Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not my property. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: Flashbacks are in italics.
Jack jerked awake and sat up in bed, realizing he had been having another disturbing dream about Sam. Rubbing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he got out of bed.
Pushing back the window curtain, he looked outside in the morning light to see that there was snow on the ground and it was still coming down.
Feeling the overwhelming urge to get out of the house to take a walk and clear his head from the dream, he quickly dressed.
Walking into the kitchen, he wrote a note to the other occupants of the house to let them know he would be returning soon.
Putting on his warmest jacket, he pulled the hood up over his head and came out on the porch. Standing still for a few moments, he watched the snow flakes fall gently to the ground.
Taking a shortcut through his yard, he started up the sidewalk that led to the nearby park. A gust of wind hit him in the face but he barely felt the sting of cold air as he slowly walked along, hands in his pockets.
People might think he was crazy if they saw him, wondering why he was out in this freezing weather when he could be at home, sitting by a blazing fire. But here he was, making the effort to put one foot in front of the other instead of being inside his warm house, a lonely house he had once shared with his wife.
Looking up at the cloudy sky, he whispered "where are you, Sam?"
Wandering further around the park, he pulled the hood of his jacket tighter to shield his ears from the wind as tears filled his eyes. Today marked the two year anniversary of Sam's disappearance and since then he hadn't been the same.
When he had received his first star and became commander of the base, Sam had taken over R&D at Area 51. During the short time that she was out of his chain of command, they had married in a brief ceremony.
He and Sam had not realized how happy they could be until they had finally married and even though their jobs were in different states, they spent time together as much as possible on their days off.
A few months after their wedding, they were ecstatic to learn that Sam was pregnant. She had stayed at Area 51 until the beginning of her ninth month when she had returned home to Colorado Springs. She wanted to spend the last weeks of her pregnancy getting the nursery ready for the baby and he loved having her around all the time.
They had found out that they were having a boy.
As he stood beside Sam in the paint department of a home improvement store, he had watched with amusement when it had taken her over a half hour to choose the perfect shade of blue paint for the nursery.
He had tried to act irritated when she had dragged him to numerous baby stores to pick out just the right curtains, crib, rocking chair, stroller, car seat, toys and tiny baby boy clothes, but Sam had seen right through him and knew he was enjoying this as much as she was.
He tried not to laugh as he watched her sit on the sofa with her legs stretched out and her swollen bare feet on the coffee table, as she tried to balance her laptop on her thighs while reaching around her large tummy to type on her computer. He thought she looked adorable.
Just one week before their first wedding anniversary, Sam gave birth to Dylan Jacob O'Neill, named for both his grandfathers.
When Dylan was two months old, Sam returned to Stargate Command as a research consultant, working in her lab and only in the mornings, leaving the rest of the day to spend with Dylan.
Knowing they needed someone to take care of their son while he and Sam were at the base, they interviewed several people. When Mrs. Graham, a widow, interviewed for the job, they hired her on the spot. Having four children and eight grandchildren of her own, he and Sam felt she certainly had enough on-the-job experience to take care of one little boy. Mrs. Graham was kind and patient and Dylan had taken to her at once.
As Dylan grew, he loved to see the smile on Sam's face as she would play with Dylan and make him giggle. She loved being a mother and they had discussed having a second child.
Sometime before Dylan's third birthday, the leader of SG-1, who had only been on the job for a few months, was killed off-world so he cautiously offered the job to Sam. Since she now had Dylan to consider, she thought long and hard before finally accepting the position and they hired Mrs. Graham to work full time.
If he and Sam had known what was about to happen, he now knew that he would not have offered her the position and she definitely would not have gone off-world.
The fluffy white flakes were coming down heavier, but he hardly noticed as he wiped the moisture from his eyes and his thoughts went back to that defining day that had drastically changed his and Dylan's lives.
Sam had been leading SG-1 for a few short weeks when he had sent the team to explore an uncharted planet.
