Thank you to MrsBates93 for her wonderful Beta'ing

I knew how it was going to end even before it began.

Because, in hindsight, you really enjoyed the attention he gave you.

"Lily, go out with me." "Will you go out with me?" "Let's go to Hogsmeade together, just you and me."

You always said no of course, and there was always a spark of hope and pleasure every single time.

Because whilst James made it no secret that he wanted you, I kept my feelings about you to myself. Choosing to cheer him on and pretending to console him when you reacted with odium. I didn't know what that word meant until Remus said it one day; I went to the library and looked it up. Widespread hatred and disgust. Reading those words made me happier than I had been in a long time and the hope returned.

But what I didn't realise was that you thought of me in that way too. I was young and foolish, yes I admit that now.

I even defended you against Snape. After he called you that horrible, disgusting word, I promised to get revenge. So I told him about Remus, it was meant to be a prank but it backfired horribly. I know you remember it, it was the first time you had spoken properly to me since first year.

xXxXxXx

"Black?" Lily stopped as she saw Sirius lying face down on the couch, his face buried in a cushion. She took a hesitant step forward, glancing around for his friends. No sign of them.

"Go away." The sound was muffled by the cushion.

Lily noticed that his body was shaking and when she listened she heard the unmistakeable sound of sobbing. She knelt down next to him, her hand in mid-air as she contemplated resting it on his shoulder to comfort him. She had never seen Sirius this way before, he had always come across as unbreakable and uncaring, she had hurled a fair number of insults his way and he had always shrugged them off as though they meant nothing. But now, he looked defeated.

"Black. I can see that you're upset about something; you don't have to tell me about it but… I'm, I'm going to just sit here, okay. Because I really don't know what else to do and you look like you need someone right now." As much as she may hate the boy her conscience would never let her leave him while he was in this state. It would plague her mind until she knew he was, at the very least, calm again.

He turned his head, exposing red, puffy eyes and tear streaked cheeks. "What if I don't want you here?"

"I'm staying, whether you want it or not." She crossed her arms. "And I think you need it, even if you won't admit it."

He seemed to think about it, closing his eyes and sighing. "I do need it." He opened his eyes. "I need you now."

Lily leant forward a bit, wondering if maybe she would get something from him. "What about Potter, Pettigrew and Lupin? They know you better." Even though she was here with him, she doubted he would fully open up to her.

"They aren't talking to me at the moment. I kind of did something horrible."

"Have you tried saying sorry? That's usually the first step."

"Of course I have," he said it more harshly than he intended. "What I did, it can't be fixed with a simple sorry. It's worse than anything I've ever done before. I really blew it this time." He sighed and closed his eyes again.

Lily shuffled forward and put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it in a comforting motion.

xXxXxXx

That night was the first time I realised just how much I loved you. You hated me then and yet you still stayed with me. I eventually sorted things out with James, Peter and especially Remus and things didn't appear to have changed.

But they had changed and only someone who was paying close attention would have noticed the slight change in our behaviour towards each other. There were still enough insults traded but most were said in jest and with the look that only we knew about.

Because for the second time I had betrayed one of my best friends.

It was all the secret meetings in empty classrooms and stolen glances in the hallway. Heated kisses and fervent touches. I don't think either of us really knew when it really started; all I knew was that I didn't know I loved you so much until you were mine.

We managed to keep our relationship a secret until seventh year, we even fooled Remus and that boy is as sharp as anything. James remained oblivious, continuing to ask you out incessantly and you continued to turn him down time and time again. For them, nothing changed.

But by Christmas I could see that something had changed. We hadn't been spending as much time together, drifting apart is what you called it when you decided to break my heart. I never told you that you did that to me. I just agreed with you and after one final kiss we parted ways.

It was maybe a month after that that you finally said yes to James. You asked me if I was fine with you two dating and I said that I always knew that you would end up with him. I think you knew it too because you never argued or tried to deny it.

Yes, looking back I always knew how it would end. But that doesn't mean I regret it.