Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warning: This is Kirk/Spock. Yes, a slash. Don't like, don't read or you'll be hearing from the authorities if you post mean and offensive comments.
A/N: Well, I'm just crossposting from AO3. I was quite bored one day when this plot jumped up to me and I'm like 'heh...why not?' I've always seen how Jim or Spock would break up and then make up but it always involved with T'Pring. Well, I hope this manages to please you guys. There is one more chapter after this and I'm still writing on that. But once I'm done, I'll update. :) Alright, so enjoy!
Chapter 1
It was the first year of his stay in Starfleet Academy when he met Spock, the Vulcan Professor who taught xenolinguistics. The half-Vulcan almost immediately took Jim off guard with his seriousness and coldness. He first heard about Spock when Bones, his roommate and fast-made best friend, grumbled as he walked into their dorm room, complaining about his temporary xenobiology lecturer.
Jim learned that Spock was cold and he was everything a 'pointy-eared-bastard' should be in Bones's books. But Jim was intrigued and so, when Bones finally pointed at who Spock was, he was awestruck at the sheer elegance of that man. Bones merely scoffed and told Jim to forget about his unreciprocated feelings.
But Jim wanted to know more of Spock.
So, he joined Spock's xenolinguistics course during the summer.
And indeed, like everybody said, Spock was cold.
He was colder than the ice in North Pole.
But he was also sassy and sarcastic, rolling the words out of his tongue like he owned them—literally. Jim found it amusing honestly and not even slightly intimidating. So, he took more initiative to catch the professor's attention by sitting in the first row and answering all his questions with a grin on his charming face.
Spock at first simply raised his eyebrows in a manner that would've sent the manliest man alive crying. His eyes were so dark and deep that Jim felt connected whenever he looked into them. They went through his soul and he felt how the half-Vulcan was scrutinising him silently even though he nodded at the answers and moved on with the lecture.
So, when he was called up after class one day, he was surprised that the Vulcan managed to praise him for his good work on his latest assignment. The simple praise, it was short and not even worth much, made Jim felt light inside. For the first time in his life, he actually felt the slight flutters in his stomach when he looked at someone he obviously adored.
Then, Jim began to try his hardest to please Spock. Bones started to notice the pattern and sighed when Jim revealed of his latest infatuation on the professor.
"This isn't right, Jim," Bones said as he placed his xenobiology book on his lap, staring at the blond-haired man from across the room. "He's a Vulcan. And he's your professor at that. Temporary, I know, but still your professor. This isn't worth it. The next thing you know, he'll be the cause for your expulsion."
"Bones," Jim sighed as he leaned into his seat, pushing his books away and turning around to get a better look at his best friend. "He's not that cold."
"Bullshit," Bones muttered. "He's a Vulcan, Jim! He does not know emotions."
Jim shrugged. "He does have emotions, you know," Jim bit out, suddenly feeling protective of the Vulcan. "They just don't let it rule their heads like we do."
Bones raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms against his chest as he stared at Jim. "Oh? Since when are you an expert of everything hobgoblin?" Bones asked sarcastically.
"Come on, Bones," Jim said. "You just don't know him that well."
Bones quietened down after that before he muttered something else under his breath. "Whatever, kid," he said after a minute. "Just don't come cryin' to me when he breaks your poor little heart."
Jim grinned widely before he went back to his books.
And that was all Jim needed to continue learning more of Spock. The professor at first took a cautious step back when Jim started to talk to him without anything relating to his course. It was always a simple 'Hi, Professor!' or 'How are you doing today, Prof?' and Jim knew that the Vulcan contemplated on his answers warily, trying to figure out what he was trying to do.
Jim thought that was cute. So, after two months talking to Spock, the Vulcan finally asked him his real intentions trying to talk to Spock because to him, a conversation without a definite topic of discussion was illogical. The blond-haired man just looked at him before he shrugged, a grin working on his face.
"I just like talking to you," he said after a minute of consideration.
Spock raised his eyebrows in a manner that always made Jim smile wide. "I do not understand," the half-Vulcan finally concluded as they continued walking down to his office. Jim adjusted his bag and nodded, knowing that this was probably new for the half-Vulcan.
"It's just," Jim started, trying to find the right words. "What friends do. Aren't we friends?"
Spock stopped walking immediately, looking at Jim in the eyes. "I believe we did not establish that parameter of our relationship yet, Cadet Kirk."
Jim grinned before he rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, why don't we broaden our parameters now? I like hanging out with you. If you'd like to, we can be friends."
"Vulcans do not have friends," Spock said as he started to walk again. Jim simply shrugged it off.
"Then, you can be the first to have one," Jim said with a smile. Spock simply glanced at him and Jim knew he saw a spark of amusement in those orbs. But Spock never agreed, neither did he disagree so Jim continued on hanging out with Spock.
Jim learned a lot about the half-Vulcan. At first, the conversation would always end with a blank stare or the words 'I believe it is none of your concern, cadet' somewhere in between. Jim didn't give up though. The more he got to know about Spock, the more curious he was to get to that deep parts of his new Vulcan friend.
Bones simply shook his head every time Jim came back to their dorm room looking giddy and a smile gracing his face. "You got it bad, didn't you, kid?" Bones asked as Jim looked at him and grinned, his cheeks flushing.
"What? No!" he denied.
Bones simply levelled an unimpressed stare at him and Jim—ignored him.
Bones didn't know anything about them, so Jim wasn't going to waste his time listening to him.
But he did at the end.
Because his feelings for Spock changed after eight months of knowing him.
Spock was different when he finally got comfortable with Jim. He no longer used 'Cadet Kirk' or 'Cadet' when they were alone to address the human. Jim was glad that he was getting somewhere with Spock. His platonic feelings slowly changed into something more when one day, he looked at Spock and started to catalogue all the tiny quirks the half-Vulcan had when they were alone.
It made Jim feel light and fluffy inside. It made Jim felt like he could conquer the world. It didn't take long for Jim to stop his womanising either. He wasn't interested in chasing skirts just for pleasure anymore and that was one of the biggest changes in his life.
Spock made him feel solitarily his.
And that freaked Jim out.
These feelings were acting up on him and changing about according to their own wishes, ignoring Jim's silent protests that it wouldn't benefit anyone at the end of the day. Jim trusted Spock and that was where his feelings started to change, using that trust as a platform. Jim rarely trusted people.
Those he trusted were those who promised him their life. Bones was one of them and the only one so far that Jim was willing to trust full heartedly and vice versa. But with Spock, it felt natural to trust him. He knew the half-Vulcan didn't trust him at first but soon, when he saw the unintentional slips in his cool demeanour, Jim knew that Spock was beginning to trust him too.
So, after eight months, Jim woke up one day wanting to see Spock.
His feelings were no longer innocent and friendly. If anything, they were growing, passionate and slightly deep. Every time Jim spent some time alone with Spock, whether it was to eat lunch or to play chess or even take a stroll around the Academy park, his heart would start to act up and he would end up feeling like someone had increased his body temperature.
But he kept tight lipped about his feelings for Spock. He kept them hidden because Spock didn't seem to reciprocate. Jim was sure that the half-Vulcan would deem that it would be inappropriate for a cadet and a professor to be in a relationship.
Jim wanted that—a relationship.
He, James Tiberius Kirk, wanted a relationship with Spock.
It was so funny that Jim had ended up laughing to himself once the realisation dawned on him. This feeling in his heart finally had a name and it was the name that Jim dreaded to learn for such a long time. All his life, such feelings weren't real and they couldn't possibly be so soft and gentle because he didn't know they existed.
But now, he was proven wrong.
"Why are you laughing like a madman, Jim?" Bones asked once Jim finally settled down. Looking at Bones, he grinned.
"Bones," Jim started. "I finally figured it out."
Bones raised his eyebrows. "Uh-huh."
"I'm in love."
Bones's eyes widened before he searched the man's face. After a few second, he cursed under his breath. "Goddamnit, Jim," he muttered loudly at the blond-haired man. "He's a damn Vulcan!"
Jim simply nodded, as if this wasn't a big deal. But he knew it was because this wasn't a Human or an Orion he was in love with—it was with a Vulcan. He knew Spock might never see anything beyond their apparent friendship so he kept it in him for the next two months.
But from when there was love, there were slight aches of longing and pain. He never realised how Spock's eyes would shine brightly whenever Jim caught his silent joke or when his lips would thin whenever Jim got into an argument with him.
