, I will always love you with all of my heart. And because of that I'll do as you ask, so you can be happy." Happy? Happiness doesn't exist in my body anymore, nothing I say or do ever works when it comes to trying to be self-pleasing. I don't just mean in bed either.

I didn't know what to do as I watched her put her shirt back on and pack her bag up. I didn't know what was going through her mind or her heart. Nothing good I imagine. But how could she have not known something was terribly terribly wrong.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did." My words didn't change the fact that what I had said was true though. We both knew that. She took one last look at me and kissed me on my cheek before exiting out the door, slamming it closed in the process. It was hell, my life, but there isn't anything that I could do. "Eli! Eli, is everything alright? I just saw-"

"I know mom, and everything is not alright. When did my life become such a mess?" She sighed and smiled softly. Should I go after her? Say that I had a mental break down and that I wanted to through with it. No…I couldn't allow myself back into her world. "Everything will turn out in the end, you'll see. I suggest you get some sleep now though."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Okay, goodnight mom." She said her goodnight back and closed the door. If only she knew what I really was about to do…or what I do really every night. Lies I tell every day, it makes me sick to what she made me become. I never used to hide things from my parents, there was no point to.

I waited a few minutes to make sure that she had gone to bed with my dad and that she wouldn't get up and come check on me. I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding in and grabbed my phone and wallet while slipping some shoes on before exiting out my window. I shut it but left a small crack open so I could come back with no trouble.

I stuffed my things into my back pocket on my pants and buried my hands in my coat pockets. It was a chilly night, like most I mean I lived in Canada for crying out loud! I sighed as I passed my house and came near to the Dot. I lived right next to it really, but that wasn't my destination at the moment. I looked to my left and saw that all of the shops on the street were dark and closed. At this hour I would be surprised to see anything but bars open.

I passed by an alley way, that same alley way that I fought Fitz in. That reminds me of her… I shook my head getting rid of the thoughts that I hatedto consume my brain, they came so frequently though. I walked faster it seemed like that place was miles away when in reality wasn't even one mile. I looked up to the sky it was a very clear day you could see all of the stars and the moon so well.

I remember one time…

"Clare! Where are you going? Stop running!" She was giggling like a mad woman I had no control over my body when I started to laugh as well. She was just too giddy at times, but I loved those times. I would do anything to always see this girl smile. "Come look, Eli! It's beautiful."

"Probably not as beautiful as you!" I called out to her as I ran to try to catch up. I must admit this girl could run fast! Now, if we were racing I'd beat her in a heartbeat but when we were just having fun and she had way too much energy from sugar she was damn fast. "You're too much."

"But you love me!" I finally reached where she was at and wrapped my arms around her torso from behind, resting my chin on her right shoulder. She snuggled further into me and sighed happily. It was moments like these that made me really appreciate life. "Yeah I do, a lot. But look, isn't it just breathtaking?"

"Yes, it is Clare. Gorgeous." I kissed her cheek and then went back to admiring the fantastic sky. It was the clearest it had been for a very long time. Clare was in love with the nighttime sky so whenever it was clear she just had to see it! I found it funny but I took her somewhere every time anyway so that she could get a good look at it. I did things like that for her…only for her because I love her with all my heart and I always will.

I sighed and wiped away the few tears that fell from my eyes from the memory. That was only one month before we ended. It was heartbreaking still. One thing was for sure…I would always love her forever. It sucked but it was the truth which is why I just couldn't earlier…

I finally approached what I had been walking towards for forever. The bench. More importantly our bench. I got closer to it and was devastated when I saw someone was sitting on it. I come here every night and this is the first time I ever witnessed someone sitting on it. I almost turned around when I heard a small whimper. The person was crying?

They could be a crazy person, Eli!

My mind was screaming no but for some reason my feet walked me toward the bench and the person came into clear view. Oh God, this is worse than some crazy stranger, I thought. I was planning on turning around and walking away, pretending that this never happened. But I couldn't and when the person looked up and locked eyes with me I lost it.

