For No One
Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you
I stare her down. She is sitting on the edge of her bed. Watery sapphire eyes intently looking at the floor. She stares at it, studying it as if she was preparing for a test, a test on home decoration. I laugh humorlessly. She doesn't even turn to you. She is staring down at that carpet. It hurts. It hurt so bad. My is head rattling within my skull. It kills me to know she is like this. I ache. I hurt. She hurts. I look at those eyes, fixated on the carpet. Specks of green swim in those irises like algae resting on top of the clearest pond.
"I love you." I whisper. I do, I love her more than anything. I love her more than my mother, my father, my world, myself. She sits there. Without words she sits. Her dark her caressing her pale cheeks, she looks so beautiful, so beautiful. I need her.
"I need you." I say it with hope. But I already know she no longer needs me.
She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you
Where ever my Jade was before, whatever trance she was in. She wakes up she looks at me. She blinks slowly. She pushes her hair back behind her ear, a nervous habit. She folds her hands in her lap awkwardly, positioning and repositioning her hands, another nervous habit. Jade is broken, so broken. She has so much on her shoulders. She looks into my eyes. All I see is her pain. She is in pain. She begins to tremble. I want to get up and wrap my big bear paws around her and let hold her against my chest until all is well again. But I am in no position to do so. She is no longer mine, though I am hers.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. I need Jade, I need Jade. I NEED her! But does she need me.
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A lobe that should have lasted years
Her eyes are blank. She sits and lets the words soak in. The words crash into her pores and force their way into her skin; into her veins; and straight into her heart. She sits. She thinks. She bites her lips. She looks at me still biting. A bead of crimson arising from under a pearl tooth and there is nothing I want to do more than kiss away the blood. To taste Jade, to taste the words that will soon come out of her, the words I have said that are now in her. Jade looks at me again. Her eyes then wander up to the ceiling. She allows one lonesome tear to drop into a soft plump cheek. Then the fleet of tears marches away from her eyes. The sobs begin to wrench her body quakes and she just wails. To who? I do not know. But she doesn't cry to me, nor does she cry for me, but she just cries. Maybe for once, the tears are for her. The tears hurt. Each stop stabs me and I ache. She no longer loves me. She no longer loves me. Oh no, she does not. The love that was promised for eternity died. The fire that burned through the storm could no longer take it. She flame flickered out and died and I watched the light her eyes die. That special place in her heart for me has closed up. It has drowned and suffocated in a bath of tears that were not for me.
You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you
"Jade," I whisper so quietly "Jade." Her name is heavenly, so heavenly. Jade was my guardian angel, she made the pain disappear. I wanted her in my life to keep away the storm. She was the sun on a rainy day. She was the fireman when the building was engulfed in flames. I needed her hear. Without her, I wouldn't be here. She was my reason for living. She is my reason for living. She is my everything.
"Dead. I'm sorry." She speaks her voice soft, raspy, quivering and quaking as she speaks. I know what she means the love. It is dead. But my side of the love is undying. It will never die. And love is a two way street. So she had to love me back. That is how it works but she doesn't seem to understand this. The love is still there if I tell myself it is. The love is there. The love is there. It is there dammit! She has to need me, I can tell her this. She has to need me because I need her.
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
"You helped me get better, I need you here!" That is when my masculinity failed me and the scalding tears begin to pour down my face "I can't face the world alone Jade! Jade I need you! I need you more than I need air. Air can't get me through the suffering. I need you to depend on. What if the temptation comes back? I can't face it without you. I'm sorry I hurt you." She stares back at me blankly.
"I can't stay Beck. I cannot stay like this. You hurt me," She began, and then whispered "you hurt me." I cried harder. My heart wrenching and quaking, Jade I need you. I need you. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't mean to hit you, I didn't want to go back to Trina, I didn't want to get drunk, but I did. "Jade, it was a mistake. It was really. The demons came back, they caught up while you were out of town. See I cannot be without you, or I become stupid."
Her tears slowed. There was nothing behind her eyes, no love. I made a mistake, but could she really loose all the love from me because of it? She cried and she cried she cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for Jade and she cried for no one. She just cried quaking and hurting for no one. The love in her has run out. All the love pouring out of her eyes burning her. The love symbolized by the promise ring around her neck poured out of her eyes. Burning hot and passionate, our love was burning hot and passionate; her tears are burning hot and passionate.
You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him
Jade's gone. Jade is gone she is off somewhere making out with Andre my best friend she is putting on the play. She is out performing with all she can. She is Alice Carson in love with Zane Ashton. She is off somewhere pretending to afraid of who was coming after looking for shelter in the beloved Andre –Zane's- arms. Kissing him, hugging him, touching him, the way only I am allowed to receive her love. IT burns me to be away from her. And the brandy pouring down my throat burning me like loneliness burns me. After about three bottles later, three more "talks" with Jack Daniels the brazen of his words begin to speak with me. If Jade wants to kiss Andre for the weekend, that is totally fine with me but I'm getting some loving this weekend too.
I call her and whisper to her in the lowest, sexiest voice I can muster up. She purrs back at me like a good kitty should. Within minutes she is in my RV her body pressed up against me. Her breath is of stale cigarettes but for some reason I have always fancied the smell of cigarettes. Trina's kisses are light but eager. The determination to please is full-fledged in her eyes. She wants me to want her. At the moment, my drunken mind kind of does. But my whole body needs, aches for Jade though. My heart tells me to stop. My tongue doesn't listen. It continues to scan and explore her mouth. My conscience tells me to quit it. But yet I my hands disobey and continue to undress her. I took her on my bed. Where I had first took Jade.
Trina and I kept it out secret. But I still felt terrible, I betrayed my Jade. I took Trina where I first had taken Jade. It all feels so wrong now, so dirty. I hated myself for doing. But I was mostly angry at Jade. It had been her fault. She left me, she know that on the inside I'm fragile and attached to her, but she still she left.
When Jade came back I was so happy she came running up to me from behind at school and hugged me. When I looked down at my princess my heart swelled I cupped her face and kissed her hungrily. I need that. I missed that. Then I remembered why I spent the weekend alone and guilty. She had left. Anger boiled me and clouded my thought. Before I could think I slapped her with the back of my hand. It was hard, so hard she crumbled to the floor.
"Why did you make me do that!" I began to cry. "I don't ever want to hit you, but you left, you left me alone, all alone. Jade I was alone." I cried. I cried. I cried.
"I'm so sorry Beck," She whispered it so faintly. I knew she was sorry, sorry before I even slapped her. But she made me. And she made me cheat. But she was sorry for much more. She was sorry that at that moment, I had slapped the love out of her. She doesn't need me. I had hurt her. I need her though.
Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
My day crumbles around me. The darkness engulfed the light with one quick swallow. All that I ever knew crashing upon me. It hurts. It all hurts. My Jade, no Jade. I must remember she doesn't belong to me. I set her free. It was an accident, though all my actions were intentional. I look at her and she looks so empty so empty. I look at her and I remember instantly every 'I love you' I remember all the kindest words she has said to me. They weren't so many but compared to how many she has actually given out, I had taken a lot of them. I need her. But she doesn't need me. I need her. She doesn't need me. And there is no longer a we between us. Just me. Just her. The thought aches. She stands up and looks at me. She grabs my face and slams her lips against mine. Every emotion rushes to me. This moment should never end, but it does. She leaves, I watch her go; she walks away into the darkness alone. She takes her body but I keep her memory. I won't forget her.