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Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.
Chapter 1: A Fate Worse Than Death
There was a deafening hush in the great hall as the Lady Hokage looked down at the kneeling prisoner before her. Everyone had their own idea about what she was about to say, or about what they thought she should say. There was a strong support for both extremes of the topic at hand. However, none but the Hokage herself knew just where the final judgement would lay within those boundaries.
In a few moments, all would know, including the former missing nin---turned captured missing nin---kneeling before Konoha's leader.
Tsunade cast a stern glare at the murmuring crowd, silently demanding that they shut up, or else. Not all took the hint, which earned them a hefty wallop to the side of their skulls by a few scrolls traveling Mach Three, direct from the Hokage's hands. Oooh, her hospital would have patients after this! Yay! She had to keep her medic-nins on their toes, after all.
Once the silence she sought was given, the Lady Hokage looked down at the open scroll before her, rereading its contents carefully. The aggravation of the spectators at having quieted down only to have their curiosity unsatisfied did not go unnoticed by her. Indeed, Tsunade had opted to remain silent just to tick them off. Hey! They had been ignoring her before, yapping away, making her five alarm hangover mutate into a seismic catastrophe of the brain.
Soon, sake. Soon…
Deciding that she had tortured the ninjas---who had gathered in the great hall for this very memorable occasion---enough, the Godaime quietly cleared her throat (opting for manners over her usual vulgarity; after all, this was an official public humiliation---or, public sentencing, rather; she had a façade of dignity to maintain), and raised her gaze to the young man on the floor before her.
Levelling a stern gaze at the prisoner---complete with a brow furrow, narrowed eyes, and hands-as-a-chin-rest---the Hokage began the proceedings.
"Uchiha Sasuke," Tsunade spoke strongly, ensuring everyone could hear absolutely everything she was about to say.
Said person merely maintained his inexpressive face, looking every bit like a guy sitting on a park bench watching old people feed ducks while pondering which geriatric would likely die first and by what means. In short, he was the visualization of apathetic.
Seeing this, Tsunade grinned evilly inside. Oh, we're going to see some movement on that mug of yours today, boy. Just you wait.
The Hokage continued on. "You have been charged with and found guilty of the crime of treason, which is punishable by death." She let the sentence hang for a few moments, noticing some nervous and some excited murmurs coming from the crowd. However the Uchiha before her didn't shift a cell.
Your smack-bottom is coming brat.
"Do you have anything you wish to say before I read you the final verdict?"
An immediate shake of the head gave the Hokage a negative on her offer.
Still so composed, eh? I'll see you quivering in agony by the end of the day.
"In that case, I will read you the verdict." Tsunade shifted the open scroll on the large bench before her, glancing over the phrases she already knew by heart, since she penned them herself.
This is going to be so sweet! I hope Sakura can forgive me, but darn it all if that little brat-faced Uchiha doesn't deserve it!
"Uchiha Sasuke. Having been found guilty of treason, but with no other criminal acts in evidence, and lacking any inflicted or intended harm to Konoha, you are hereby sentenced to five months of community service, to be followed by a full review of your behaviour during said months to assess your eligibility for having your ninja credentials as a Leaf-nin reinstated. During this time, you will not leave the village, nor will you receive any missions. You are to report to your assigned probation officer once every week. This officer will also arrange your community service activities."
"And who would this probation officer be?" the Uchiha asked, blandly. Could colours be converted into oral form, he would have been spewing greys and beiges with how disinterested he sounded.
The slightest of demon-grins shadowed Tsunade's lips at this. Glee was beginning to bubble up within her usually depressed and thoroughly wasted inner being.
It's a comin', Uchiha. Oh ho ho, it's a comin'!
With a control over her inner emotions that only comes from dealing with someone as annoying and moronic as Naruto every day, the Lady Hokage answered. "Maito Gai."
"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"
A whirlwind of green and neon orange hurled itself at the area between the seated Hokage and the kneeling Uchiha.
