A Very Un-Happy Season's Greetings From Nny (Revised)

WARNINGS: Insane Blathering, VERY Questionable Language (Mostly gratuitous use of the word FUCK & all of it's counterparts), Violence, Angst-ness, Nonsense, & General Johnny The Homicidal Maniac Badness. Hee hee.

(This was found among the many rumpled packages of Cheese Numbs, some 24/7 cups containing red dye that seemed to have once held a Cherry Doom, and more than one rolled up paper ball with a scribbled-on sketches of a Happy Noodle Boy comic. Dark red stains are dotted across it, and the letters themselves are jagged, as though they were stabbed into the paper with a pen rather than written. It's dated October 10, 2006, and was found on the floor in 777 Mutil-Tion Road- the "abandoned" house.)

Dear Die-ary,

I can remember when these times of the year were my favorite. When I was a kid, I used to be able to make the best costume, because I spent months working on it, and I was able to stay out the longer than any other kid. I also got the most candy than any other kid- mainly because I, unlike many other kids, I carried an actual knife- no wobbly plastic, and I used to threaten any other kids I wanted to once I couldn't extort most of the candy from the housemother's I came across anymore- they eventually always locked the door, or ran out. I think that was when I did my first slash wound to another person's arm- when I was 9. Remembering those Halloweens sometimes makes me...

No.

No, I've realized that I'm failing- failing at making myself emotionally detached, and I've been fighting this for about a decade, and even though I realize that I'm slipping, I shouldn't make things worse by mentioning things as filthy as feelings.

Heh. I thought that by this time in my life, I'd be in jail somewhere once this curse of never being caught lifted, I'd finally be dead for real, or I'd be on a mother ship somewhere in space. But, none of these things have happened; I'm still, basically, uncatchable, I'm STILL a flusher, and although I'm sure I've been abducted more than a couple of times (I've had long stretches of time in which I could account for nothing happening... wait... maybe I was just sleeping), I'm still... here. Kinda. I've been able to grow my hair back from when I tried to kill myself, but ended up meeting Senior Satan & God instead, but I found that I rather liked my earlier look better- y'know, with just my two bangs growing out. Also, I've done some growing over the years, since I've come back home for a little while to write in this again before hitting the road once more.

First of all, as bad as this... earthen plane of existence (in my case, it's probably more like "Non"- existence) is better than Heaven. Or Hell. I don't know which would be worse- being placed in a dining chair to stare into space blissfully for the remainder of eternity, or having Senior Satan turn into that CHEERLEADER again. Well, having to listen to that whole city full of lint ladies, cream-cheese spazzes, and contact-lens guys might just be the worst, heh.

Also, I've decided that I like living in my car more than living in this place again. At least the voices in my head (what's still existing in there, at least) can't characterize themselves as objects around me any longer. I've also long since fed Reverend Meat into a woodchipper, but I live in fear of him coming back- as much as I dread the return of Psycho Doughboy and Mr. Fuck. If there was ever one that I missed, it would've had to of been Nail Bunny- at least he made as much sense as anybody in my world ever could, I suppose...

I've also come begun to come to terms with Devi turning me down. I miss her, but...

I hate this! I hate feeling! I fucking hate this- I hate this body, this body that produces shit, piss, sweat, and tears, I hate these... feelings... that come out when I think about...

(There's a lot of scribbling here, where a lot of things were crossed out. It's as long as half of the page.)

Anyway, I guess I'll have to get to what I wanted to say. First of all, If you ever find this Devi, I hope the thought of me still doesn't make you feel like projectile vomiting- that's all I can ask for, I suppose. Yes, I realize that I... promised that I'd give you my Nothing, but you're the only person I've ever really...

Anyway, even though I know that you're married and have a nice little 7 year old girl, I...

Y'know, I've followed her to school a couple of times when I've been in the city. I even disemboweled a boy who was picking on her one day. Heh, I wonder if you ever heard of that murder? Anyway, she's nice- you seem to be feeding her well, which is more than I think that anyone can say for my fucking parents. I don't remember much of my own upbringing, except that I can kind of remember my dad hitting me a couple of times when he saw a drawing I did (I don't know what happened to it) and calling me a pussy. I kind of based Happy Noodle Boy on what I used to look like- that's kind of what kids called me when I was a little kid, you know- noodle boy. Except I wasn't happy. I should have been-

(More illegible words crossed out here, the only word that can be read are the words, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING HOLES).

I guess you're also paying attention to her- which is more than can be said for Squee and his upbringing. By the way, have you ever met him? He was little when I met him, so I don't know how old he'd be now.

