Letter To Phoebe
(The Illustrious Crackpot)
Dear Phoebe,
Sorry it took so long to get this note to you and all, but these goddam doctors won't let me alone. They really won't. All the time one of them is doing something to me, seeing how I feel and if I need anything and that sort of thing. They're all quite phony, since they don't give a damn how I feel except Mom and Dad are paying for it and all. Some of them are nice, though. There's this one doctor, Doctor Singer, who's always fluffing my pillow. I mean I don't ask him to, he just goes and does it. Even if he just did it a minute ago, he'll go and do it again if he feels like it.
Boy, this's been a helluva month. I mean with all the stuff after I left Pencey and all. I don't think I ought to have gone, I mean, flunking all those subjects and all, but that place just killed me. I mean, they were all phonies, for Chrissake. If the next school's not full of phonies like Pencey I think I might apply myself. I really think I will. I mean it.
I don't think I told you about old Sunny. I don't think I want to, since you're a kid and all. I mean, she was an OK kind of girl, but not someone you want to horse around with. Only, she might've been if I hadn't met her like that and all. But that's why I'm thinking of applying myself in school like Mr. Antolini said, since I don't want to end up like her, not having a real job or anything. She mighta been a real smart kid, but I dunno. I mean it's hard to tell, since smart people don't always do smart things and all that crap. But thinking about Sunny and all and what she's doing just depresses the hell out of me, and I don't ever want to do anything to depress the hell out of you. So I'll try to apply myself this year, Phoebe. I really will.
Did you go to the Museum of Natural History with your class? I think you did. I mean I met this kid who said you were going, when I helped her with her skates. But anyway I almost went to the museum myself, I mean, I walked all the way over there and was having a helluva good time remembering going there when I was a kid. But then I started to get all goddam depressed about it and I couldn't go in. It just depressed the hell out of me, it really did. Since it wouldn't be the same and all. I mean there'd be the same Indians, and that crazy witch doctor and that Eskimo who already caught two fish, but it wouldn't've been the same. I mean, I wasn't the same, and it depressed the hell out of me. Boy, I've been thinking about that a lot since I got in here. I'm a little sorry I ever told anyone about it, since all the goddam phony doctors keep asking me about it and all. For Chrissake, I can't sneeze without them asking about it. Only it's kind of a good thing, since I got to thinking about it and all. Now I figure it's no use getting depressed over it, I mean, I've been different for a goddam long time, and I know however many times I'd go back, it'd never be exactly the same. Only I still don't think I'll be able to go back there again. I mean, I know I shouldn't get depressed about it, but it still depresses the hell out of me.
The phone's depressing the hell out of me too. Especially that old Jane Gallagher. I never called her. I swear to God I will, though, someday I will. Only every time I try to, I always figure her school hasn't ended or her mother will answer the phone or something. But I swear to God I'll call her.
Boy, I still don't know why I went on old Stradlater like that when he came back that one night, I mean from his date with Jane and all. I guess I was pretty worried about her. I really was. I mean you didn't know old Stradlater. But I shouldn't be telling you about it, Phoebe, I mean, because of you being a kid and all. Only I still don't think much happened with her and Stradlater. I mean I probably was just worried for no reason. I swear to God I'll call her.
Boy, I can be real crazy sometimes, I mean, getting so worked up about it like that. Maybe I just miss old Jane or something. But I'm probably just a madman. I mean, I have to be if they stuck me in here and all.
For Chrissake, these goddam doctors still won't let me alone. I got to go now, Phoebe, the phonies want some phony answers to some goddam phony questions. So I'll see you the next time I can.
Love,
HOLDEN
P.S. Did you ask DB about the ducks?