Once the swirling debris cleared, an image of utmost horror (to any sane shinobi) was revealed to the mumbling crowd. There, in all his Youthful splendour, stood Maito Gai, "Good Guy" pose already in place, teeth set to go "Ping!" after his greeting.
Once the crowd quieted slightly, Gai began his thoroughly practiced introduction. "I, Maito Gai, shall be the shining light, to guide our wayward Sasuke back to the Way of Youth!" He then raised his already aloft arm higher, reiterating his "Good Guy" pose, and his smile made its long awaited "Ping!" sound.
Every ninja in the room---except Lee, who just mimicked his idol---cringed in undisguised revulsion at the sensei's "Youthful" display.
If Gai noticed, he didn't even flinch. On the contrary, he held his pose for about five seconds longer than normal, like he thought that alone would stoke the fires of Youth within all who had gathered there, and cause them to leap to their feet, shouting, "YOSH! GAI-SENSEI!" and return the "Good Guy" pose to him. That of course (and thankfully) didn't happen.
After a few moments of awkward silence (awkward for everyone else, completely normal for Gai), he assumed a less off-putting stance and turned to the prisoner before him.
"Sasuke; student of my eternal rival. I shall put all the Power of Youth that I possess into igniting the Fire of Youth within you once again! Once five months are up, I guarantee you will be blazing fully in the Springtime of Youth!" Gai shouted for all to hear, then gave another "Good Guy" pose just for Sasuke, and flashed his "Ping!"tastic smile.
Sasuke twitched slightly, in the throes of a mild seizure caused by too many flashing smiles and blinding green and orange, and so much shiny hair, and oh the thumbs-ups, and…and…it was just too much Gai!
Then he understood what a fate worse than death was.
Oh, that old hag was evil. Everyone thought Orochimaru was the bad apple of the three legendary Sannin. Boy did they get that wrong. Clearly, the Slug Sannin was the vilest, most twisted of the group. The sister of the Devil; no doubt about it.
While Sasuke considered defecting again just to get out of his current situation, his team-mates were trying to absorb what was going on. Well, Sakura was trying to be strong for "her" Sasuke-kun, preparing a speech to give him about not giving up; it was only five months of torture after all, right? Naruto, on the other hand, was laughing himself out of his seat.
"Super-eyebrows is gonna be Sasuke-teme's sensei! AH HA HA HA! Serves that jerk right for leaving us! Now he's gonna get his! Dattebayo!" Naruto shouted, amidst fits of very unmanly giggles. (Kakashi's giggling episodes during his "Icha Icha Paradise" reading were rubbing off on Naruto in a very disconcerting way.)
"Naruto," Sakura hissed. "You're actually enjoying seeing your best friend be put through something like this?"
"Of course! He's gonna be hearing nothing but 'Youth this' and 'Springtime of Youth that'! It's gonna be hell for him! Hah! Dattebayo!"
"And what if he turns out like Lee-san?" she asked quietly.
Naruto froze for a moment. "Explain."
Sakura sighed. It wasn't that she didn't like Lee. The boy was extremely sweet. She just wasn't so sure that having two people with his unique brand of energy running around would make for the most stable environment. Especially if that other person was Sasuke. It just seemed wrong.
"What if he starts spouting things about the Springtime of Youth and gives "Good Guy" poses everywhere he goes? How does that sound to you?"
Naruto shuddered, picturing Sasuke in a Green Spandex Jumpsuit, his spiky hair tamed into a bowl cut, fake eyebrows glued on to make them thick, and giving a "Good Guy" pose with a smile (double shudder) that goes "Ping!".
"That…would be…absolutely…AWESOME!!! Dattebayo!" Naruto shouted.
Sakura stared at him in disbelief.
"We could call him EMO-eyebrows, or something!" he continued, still picturing Sasuke morphed into a clone of Gai or Lee.
"You can't be serious."
"Dattebayo!"
