"Jess, this isn't worth the struggle!" Beca exasperatedly collapsed back on her bed, rolling over to face her husband.
"Beca, c'mon." He pulls her closer, snuggling her body into his and wrapping his arms around her, smiling lovingly at her.
"Jesse, I don't think I can handle another loss." She whimpers, dodging eye contact with him.
"No harm, no foul. We can't give up trying!" He encourages.
The two had been trying for over a year and a half to have a baby,struggling to conceive when Beca was diagnosed with PCOS, small cysts on her enlarged ovaries, but also staying pregnant was half of the battle. Beca's doctor had found a septum in her uterus, dividing it in half and making it impossible for the baby to grow, resulting in the loss of their two children. It could be removed, but that still wouldn't accommodate her PCOS.
Her gynecologist had told her that if the baby had been on one side over the other, she may have had a better chance. But both pregnancies resulted in loss and disappointment. At one point they were recommended to ivf treatment, but the two never saw it necessary. Until Chloe had sat down with Beca to have dinner, careful never to hound Beca of when she and Jesse were going to start a family, knowing the struggle her friend had gone through.
Instead, Chloe pulled her steaming cup of decaf toward her, lifting it right beneath her nose, inhaling the smell of the bitter beverage.
"Chloe, aren't you going to actually drink that?" Beca remarks.
"The way the steam warms my face, I don't know. It's sort of comforting." Chloe insists, and Beca rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, it really gives you a soft glow." Beca adds sarcastically.
"Shut up Becs." Chloe laughs.
Chloe sets her cup down and stirs it some more, but never brings the cup back to her lips, but instead politely pushes it to the side as if she had forgotten about it.
"Chloe?" Beca finally speaks up.
"Yeah?" She replies cluelessly.
"Is there a reason you're acting like the coffee is poisoned?"
Chloe bites the inside of her cheek, unsure of whether or not her news would startle Beca. She decided that there was no use in hiding it, because it still would change the fact that it was happening.
"I'm pregnant!" She exclaims.
Beca literally begins feeling the coffee burn it's way down her throat, the roof of her mouth sore as if the skin was peeling from it.
"Chloe, wow!" She says, trying to support her friend while hiding her disappointment that it wasn't her.
Beca reached for her napkin, unfolding and refolding until the creases weakened its hold and ripped it into two, trying to avoid eye contact with Chloe in order not to spoil the moment with what was bothering her. Beca didn't want to ruin the exciting moment by making it about her. She wanted to be there and happy for her friend.
"Beca?" Chloe acknowledged that her friend looked close to tears.
"Chlo, I'm happy for you, really. But it's tough. I've always imagined being pregnant with you, and having our kids grow up together." Her voice cracks, and she feels as though her words were bitter, even if they were meant with all sincerity.
Chloe's eyes turn to hurt, reddened by the stinging in the back of her eyes. Chloe was not only saddened by the loss, but also by the fact none other than being upset to see her friend hurting. She reached over for Beca's hands, only wanting to comfort her with actions, showing that she cared, rather than trying to convince Beca with words.
"Beca, even though I can't really place myself in your shoes, I promise you, the pain will be easier once you find your own ways to cope with it. The hurt never really goes away though, it just gets easier to handle." She consoles her, not trying to be too pushy.
"I've eaten twice my weight since we lost the baby. And it's a miracle that I got out of bed for another reason beside just going to the kitchen. Jesse and I are trying to cope, but it's tough." She grumbles.
"Beca, everyone copes in their own ways at their own pace. Some people take longer to heal than others, but it will get easier. It's always gonna hurt, but eventually you'll be able to deal better. But you need to talk about it, rather than shoving your feelings deeper down." Chloe consoles her.
"Chloe, i'm sorry, and I'm very excited for you! It's just, it's selfish to be complaining when I should be celebrating for you."
"You're not selfish! You're hurting, and it's totally natural to have these feelings. It's not fair, especially since I promised to help you." She assures her.
