I was inspired to write this story 2 years ago after hearing Miranda Lambert's song "House that Built Me." It took me this long to get around to actually doing it! This is a follow up to a previous story I did titled "Back on Track." It can be read as a stand alone, but there will be things from that story referenced in this one. LightWoman-if you're still around, I hope you enjoy the continuation of your Secret Santa fic! (Better late than never-right?) ;)

Chapter 1: Lost in this Old World

"You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am"

It's been two weeks since Claire's death and Gillian can't seem to shake this sadness that has overtaken her. She's hardly sleeping and her appetite is pathetic. The psychologist in her knows she is going through the normal grief reactions. The woman in her knows she has been through these phases of the grief process before-several times. This one feels different. She can't quite figure out how, but it just does.

She sits in her office on a Thursday afternoon and as she stares out the window she is struck with an idea. She turns to her calendar and checks her schedule for Friday. It's clear except for a possible new client that she is supposed to vet in the morning. She could get Cal, or maybe Torres, since she doesn't want to scare them off, to meet with them instead. Yes, that's what she'll do.

It's a little after 6 when she shuts down her computer and turns off the lights in her office. She makes her way to Cal's office. She knows he hasn't left yet. They always check in with each other at the end of the day and she hasn't seen him since early in the afternoon. She probably should have told him about her plans sooner, but she knows why she didn't. Cal has been very attentive lately, and while she understands it's because he cares about her and knows she is having trouble with Claire's death, she feels as if she should take this next step on her own. If she told him her plans earlier he would rearrange his own schedule for the weekend and insist on going with her. While she wouldn't be entirely opposed to that, she thinks it would be a bit much to burden him with. She feels a lot of emotion around this visit and she's leaned on Cal so much over the past few weeks. Taking this trip with her would be a lot to ask of him. Plus, there are a lot of things he doesn't know about her and she isn't quite sure she's ready to share everything.

Gillian enters his office and finds him on the phone. She quietly sits in the chair in front of his desk. She smiles as she realizes he is talking to Emily. He's giving her a hard time about something. She loves the relationship he has with his daughter. It warms her heart to watch them interact.

"…And how much is this little trip gonna cost me?" Cal looks at her and grins. It's the look he gets when he is relentlessly aggravating his daughter. "Well, in that case, you have my blessing." He listens a little more. "No boys, right?" He waits for her answer. "Are Hannah's parents going to be there the whole time?" He smiles at Gillian as she sits and grins back while shaking her head. "I guess I can agree to that. So, when do you leave?" Cal leans back in his chair. "All right then. I'll be home shortly. I'll grab something for dinner." He listens for her response. "Ok. Love you too." He hangs up. He looks at Gillian. "Want to come over for Thai? I told Em I'd bring dinner home."

Gillian smiles, but shakes her head. "Thanks, but I have to pack tonight." She watches his eyebrows shoot up in question. "I'm going away for the weekend." She looks at the floor as she tells him.

Cal pops out of his chair and comes around to lean on his desk right in front of her. "A spontaneous trip? That's not like you." He crosses his arms and waits until she looks up at him. "What's going on love? You okay?"

"I'm fine Cal. I just feel… I need to…" she let's out a long sigh and looks back at the floor. She says, more quietly this time, "I'm fine Cal."

Cal moves to sit in the chair beside her. As he sits, he slides the chair so their knees are practically touching. "Look at me and say that."

Gillian rolls her eyes as she looks at him. "I'm fine Cal."

"Hm. Not all together a lie. But you're holding out on something." He leans back in the chair, which leaves his knees still right next to hers and puts him in his favorite slouch position. "So, where you headed then?"

Gillian takes in a deep breath before she says "Poplar Grove." He gives her a confusing look as if to say 'where?' "North Carolina."

"Home." Cal squints at her and studies her face like her pores might start literally speaking to him. "Why's this come up suddenly?"

Gillian squirms a little in her seat. She looks everywhere but at him when she says "I just feel like I... I don't know why really, it's just something I feel I need to do."

Cal wants to ask if he can go with her, but he hesitates. She's been very good these past few weeks with telling him exactly what she needed. Now, she's being cryptic. But, he doesn't feel like she is hiding something, just that she seems confused. About what he has no idea, but he has to trust her to know what she needs. "Okay love. Is there anything you need me to do for you?"

Gillian feels almost disappointed that he didn't invite himself to go like she expected him to. She covers it quickly and hopes he didn't see it. In her head she chastises herself for feeling that way. Wasn't she just saying how she should go by herself? How Cal had been so wonderful lately and how it would be unfair for her to burden him with this trip? "No, but thank you."

Cal gets up and goes back around his desk. "So, when you leaving?"

"Um, probably around ten in the morning. After rush hour."

Cal can't help but think something is off, but he can't put his finger on it. "You'll be coming back on Sunday?"

"Yes. Probably late Sunday evening." Gillian stands and puts her coat on.

"You sure you're okay to go by yourself?" Cal watches her closely as he asks the question.

Gillian takes a deep breath and looks down before answering "Yeah, I'm sure. I'll be fine." She buttons her coat and adds "A long drive will do me good." She doesn't quite believe either of those statements and she catches herself right as she shrugs her shoulder. She immediately does something with her coat hoping Cal will think she shrugged on purpose to straighten it.

Cal catches the shrug and knows she doesn't believe at least part of what she just said, if not all. He wishes she would just ask him to go. He's not sure why she isn't. Is it that she really wants to be alone or does she think it will inconvenience him? "Okay." He comes back around the desk and goes to give her a hug. "Well drive safe and call me if you need to." He pulls her in tightly against him. "I mean that Gill. You need anything, you call."

She squeezes him tight in return. "I will. Thank you." She holds on a little longer than she thinks she should. She feels so much stronger when he's around. She thinks she needs to leave now before she breaks downs and asks him to go with her. "Have a good weekend."

"You too. Be safe." Cal watches as she walks to the door. "Good night love."

She doesn't turn around. She says "Goodnight" over her shoulder and keeps walking.

Cal sits at his desk staring at the door she just went through. That was an odd conversation. It's as if she wants him to go but she just won't ask him. She doesn't want to put me out. "That's bollocks." He thinks back on the conversation. The disappointment she tried to hide, the confusion, and the shoulder shrug. He jumps up to leave for the day. He figures he'll pick up dinner, eat with Emily and then pack so he can be at Gillian's house by 8:30 in the morning. He knows her. She hasn't been sleeping well lately, even though she won't quite admit it to him. She'll be awake early and will leave right at the tail end of rush hour. He'll be there ready to go when she is. Hopefully I'm reading this right… He thinks as he locks up the office for the night.

TBC