It was getting slightly harder for Jim to keep these feelings hidden mostly because he had no prior experience with them. They felt chaotic inside of him, messing up his thoughts until he wanted nothing more but to silence the loud noise. Whenever he was near Spock, his heart would start aching at how close they were but how far he truly was.
And then—the goddamn dreams started and Jim was having less and less sleep.
He was testy and he was slightly irritable and soon, it seemed to weigh too much for Jim. How could Spock just sit there so oblivious to how Jim was feeling? He finally slammed the knight piece on the chess board harshly, startling Spock. Jim rubbed his face, his hands against his face, taking in a deep breath.
Silence echoed in between them before he heard Spock shifting around. "Are you alright, Jim?"
Jim chuckled dryly. It wasn't Spock's fault. But somehow it was. Jim looked up from his hands and smiled weakly at the half-Vulcan. "Sorry, not in my game tonight."
Spock nodded. "Then, would you like something to drink?"
"Anything you're having," Jim muttered as he looked away, eyeing the floor. Spock stood up and headed to the replicator, replicating both of them Vulcan Spice Tea. Jim had found that he liked the sharp taste of the tea. It took him some time to get accustomed to it but soon, he found himself abandoning his Earl Grey for the Vulcan Spice Tea. "Thanks."
"You are welcome," Spock said as he handed Jim his mug of tea. The blond-haired man took the mug and sipped on it quietly, still avoiding looking at Spock. He felt the sharpness of the drink washing into his mouth and that somehow relaxed him a little. The chaotic mess of his feelings plus with the lack of sleep due to those dreams really made Jim cranky for a few days now.
Even Bones decided that Jim was to be named as the Grumpiest Person Alive. He felt Spock's stare on him. He glanced up and he saw the flash of worry on those familiar dark orbs. Jim couldn't help but to frown, placing the mug on his knee.
To be honest, he had seen some changes in Spock for the past four months or so. Spock always had this look on his face whenever he looked at Jim. The blond-haired man didn't know what to make of it honestly. There were times when he would realise that they were sitting far too close or when Spock stood slightly closer to him, their arms sometimes brushing.
Jim knew that personal space wasn't his best friend. Heck, he couldn't keep his hands to himself when he first met Spock. But the half-Vulcan didn't mind it so much. Sure, he usually levelled a secret glare at Jim whenever he slapped his shoulders at high fit of energy but he didn't tell him to back off or anything like that. So, it made Jim felt special.
"Is something troubling you, Jim?" Spock asked finally.
Jim bit his inner cheek, looking at Spock. "I—don't know."
Spock raised his eyebrows, confusion colouring his eyes. "Clarify."
"I," Jim started but then his mind went blank and he had to break the eye contact. He felt his cheeks reddening, sipping the tea slowly. He felt the frustration peaking in his mind. He knew that he needed some outlet for his feelings to be known. But he was scared as well—terrified even because what if Spock rejected him and terminated their friendship?
It was too cold to think about.
Spock frowned, his lips dragged down visibly. "Jim."
The blond-haired man flinched slightly. But he didn't know how long he could keep this inside of him. It was slowly darkening his thoughts and suddenly, all he could ever think about was Spock. He looked at the floor, knowing that if he didn't say anything about this feeling, he was going to self-destruct. Taking a deep breath, he decided that if things went wrong, he could blame the sleepless nights. "I'm in love with you."
Jim risked a glance at the half-Vulcan after a long silence. The atmosphere thickened around them and Jim had to swallow a lump in his throat. Spock looked absolutely stricken. His jaw was clicked tight and his shoulders wound tense. Jim could see the hints of cracks on the mug and felt his heart sinking to the bottom of his chest.
This was a bad idea after all.
"Uhm, forget I said anything," Jim said quickly, getting up. He needed to get out of here. He didn't think he could handle seeing the disgust in Spock's eyes or the cold words of rejection.
He placed the mug on the coffee table and took his bag. He didn't even glance at Spock again, his heart trembling from disappointment. To be honest, maybe he should've kept his feelings inside after all. It felt worse now that the truth was out and Spock wasn't reacting.
He was about to walk away when Spock wrapped his fingers around Jim's right wrist, halting him immediately. The blond-haired man froze, his shoulders tensing and his heart pounding in his chest. Spock then placed his own mug on the coffee table and stood up, taking a deep breath.
"Jim," he started but Jim didn't want to listen, so he tried to tug his hand off.
"No," Jim said quickly, quietening Spock. "I don't want to listen. I know what you're going to say."
The grasp around his wrist tightened. "That is impossible since you do not possess telepathic ability to read my mind. Jim, you need to listen and not jump into conclusions without possessing all the facts."
Jim turned around to meet Spock's eyes, already frowning. "I know what you're going to say."
"No, you do not," Spock retorted. "You are merely guessing."
Jim looked away, feeling his face flushing when he realised that Spock's cool hand was now wrapped tight around his wrist. He looked at their linked hands, wondering for a moment what this all meant to Spock. Spock squeezed his wrist again and if Jim knew any better, it felt a lot like comfort. He felt his heart steadily beating fast in his chest. Hope, even if it was a little, bloomed in him.
After a few seconds of silence, Spock turned to face him completely. "Are you now in a better condition to listen to what I have to say?"
Jim bit his bottom lip, contemplating his thoughts before he gathered every strand of courage in himself. He then nodded meekly, still not looking away from their joined hands. "Okay," Jim said finally.
"Very well," Spock said as he let Jim's wrist go. "If you would please take a seat." Jim looked back at the couch in Spock's office and walked to it again. Sitting down, he didn't let himself to be pulled into the soft leather. He clutched onto his bag tight, placing it on his lap as he looked down to the ground. Spock sat next to him, leaning into the leather unlike Jim and crossed his legs on one another.
Silence washed in between them for a minute before Spock opened his mouth to speak. "You are in love with me?" the half-Vulcan questioned slowly. Jim tensed up again, sitting straighter as he nodded once. "How long have you harboured these feelings for me, Jim?"
"I—I don't know," Jim said, drooping his shoulders before he turned to look at Spock. His eyes were wide and pleading, hoping that Spock could read the honesty on his face. "But I love you—in love with you. It—It didn't happen straight away. It's just that one day I looked at you and you—you made me think that what if I wanted to be closer to you?" Shrugging his shoulders helplessly, he looked away from Spock once more. "And then, I realised—I fell for you already."
Spock didn't say anything more and Jim sighed. The half-Vulcan then sat straighter, suddenly looking slightly less confident. "Are you expecting a romantic liaison from this, Jim?"
Jim flinched at the thought of otherwise but he just sucked it up and kept all hopes to a minimum. "Honestly?" he said. "Maybe? I—I don't think so? God, I don't know, Spock! You tell me. If this is a rejection, can we please not delay it any longer?" Jim continued exasperated. Spock simply looked at him disapprovingly but Jim was beyond caring.
The half-Vulcan shifted in his seat for a few seconds before he gave out a huff of breath. Jim guessed that was a sigh. He looked into Spock's eyes, trying to catch any glimpse of rejection and steeled his heart for it. But confusion woven itself around his heart when he couldn't find any trace of discomfort or dislike. It was—it was just merely curiosity, maybe slight nervousness and there was something else in those orbs but Jim couldn't place a finger on it.
The external coolness that Spock usually emitted disappeared slowly. "It is—not a rejection," Spock said carefully, eyeing Jim back. The blond-haired man felt his heart stop beating for a second. His eyes widen at the implication and suddenly, the tiny speck of hope in him bloomed into a flower. "It seems that I could not say that I do not harbour some sort of affection for you for a while either, Jim. It is not entirely innocent neither it is purely platonic. I have tried to meditate past this revelation because it would not benefit a professor and a cadet to be involved in such a manner."
Jim's hope immediately wilted and crushed. He broke the eye contact, already feeling dejected. "Yeah, I get it," Jim said, taking in a deep breath. "If we get caught, you'll lose your job and I might get expelled and ya, I get it. Totally. It's alright, Spock."
"Jim," Spock cut Jim off from continuing. His voice was sharp and strong, causing the blond-haired man to immediately look at him. He frowned when he saw Spock going rigid and serious. "I am not finished."