Sitting in his office, he tried not to think that SG-1 was overdue from their mission. As Sam's CO, these were the moments he hated most, when his former team had not returned on schedule.
He had tried to contact the team by radio but could not get a response.
He was about to order SG-3 to gear up for a rescue mission when the gate began to turn and they received SG-1's IDC. As he watched from the window of the control room, Teal'c and Daniel came through the event horizon but Sam wasn't with them. His two friends hurried down the ramp to explain what had happened.
After exploring the planet for two days and finding nothing of importance, Sam had just said to Daniel and Teal'c that they should return home, when they heard a sound and looked up in the bright sky to see a ship coming to a sudden stop overhead. Sam asked Teal'c if he recognized the ship but he did not.
The team looked around for a place to hide but there was no time as five men descended to the surface. The first thing they noticed about the men was that they were short in stature, only three or four inches over five feet tall. The men were dressed in black robes that came to the ground, their arms crossed and hidden inside the sleeves.
SG-1 raised their weapons in a defensive maneuver as Daniel tried to converse with the men but they spoke in a language he did not recognize.
The group talked among themselves for a few moments until one of the men quickly pulled his hand from his sleeve, held up something that looked like a small mirror and a bright light shot out from the object. Before any of SG-1 could react, they fell to the ground, leaving them unconscious.
Teal'c and Daniel awoke to find that Sam, the men and the ship were gone.
Since darkness was settling over the planet, Teal'c and Daniel knew they had been unconscious for quite some time so they hurried to the gate to inform him of what had taken place.
He called General Hammond to come from Washington to take command of the base while he went with Teal'c, Daniel, SG-3 and SG-12 back to the planet to search for anyone that might know who the men were who had taken Sam.
Arriving on the planet, he ordered the teams to go in different directions.
After covering as much territory as they could for four days, the teams met up once again at the stargate. They had found no signs of civilization, no one who could tell them where Sam might be, so everyone returned to Earth.
He had gotten in touch with all their allies. Thor had scanned the planet where Sam had been kidnapped as well as nearby planets to search for signs of life, but had found none.
He accompanied many teams to search other planets, hoping to find any information they could about Sam, but no one seemed to know who the men were or where they had come from.
He and General Hammond did everything they could possibly think of to try to locate Sam but she had simply disappeared.
General Hammond eventually had to return to Washington and he had tried to take over once again as Commander of the base, but his heart wasn't in it. He became distracted easily in briefings, couldn't concentrate on the endless paperwork, was short tempered with everyone and was constantly on edge, thinking about how this was affecting Dylan.
He returned home as often as he could to see his son, knowing that Dylan greatly missed his Mother. Almost every time he would come through the door, Dylan would ask for Mommy and start to cry when he didn't see her. Taking Dylan in his arms from Mrs. Graham, he would try to comfort his son as best he could.
He found it hard to sleep and when he finally did, he dreamed of Sam, trying to find her on some godforsaken planet. He would wake up in a cold sweat, realizing that no matter how hard he tried to find her, he could not.
Other nights he would dream of making love with Sam and he would awake and realize she wasn't there beside him, breaking his heart over and over again. He would stare into the darkness and tears would wet his pillow as he berated himself for offering Sam the job in the first place.
Sometimes in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep, he would wander through the house and finally end up in Dylan's room. He would look at his son as he slept, desperately wishing that he could find Sam to bring her home.
Three months after Sam's disappearance, he met with Teal'c and Daniel and told them his plans. Knowing his heart was no longer in his job, he wanted to retire. Dylan needed him even more, now that he had to be both mother and father to his son.
He had told his two closest friends that Charlie's death and not knowing what had happened to Sam were the most devastating events he had ever lived through. If he knew for certain that Sam was dead, he could finally accept it and move on with his life, but not knowing what had happened to her was taking a toll on his health, mentally and physically.
He had given his resignation to General Hammond who was not surprised that he wanted to end his career.
