AN: Hey this is just something I thought up weeks ago. I wrote this for my friend Anya who LOVES "Avatar."
AN 2-13-10: Just minor edits.
"Avatar" trailer
(We see Jake opening his eyes)
Jake: Man, that was a good sleep...
Selfridge: You're Jake Sully?
Jake: Well, yes, last time I checked. Let me guess-you mistook me for Taylor Lautner again, huh?
Selfridge: Um..no.
Jake: Weird, cause everyone mistook me for him. Or my twin brother.
Selfridge: You look nothing like him Jake.
Jake: Really? Cause we're twins.
Selfridge: Taylor Lautner??
Jake: No, my brother!
Selfridge; Ohhhhhhh.....anyway, I'm Parker Selfridge...
Jake: Weird name. Self-fridge. Haha! Like those miniature portable fridges, with the-
Selfridge: Will you stop doing that?? I'd like to talk to you about a fresh start in a new world.
Jake: Man this sounds like the Pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Selfridge: Jake, be serious.
Jake: I am! You see in 1692-(obviously, Jake doesn't know his history!)
Selfridge: Shut up, and let me finish!
Jake: Rude...
Selfridge: You can make a difference.
Jake: Sweet, how?
Selfridge: Well, you'll see later in the trailer.
Jake: We're in a trailer?
(We see Jake in a wheelchair)
Jake: I became a Marine...for the hardship. I told myself I can pass any test a man can pass.
Grace: Or a Na'vi.
Jake: Oh, that's right! I'm going to-
Selfridge: Don't give the freaking ending away, you moron!
Jake: All I've ever wanted...was a single thing worth fighting for.
Trudy: Don't worry, Jake, you'll get that in the end between the RDA and the Na'vi, so the RDA doesn't destroy the-
Selfridge: Will you guys stop spoiling the ending??
Grace and Trudy: Boys...
(Pan over to Quaritch speaking to the group)
Quaritch: Man, I have a weird name...anyway, ladies and gentlemen-you're not in Kansas anymore-
Jake: (raising hand) Um, sir, we weren't there to begin with...
Quaritch: Oh come on! It's a parody for God's sake! (starts again) You're not in Kansas anymore-you're on PANDORA!!
Dorothy: Darn it, wrong stop!
Quaritch: What...?? How did SHE get on??
(Everyone shrugs)
Dorothy: Hello? Can you drop me off in Oz?
One of the recruits: Wrong fantasy world, kid.
Dorothy: Darn. Well, anyway-
Quaritch: Get out!! (tosses her out of the plane)
Dorothy (falls): GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: Wow, you're mean.
Grace: (pops up) He'll get meaner.
Quaritch: Grace, would you stop messing up this parody??
Grace: Well, technically, I'm making it funnier.
Quaritch: GRACE, dang it, I oughta-wait, how'd YOU get here?
Grace: (looks confused) I have no idea...
(Quaritch face-palms)
(Pan over Trudy flying the plane between the floating mountains in the Hallelujah Mountains)
Trudy: You should see your faces!
Jake: (looking in the mirror) Yup, I'm seeing it-wow I look surprised.
(Trudy face-palms. She accidentally lets go of the steering wheel in the process and the plane nosedives)
Trudy: WHA?? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (takes up controls again and flies them to safety)
Jake: Whew...hallelujah, we survived!
Trudy: That was the worst pun I've ever heard.
(Go to where Quaritch is at with the recruits)
Quaritch: We have an indigenous population called the Na'vi. They are VERY hard to kill.
Jake: Actually, in the movie, a lot of-
Quaritch: Why did we freaking hire you??
Selfridge: (points to rock in his hand) This is why we're here.
Jake: It's a rock.
Selfridge: Not just any rock-this little gray rock sells for 20 million a kilo-
(People rush over and tackle him to get the rock)
Guy: I need a Wii!
Girl: I I need that new Justin Bieber CD!!
Jake: Ponies!!
Selfridge: AGH!! NO!! STOP THAT!! THIS IS YOUR PAY!!
(Quaritch cocks his gun. Everyone stops and backs off)
Selfridge: Thank you, Miles.
Jake: I thought his name was Quaritch.
Quaritch: It's my last name. Miles is my first name.
Jake: Oh....
Selfridge: (rings up the Hometree hologram) Their village happens to be sitting on the richest deposit-
Jake: Ohh, pretty tree!
Selfridge:...and they need to relocate!
Selfridge: (yells at Grace) Those savages are threatening our whole operation!!
Jake: Man, this sounds like "Pocahontas."
Grace: You know, it does! The plot, your love interest with the enemy, the-
Selfridge: Grace, can it!! We're on the brink of war, and you're supposed to be finding a diplomatic solution.
Grace: I thought I was recording the life on Pandora and teaching the Na'vi our-
Selfridge: Forget it!!
