Trigger warning for depression and suicidal thoughts for especially this chapter and for a lot of this story. If you think this story might give you trouble, please don't read it.
It's not that she regrets her decision. She regrets the pain it caused. She regrets that it took her so long and she regrets her mother's hysteria over the phone the next day, but she could never, ever regret Jackson Avery. Even though they're fighting over something that might not be reconcilable, even though he said God doesn't exist, and even though she has no idea how they would go forward, she knows that running back down the aisle was the best decision she's ever made.
She loves Jackson, with all her heart. She loves her family, too. And Arizona, and Meredith and Cristina. She also loves Alex and Derek, but she guesses in a way they're all part of her family, too. She loves in her life, and she knows she's loved in return. But she can't really feel it anymore.
See, she's been living with a secret for a while now. Her secret isn't an affair or another job or another life; her secret is a feeling. Her secret is an aching hollowness; her secret is a weight in her chest. She can't really pinpoint when it started this time around, but she can remember the first time she ever felt it. She was 21.
It's cold out. She didn't bring a jacket. But it's ok, she thinks, because a jacket will seem pretty insignificant to whoever it is that has to remove her body from the pavement, with her bones as crushed as her soul.
She tries praying one last time, but the end result is the same. Her faith has given her so much throughout her life, but whatever saving power Jesus has for her has run out. She's at the end of her rope. He's not going to save her now. She's already taken too much from him. He probably hates her, she thinks. Suicide is a sin and she's asked him to talk her out of it too many times.
Hell. That's where she's probably going. She's never really liked to think of anyone going to hell. She doesn't believe nonbelievers go to hell, or gay people, or even necessarily murderers. It's so complicated, much more complicated than she could ever understand. But she just knows that someone like her isn't worthy of heaven. She's been saved too many times.
Saved by Jesus, saved by Jackson, saved by Owen offering her a job as a surgeon again, saved with another chance at the boards, saved by the shooter at the hospital. She's not worthy anymore. But was she ever really?
I'm not worthy of this life anymore, she thinks. And she's not entirely sure this life is worth living anymore because she can't seem to enjoy anything anymore, even though there's so much her life to rejoice in. The pain will probably go away again like it always seems to, but it also always seems to come back.
She takes another step forward. She's at the edge now- one more step and it's all gone; she's gone. She pauses for a moment, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to remember all the good. Even with a life like hers, she still thinks her last moment should be a happy one. Jackson's smile flashes through her mind one last time and she smiles too, ready to take the last step-
"Kepner?"
1-800-273-TALK(8255) please don't hesitate to call if you or someone else needs help! Life is worth living!