A world of thanks to my beta, MrsBates93
Sirius didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to think. His thoughts kept drifting from one thing to another so quickly that he barely had time to react or even take note of them. One minute he was fine, not happy but not sad, then the next he wanted to scream and cry. Each emotion would pass as quickly as it had come leaving him confused.
Death wasn't new to him. He had experienced it too many times for a man his age. It had made him old, wise and perhaps a bit cynical. His friends had died, his friends' family members had died and he had been sad. He had gone through all five stages of grief and eventually accepted the deaths.
But this one was different. It was still death but it wasn't his friend or his friends' family, it was a member of his own family and one of the few members he had actually liked.
He had received the news about his uncle Alphard this morning from Remus. He didn't know who had told Remus, but he was thankful that he had told him.
It wasn't like family members hadn't already died, his mother, father and brother had all died but he had stopped caring about them long ago. He had shed a tear for his brother though, wishing he hadn't listened to his parents. But his uncle Alphard was different; he was genuinely devastated by his passing but couldn't express it. Whenever he tried the sad feeling would pass and was replaced by 'fine' which would later be suddenly replaced by sadness.
He was worried that by being unable to express his sadness and actually feel the sense of loss that he was disrespecting Alphard's memory in some way. A voice deep in the back of his mind told him that everyone grieved in their own way but the voice was so distant and barely above a whisper that it did nothing to ease him.
He was confused, sad, fine and worried. He drifted around Grimmauld Place, starting a task and then leaving it unfinished as his thoughts wandered and his emotions changed. He was now in the bathroom, leaning over the sink and avoiding his eyes in the mirrors reflection. His breath came in short gasps for a reason he didn't know or understand, and at that moment he wasn't concerned with finding out why. All he knew was that the sadness had come back.
His mind drifted back to the memories he had of Alphard, the day when he had received his inheritance from him playing over and over as if the button was stuck on repeat. It was comforting to know that he had not been given the details about his uncle's death or seen him before he had died. That way he could hold on to the last time he had seen him more than fifteen years ago. He wanted to remember him that way, as a healthy wizard. He didn't want to think of him being in pain or being murdered. That would only shatter him.
He would carry that memory of his uncle Alphard.