Walter asked to give him a retirement party but he had refused. Under the circumstances, he wanted to quietly retire without any fanfare.
Colonel Reynolds was promoted to Brigadier General and had taken over as commander of the base.
The week after his retirement, he dismissed Mrs. Graham, although she still stayed with Dylan occasionally when he needed her to.
Daniel, Teal'c and Janet spent as much time with Dylan and himself as they could. Cassie loved to baby sit and had become a surrogate big sister to Dylan.
He met with an attorney and had taken steps to have Daniel become Dylan's guardian in case something happened to him.
He desperately missed his wife and although she was no longer on Earth, his love for her had not diminished in the least.
He shivered in the cold as the snow blew around him. Glancing at his watch, he realized he had been gone longer than he thought he would and knew he needed to get back to his house to get warm. Getting sick was something he definitely wanted to avoid.
As he came around the corner and down the street, he could see Cassie and Dylan in his front yard, bundled up in coats, hats and mittens. Apparently, they had awakened just after he left for his walk and were now rolling snow into a big ball to make a snowman.
A memory came to mind as he watched his son.
Sam had been missing for over a year when Daniel came by one Saturday afternoon to visit.
They went out on the deck and sat down to talk as Dylan played in the backyard.
Dylan saw Daniel and ran up on the deck.
"Hey, Dylan. How ya doing?"
"Okay" he answered as he climbed up on Daniel's lap.
"Your Dad told me you've started pre-school. Do you like it?"
Dylan nodded his head. "Yeah, it's fun."
"What do you do there?"
"Well, we play on the swings and the monkey bars and we draw and paint and color and we have snacks and take naps and count and learn the ABC's and we do all kinds of stuff."
"So you're making lots of new friends?"
"Yes."
He grinned. "Dylan, tell Daniel what Madeline did."
Dylan scrunched up his face.
"Who's Madeline?"
"A girl at school" Dylan answered softly.
"What did she do, Dylan?"
"She kissed me!"
Daniel grinned. "Did you kiss her back?"
Dylan shook his head. "No way!"
"You didn't like being kissed?"
"It's yucky! I don't like girls!"
Daniel laughed. "We'll see if you still feel that way in another ten years."
Dylan slid off Daniel's lap. "I'm gonna go play in my room."
They watched as Dylan opened the door and went inside.
Daniel leaned back in his chair and they sat in silence for a few moments. "So, Jack, how are you?"
He hesitated for a moment and stared straight ahead. "Fine."
Daniel took a deep breath. "Jack, I've known you for a long time so tell me the truth."
He turned his head and looked at Daniel. "What do you want me to say? That life is just peachy? That I've never been happier?"
"No, Jack. I know you're not happy, be honest with me. I'm your best friend so talk to me."
Standing up, he walked to the banister and grasped it tightly as he stared into the yard. "Sam's clothes are still in our closet. I can't bring myself to pack them away because I keep hoping she'll be back to wear them. Her hairbrush is still on the bathroom vanity right where she left it. I sometimes think I smell her perfume and I turn around to see if it's her, but realize it's just my imagination and she's not there. There's a can of Diet Coke in the refrigerator that I can't bring myself to throw out because I know how much Sam likes it. I parked her car in the garage and haven't driven it since she disappeared. I keep thinking she'll be back to drive it again. Her Indian hasn't been touched. I keep hoping its owner will come home to take it out for a spin. I thought about putting away all of Sam's pictures but decided to leave them out because I don't want Dylan to forget his Mother. I wake up sometimes at night with my heart pounding from dreaming about Sam, knowing I can't find her to bring her home. Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't miss her and wonder if she's dead or if she is alive, is she okay? Is she being held prisoner and if so, is she being raped or tortured and has she lost all faith in me, thinking that I've abandoned her and haven't rescued her? I watch Dylan cry himself to sleep because he wants his Mother. I listen to our son ask me over and over again with such pain in his eyes 'is Mommy ever coming home?'"
He put his hand to his mouth as tears filled his eyes.
