Disclaimer: Don't be fooled. This totally free, totally silly story was written by someone who doesn't own Kingdom Hearts, Square Enix, or even Young Money Cash Money. Weird, right?

Chapter 1: Money to Blow

Kairi sang along to Drake's verse, "I-I-I I'm on my Disney shit, Goofy flow! On records I'm Captain Hook, and my new car is Rufio—damn, where my roof just go? I'm somebody that you should—"

"Blow me, Kairi," Sora threw in.

"—know! Get to shakin' somethin' 'cuz that's what Drumma produced to it fo'!" Kairi made sure to finish that part of the verse strong and definitely off-key.

"You are such a gringo, Kairi," said Riku, riding shotgun.

Sora was driving a rented company vehicle, a small SUV. There was an awkward tension between him and Riku. From the backseat, Kairi could definitely sense this tension, and her rendition of a hip-hop song didn't quite diffuse it.

As the SUV cruised down Osaka Team Highway, Sora and Riku remained silent towards each other. Deflating a bit, Kairi leaned forward and asked, "So, uh…didn't we have fun today?"

"Sure," said Sora.

"Totally," said Riku.

Not convinced in the slightest, the backseat princess remarked, "Wow, so…this was the first time in a long time all three of us got to hang out together. Sora, you're always working, and Riku, you're usually with Tidus or Wakka."

"Hey, I work, too," Riku corrected, a tad irritably.

"Yeah, I know," Kairi replied sheepishly. "It's just that…I'm glad the three of us got a chance to be friends again."

Somewhat placating his primary female love interest, Sora half-smiled and said, "You're right. Taking a walk around the mall was actually super relaxing today."

Kairi believed that statement, for the most part. Back at the Platinum Games Mall, Sora and Riku had been acting amicably toward one another, but every now and then, an awkward silence would separate them. Sora seemed a bit standoffish while Riku exuded feelings of regret. They even had a small argument about which motorcycle was faster—Cloud Strife's Fenrir or Travis Touchdown's Schpeltiger. However, this argument wasn't as playful as their usual banter. Kairi had to jump between them before things got too macho at the mall.

Ever since that small spat, the two boys kept their distance. But the real reason for their coldness hadn't been discussed yet.

Kairi sighed. She'd tested the waters long enough.

Laughing, she said, "Hey, you remember that time Riku and I had sex and kept it a secret?"

"Seriously, Kairi?" Riku retorted.

"Here we go," Sora lamented.

"No, we're talking about this!" Kairi asserted. "For three people who've all seen each other naked, we've been acting like total strangers and I'm sick of it!"

"What?" Riku started. "I've seen Sora naked, but he hasn't seen me naked."

Rolling his eyes, Sora replied, "Moron, we used to shower together as kids."

"Oh, shit—that's right." Smirking and giving his driver a nudge, Riku added, "A lot has changed since then, believe me."

"Yeah, I doubt that," Sora replied with an equally lighthearted smirk.

Kairi went on, "Right, and still to the point, I'm glad Riku told you the truth, Sora. I know, I was pretty ticked off at first, but now I see it needed to be said. Friends shouldn't keep secrets from each other!"

"Right, so what's your real point, Kairi?" Riku questioned, turning to frown at her. "If you're tryna get a threesome started, you're doing a terrible job."

"Heheh, well…"

Once again, an awkward silence fell upon the three youngsters, followed by Sora and Riku giving the girl an incredulous look.

Slowly, She admitted, "If it helps, you two would be my first choices—"

"Yeah, you'd better add about fifty—no, sixty naked chicks between you, me, and Sora!"

It was barely even noon in Squeenix Headquarters, and the weather was bright yet fairly chilly. To beat the chills, all three teenagers had worn casual hoodies or jackets in lieu of their usual attire. About their vehicle, they were already done using it, therefore Sora was pulling into the Rent-A-Car parking lot, ready to drop off their rental.

After handing over the keys, Sora, Riku, and Kairi walked back to the main courtyard, currently enjoying a slightly mellower mood than before. However, Kairi had to say something.

"So, Sora, when me and Riku had sex—" Kairi began but was soon interrupted.

"Oh, come on, we were doing so good!" Riku shouted suddenly.

"Really, you can leave it alone now, Kairi!" Sora complained.

Lagging behind her friends, Kairi gave another sheepish smile before saying, "I just want to clear up some things."

"Things are crystal clear," Riku asserted.

Sora was hesitant. Halting his walk, he said, "Well, not really."

Kairi caught up to Sora and gently touched his arm. "Sora, just ask me anything. I want to be as honest and up front as possible."

"Hm." Sora looked between Kairi and Riku, watching the latter of whom finally stop in his tracks. Thinking briefly, the brown-haired protagonist finally asked, "Was it the only time…or were there other times?"

Gazing deep at him, Kairi assured, "It was the only time." Seeing as how Sora's only response was to cross his arms and grunt, Kairi continued, "You remember how young and dumb we used to be."

"Speak for yourself," Riku inserted.

"Riku and I…we had this idea in our heads about using the raft as an excuse to keep us busy. But the more we worked, the more curious we became."

Sighing, Sora finished the story, "Yeah, yeah—and then you two snuck off the night of the storm to really get busy. Does that sum things up?"

Riku was unsure how to handle this side of Sora. Rubbing the back of his neck, he added, "Uh, kinda."

