Chapter One - The Boy Who Lived

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four Privet Drive had a son named Dudley and he was really fat. Maybe it was genetics (Mr Dursley had way more adipose tissues than regular humans) or maybe it s because they always spoil him and shove lots and lots of food down his ass. I don't know. Mrs. Dursley, first name Petunia, was a really thin freak. She liked spying on people, heaven knows why. She was like a ninja. She had a sister called Lily, who was way prettier and cooler than her. Lily married a really hot wizard named James, and he impregnated her with a baby. This baby was born and they called him Harry.

Lily and James were killed because they had noses. Little baby Harry almost got killed for his tiny sweet sweet baby nose, but Voldemort had an itch on his supple pale bum and did the curse on Harry wrong, accidentally killing himself. Well, not really kill, but we're still on the first book so we ll get on that later. Anyway, since Voldemort had an itch he accidentally scratched Harry s forehead instead of his butt and that s why Harry had a lightning shaped scar.

So that s the back story. Now night has fallen and some old guy appeared out of nowhere on Privet Drive. He was really really old. Really. He was wearing black tights and leotards and a purple robe. It was not known if he was wearing underwear. On his head was a pointy hat he always wore so people would think he was a hip young snicker doodle. He had a really long white beard he was very proud of, and when he was feeling up to it, he shampooed and conditioned it with tender love and care, and sometimes fixed it up with styling hair gel. It made the old guy feel confident about himself.

There was a cat there looking at the old guy. The cat's eyes filled with lust and it's mind filled with perverted thoughts. The cat transformed into an old lady. "Albie!" She squealed in a surprisingly deep man voice. This was Minerva McGonagall, former famous belly dancer extraordinaire. She was retired because she ate too many blubber nuggets. She now taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, because on the day she got sacked, Albus Dumbledore (the old guy here, also the headmaster of Hogwarts) was in the bar she was working at. He felt sorry for her and offered her a teaching position.

Dumbledore jumped, eyes covered in spectacles widening with surprise. He clutched his heart (actually his left manboob, because his heart is inside his ribcage) and yelled. "SWEET JESUS MINERVA! YOU WANNA GIVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK?"

"Sorry, Albie," McGonagall's smile of pleasure wiped off her face. "So, what happened?"

"Voldemort has gone. He's killed Lily-"

Minerva gasped. "Not Lily!" She exclaimed, her eyes filling with tears. "She was so good in bed!"

"-and James-"

Minerva gasped again. "Not James!" She exclaimed, her eyes filling with more tears. "He was even better!"

"-but Harry's still alive. Hagrid's bringing him."

"You think it wise to trust Hagrid with the little child?" Minerva asked worriedly. "You know, there are a number of cases in the Ministry of giants raping young children-"

"Minerva!" Dumbledore scolded. "Hagrid's not like that. He's..." a dreamy expression was on his face. "Different. He's...handsome, wonderful, kind, his eyes go all crinkly when he smiles that smile, so hot, so great in bed..."

"Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore went back to normal. "Sorry. What I meant was: I would trust Hagrid with my life."

They heard a weird sound coming from the sky. They looked up, and there was a flying hotpink Barbie bike in the air. On the bike's basket was a pile of blankets and a limited edition Bratz doll. A giant was on the bike, pedalling towards them.

"Awesome ride, Hag! Oooh, training wheels," Minerva looked at the bike. "Where ya get?"

"Sirius gave it to me," Hagrid said, getting off the bike. He looked at it like it was his baby.

Speaking of baby, "Where's Harry?" asked Dumbledore. He went to the basket. "Is the wittle baby boy okay?" He took the pile of blankets. Hagrid wrestled it from Dumbledore and punched him in the face, causing him to fall down to the hard grey concrete street.

"SWEET JESUS DUMBLEDORE! IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH YASMIN YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ASK FIRST!" Hagrid screamed in fury. He hugged the Bratz doll. "It's okay, shh, shh, it's okay, Daddy's here, Daddy's here..." Hagrid soothed the doll in a comforting voice. This went on for a quick few hours.

"Hagrid, where's Harry?" Minerva asked.

"Huh? Oh right, right." He tenderly put Yasmin back onto the basket. He shoved his hand in his bushy brown beard, and pulled out the sleeping baby, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived.

Minerva teared up a bit. "So young, already an orphan..." She took Harry in her arms and she placed him on number four, Privet Drive's doorstep. She crouched down on the unconscious figure of Dumbledore, and felt around his robes (to her enjoyment) for the letter. She found it and tucked it in Harry's blanket.

"Well, shall we go?" Minerva asked.

Hagrid looked down on the crumpled heap that was Albus Dumbledore, and smirked. "Not just yet."

They shaved off Dumbledore's prized beard. They took his eyeglasses, super hip hat, robes, tights and leotards. They apparated to Diagon Alley, sold Dumbledore's beard and belongings, and eloped to Vegas.

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