"You aren't?" Jim asked, slightly confused. "But you just said it yourself that a relationship between a professor and a cadet is risky! What more is there to—"
"It is risky," Spock agreed, nodding at Jim. "But as for now, I have failed to remove such feelings for you, Jim. It is with the thought that you will never reciprocate such inappropriate feelings that I have never brought it up. You have fascinated me, Jim, in more ways than one. You are the only one for the time being to have ever elicit such emotional desire from me."
Jim looked at Spock in the eyes, wondering if he was hearing this right. "Spock," he said slowly. "What are you trying to say?"
"I," Spock opened his mouth before closing it shut. A few moments passed before he looked away, his cheeks greening. Jim's eyes widened at the display of emotions at the moment. "I would not be averse to try a romantic liaison with you, Jim, since we have requited feelings for each other."
Jim's mouth hung open at the declaration. "If that is what you wish, of course." Spock looked back at Jim. The blond-haired man felt everything around him freezing as he tried to process the words. It was as if Jim was living in a dream and god, if it was a dream, he didn't want to wake up from it. He didn't think—not in a million light-years that Spock would ever reciprocate what he felt.
"You want to," Jim said, gulping and trying to still his erratic heartbeat. "You want to date me?"
Spock nodded.
"But what about the professor slash cadet thing? It's against the Academy rules. It's—you're willing to break the rules and be with me?" Jim asked, slightly breathless as so many things drew in his mind. Spock tensed again, his shoulders wound tight as he looked at Jim in the eyes.
"It is in my opinion that as long as no favouritism occurs between the professor and the cadet that could disrupt the harmony of the Academy, it is excusable," Spock said. "You are not taking my permanent course either, Jim. In retrospect, I am not your professor and you are not my student."
Jim felt the slight flutter in his stomach increasing tenfold. His cheeks reddened when the implication finally settled in his mind. A grin broke out on his face as he looked at the half-Vulcan in his eyes. Hope was blazing inside of him, tangled with a mess of joy. "So," Jim started. "We're together?"
Spock's shoulders sagged in relief before his lips quirked upwards slightly. His cheeks were still slightly emerald but Jim had already found that he liked the blush. "Affirmative."
After that, things went on like a blur but oh what a beautiful blur it was! Jim felt love for the first time and he received love in the same way. They started dating, keeping their relationship under radar and from prying eyes. Bones didn't even know that Jim was dating Spock until he accidentally observed a little too close on Jim's lips and asked him why his lips were bleeding.
Jim had turned scarlet at that, licking his lips instinctively and cleared his throat. Bones didn't take the whole relationship thing lightly. He was literally filled with worry and Jim knew that the doctor was trying to look out for his best interest.
"It's been three fucking months, Jim!" Bones exclaimed at him, pointing an accusing finger at the man. "You didn't even think to tell me that you were fucking that hobgoblin?"
Jim flinched at the blunt words.
"It's not just fucking, Bones," Jim said. "I love him and well, he loves me back."
"Does he now?" Bones challenged as he took a step forward. "He's a Vulcan, Jim. Do you even want me to explain to you the implications when a Vulcan starts to date? He's not looking for casual relationships. He's—they're more permanent. You're barely beyond twenty five!"
Jim nodded, knowing what Bones was trying to say. But the thing was, he didn't think forever with Spock was going to be that bad. Spock was—much relaxed whenever Jim was around. True, they never really talked about their relationship openly but he could catch the glimpse of warmth whenever he caught Spock looking at him.
They took things slow between them and Jim felt—cherished. "I know," Jim said after a while, looking at Bones in the eyes. "But the idea's growing on me."
Bones simply looked at Jim before he sighed and rubbed his face. He didn't say anything else after that.
Jim remembered when they first kissed, it was a week or so after they started dating and Jim was in his office, just working on his assignments when he looked up at Spock. Then, his eyes travelled to his lips and he wondered for a second at how those lips would feel against his.
Spock noticed the staring and lifted his gaze from his PADD, raising his eyebrows at Jim. "Is something the matter, Jim?" he asked and the blond-haired man simply stood up, placing his own PADD on the couch and walked up to the desk.
Planting both of his hands on the desk, he leaned forward until his face was barely a few inches from Spock's. The half-Vulcan's eyes widened and Jim could see a flash of uncertainty in those orbs. "Hey, can I kiss you?" Jim asked and he watched with amusement at how the tips of Spock's ears turned green.
Spock placed his PADD on the desk before he nodded. "You can."
Jim leaned in close, his lips brushing against Spock's and the half-Vulcan met him halfway. It wasn't deep neither was it passionate. It was soft and chaste. Jim simply pressed his lips against the cooler ones for a few seconds before pulling away. Licking his own lips, he grinned when he realised he could taste something spicy.
Before Jim could back away, Spock had stood up and grabbed onto his jaw, angling Jim's head to the right before his lips descended on him. Jim closed his eyes shut, his neck now trying to slant upwards so he could really feel Spock's lips on him and kissed him back. He placed one hand on the desk firmly and the other one on Spock's shoulder, dragging him close—as close as the desk could allow them to be.
Their lips mashed in perfectly and it felt good. It sent sparks flying down his spine and his toes dug into his shoes when he felt Spock's tongue prodding through the lips. Jim gasped, parting his lips and Spock took the opportunity to push his tongue through.
Jim dug his fingers at the shoulder, giving out a breathless moan when he felt Spock's tongue exploring his mouth, touching everywhere he could reach. His hand then slowly traced to the back of his head and dug his fingers through the jet black strands. He smiled into the kiss when he heard Spock taking a sharp breath at the sudden tug of his hair.
Breaking the kiss, Jim breathed harshly against Spock's lips, the half-Vulcan doing the same. Jim opened his eyes and licked his lips, smiling when he realised how Spock's cheeks were green, his lips swollen slightly and his hair a mess. "You look hot right now," Jim whispered and Spock simply raised his eyebrows. An almost-smirk worked on the Vulcan's lips.
"Hot?" Spock asked and Jim rolled his eyes. "My body temperature is cooler than Terran overall body temperature by—"
"Spock," Jim started. "Not literally."
Spock quirked his lips upward before he brought his left hand and touched Jim's hand which was on the desk. Picking the hand up, he caressed Jim's fingers. The blond-haired watched at how Spock's cooler and longer fingers traced his own before he firmly placed his index and middle finger together. A sudden jolt of electricity took Jim off guard, feeling his cheeks reddening again. He licked his slightly worn lips, looking up to Spock's eyes.
"It is a Vulcan Kiss," Spock explained the hidden question. Jim grinned widely before he nodded.
"I like it."
Spock simply quirked his lips upwards.
Things were slow between them, Jim concluded and he liked it. They couldn't really stay together all the time or it would give off suspicions. So, every weekend, when Jim was free, he would visit Spock at his apartment. They would go out on dates, but mostly they would spend their time just with each other. It was probably another six more months before Jim finally hit the bed with Spock.
But God, he didn't know it would feel so incredible with Spock. The way the half-Vulcan touched him, it would unravel some sense of vulnerability in Jim and somehow, he liked it. And then there was the mind melds. At first, Jim was hesitant of it but when he got a taste of their minds colliding so beautifully, he couldn't get enough.
Their whole relationship meant a lot to the blond. Even though Spock rarely spoke of his emotions, Jim didn't mind because he felt it every time he touched him. They were experiencing everything for the first time and Jim was just sucked into this cheesy romance with his lover. It amazed Jim that he could touch something so deep in the Vulcan.
Every time they touched each other, whenever he would end up tangled with the half-Vulcan under the bedsheets, he would feel the soft thrums of affections throughout his body. Sometimes, the affections got Jim too deep and he would end up with tears in his eyes. There was a time when it made Spock stop touching him, looking down on him when he noticed the tears.
"Jim?" he questioned as he softly touched his wet bangs and pushed it aside from his eyes. Jim blinked, the tears escaping his eyes, dripping past his temples and onto the bedsheets. His legs which were wrapped around the half-Vulcan's waist tightened.
"I'm f—fine," he said, taking in a shuddering breath to calm himself down. Spock moved a little and that earned a gasp from Jim. He closed his eyes shut as he immediately wrapped his arms around Spock's neck and hugged him tight, their bare chests touching. "Just give me a minute."
Spock breathed against Jim's collarbone before he slowly raised himself, looking at Jim when the younger man finally opened his eyes. He brought his hand and squeezed on Jim's looped hands around his neck. His eyes softened before he leaned down and kissed him on the lips. Jim moaned silently when he felt his prostate being nudged gently from the intrusion.