Daniel stood up and put his arm around his shoulder without saying a word.
Feeling embarrassed, he quickly wiped away the moisture. "I'm sorry."
"Jack, it's okay. That's one of the very few times I've seen you cry in all the years I've known you. I'd think something was really wrong if this situation didn't get to you so don't apologize for your feelings. I know I'm not you and I don't know how you really feel but I have some idea of what you're going through. I didn't know where Sha're was for a year and it was pure torture not knowing what had happened to her. I know what it's like to miss the woman you love so don't apologize for letting your guard down and showing how you feel."
They sat back down and he glanced at Daniel. "You're a good friend and I know I don't tell you that often enough."
"That's what good friends are for, Jack, is to lean on each other when life becomes almost unbearable."
Jack stared at Dylan. It was hard to realize that his son was now almost five years old.
Dylan saw him coming and waved.
"Hey, Dad!"
"Hi, Dylan."
Cassie grinned. "Come on, Jack, we could use your help."
He picked up some snow and formed a ball in his hands, placed it on the ground and started to roll it in the snow.
The three worked together and soon had a snowman about five feet tall.
Cassie found some acorns on the ground and used those to make a face for the snowman and as she finished, they stood back to admire their work.
Cassie smiled. "Dylan, you did a great job."
Dylan tugged on Jack's hand. "Let's make another one!"
Jack grinned. "Maybe later. We need to go inside and get warm. I don't want you or Cassie getting sick from being out here too long in this cold air."
Cassie took Dylan's hand. "Come on, we'll make hot chocolate."
Jack took Dylan's other hand as they carefully climbed the slick steps.
When lunch time came, they carried their food to the living room. Dylan and Cassie sat on the floor and Jack sat on the sofa.
Jack turned on the TV and they watched an Avalanche game as they ate and after they had eaten, Cassie took the dishes to the kitchen.
Dylan got up from the floor and sat on Jack's lap.
Jack's attention was focused on the game for a few minutes until he looked down at Dylan and noticed him staring out the window.
Jack gave him a nudge. "What cha thinking about?"
"Mommy."
Cassie returned to the living room and having heard what Dylan had said, she sat back down and waited for Jack to respond.
Jack put the TV on mute. "What exactly were you thinking?"
Dylan looked into his eyes. "Is Mommy ever coming home?"
Jack glanced at Cassie as she stared at the floor, trying not to cry.
Jack gently rubbed Dylan's back. "I don't know. We don't know where she is."
Tears came to Dylan's eyes. "Why can't you find her? Don't you want Mommy to come home?"
Jack swallowed the lump in his throat. "More than anything. I want more than anything for your Mom to be here with us and I wish we could find her."
When Sam had been taken, he had chosen not to tell Dylan that Sam had been kidnapped, fearing it would only scare Dylan and give him nightmares. He couldn't tell Dylan about the stargate, that his Mom was taken on another planet. People would think Dylan was mentally unstable if he told everyone that his Mom had disappeared some place very far away. He had simply told him that Sam was lost.
Dylan looked down at his hands. "Is Mommy mad at me? Is that why she left me?"
Jack glanced at Cassie and tears filled her eyes as she suddenly stood up and left the room.
Jack turned off the television and turned Dylan around so he could look into his face.
"Dylan, this was not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. Your Mom was lost while doing her job. Uncle Danny and Uncle T and many other people have tried to help me find her. Please try to understand that your Mom would never leave you for any reason if she could help it. She loves you very much and wherever she is, I'm sure she misses you too and wants to be here with us."
Tears started down Dylan's cheeks. "I miss Mommy. I want her to come home so she can play with me in the snow."
Jack choked back tears. "I want her home too."
Dylan looked into Jack's eyes. "Are you going to leave me like Mommy did?"
Jack hugged Dylan to him. "No, Dylan, I'm not going to leave you. I promise I won't."