"Of course, there's more, but you don't have to hear it if you don't want to," Kairi said. She scanned Sora's aloof gaze for a clue, but to no avail. "Just tell me what you're thinking."

"Hmph. Let's get back to the dormitory." And with that, Sora pimp-walked away.

Riku and Kairi shared a confused look. Shrugging, the redheaded love-interest piped up, "Let's go keep him company."

"No, I think he's had enough of us for one day," Riku assumed.

"Hey!" Sora suddenly called back. "Get the lead out! Let's go get lunch!"

-X-

Later that night, Kairi was lounging on the bed of her dorm room, staring up at the dull ceiling. The rest of the afternoon went great with her two favorite anime boys, seeing as how they stayed off that certain subject completely. However, she still felt a schism between her and Sora.

"Naminé…" Kairi attempted to speak with her soul-sista. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I feel like I permanently screwed something up. I think Sora's always gonna hate me for keeping that secret from him. I don't know how to make him innocent again. It's like everything I did—"

"Yo, Kairi, what's up?" Naminé replied telepathically. "Whoa, were you already saying something?"

Thankful for a response, Kairi spoke up again, "Yeah."

"I think I got the gist," said Naminé. "Roxas has been acting a little strange lately, too."

"…I don't know what I was thinking back then, but it definitely wasn't a decent amount. Riku was like a schoolgirl crush, and Sora…he was just so brotherly, I couldn't even imagine getting physical with him." Kairi chuckled. "I remember when I told him, 'Don't ever change,' like I really had any control of the situation."

Naminé chuckled back at her…you know, telepathically. "You're talking about the day I was spawned again, aren't you? I can't believe after all this time, you still think about Riku stealing your heart."

"Well, it did kind of turn me into a Heartless…thingy. That shit was real."

"Yeah, well try living in the custody of bad guys double-crossing the badder guys. That shit's pretty real."

Sorry, this is mostly expositional. Let's skip to a better part of the conversation. Oh wait, here it comes!

"Wait, so why is Roxas acting so weird?" Kairi inquired.

Naminé sounded embarrassed. "Well, it's got something to do with that 'thing' we did a while back."

Cracking up, Kairi said, "Oh, no—don't tell me. The threesome you had with Axel? Or Lea, or whatever?"

"Exactly—and that stays between us, remember?" Naminé's voice groaned. "He wasn't, um…how should I put this? He wasn't really himself during that whole thing, and lately he's been trying to act really macho around his friends. I'm thinking about setting up another three-way to give 'im another shot."

"Well, now you know not to choose Axel," Kairi replied wittily. "Unless you want it to be a rematch…"

"We'll see. As for Sora, maybe you should just surprise him with a lightly shaved vuh-jay-jay? Honestly, you should've just banged him when you two took a shower last week."

"Hey, that's not my fault! There were two other girls trying to do the same thing!"

"Excuses. Go do it right now, Kairi. Go to his room, knock on the door, and perform fellatio on whoever answers."

"What? Right now?"

"Yeah, now. Go all X-rated on Sora until he forgets the past. Bet some decent neck'll cure any ill will in a heart—"

"That's right—Valentine's Day!" Kairi suddenly exclaimed. Checking her crooked calendar, she said, "Good, it's in two weeks. Hey, you know what I've always wanted to get Sora? A blue tuxedo like Phoenix Wright."

Offering her sincerest opinion, Naminé stated, "That's stupid. Try again."

"Fine. How 'bout a skateboard?"

"He has like, ten of 'em."

"Sephiroth pajamas?"

"Back to stupid, again."

"Dammit. Maybe he'll like some ice cream?"

"Woman, we've been through this already. Just purchase an electric shaver, attach the lowest guard possible—"

"That's not gonna be my present! He'll just think I'm trying to be easy for him, and Sora's not like that. He needs a present that says…" And then it occurred that she spotted her lucky charm sitting on her desk. "'You're the one I want to be with.'"

"Oh, something that'll make me vomit, then?" Naminé teased.

"Exactly." Picking up her charm, Kairi added, "Nothing too expensive or flashy." A magazine had been lying just below her lucky charm. Spotting something expensive and flashy on the cover, she added again, "Definitely not buying him a motorcycle."

As Kairi flipped through the pages of Activision Magazine, she heard Naminé's voice respond with, "Maybe you should consider becoming a modeling agent for Sora. You know he likes to pose like a complete moron. Can't you see him smirking on the cover of a Playgirl magazine?"

"Soon, Naminé, soon. But for right now, I'm thinking more along the lines of…yep, I found it!"

Kairi tore out the page in question, slapping it down on her desk in dramatic fashion. "I'll get him this! It's not quite fast and edgy like a motorcycle, but it's just what he needs!"

"Wait—don't tell me. Is it deodorant?"

"I'm hanging up, now! Buh-bye!"

Indeed, Kairi inexplicably concluded the mental connection with her blonde twin for now. Beaming down at the advertisement, she squeaked an excited laugh.

"Sora, it's time you relaxed in luxury—hovering, convertible Jacuzzi-style!"

-X-

A/N: Thanks for making it to the end! The author would genuinely appreciate reviews or feedback, which he takes more seriously than his own stories! You could probably tell by the lack of seriousness in this one passage alone. As always, stay tuned!