"I love you," Jim gasped out as he broke the kiss, looking at Spock in the eyes. The half-Vulcan froze for a second before he leaned into Jim's neck, kissing there and biting harshly at the junction. Jim brought his right hand and travelled down to his hair, messing it up between his fingers while his other travelled down Spock's arm. His legs squeezed his lover's waist gently, his eyes slipping closed, not realising that Spock hadn't said the words back.
Well, he still felt the deep thrums of affection though when Spock made love to him that night— or every other time they engaged in coitus honestly. So, he guessed that was alright. He didn't need to hear the words, as long as he could feel it—it was fine.
Their relationship wasn't always flowers and chocolates either. They had their own sets of argument, sometimes it would end with one of them storming out of the room. Jim knew that Spock had his own mountain of ego. But Jim had his own ego too and God, did he hate losing! The first time they argued, Jim couldn't even remember what it was about—but it had Spock spouting harsh words and soon, Jim said some mean things back. Before they knew it, an awkward silence took over them.
"If you want logic so much, then go and find someone logical! Damnit, Spock!" Jim yelled at the half-Vulcan.
Spock simply clicked his jaw tight, his hands bawled into a fist. "Perhaps I will. Perhaps being with an emotional being was not the wisest idea after all."
"Oh, fuck you, Spock!" Jim exclaimed as he took a menacing step forward. "See if I care! I shouldn't have dated a self-centred, egoistical and not to mention overly cynical guy like you in the first place!"
"The sentiment is reciprocated," Spock said tightly and just like that, their arguments ended and Jim's anger was replaced with hurt and disappointment. Spock's shoulders sagged and before long, Jim sighed.
Jim bit his inner cheek, looking away from Spock. He felt the hurt blaring loudly in his head and his chest ached. He took a step back when Spock took a silent step forward. He felt the anger sizzling down and disappearing to the edge of his mind. Spock didn't dare to take another step forward and they both went quiet for a while.
"I apologise," Spock said, breaking the silence between them. Jim blinked away the slight wetness in his eyes before looking at the dark orbs. "I apologise. I—It is not what I meant, Jim."
Jim didn't respond, instead he just looked at Spock for a while. When he saw the flicker of regret in Spock's eyes, he sighed, nodding. He guessed he went out of line too. They both said some things that they didn't mean. "Sorry too," Jim said softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry."
Looking at Spock in the eyes, the half-Vulcan nodded.
Their first argument lasted about twenty minutes and it was funny how after that, everything was smooth. They understood each other to the point that there was just no explanation to it. And before Jim knew about it—he was already heading to his final year in Starfleet Academy.
And well, all happy starts must have an end, didn't they?
Jim found his happy ending becoming less happy by the time he started his final year.
It wasn't because of something, more like there was everything all together about them—about him and Spock that bothered the blond cadet. It was all fine, they were fine for a while but somewhere at the end of his second year and the starting of his third and final year, something changed between them.
It was subtle, but it was changing and Jim could feel the imaginary string between them stretching thin. Spock still talked to him, still gave him his undivided attention but—but—it always felt like there was something else on the half-Vulcan's mind. And then, the end term for the second semester came on and Jim almost lost contact with his lover for almost a month.
By the time the exams were over, by the time the holidays came on, Jim's relationship with Spock started to feel slightly tattered—not from the absence of each other but—but there was just something there. Like there was another presence in this thing between them and well, Jim didn't know who or what.
So, when he met Uhura—Cadet Uhura, Spock's best student in xenolinguistics major in his third year, he knew that that was what this was all about. Spock only taught xenolinguistics to the third or final year students and that was when he started hearing her name in their conversations.
Whenever Jim asked about how his day was, Spock would rattle on that everything was fine and as always—Cadet Uhura—fascinated him with her impeccable linguistic skills. Jim felt the slight stabs of jealousy but he didn't want to seem like he didn't trust his lover, so he simply smiled and listened.
But he was starting to dislike her—when she suddenly became the most of what his lover talked about. It had been only three months since Spock met her, it had only been three months since he was in his third year when all of a sudden—everything was about Uhura.
"How's class?" Jim asked absent-mindedly, walking into Spock's apartment like he usually did, carrying his bag of grocery. Spock closed the door and followed Jim into the kitchen. Jim placed the things on the counter, taking a deep breath. He had dropped by today since he didn't have any classes and decided to try and cook something for the half-Vulcan.
"It was dutiful," he said as he placed the PADD on the countertop.
"Uh-huh," Jim said slowly, already putting away the grocery before glancing at the half-Vulcan. Spock, however, was looking at his PADD, not really paying attention to Jim. "What? You're still working?" he asked slightly dismayed. Recently, Spock had been getting far too busy for Jim's liking. Sure, they separated for a month due to the exams already but—lately it was getting a bit too hard for Jim to see Spock, even if it was just for a minute.
"I have assignments to grade, Jim," Spock said as he glanced at Jim before going back to his PADD. "I do not have the leisure to waste away my time."
Jim went rigid at the words, turning around to look at Spock. "What does that mean?" he asked, trying to hide the hurt from his voice. Spock's shoulder sagged in what seemed like defeat before he picked up his PADD.
"Nothing that I do not want it to mean, Jim," Spock said softly, maybe slightly resigned. "I have work to do. I need to be able to have them graded for tomorrow's class." Jim sighed, leaning against the counter and looking at Spock. He crossed his arms against his chest. He couldn't help but to feel like maybe coming over was a bad idea after all. Lately, Spock seemed to be quick to temper and Jim hated it when he got that way. Spock might not lash out like Humans do when they got irritated, but he would always slip back to his cold demeanour from the time when he first met Jim.
That never settled well for the blond. It was like a sign that something had gone terribly wrong in their relationship. But he didn't want to believe anything was wrong. He still felt the affection thrumming through whenever he touched Spock. He frowned internally when he suddenly couldn't remember when the last time they actually touched each other was.
Had it been more than four months already?
He removed the thoughts from his mind. That was another topic later on. For now, he let Spock's weird mood swings go. It wasn't worth to pick a fight with Spock.
It was just that—he suddenly felt like the attention he received wasn't truly his anymore.
He felt selfish but wasn't love supposed to be like that?
"Okay," Jim said before shrugging, trying to drag his lover back to the conversation. "Anyone impressing you so far?" Spock's lips quirked upwards and there was a familiar glimmer in his eyes—but Jim's heart broke slightly when he realised it was no longer aimed for him.
"Affirmative," he said. "Cadet Uhura has been performing exceptionally well. Her in depth research on the Klingon culture and language is impressive and fascinating. They are not only factually correct; they have also been elaborated perfectly."
Ah, Jim muttered in his mind bitterly, feeling the familiar acidic sensation pooling at the depth of his stomach. "Cadet Uhura," Jim said and nodded. "She's been real fascinating, hasn't she?"
"She has," Spock said truthfully and Jim couldn't help but to feel slightly bitterer at that. "She is a remarkable student in my class."
Jim nodded curtly, looking away before turning his back to Spock. "I'm going to make dinner for you," Jim said before throwing a half-hearted grin out to his lover. Spock remained quiet for a second and then he nodded.
"I will leave it to your capable hands then," Spock said as he walked out of the kitchen. Jim sighed heavily once he left. There was definitely something missing here. A sudden wash of dread took him off guard when he started to consider that maybe Spock was falling out of love with him.
That mere thought made Jim felt cold and clammy inside. He bit his bottom lip, taking in a deep breath. "No, that couldn't be it," Jim muttered to himself. But then again—the evidence was stating otherwise. It was always about Uhura lately. What if—what if she fascinated Spock more that Jim did?
What if Spock wanted her instead?
Was Spock even capable of cheating on him?
Jim immediately threw those thoughts far away from his mind. That wasn't possible. He loved Spock and the half-Vulcan loved him back. They had been together for almost three years now, they were strong! Jim nodded at that thought but he didn't feel any confident about it. He looked at the kitchen doorway. Sighing, he shook his head and went back to preparing his food.
Things got worse for Jim later on. This relationship suddenly started to feel one-sided and Jim didn't like it at all. He was walking down to Spock's office after class when he stopped halfway at the scene in front of him. Spock was walking away with Cadet Uhura, talking to her about something and Uhura was bloody laughing.