She wasn't crying…no, there were no tears in her eyes. She looked sad though, beyond sad. What did I say earlier? I would do anything to just see this girl happy and smile. Even if that means putting myself through even more hell. "Eli? What are you doing out so late?"

"I should be asking you the same question. Clare, it's dangerous." She sighed and looked at her hands that were placed in her lap. She stayed there silent and unmoving. It was almost like she was paralyzed until she finally motioned for me to sit on the bench next to her. I hesitated but I figured it would only make things worse if I turned and walked away now.

"I know it is, I guess in a way that is why I am doing it. So that maybe something bad would happen to me." I stared at her in shock. How could she think and want that? How could she be so selfish. Does she not care if she hurts the people that love and care about her anymore? Has she lost all of her common sense?

"Well, Clare, that's just insanity." I said bluntly, yeah, that didn't make her feel too good. All she did was sit and stare at me. I saw a couple walking-stumbling- around, they most likely were drunk so I scooted closer to Clare in hopes she would be alright with my protectiveness right now. "About a month ago I almost slept with Jake."

I heard her but my focus was still on the couple. I was praying to really no one just so that we would stay safe. They finally passed us, never even looking in our direction. Probably not sober enough to even see that we were people. But then my brain caught up to my ears and I finally understood what she said. "Yeah, well, I almost slept with Imogen…like an hour ago."

Clare looked at me with a hurt expression. How could she do this, act that way? She really has no right and it pisses me off. If I said something about her and Jake or had such an expression she would get mad and walk away probably never speak to me again, yet she can do it all she pleases. "Don't you dare look at me like that, she was my girlfriend just as much as Jake was your boyfriend. I had every right to do such a thing with her."

"So why didn't you?" Oh yes the question…the exact question that I had been avoiding in asking even myself. I just said it myself, I had every right and I was even in the moment…so why didn't I do it? I could have. I could have a lot, but yet here I am not in my bed naked with the wrong girl. "Because,"

I looked at Clare's face before continuing, "Because she's not you. I'm sorry, okay? But you and I, the thought of us, still kills me. It kills me to see you with your-your brother. You flaunt him around like it doesn't mean a damn thing to me, but you know it means everything. You do it on purpose don't you? Hurt me? Manipulate me? Oh, would you look at that, Clare the roles are reversed now,"

"It isn't so much fun now, huh, Clare? Feeling the one you love terrified because of you. In your mind you know that you just killed your lover, and yet you wouldn't stop. I wanted to stop, Clare! I wanted you…I needed you. I didn't know how to deal with the intensity of having a different girlfriend on my dead girlfriends death day. What was I supposed to do? Jump in bed with someone I never loved, who couldn't steal my heart if she tries because it belongs to another,"

"I practically killed her, Imogen. God, I actually killed my first girlfriend, smothered my second one with too much love and affection, and gave nothing to my third where she wanted to kill herself because she felt unworthy. I was right at the play, wasn't I? I'm all wrong."

My voice was shaky and I couldn't stop the uncontrollable twitch running through my veins. I was breaking down yet again. I hate bi polar disease, it's ruining my life. I looked over at Clare, she looked fucking terrified. Great! I couldn't do this to her again, so I stood up and attempted to walk away. It was hard considering how much I was shaking.

I felt a hand wrap around my waist and pull me close. "Come on, Eli, I'll walk you home."

Her sweet angelic voice, the one that I could listen to for hours and hours. She was taunting me and I didn't like it. "I don't want to scare you anymore, Clare; I have done enough damage to you in a lifetime. You don't have to walk me home."

She stopped walking and faced me grabbing my face in her hands. She breathed in and out through her mouth. I could practically see the wheels turning in her head, trying to find the right words to say her sentence. "You aren't scaring me. You're better now, Eli. I know you have your moments but hell everyone does! Bi polar or not everyone has off days and times, it's naturally apart of life."

And as a single tear fell from her left eye I heard something I had longed to hear for such a long time…from the right person, "I love you, Eli."

It was that moment that I knew everything was right.

Okay, leave a review telling me what you thought please!