Jack held Dylan until he fell asleep. Slowly standing up, he carried Dylan to his room and laid him on his bed. He removed Dylan's shoes, covered him with a blanket and kissed his forehead.
Jack went into the bathroom, closed the door and leaned against it. Putting his hand to his mouth, he closed his eyes and took several deep breaths as he tried to control his emotions.
Going into the kitchen, he found Cassie washing dishes.
"Cass, you could have put those in the dishwasher."
Cassie sniffed. "Gave me something to do."
They stood in silence until Cassie looked up at Jack. "This is so hard on all of us but especially Dylan. He's just a little boy and he needs his Mother."
Jack stared out the window. "I know. I don't know what to say to him sometimes. Nothing is going to make him feel better until Sam walks through the door."
Cassie dried her hands and crossed her arms. "Do you think Sam's really out there somewhere or do you think she's . . . ?"
"Dead?"
"Yes."
"I won't ever give up hope, Cass. I can't. For Dylan's sake I just can't. I know that if Sam is still alive, she'll do everything in her power to come back to us if she can."
Cassie turned around and leaned against the counter. "Mom really misses her. I heard her tell Teal'c and Daniel not long ago that she's trying to stay positive that Sam is okay and will come home."
Jack sighed. "All of our allies are aware she's missing. I keep hoping that someone will see her or hear something about her and will let us know so we can go get her and bring her home."
~oOo~
A few months later, Jack, Dylan, Daniel, Janet and Teal'c sat around the dining room table as Cassie slowly entered from the kitchen carrying a birthday cake with five lit candles.
Everyone sang Happy Birthday as Cassie gently set the cake on the table.
After they finished singing, Cassie sat down by Dylan. "Make a wish before you blow them out."
Dylan tightly closed his eyes for a few moments. Opening his eyes, he took a deep breath and blew out the candles.
Everyone applauded as Janet stood up to remove the candles from the cake and Dylan looked at Jack.
"Want to know what I wished for, Dad?"
Before he could answer, Dylan said "I wished for Mommy to come home."
The room became quiet as everyone glanced at each other, not knowing what to say.
Jack smiled at his son. "We'll all keep wishing that your Mom comes home."
Janet tried not to cry as she picked up a knife. "Since it's Dylan's birthday, he should have the first and the biggest slice of cake."
Dylan grinned and nodded his head.
Later that day, Daniel and Janet sat on the deck watching Jack, Dylan, Teal'c and Cassie toss around a football in Jack's backyard.
Daniel stared at Jack. "Jack has aged a lot since Sam's been missing."
Janet nodded her head in agreement. "I don't know what would become of him if he didn't have Dylan, he's what keeps him going."
They both chuckled as they watched Dylan grab the football and Teal'c quickly picked him up and ran to the other side of the yard as if they had just scored a touchdown.
Dylan thrust his fist into the air. "We win! We win!"
"Hey, that's not fair!" Cassie yelled as she put her hands on her hips and Jack began to laugh.
Teal'c set Dylan on the ground and Dylan looked up at him. "We won, didn't we Uncle T?"
Teal'c tipped his head and smiled. "Indeed."
~oOo~
That night after everyone had left and Dylan had his bath, Jack followed Dylan into his bedroom. Jack opened the dresser drawer to get a clean pair of Dylan's pajamas.
"I had fun today, Dad."
Jack smiled. "I'm glad you had a good time."
A look of sadness came to Dylan's face as he looked up at Jack. "Do you think Mommy will be home for my next birthday?"
Jack gently put his hand to the back of Dylan's head. "I hope she is."
After Dylan was in bed, Jack went out on the deck and looked up at the millions of stars.
"Today is Dylan's birthday, Sam, but if you're alive, I'm sure you remembered. Dylan and I miss you so much, our lives just aren't the same without you. Are you still alive? If you are, please don't feel that I've abandoned you because I haven't, I just don't know where else to look. Dylan and I love you and we're not giving up hope that you'll be back soon. Please come home to Dylan, Sam. Please come home to me."
TBC