Her smile was bright and Spock seemed to like talking to her. Jim clenched his fist tight before he turned around and started to stalk away. But then he stopped, trying to calm down these dark thoughts in his mind. It wasn't possible. Spock was with him now. Not with Uhura.
But once again, they rung hollow to Jim.
The next time he met her, she was sitting with Spock at the canteen, talking to him about something before she pointed at the PADD. Jim hesitated for a moment before he walked there, realising what harm could be made by sharing a table. Spock's eyes caught his once he was at the table and Jim smiled.
"Professor Spock, Cadet Uhura," he greeted them with a bright grin. Cadet Uhura simply looked at Jim for a moment as if she was assessing him.
"Cadet Kirk," she replied smoothly. Spock nodded at his presence before Jim took a seat next to Uhura.
"So, what are you guys talking about?" he asked and Uhura simply rolled her eyes.
"Nothing that you'll understand, Kirk," she shot out. Jim raised his eyebrows at the sudden attitude.
"I'm sorry, have we met?" Jim asked smoothly, sounding flirtatious but slightly off as well. She simply looked at Jim before she narrowed her eyes at him.
After a minute, she dropped her glare and sighed. "So, it's true, huh?" she asked. Jim furrowed his eyebrows at that, wondering what she meant. "You finally got married and settled down. No more 'Jim Kirk: Sexy Bachelor of the Year'."
Jim felt a smirk working on his lips before he shrugged, willing himself not to look at Spock. "Well, you could say that," he said. "But then again, if maybe you're interested—I can live up to that title for one more day."
"Ah, no thanks," she said with a smile.
"Just kidding," Jim said as he went back to his food. She simply nodded before she looked at Spock. Jim looked at him too, wondering how the half-Vulcan was taking to their conversation. However, Spock was looking at the PADD, almost as if he wasn't even aware of what happened. "So, Professor," Uhura started and Spock looked at her.
Jim silently watched how those two talked, Spock sounding so interested and Uhura was—well, she was brilliant. She was funny and most of all—she was logical. Jim found himself feeling like the third wheel and his heart started to ache. He listened to them talk for a few minutes before he got up. Spock looked up to meet Jim's eyes but the blond-haired man simply nodded at Uhura and walked away.
He sighed loudly as he dumped his tray and walked out of the cafeteria, trying to get rid of this slight hole in his heart. He didn't think it would get much worse, honestly. He just thought maybe this was kind of like a bumpy road for them.
But then again, it did get a hell lot worse. All of a sudden, Spock didn't want to touch him so much anymore. He was always busy and Jim was beginning to feel frustrated.
Jim had his arms looped around Spock's kissing him deeply as his back was against the apartment door. He let his right hand slip away from the half-Vulcan's neck to the back of his hair, playing with the strands as he parted his lips, Spock's tongue diving into his cavern.
Jim groaned slightly into the kiss when he felt Spock's leg pushing in between his own. Jim took his free hand and dragged his nails down Spock's arm. He liked it when Spock got slightly rough on him. Jim whined slightly when Spock pulled away, wondering why he was stopping.
"Jim," Spock said, his voice sounding abused. "We cannot engage in coitus now."
Jim felt his eyes snapping wide, looking at Spock with confusion filling his face. "Huh?" he asked before he licked his own lips. One minute he had Spock's tongue down his throat and the next, he was getting pushed off? What the fuck was happening here?
Spock simply detangled himself and took a step back, his cheeks were green from the lip-locking session. Jim knew his cheeks were flushing too as he took in a deep breath, trying to calm his aroused-self down. "I cannot afford to be distracted tonight, Jim. I have projects to assess before the end of this term."
Jim blinked at him for a few seconds before he groaned, leaning against the door and scowling. "Spock! Can't you just put away work for a second and pay attention to me?" he asked, feeling the frustration from the sudden lack of attention clawing inside of him. Spock raised his eyebrows in a chastising manner and his lips thinned.
"I am paying attention to you, Jim," Spock said. "But I have a duty as a lecturer to perform and it is my top priority as what I am doing at the moment could affect the quality of my teachings tomorrow."
Jim scoffed. "It's been five fucking months, Spock," Jim sneered at him. "Every time I tried to touch you, you give the same lame excuse!"
"I am not doing it on purpose," Spock retaliated. "I am merely saying we cannot engage in sexual intercourse at the present moment. When I am free, when we are both available to spend more than enough time together, then we may engage together once more. I do not see the reason for you to be upset."
Jim rubbed his face, his erection finally faded away from the bubbled irritation. "Or," Jim said as he looked at Spock. "You simply don't want to touch me anymore."
Spock's jaw clicked tight as he took a step forward. "It is not that."
"No, I think it's precisely that!" Jim yelled. He knew that he was taking a small matter and making it a hill or something like that shit but—he couldn't help it. It was taking a toll on him.
He rarely got to spend some time alone with Spock nowadays. And every time he tried, Uhura would magically appear out of nowhere. What was worse, every time Jim thought they were going to do something together again, Spock would stop and say that he had other things more important than Jim to take care of. It wasn't that Jim didn't understand that Spock was a lecturer.
He knew that the half-Vulcan was going to be busier this year due to the fact that he was going to be assigned to a ship after Jim's graduation. But the fact that when they did meet up, when they did got the chance to be together and Spock throwing it away like it didn't matter to him, hurt Jim.
He didn't know where to stand with Spock at the moment. He felt dejected and worthless. Wasn't he what Spock wanted anymore? If work was more important than to spend at least a minute with Jim, then he should leave.
"You know what? Fine. Do your work! Hey, how about you fucking marry it instead? I'm leaving, Goddamnit!"
Jim turned around and was about to open the door to leave when he felt Spock's hand grabbing onto his shoulder and slamming his back against the door. He gave out a pained gasp but the anger was livid inside of him. He glared at Spock as the half-Vulcan glared back. "You are acting childish, Jim."
Jim chuckled dryly. "No, I'm acting exactly what others would do if their partners don't want to touch them anymore!" Jim said as he pried Spock's hand off his shoulder. "I'm letting you to go and do your work, Spock! So, just let me leave and you won't have to bother with trivial things like my bloody feelings ever again!"
But Jim didn't get to leave. Spock simply slammed both of his hands near Jim's head, leaning in close until they were at each other's nose. Spock was displeased, Jim could tell from his eyes. "You know that is not true," Spock said, trying to sound gentle.
Jim simply shook his head. He placed both of his hands against Spock's chest and tried to get him off. "I just want to leave, Spock. Let me go."
Spock remained deadly quiet and before Jim could react, Spock had smashed their lips together. It took Jim off guard, gasping into the kiss as Spock slipped his tongue into those parted lips. Jim's hand curled around the shirt and he closed his eyes, deciding to just see where this would go. Breaking the kiss, Jim gasped in air but Spock didn't stop.
He proceeded to push his leg in between Jim's and started to rub him. Jim grabbed onto Spock's shoulder, not sure if he was trying to push him off or pull him in. It had been some time since he let Spock touch him and yet—it coiled something dark when he thought that this was going to be rough. Not a good type of rough—but the dark ones that would leave Jim feeling hollow inside.
"S—Spock," Jim groaned out as Spock started nipping around his jaw, trailing down to his neck. "S—stop."
"No," Spock said before he bit at the soft spot near his ears, making his knees go weak. He felt his mind drawing blank and before he knew it, he finally decided to just get this over with. It was at least something compared to nothing and right now, he just wanted to feel Spock with him, on him, in him—just the presence of him.
He grabbed onto Spock's shirt and tugged it upward, and Spock immediately took a step back. Jim almost dropped to the ground from the sudden loss of contact. "W—what?" Spock then grabbed onto Jim's waist and hauled him a few feet from the ground, the blond-haired man instinctively wrapping his legs around Spock trying to balance himself.
Spock then kissed Jim again, almost bruising this time and Jim grabbed onto his shoulders as Spock dragged him away from the front door to the bedroom.
His mind went steadily blank and all he felt afterwards was the pleasure and pain playing through him. His clothes were thrown off and his body was being searched and marked through angrily. He was about to touch Spock's cheek when the half-Vulcan grabbed onto his wrist and pinned it above his head, stopping him. "Do not move," Spock ordered and Jim took in a stuttering breath.