(Pan over the Avatar machines and operations)
Voiceover: The concept is drive these human-controlled bodies-they grow from human DNA mixed with the DNA of the natives.
Jake: (looks around panicked) WHERE IS THAT NOISE COMING FROM?? MAKE IT STOP!!
(Everyone rolls their eyes)
Quaritch: A Marine in an Avatar body? That's a potent : Hm...the root "potent" means "powerful," so I AM FREAKING AWESOME!!(Awkward silence)
Quaritch: You get me what I need, I'll see to it you'll get your legs back-your real ones.
Jake: Oh yeah, sir.
(Observing Jake's avatar)
Norm: Looks like you.
Jake: No, not really. It has blue skin, long hair, the catlike eyes, the weird long ears-
Norm: Huh, wonder why they put that line in there then. This is YOUR avatar, Jake.
(Grace waves flashlight over Jake as he prepares to link with his Avatar)
Grace: Just relax and let your mind go blank...it shouldn't be hard for you.
Norm: BURN!!!
(On plane)
Jake: WHOOOO!!!!
Norm: Man this is stupid and reckless.
Trudy: Where have we heard THAT before?
(Everyone shrugs)
(Quaritch talks to Jake)
Quaritch: Jake, it's REAL simple...
Jake: Like the Pathogren Theorem?
Quaritch: What?
Jake: It's in geometry, when you take a-
Quaritch: Never mind! I want you learn from the inside, I want you to gain their trust.
Jake: Easy.
Trudy: Meh, later you'll-
Quaritch: GET OUT OF HERE!!
Trudy: I SO should get an advance on my pay.
(We see Jake in his avatar and Ney'tiri)
Ney'tiri: You should not be here. (does that weird hand gesture)
Jake: :-/
Ney'tiri: Go back.
Jake: If I do, it'll ruin the plot!
(See the RDA's machines destroy the trees)
Ney'tiri: All this is your fault...
Jake: Actually, it's also Selfridge's and Quaritch's, even though I betrayed you all.
Neytiri: This is not helping the mating relationship.
(She jumps off a cliff)
Jake: "New Moon"!
Ney'tiri: What does a new moon have to do with your training?
Jake: Well, it's a movie, and in that-
Ney'tiri: Never mind-just jump.
Jake: You're trying to kill me??
Ney'tiri: At times, I wish I could.
(Quaritch dramatically walks back in forth in front of Jake)
Quaritch: Haven't got lost in the woods have you?
Jake: Well, in the beginning I was chased by a Thanator and so I ran into-
Quaritch: Ugh, not that!! You forget what team you're playing for?
Jake: Actually, I'm rooting for the Yankees this year.
(Quaritch continuosly bashes his head against the table)
Selfridge: (walks by and sees him) Jake, you have done it-you have made one of our greatest people go insane...anyway, Jake, you got one hour!
Jake: Wait, what?
Selfridge: To convince the Na'vi to move their butts or we'll run them over with the bulldozers!!
(We see the RDA ranshack the forest)
Ney'tiri: You knew this would happen??
Jake: Everything changed...(looks lovingly at her)
Na'vi: Aw...how heartfelt...
Ney'tiri: I really don't appreciate this audience.
(RDA running around and gathering weapons)
Max: Jake, it's crazy here!
Jake: Wasn't it crazy the day I joined?
Max: Well, yes, but it's crazier now.
Jake: How so?
Max: They're trying to slaughter the Na'vi, cut down the Hometree, and ravage the whole forest.
Jake: That IS crazy.
Max: Quaritch is rolling and there's no stopping him.
Jake: Not if we can help it!...oh, that was dramatic!
(Trudy speaking anxiously)
Trudy: We're going against gunships...with bows and arrows.
Jake: We're screwed.
(Everyone gives him a look)
Jake: I mean...I guess we better stop them?
Trudy: You're bringing our self-esteem down.
(See the RDA destroying the forest)
Jake: They've sent us a message-that they can take whatever they want. Well, we'll send them a message-that this-THIS IS OUR LAND!!
(Na'vi cheer)
Jake: Man, I should be a speech writer!
Ney'tiri: Can you be a warrior first?
Jake: Well, heck yeah-I am awesome!
Tsu'Tey: Dude, NEY'TIRI had to save you from Quaritch before he killed you.
Jake: Shut up, no wonder I don't like you!
Tsu'Tey: I'm the one who wanted to kill you! You stole my love, my girl-
Ney'tiri: Can we not talk about this now??
(Battle scenes with dramatic ending)
Jake: "Avatar: the Last Airbender"-
Trudy, Neytiri, and Grace: WRONG MOVIE!!
Jake: Oh, right, yes-"Avatar"...coming to theaters in-
Grace: Whoa, we're in a movie?? When did this happen??
(Everyone groans)