Not over you
I'm over him, that is what I tell myself; finally free of the hold he has over me but when I'm alone in my flat and there he is in my head and thoughts again, I know that I'm just kidding myself.
It's been so long since we have been together, eight months infact. Not that I am counting. I miss him. I hate that he has moved on from me, he doesn't even want me around any more. When we worked together it was okay, I knew that I could get under his skin and that he'd want me again; but when he fired me and kissed that guy, I knew he was breaking free from me, only thing was; I didn't want to break free from him.
It's odd not having him around, not being in my life and taking over it, not controlling my friendships and relationships, he'd always put a stop to them. He'd seen me with Doug and it had no effect on him, he wouldn't of had that before, that's how I know he's moved on, so why can't I?
I thought we were gonna be together, I really did. After he destroyed me and Noah and told me he loved me, I thought he'd change but he didn't and I don't think he ever will. I sometimes wonder why he killed Danny for me he said he just wanted to protect me but then he hurt me worse over and over.
I remember the last time he hit me; I was only trying to help. Declan had asked me not to tell his dad he was with me and I know it was wrong now but I just did what I thought was right at the time.
Most people would have thanked me for that, but not him.
I knew from that day that he would never be any different with me; he would always be the same and probably always hit me.
But when he promised me, I fell for it, like I did every single time. I shouldn't still love him, I know that but he made me feel so wanted and when it was good between us, when it was just me and him, it was amazing.
It's been a while since we spoke and I thought he would have come sniffing around by now and although I should be happy that he hasn't, I'm not. What is it with me? I must like getting treated badly, I have often thought about going to see him, but what would I say? He would only be gloating about the fact that I went back to him, I did see him a little while ago, when I was looking for Cheryl to ask for a reference.
I thought I felt something between us still, he asked me if there was anything he could do for me, but in a suggestive way. I of course said no and quickly left, not because I wanted to, but because my heart was pounding, and I didn't want to say no, I wanted to tell him that I needed him still but what good would it do, he won't change for me will he?
I often think of times when we were together, the good and the bad; I think I put up with the bad because when we had good times, they were the best. Sex between us was like nothing I've ever experienced before; no one else has ever made me feel the way Brendan Brady did. Am I wrong to still want him so much?
It doesn't matter anymore anyway because I would never tell him how I feel and he will never want me again, not now. I've hoped and waited for months, for nothing. He seems to be pretty occupied with Joel, maybe he's his new toy now. Just thinking of it makes me jealous.
I often wonder why he is so nice to him now; it's the same with Mitzeee. The day I got fired he wouldn't give her the time of day, and now they're mates again, it's like he's nice to everybody except me. All I did was love him, I never deserved the way he treated me, I know he had his issues with being gay, but to push me away again and again – why?
I shouldn't have gone back to him, but how can I resist him? He's gorgeous and he knows he is. Just the way he said my name
"Stephen"
I could just hear it now, and even thinking about it did things to me. Maybe things will turn around for me, and I might meet someone else, I hope he doesn't though; just thinking of him with another bloke is enough to turn my stomach.
It should be easy to let him go, I'm hardly ever around him anymore, but it's not, I still remember everything. All those feelings, all the times, I remember him every single day.
How could he forget me? Move on so quickly? I thought we had more than that, obviously I was wrong. He used me like he did all the others.
Maybe it's better this way, how could we ever change? Our relationship will always be the same; it's been that way for too long.
But i can't help but hope.
My thoughts of him have become part of my everyday life; it's just like breathing – something you need to do. I love him, but I hate him, he drives me crazy but I've learnt to live with it and accept how I feel about him – it's easier than pretending I don't and struggling to move on.
I wish I could forget him like he has forgotten me, but I can't. He always did tell me I was weak. I just thought he'd be with me again, like all the other times before.
Being here alone in the flat didn't help me. Amy and the kids were away, and there wasn't much else to do but think of him. So when I heard a knock at the door, it made me jump. I thought to myself how late it was, and wondered who would be here at this time, but I knew it could only be one person. I knew that familiar knock.
I quickly rushed over to the door, my heart almost beating out of my chest, I opened the door and there he was, standing there smiling. He'd come back, I knew he would; or at least hoped he would, I didn't wanna smile back, but I couldn't help myself; he always did have that effect on me. I wanted to shout at him, ask him why he treated me this way, but I didn't, I couldn't. I was just glad he was here again
"I need ye Stephen"
Was all he said to me, he came inside and I closed the door, letting myself be used by him again.
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