Sakura cringed at her team-mate's catchphrase. "Naruto, every time you say that, a puppy gets run over and an angel loses its wings."
Naruto paused in his laughing fit to move a little too close to his female companion; shocking blue eyes staring intently into uncomfortable green ones. "Every time I say what, Sakura-chan?" he asked innocently, looking every bit like the previously mentioned puppy (prior to being run over, of course, because then he'd look like a mass of biological mush. Okay…ewww).
Trying desperately to not go cross-eyed from Naruto's too-close too-bright eyes, and to ignore the heavy ramen breath replacing her sweet, sweet oxygen, Sakura inched away, ever so slightly, and said, "When you say, 'Dattebayo'."
The boy infringing on her personal space scrunched up his face in fierce concentration. He then shook his head and replied, "I don't say that, Sakura-chan."
Sakura's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Naruto," she started hesitantly. "You say it after nearly every sentence."
The addressed guy furrowed his brow and shook his head again. "Nope. I've never said that in my life. You must be hearing me wrong, Sakura-chan." Then his face lit up, glowing like a lantern, as his eyes grew big and shiny. "Maybe that's why you always turn down my date offers! You don't understand what I'm saying! Dattebayo!" Triumphant fireworks flashed in the back of Naruto's mind, while Sakura wilted at the turn this conversation was taking.
"No, Naruto, you moron! I don't misunderstand you. I know exactly what you say, I just don't want to go out with you!" she whispered heatedly, suddenly aware of the small scene they were beginning to cause. Then she added, "And you do so say 'Dattebayo' after almost every sentence. You just said it."
"When?"
"Just now! After, 'You don't understand what I'm saying!', then you said it!"
"You heard wrong Sakura-chan. Dattebayo!" And with that, Naruto turned back to face the front, restoring Sakura's precious personal bubble, and watched the continuing events.
Sakura merely sat there, dazedly staring in confused awe at the epic disaster that was Naruto's short-term memory.
Back at the front of the hall, the third member of the original Team Seven was also staring at another in a dazed awe, though for very different and very disturbing reasons.
"You've got to be kidding me," Sasuke said lowly, dark eyes narrowed on the Godaime.
The Lady Hokage grinned evilly at the kneeling Uchiha. "Oh I'm quite serious, Sasuke. Five years of betrayal being repaid with five months of community service? I think I'm being overly generous to you. I'm practically rewarding you for going AWOL." She leaned forward and whispered so only Sasuke and Gai could hear her. "You will comply with this punishment or I swear I will hand down a ruling that is a hundredfold worse."
Sasuke snorted. "What could possibly be worse than this? I'd take death over this!" he hissed.
The Godaime smiled far-too sweetly and said, "I'd let your fan-girls have you and do with you as they like."
Sasuke paled about seven shades and shrank about a foot. Scratch her being just the sister of the Devil; she was the Devil!
Tsunade's smile widened a degree. She'd hit the right spot. But just to ensure it… "You've been gone for five years, but they're as rabid and numerous as ever. Your criminal status seems to have added to your "danger appeal". There are more of them than you can even fathom. And there's no telling what they would do if they got their hands on you."
The Uchiha gulped, though he tried valiantly to hide it. Gai or fan-girls? Gai or fan-girls? Were these really his options? He couldn't believe he was about to do this. Oh how the mighty have fallen…
"Fine."
"What was that Uchiha? I didn't hear you?" Tsunade bellowed, catching everyone's attention so they could witness the first of many public humiliations to bear down on the captured nin.
Evil old hag.
She heard him. He knew she had heard him. She just wanted everyone else to hear it too.
What a sadist.
"Fine. I accept the terms and will abide by the rules you have laid out," he muttered through a tight jaw, and had his chakra not been drained and kept at minimum levels during his incarceration, his Sharingan would have been activated and spinning like a juiced-up merry-go-round.