"Don't be sorry! You shouldn't wait to start a family until I have one! We'll figure something out, promise." Beca reassures her.
Beca's lips curl into a weak smile, feeling comfort from her friend, and Beca in that moment, decided to change her attitude, and though it wouldn't change how much hurt she felt, it did help give her a new and positive outlook.
"So, when's this baby due?" Beca asks, suddenly interested.
"He's due in August." She replies enthusiastically.
"He? You know already?"
"I'm only sixteen weeks!" She defends.
"Still, that's a long time! How'd you manage to keep this a secret?"
"There's a lot more to me than you know." She grins mischievously.
"And I thought after you saw me naked that we had no secrets." Beca laughs.
XXX
Beca reclines into her boss's chair, lifting her tiny boots with their six inch heels onto the soundboard of the recording studio. Emily stands, nervously shifting on her feeting back and forth while waiting for Beca to give her the go. Together in that one week, Beca and Emily had spent already a total of 42 hours writing Emily's song, and another ten hours working on perfecting her very first sample.
"Ready Em?" Beca called through the maxi glass outside the soundproof booth and Emily grinned and gave her a thumbs up.
"Beca, are you alright?"
Emily sets down her headphones and begins to exit the booth, noticing the distant look on the brunette's face, who had just stopped paying attention to the recording. Beca jumps, looking back to Emily, and faking a small, squinted smile.
"Mom? What's bugging you?" Emily asks again.
"Um.. okay, Jesse and I found out we had another miscarriage recently. But look, I should dump this baggage and unfairly expect you to help me pick up the pieces. I should be putting myself back together, instead of bringing everyone down with me." Her voice cracks.
"Beca, you are not a burden! We're here because we want to help you, not because we have to. When you're hurting, we're here to help you lighten your load by talking to you. And I would do anything for you! I would carry your baby for you if I knew you'd have less baggage being dragged around by the fact that you can't get pregnant!" She offers.
"Wow Em, but I could never ask that of you and Benji to go through a pregnancy for me."
"Mom, really! We're an aca-family! If you ask for a G#, i'll sing higher, if you want me to take a half step forward, i'll jump in!"
Beca stifles a laugh at the sweet, affectionate, yet sometimes over enthusiastic teen. Emily had a good heart, and good intentions, and sometimes her mess ups, like "flashlight" could be turned into a real winner.
XXX
Emily's intentions slowly turned into an official favor, and she and Beca found themselves at the beginning of a long road to what Emily suggested was "The pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.", and at which Beca laughed.
The long journey would be just that, and it wasn't going to be easy. Officially the two met with a gynecologist for an evaluation, the first of many evaluations of Emily's reproduction health. And Beca and Emily had to make sure that her husband was on board for the emotional toll this pregnancy would press on the family. And it was finally, a few months after their first initial visit, and six weeks after starting drugs to help Emily stop ovulating, that Emily would go through her first round of IVF.
Emily lay with her legs in the stirrups, a thin paper sheet covering her where the gown opened, and Beca and Benji stood on either side, holding her hands as she breathed deeply, trying not to shout, and wincing at the thought of what was happening.
The doctor looked up and glared at Emily. She pulled her gloves off, turning them inside out and threw them in the garbage beside her. Then she grabbed some paper work, and printed Emily an ultrasound of her uterus pre-baby.
"If you took your drugs as directed these last few weeks, they should have kept you from ovulating." The doctor informs her and Emily nods in assurance that she did.
"So we'll see you after our ten day wait, and you should be getting a positive pregnancy test if it worked. If not, we'll wait six more weeks before trying again. But there are no promises because even though you don't have a septum separating your uterus, there's still no guarantees that inseminating you with Jesse's sample will work." She informs her.
As she leaves, Emily smiles up at Beca, nervously shaking and feels a little guilt nipping at her thoughts. What if this doesn't work? Emily worries. What if I let her down? And that's the way her racing thoughts would stay up leading up to her visit in ten days.