They didn't utter many words after that, all moans and cries bouncing off the room walls as Spock touched him. They didn't make love—right now, it was more like sex. More like a simple, rough sex with no soft emotions flowing through and Jim always disliked it. But he didn't care for now, he needed Spock so when the pleasure band in him finally snapped—he ended up crying out loud, digging his nails into Spock's back.
It was all too much and at the end, his mind shut down and he went unconscious.
When he woke up, it was already past seven and he groaned heavily when he felt his body aching. His foggy mind steadily sharpened until he remembered what happened last night. He felt his heart aching as the images flickered through his mind. He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them, looking to his left to notice that the half-Vulcan wasn't there.
He shook his head before he slowly sat up, only to have a sharp pain jolting through his lower back when he did. He gasped out loud and slumped to his back. He took in deep breaths, trying to get his body to function properly before he tried again. This time, he managed to lean his back against the headboard.
He looked to his right and found two pills with a glass of water on the desk next to the bed. He guessed Spock placed it there. He looked down to the thin bedsheet covering his lower half and almost laughed bitterly when he saw the traces of handprint around his waist. Spock certainly did a number on him.
But the dry laugh broke into a sudden sob, wondering at which point of this relationship had he became a chore for the half-Vulcan. Did Spock even want him anymore? He quickly wiped his eyes, throwing the sheets off and stepped out of the bed. He almost dropped down to his knees when his legs gave out immediately.
Groaning a bit, he stood up again and found his clothes neatly folded on the desk. Grabbing them, he wore it and walked out of the room. The pain that was stabbing through his lower back slowly dulled by the time he walked a few metres away from the apartment. He ran his fingers through his messy blond hair and sighed shakily.
He didn't see Spock for the next three days. He didn't call neither did he went to talk to Spock about their latest heartache. He just let it slide, letting himself to be swept off by the waves of his studies. Bones stared at Jim, munching on his salad as Jim played with his own food in front of him.
"Did something happen, Jim?" Bones asked as Jim looked up from his tray.
"Nah," Jim said with a grin. The doctor simply raised his eyebrows at the hollow look.
"You look as good as dead, kid," Bones said, lowering his voice since they were in the cafeteria. After a second, a frown worked on Bones's face. "Did the hobgoblin do something to you? Did he hurt you, Jim?"
Jim immediately shook his head. "No," he said. "It isn't his fault."
"Ah, so it is about that pointy-eared-bastard," Bones muttered. "Well?"
Jim kept quiet for a minute, looking away from Bones before he shrugged. "I don't know, Bones."
"You don't know?" Bones asked sceptically. Jim just slammed his fork down on the table and nodded. He rubbed his face before he took in a deep breath.
"I don't know!" Jim said finally, his shoulder tensing. "I—I thought we were fine but then after—after that day, I'm not sure, Bones. Maybe—maybe he doesn't want me anymore."
Bones stared at the blond-haired man before he sighed. "Goddamnit, are you telling me that the hobgoblin had his fun with you and then threw you away?"
Jim looked at Bones from the gaps of his fingers before he shrugged. "I don't know." For the first time in his life, he didn't know what Spock was thinking. "I think—it's not going to last very long."
Bones's lips thinned before he shook his head. "Did you talk to him, Jim?"
Jim remained quiet before he dropped his hands to the table. "I don't want to. Not now."
"Well, then," Bones said. "If you don't talk to him, how would you know what he's feeling?"
Jim bit his inner cheek, letting the words to wash into him. He guessed Bones was right at some point. But Spock looked so unapproachable lately and Jim was scared that what he was looking at right now was goodbye. He didn't think this thing between them would ever end. He didn't know why he was surprised either.
It had always been a Kirk curse.
Everything good always ended in a disaster for them.
"Spock," Jim said as he looked at the half-Vulcan in front of him. Jim was about to leave his class when Spock stopped him. He had been waiting for Jim outside of the lecture hall for about a few minutes. Jim felt his heart squeezing tight at the sight in front of him. Spock simply looked at Jim before he looked away.
"If I may have a few minutes of your time, Cadet Kirk," Spock said and Jim licked his lips. He looked around him, thanking whatever forces were up there when he saw nobody around. He then nodded, following Spock to his office. Once inside, the doors closed with a silent hiss as Spock walked to his desk.
"So, what do you want?" Jim asked as he walked closer to the desk. Spock looked back at Jim before he broke the eye contact again.
"I want to apologise, Jim," Spock said after a minute, catching Jim off guard. "What I did to you four point four days ago was rash and bad partner behaviour. I have hurt you and for that I am deeply remorseful."
Jim looked at Spock for a while, catching the seriousness in his voice. Jim simply sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maybe you were forced to," Jim said slowly, feeling his heart breaking slightly at the thought that this relationship maybe was one-sided after all.
Spock looked at him, his lips thinning. "No, I was not," Spock said. "I have forced myself upon you in an undignified manner. I have upset you and had neglected your needs. For that, I apologise. I know my excuses will not erase the fact that I also left you right after. But I only did so because out of guilt. I did not have any intention on hurting you, Jim."
Jim knew Spock never had any intention to hurt Jim. But that night, he felt raw anger, maybe disappointment and resignation. It wasn't love and he couldn't find even the slightest trace of affection in his actions. "Do you," Jim started, avoiding looking at Spock. "Do you even love me anymore?"
Silence washed into the office before he felt Spock walking up to him. He glanced up to Spock and he sighed when he felt the familiar slightly colder palms cupping his face. He looked at the dark orbs, trying his best not to end up crying like some girl. "Jim, you know I have felt affection for you."
Jim closed his eyes for a second when he felt the cold shudder running down his spine. "If that was true," Jim said softly as he opened his eyes again. "If that was true, then why didn't I feel it when you touched me that day? The first time you touched me after five months and all I could feel was anger and resignation, Spock! I felt like you didn't want me anymore. Don't you want me anymore?"
Spock went tense as his hands dropped to Jim's shoulders. Jim thought he saw shame in Spock's eyes but he didn't know if he should believe it. "I am sorry."
Jim's eyes widened at the apology. It was rare for Spock to exactly say those words to him. It was always 'I apologise' or 'I did not mean it that way' but never 'I am sorry'. Jim looked away from him, feeling mixed emotions in his heart. One part of him was saying that this couldn't possibly work anymore because Spock doesn't love him—he thought he did but he doesn't while the other part was saying that he was really sorry and he still loved him, still wanted him. He didn't know which side to buy so at the end, he just drooped his shoulders in defeat and laid his head against Spock's chest.
He wrapped his arms around Spock, squeezing him tight. Somewhere deep in his heart he knew this wasn't going to last. It was just a nudge. And Jim was never wrong about his nudge but he didn't want to believe it. So he closed his eyes shut and squeezed Spock tighter when Spock wrapped his arms around him.
"I forgive you," Jim said after a while. He didn't really hurt Jim anyway. There weren't any bruises, just his bruised heart. Jim also knew that Spock wouldn't repeat any of his mistakes twice, so he was sure that Spock meant it. He always did.
Spock relaxed in his embrace but he still couldn't remove the nagging thought that this momentary stability was just a false alarm. "Don't you ever touch me like it's a chore ever again, Spock," Jim said as he buried his face into Spock's neck. "Don't—just don't ever do that again."
"I will not," Spock said as he squeezed Jim tighter. "You are welcome to 'kick me to the curb' if I defied."
Jim chuckled weakly against his neck. "Okay. Deal."
The only response he got was the tightening of the hug.
It was three months after that and things didn't change. Sure, Spock tried his best to give his undivided attention to Jim again—but it didn't feel complete. At the end of the day, Jim felt like he was making a mistake forcing Spock to give him the attention. And Uhura didn't disappear either. In fact, she became more like a permanent companion to Spock.
Anywhere Jim met Spock, she was there next to him. Jim felt the jealousy working in his heart but slowly, it turned into something like resignation—like defeat. She was very logical, from the way she spoke, from the way she was serious about everything and she always kept her emotions in check. Jim started to compare himself with her and realised it a bit too late that maybe Spock was already fascinated with her in more ways than one.
His eyes twinkled whenever he spoke about her and despite that he was always with Jim at night, it didn't keep this insecurity down. In fact, one day, it just got too much for Jim when he caught them at the lecture hall. Uhura was leaning close to Spock, talking about something and Jim saw—he saw how Spock's lips curled upwards in what seemed like an amused smile.