Murmurs swept through the crowd, but the Hokage ignored them and just smiled triumphantly down at the properly humbled nin. "Good!" she cried. "Your community service begins tomorrow! You are dismissed." With that she stood and exited the hall, her advisors and attendant trailing after.
A police nin walked over to him and released his bonds, allowing him to stand.
While most of the other ninjas began filing out of the room, the one he really wished would go with them remained standing before him.
Gai took a step closer and flashed, what Sasuke assumed was meant to be an assuring smile. "Get a lot of rest tonight, Sasuke! You will need your energy to be at its peak for tomorrow's Youth-building activities! The Springtime of Youth awaits you!" And with that, Gai ran off to goodness knows where to do Lord knows what. He was gone. That was all that mattered.
Three figures approached him from behind, schadenfreude spewing off of one of them in bubbly waves, which could only mean one thing…
"TEME!!! You better get those thumbs stretched out and make ready for all the "Good Guy" posing. And exercise that ugly face of yours while you're at it; those flashy smiles take a lot of practice!" came Naruto's obnoxiously loud greeting, closely followed by a screechy "OWW!" after his female team-mate clobbered his noggin.
"Naruto, you idiot! I can't believe you're enjoying this!" Sakura muttered at the thoroughly damaged blonde.
"Sakura-chaaan!" Naruto whined, as Naruto often does.
"Shut it, dobe," Sasuke snapped. As strangely comforting as his old team-mates' antics were, Naruto's whimpering was just too much of a nuisance for him at the moment.
Naruto, being Naruto, didn't give a care if he was being irritating. Sasuke had just insulted him. He had to answer for that!
"What did you call me, teme?!" he cried, voice rising dangerously close to his most annoying screech, which he reserved for the more…ah…profound arguments he had with his best friend. This meaning, of course, that their "conversation" was on the flight path to inanity and Sasuke had a first-class ticket, courtesy of Naruto. Oh, no one knew just how much he did not need this right now!
"Dobe, just shut up. I don't need to listen to your idiocy today." He paused, and after thinking, added, "Actually, I don't need your idiocy any day. See what you can do about that, yeah?" Sasuke then turned and headed out of the building, feeling a need for the blessed silence and solitude of his own home.
Tomorrow, the gates of Hell were being opened, and Sasuke knew he was going to have to walk on through.
To be continued…
Guttersnipe's Word: This was actually supposed to be a one-shot, but I kept thinking of too many ways to torture and degrade Sasuke (I don't hate him, honest!), that I decided to change it into a chapter fic. It won't be that long, of course. The next update will be soon, since it's practically finished. And there will actually be some stuff happening in the next chapter, unlike this one. (I tend to get caught up in the little things, and end up going on for a few pages about inconsequential stuff instead of important things, like the plot. (It's sort of like what I'm doing right now.) Please forgive my wandering mind.) So, I hope you keep with this thing, and please review. (And by "please" I mean, "Do it, or the Kool-Aid Jug Man and his cup minions will rain down fruit punch flavoured destruction on you and yours.") (And don't tell me that you're not afraid of the Kool-Aid Jug Man. That guy is freaky. I used to have nightmares about him and his cup minions chasing and swallowing me, so that I was drowning in red Kool-Aid. One of my brothers had the same dream, except the juice was purple, and my friend also had the same dream, except the juice was orange and there were no cup minions. I know there has to be more out there like us. Don't be afraid. You're not alone anymore.)
Coming Soon: I, According to Me: This is a chapter fic I recently began. It's not really a story; it's just an introspective series that focuses on the inner thoughts or feelings the characters have about themselves, i.e. how they see themselves and how they wish they were perceived, as opposed to how others see them. Each chapter is dedicated to one character, the first one being Naruto, the second Sasuke, et cetera. Hopefully it won't be as boring as this description sounds.
Redundancy is the flour in the mix life. Therefore I shall not be afraid to repeat myself and I shall not be afraid to repeat myself. "Please" review.