I tried calling your old number a while ago- but I guess you've gotten rid of the old number a while ago, huh? Got a new cell phone, along with the rest of the ignorant herd as well. I liked the old landlines better; at least they weren't controlled by a fucking alien confederation, no? I could've gone looking for your new number, but I figured against it.

O.K, enough about you, Devi, I guess I should move on, since I don't know when and if I'll be back here again. Oh, also, I hope your Halloween is... (a lot of words were crossed out here) enjoyable.

Psycho & Mr. Fuck- If you two are still there somewhere (I don't know where you guys went or if you're still there) I left a bowl of candy there, so if you can, (the words, "hand out candy to any kids" has been scratched out) give out candy to kids who don't look as though they're going to grow up to be a part of the delusioned mass. Oh, also, don't give any to anyone above the age of 15, anyone wearing a "The Crow", fairy, or anything particularly "emo" costume. I know coming from me it sounds hypocritical, but most of these said "emo" kids are just pretending to be dark. I swear, when I lived back here, it was "goth"- now it's emo! It's a never-fucking-ending merry-go-round of shit-tossing chimps! Fook! So, anyway, I don't approve of these pretenders, as they have no idea what true darkness is-

(More letters are scratched out in a furious manner. The only word legible are three names: Jimmy, Gwen, and Dillon.)

As well as that, make sure that you only give one out to each kid, and if Squee ever shows up, give him at least three. I don't know if he still trick or treats, but I attacked and sometimes kidnapped trick or treaters for candy until I was 20, so who knows?

Also, you'll notice the candy's not "fun" sized- geez, I can remember when I was a kid and they used to hand out Monarch-sized. When did fun sized become small?? I swear, if I wasn't busy trying to keep up with the 5 homeless people that buy Happy Noodle Boy, I'd plot ways to take down the companies that produce "fun-sized" candy!

I guess I'd better go now- I'm planning on painting the top of my car with a bull's eye, in case I get abducted again, so that they can return me to the right place, and not back here. I don't know what I'll do if I ever forget where my car is- last time, I had to hobble a 17-year old driving at night for the car I have now. I figure that I did a good deed for once, you know, not killing her- but I think I negated the good-ness when I ran her over while trying to drive away. That dent's still in the back of the car, ha ha, as well as her blood stain.

Anyway, in case I didn't mention it before, happy holidays. I mean, as much happiness one can have without really, err... umm... being happy, or smiling, or anything...

(It ends here with a badly drawn stick figure with huge black eyes wearing long, black cape, carrying a bloody knife with a bubble above his head that says, "FUCKING BLOODLESS JABBY-KNIFE HUMPING SQUIRRELS!", and the word, "Nny" is written at the bottom.)

Author's Note: (Thanks, TTFAN, I appreciated it) In case it's not apparent, I'm not Jhonen. But, I've always loved Nny- as messed-up and unquestionably insane as he is. I also love Halloween, so I thought it'd be interesting to see if I could combine my two loves into one mutant child. So, for fans of JTHM, I hope you like my season's greetings- even if it was dated for last year. I meant to have this up one day earlier, but the website was buggy, and I finally managed to break through just now. Yay.

Anyway, the only information I had for this was from the original JTHM series- the Director's Cut version, so, yes, although I've heard of a Squee comic book series or something, I was only able to dredge up info from this, so if there's something from the Squee books I'm not aware of, sorry. Besides, Nny will always be my first love when it comes to comic books- he is, in fact, what made me fall head-over-heels for comic books, strips, and manga- something I doubt any other character could have done for me.

Also (in case you were offended), I don't REALLY hate "Emo" people or "Goth" folk. Much. But, I know mostly anyone reading this will consider themselves one of the two, so... suck it up. If you're as "dark" as you claim to be, you can handle a razzing from the poser-child of straight-jackets. To all of you with a good sense of humor who realize that this is just comedy, thank-you, thank-you for being so understanding- I really love all of you, just some of you make me scratch my head a little in confusion. Also, this idea wasn't completely original- I got this idea from reading a fic by justamirrorforthesun- in which a character from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory gives his holiday greetings to everyone in a letter. But it was for christmas- so I thought I'd give some love for Halloween.

Anyway, you got Nny's well-wishes (or as close as you're probably ever gonna get) so I'll just leave you with my own. I wish everyone a happy, eventful Halloween- AND DON'T GIVE OUT FUN-SIZED CANDY, FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY! Yeesh. There, I've said my peace.

--------------------------------------------------- Mad Red Queen