Jim felt the pang of hurt washing through him. That used to be his look for Jim and only Jim. Now—now it was for Uhura. He didn't bother going into the lecture hall. He just turned around and walked away, realising that maybe—it was time.
But he didn't want them to end. He didn't want to leave Spock and he didn't want Spock to leave him either. However, he had witnessed it first hand and how could he even deny it any longer?
Jim bit his nails, looking at his PADD as he sat on the office couch, looking through his work. But his mind wasn't on it. And Spock was talking about something but all he could hear was the blank white noise in his head. He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt Spock's hand on his shoulder.
"Huh? What?" he asked as he looked at Spock. The half-Vulcan stared at him before an invisible frown crossed his lips.
"You seem to be distracted today, Jim," Spock said. Jim sighed, rubbing his eyes before he shrugged Spock's hand from his shoulder. The half-Vulcan took his hand off, looking tense.
"Sorry," Jim said as he looked at his lover and gave him a half-hearted smile. "What were you saying?"
Spock remained quiet before he opened his mouth to speak again. "I was just merely discussing about my day as you have asked about it five point three minutes ago."
"Oh," Jim said. "So, how is your day?"
Spock's lips thinned. "It would probably be wise if you had sufficient rest, Jim."
"No, it's alright," Jim said as he shook his head. "I'm fine. Just tell me, repeat to me what you said earlier. I promise I'll listen this time."
Spock just narrowed his eyes at Jim before he nodded, giving up on Jim's stubbornness. "I was merely saying that my day had been resourceful. I had a meeting with Starfleet Command and they have already established the assigning of graduating cadets to their respective ships."
"Oh!" Jim said as he perked up with a grin. "Right. They've sorted us out already?"
"Affirmative," Spock said as he relaxed into the couch. "I had the privilege to know which ship I am going to be serving first."
Jim felt the nervousness bubbling inside of him. He knew this was going to happen as well. Jim wasn't that hopeful that he would get to serve the same ship as Spock. But still, he wished he would. He wanted to be with Spock, didn't he? He wanted to work with Spock, see him in action when the duty was on him.
But those were just wishful thinking. He didn't want to raise hope in himself only to get disappointed. He had enough disappointments for now. "So, which ship are you going to be serving for?"
"That is classified," Spock said with amusement in his eyes. Jim rolled his eyes at Spock.
"Aww, come on, Spock!" Jim said as he scooted closer to the half-Vulcan. "I won't tell anyone. I promise."
"It is still classified," Spock said not relenting. Jim backed down when he saw the small glimmer of seriousness in his eyes. "You will know once you have graduated."
Jim sighed as he leaned into the couch. "You're such a tease, aren't you?" Jim said without venom. Spock simply quirked his lips upwards. Jim felt the sudden wash of insecurity inside of him when he realised he saw the same look with Uhura. Only, with her, he was more—more relaxed like how he used to be with him.
Jim looked away, going back to his PADD. "So, that's all?" Jim asked. "Your day, I mean."
"Besides the dutiful lectures, it is all," Spock said.
Jim bit back his tongue from asking about Uhura. He glanced at Spock, wondering if the half-Vulcan wanted to talk about her. Jim looked back to his PADD. He sighed softly before he opened his mouth. "What about your star student?"
He was digging his own grave but he couldn't help it.
Something in him wanted to know more about what Spock was feeling at the moment.
"Cadet Uhura has been diligent as usual," Spock said and Jim could practically hear the honey in his voice. He was really proud of her, Jim could tell. "I believe she would be getting a ship that is up to her standards to serve on."
"Careful, Spock," Jim said trying to sound nonchalant. "I might get jealous."
Spock didn't say anything to contradict the words. He simply shook his head before he went back to his own work. Jim glanced up to him and frowned to himself. Spock didn't say anything to tell him otherwise. Did that mean he should be jealous?
He didn't know what to think as he threw those thoughts away for now.
A week before graduation and Jim was tattered inside. About three days ago, Jim and Spock got into another fight. It was always about the same thing, over and over again. Spock was being an ass as usual and Jim got irritated. And then, Uhura walked into the scene and Jim just had enough. So, he took his bag and he walked out of there, not even glancing at them anymore.
Spock didn't come around to apologise and Jim didn't go looking for him. At the end, three days have passed and Jim just couldn't handle it anymore. Walking down the hallway, his PADD suddenly chimed. He looked at it and his eyes widened when he saw a mail from Starfleet Headquarters, letting him know about which ship he was going to get assigned to.
His heart was pounding in his chest as he stopped walking. Licking his lips, he pressed on the mail and read through. He was getting ranked as a Lieutenant. He grinned realising all his hard work paid off. His dream was to captain a star ship one day and by this rate, he guessed he could do it within three to six years tops. He then looked at the ship he was being assigned to.
U.S.S Farragut.
Jim felt slightly disappointed at the ship. It wasn't the best ship out there but it certainly wasn't the worst per say. He thought maybe he would get U.S.S Enterprise instead. That ship was just beautiful and Jim had fallen in love with her the moment he saw her blueprint. He shrugged the slight disappointment off and continued to walk down the hallways—now heading to find Bones.
His fight with Spock was left forgotten at the back of his mind.
"U.S.S Farragut," Bones deadpanned. "I got U.S.S Farragut."
"Thank God," Jim said as Bones shot him a glare. "What? I wanted someone I know on board that ship too, you know."
"Whatever, Jim," Bones said as he placed the PADD on the table and bringing his food tray near him. "I'm still getting outta here and that's what matters the most."
Jim simply quirked his eyebrows in amusement. "Still, you outrank me, you know. Lieutenant Commander."
Bones simply gave him a smirk and Jim rolled his eyes at him. "So, what ship is the hobgoblin serving?"
Jim's smile dimmed, placing his PADD on the table as well. "I don't know," he said, ignoring Bones's confused look. After a while, he heard Bones muttering under his breath.
"You both act like two goddamn teenagers," Bones said gruffly. Jim scowled at Bones.
"Whatever," Jim said. "Anyways, I don't know. He wouldn't tell me."
"Is that before you both acted like buttheads or after?"
"Bones," Jim said with a sigh. After a minute, he finally relented. "I think—I think he likes her."
Silence washed in between them before Bones slammed his fork on the table. Bones was the only one who Jim could talk to about Spock. Even though the doctor would complain that no, he wasn't a damn love guru, he still listened patiently.
Jim was grateful he had a friend like Bones.
"Jim, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard you say. Ever. And that counts after all those shitty things you spouted for the past three years I've known you."
Jim frowned at him. "But—you should've been there, Bones. He's all so fascinated with her. She's logical, smart, pretty and probably everything a Vulcan dreams about if they wanted a Human mate. God, Bones, what if this is it? What if this is what I'm going to get in the long haul? What if to him, I'm not it?"
Bones's lips thinned as he looked at Jim in the eyes. "Jim, listen to me, no Vulcan would stay with a Human for three years if they aren't confident their Human was the one."
Jim worked his inner cheek, listening close. But he didn't know what to believe at the moment. Bones could be right but at the same time, Jim could be right too. All this thinking was making a mess in his head. At the end, he simply dropped the whole subject. He was too tired to think.
Jim simply sighed. "I don't know," he said as he shrugged.
Jim spotted Spock at the Academy park, sitting down on the bench and was skimming through his PADD while Uhura was next to him. His heart finally had enough. Spock didn't even come looking for him, didn't even come to see him—and instead, he spent his days with her.
She spotted Jim immediately before she stood up. "Jim," she said. Honestly though, she was nice. She was sharp mouthed and she had a witty attitude that always took Jim off guard. But that was also what he loathed about her because she seemed fitting for Spock.
The half-Vulcan immediately looked at Jim, his eyes were guarded and his lips were pressing into a thin straight line. Jim looked back at Uhura before he nodded at her. He didn't show his distaste to her. He didn't like it when someone else got burned because of something he was having trouble dealing with.
So, he didn't declare her hostility in her face. He kept his voice light and his smile bright, hoping it would send a message that he didn't hate her. And he didn't really—it wasn't her fault for being so fascinating to a Vulcan. The more he got to know her, the more he could see why Spock would fall for her instead of him.
He felt his heart breaking at that thought. However, he kept his face neutral.
"So, which ship are you assigned for?" Jim asked as Uhura beamed widely at him.
"U.S.S Enterprise," she said happily. "Professor Spock got into U.S.S Enterprise as well."
Jim felt everything in him steeling back. "Oh," Jim said as he looked back at Spock. "He told you?"
"Well, I accidentally saw it on his PADD about two days ago," she said with a sheepish smile. Jim looked away from Spock's sharp stare and looked back at the woman in front of him. His mind slowly made up and he realised—if this was how things ought to be—then let it be.
Even destiny wanted Spock to end up with Uhura and who was he to step in the middle?
"I see," Jim said with a smile. "That's good news, Uhura."
"Thanks," she said before she pointed at him. Jim felt his cheeks flushing from embarrassment and after a minute, he just decided to get this over with.
"U.S.S Farragut," he said as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Her smile dimmed into a sympathetic one as she patted on his shoulder. After that, she picked up her bag and said she had classes to attend, final ones. Once she left, Jim felt the atmosphere tensing between him and Spock.
"Cadet Kirk," Spock said, catching Jim's attention. The blond-haired man looked at his lover and gave him a fleeting smile. He sat down next to him before he sighed, looking at the blue sky. "Jim," Spock's voice softened.
"U.S.S Enterprise, the both of you, huh?" Jim asked mildly before looking at Spock. "You must be ecstatic."
Spock's lips thinned. "Vulcans do not feel ecstatic," Spock said but Jim just chuckled dryly, feeling like he had given everything he got and yet, he received only a momentary bliss.
"It's alright, Spock," Jim said, looking away as he felt the heavy sadness clouding his mind. "Maybe it's destiny or something."
Spock sat up straighter, eyeing Jim for a moment. "I do not understand what you mean."
Jim gave him a sad, twisted smile as he blinked back the tears. "We only have a few more days, Spock and let's be real, our relationship is not doing well these past few months. I—I don't feel great being with you anymore."
Spock's shoulder wound tense and his jaw clicked tight. His eyes narrowed down to Jim blue ones. Silence, tense silence washed into the scene. "Is this because of our argument prior five point three two days ago? If it is so, Jim—"
"Don't," Jim said quickly, shaking his head. "I don't—don't apologise. It starts to feel hollow if you say it too many times."
"Words cannot turn hollow as they do not have a definite shape—"
"Spock," Jim said frustrated, rubbing his face. "Spock, be real here with me. We're not going to get better anymore. Can't you see? Uhura's—she's—she's the one for you, isn't she?"
Spock's eyes flashed something dangerous. "What is your meaning, Jim? Are you accusing me of feeling for another while I am in a relationship with you?"
Jim looked away, biting his inner cheek. "And if I was?"
"You do not trust me," Spock said gravely at the end, causing Jim to flinch. Jim sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"It's not that I don't trust you, Spock," Jim said as he chewed his bottom lip. "But lately…I've been feeling like you're more fascinated with her than you are to me. I mean, your eyes, they light up every time you see her, every time you talk about her. You—you admire her, Spock. How am I not supposed to feel threatened by that?"
Spock remained quiet. "Jim, you only need to have said something to me," Spock said slowly.
"No," Jim said as he laughed bitterly. "I didn't want you to think I'm this possessive bastard but then again, maybe I am. I don't like it when she's near you, I don't like it when you spend so much time with her. You didn't—You even smiled for her, Spock. I can't—it hurts. It hurts to know you don't want me anymore. It hurts to know you don't love me anymore."
Spock immediately stood up. Jim looked at him and he saw disappointment written in those eyes. "I see," Spock said. "I believe I have said this time and time again. Your insecurities are without basis. My eyes do not 'light up' whenever I see her neither do I 'smile' at her."
"So, what?" Jim asked as he stood up, feeling the anger boiling in him. "I'm seeing it all wrong? You're not fascinated by her? You haven't thought about her more than a cadet? Your eyes don't lie, Spock! You can but your eyes—"
"Silence!" Spock uttered sharply causing Jim to widen his eyes. "You do not trust me. You do not trust me at all. That is why when I am merely interested in her as an excellent cadet, you jump into conclusions that I want her."
Jim remained quiet for a while. "I love you," Jim said. "But I can't do this anymore if we keep on fighting and I—I know what I saw, Spock."
"Your eyes are merely deceiving you," Spock said, this time sounding softer. Silence filled in between them before Jim felt the resignation in the air. "However, I am unable to—to process this information you have accused me of at the moment. I believe that if there is no trust in a relationship, it is futile for us to remain together."
Jim's heart stopped beating but he knew this was right. To be honest, he felt insecure lately and if Spock wanted to blame it all on him, then it was alright because he was at fault somewhere in this too. Jim looked away from Spock's eyes. They were at the end of the road. Jim sighed as he took a step back.
"I'm sorry," Jim said finally as he looked at Spock in the eyes. "I haven't—I'm sorry I haven't been that good of a lover for you. I'm emotional, rash and bashful, even if I don't sound like it. I can't—I can't be logical even if my life depended on it. I just do what I think is right. I'm sorry if I hurt you, Spock."
Spock remained quiet before he gave out a tense nod. "I believe the sentiment is reciprocated."
"This'll give us time, you know," Jim said as he pointed to the sky. "You and I serving for different ships. This'll—this'll be good for us. Maybe we need some space. Who knows, maybe the next time I see you, you changed your mind about me."
Spock took a step forward but Jim didn't want to listen anymore. If he stayed here any longer, his heart would want his comfort again and Jim would give in. He didn't want that. He wanted to stay back and this time, he wanted to let Spock choose. Jim had chosen Spock, always and he guessed somehow he always will. But now, when things were tense and dark—instead of working it out, they needed space.
Spock opened his mouth, to say something but then he closed it again after a minute. He nodded in agreement as he clutched onto his PADD tight, the edges cracking slightly. "Goodbye, Jim."
Jim felt the tears finally welling in his eyes before he nodded, glancing at Spock one last time before he took in a deep breath. "Goodbye, Spock. And…good luck."
With that, he turned around and walked away, leaving the best thing that had ever happened to him behind.
After graduation, Jim took off his cap, smiling at Bones. The doctor found out about their separation when he saw Jim's eyes all red and dark circles under them that day. Jim stopped Bones from going after Spock because truthfully, it was all over. Jim still had the sense of hope, maybe even a slight sparkle of it that Spock would come after him—would tell him that he wasn't leaving without Jim.
But he didn't, so Jim crushed that hope in his heart.
"The hobgoblin left," Bones said as he took off his own hat. Jim's smile dimmed before he nodded. The U.S.S Enterprise was about to take off in another eight hours. It was for the best that he didn't see the half-Vulcan either. "You alright?"
"I'm fine," Jim said with a grin. Their ship was leaving in the next twenty four hours, so he looped his arm on Bones's shoulder and started to walk with him by his side. "Let's go and get drunk."
"You're fucking kidding, right?" Bones asked indecorously. "We have to report to the ship tomorrow at eight in the morning, Jim. You wanna risk getting a hangover?"
"Come on, Bones," Jim said as he tugged him close. "Let lose! We've graduated! Space is where we'll be going next! Side by side—you and me!"
"Oh, great God," Bones said as he huffed out his breath. "Space and you—woppe-de-doo."
Jim chuckled at Bones's less than enthusiastic reply laced with sarcasm. "Come on."
He glanced through the crowd one last time and he thought he saw the familiar dark orbs catching his eyes. Blinking once, the orbs disappeared and he sighed. Bones tugged him close and smiled at him. "It'll be alright, Jim," he said and Jim smiled at him appreciatively.
He guessed this was it. He was just going to forget about his heartache and focus on his new job. He was going to be the best Starfleet Officer this world or any world had seen and he was going to be the Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise. Damnit, he wasn't backing down just because he no longer had Spock next to him. Who knows? Maybe this hole would disappear and when he met Spock the next time, he would be able to push this past them.
Heading down to his dorm room to pack up, his mind flickered through the last memories of Spock and closed it all behind. Let destiny decide this time what the next step should be. He was going to do the best he can in everything he did from now on.
Touching his chest gently, he stopped at the hallways and looked outside of the window to the sky.
Taking a deep breath, he finally nodded and wished the half-Vulcan his luck.
Goodbye, Spock, his mind cooed gently.
But little did he know that six years later, he would be Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise and—he would be meeting Spock again. This time as his First Officer.
A/N: Awwww, well, sad. Anyways, until the next chappie! Do let me know what you guys thought along the way~ Until then! -Krystal