A/N - Not sure if this is a oneshot or a collection of drabbles, but it works either way. For those of you who haven't explored Pottermore yet, Elphinstone is McGonagall's husband. It'll become clear why I've mentioned this.
Disclaimer: I could never have dreamed up a character as complex as Severus.
He knew his father hated it when his mother used magic, but he'd thought he wouldn't see. They both did. So when Severus had asked her, begged her, to make that bright blue flame with her wand, his mother couldn't resist. It flickered and danced before his eyes, that pretty blue flame that gave him hope; hope that one day he would escape to Hogwarts. He clung to the stories his mother told him of her own days there, when that rare smile would light up her tired features. It was there now, watching the little flame burn bright in air between them, their secret.
Neither had noticed his father enter the room silently, nor seen his face contort with rage when he'd seen what they were hiding from him. So when he struck her, Severus screamed. The attack was as sudden as the rage, and the tiny boy had no escape. Burying his head in his hands he sobbed silently as he tried to ignore the sound of knuckles crunching against skin. It felt like forever that he sat slumped in the corner of his bedroom; he could feel each second of the long years that separated him from his escape, from Hogwarts. He squeezed his eyes shut and wished to be an adult, a fully grown wizard who could blast his father off his feet with no effort at all.
He silently promised that when he was an adult, he would save her from him. When he was an adult, with his own house and the means to support her, he would take her away and look after her. She would do magic without fear, and perhaps he would see her smile more. Now he was powerless to do anything more than whimper as his father barked,
"Boy. Out."
He staggered to his feet and began shuffling from the room, averting his eyes from the immobile figure lying in a heap next to his bed. When she stirred, however, it caught his eye and he slowed, turning to look at his mother's bloodied face. One of her eyes was swollen shut and he had a large gash in her lip, the blood from which had spread all over her face. Still, with great effort, she breathed a feeble,
"Severus... please..."
He couldn't. He wouldn't. He walked away. She didn't live long enough for him to save her.
Her eyes were bright and pleading. Severus couldn't look away but her gaze frightened him. He'd always known that she disapproved of his choice of friends, but he was already persecuted by the Gryffindors in his year; it would be ten times worse if his own house were to turn on him as well. And Severus couldn't deny that when they talked about wiping out the Muggles, the image of his father's face as he crumpled beneath him sent a surge of anticipation through his veins.
Still, he couldn't lose her. In his lowest moments, she reminded him that he was human, and that he was loved. Even if it wasn't the way he wanted to be.
This, he reminded himself, was why he hated Gryffindors; that odd compulsion to be truthful, and Lily was the worst of them all. The way she gazed so intently at him told Severus that she truly cared about him, and he could no longer fool himself that it was simply prejudice on her part. That had never really worked, but he liked to think that it did, for a time.
Despite this, he wasn't going to back down, she might think she knew what was best for him, but she had never understood how he felt about so many things,
"Lily, I know what you think about them. Really, I do. But what would I have without them? The rest of the school hates me, do you honestly want me to give up the only friends I have?" he tried to tell her, but Lily was not to be so easily placated.
"There are plenty of other people in your house, Sev. They aren't rude to you, they don't bully you. You could easily be friends with them. It's just Avery and Mulciber; they know where they're going once they leave and it's straight into his employ. Malfoy's got them both wrapped around his little finger, doing all the dirty work he's afraid of getting into trouble for. Is that honestly what you want to spend your life doing?" She begged, but Severus had no answer for her.
He shook his head. She was right, but that wasn't going to stop him. He could hear Avery calling him from across the courtyard, and he shot her an apologetic look before he turned away. He barely heard her whispered,
"Severus... please..."
He couldn't. He wouldn't. He walked away. He spent the rest of his life punishing himself.
Halloween was never a good day. It had been ten years, and yet somehow the pain was still as sharp when he woke up in the morning. The evening was even worse, the sheer joy and excitement of the students made him feel sick. The laughter and the celebration felt so very wrong and as a result, the students of Hogwarts were all aware that crossing Snape on Halloween was not a wise move.
Unfortunately for a pair of Hufflepuff first years, this rule had not yet been made clear, and it was thus that Severus found himself standing in a Fourth Floor corridor, handing out punishments that most certainly did not fit the crime of squabbling loudly over the last fairy cake, smuggled out of the Great Hall. As the pair scuttled away with tears in their eyes, Severus became aware of a presence behind him, and he spun around to see Minerva McGonagall looking at him with a mixture of severity and sympathy.
"Are you sure that was entirely necessary, Severus?" she asked, her voice lower and softer than usual. It infuriated him,
"I don't recall asking you to tell me how to do my job, Minerva." He pointed out sharply, and she sighed in exasperation.
"You know very well that isn't what this is about. As your senior in this school, that ought to be my concern. However, as your colleague, I must ask you whether anything is bothering you. I know we don't see eye to eye, but it doesn't take much skill to understand when someone is suffering."
"How very Hufflepuff of you," he responded wryly, and he could swear he saw Minerva's mouth twitch upwards. "I appreciate your concern, but it is really nothing you need worry yourself about."
She was not to be dissuaded, however, and went on; demonstrating that hideous talent of hers for gauging exactly why one was upset.
"It's the day, isn't it? Lily and James." He scoffed, like he cared about Potter, "Don't do that, Severus. I know you and Lily were friends at one point. Always baffled me, but she meant a lot to you, didn't she?"
That was it, the final straw. He would not listen to her assumptions any longer, not when they were so accurate and yet nowhere near the extent of his misery, his guilt, his constant emptiness.
"You know nothing," he snarled, and felt a sort of vindictive pleasure in the fleeting look of hurt that passed over her face.
"Then enlighten me," she said simply, "because it might help you. Not to mention the entire student body." Minerva ventured a small smile, and though a part of Severus wanted nothing more than to give this pain to someone else, he could not bear the pitiful looks she gave him, or her quiet, composed superiority. He shook his head, his mouth a hard line, refusing to budge. He did not reply when she whispered,
"Severus... please..."
He couldn't. He wouldn't. He walked away. Later, Albus told him that Elphinstone had also died on Halloween.
He was startled when Lupin stepped out in front of him. The man looked pale, exhausted, so very nearly defeated. Yet somehow, Severus could not find it in his heart to feel pity, not that he tried very hard. When Lupin opened his mouth to speak, his voice was weak and rasping,
"Severus, I'm sorry for ambushing you like this; I simply wanted to apologise for what Sirius and I put you through last night." His tone was earnest, and yet Severus had learned never to take seriously words that came from the mouth of a Marauder. He raised his eyebrows and replied,
"I doubt he will appreciate your speaking for him, I was under the impression that he disliked me. Or am I mistaken?"
Lupin's shy half smile disappeared and he looked even more defeated than before.
"You'll never forgive him, will you?" Lupin sighed, and Severus laughed mirthlessly.
"Perhaps you've forgotten, Lupin, but even if he isn't a mass murderer, he did try to kill me. So if you'll excuse me, I'd like some breakfast."
He hadn't expected Lupin to answer at all, let alone to say,
"Severus, wait. I know we've had our differences, but I am immensely grateful for all you've done for me this year. We are, after all, on the same side and since we'll be working together I'd rather we weren't enemies. We needn't be friends but I at least will try..."
Severus cut him off before he could finish, a sly, vindictive smile spreading over his face as he said,
"I don't think that will be necessary."
For a second, Lupin looked confused, but confusion soon turned to horror as Severus explained,
"Allowing a werewolf to go running around the grounds is really not safe for the students, and they deserve to be made aware of it."
He did not look at his old rival as he swept away down the corridor, and it filled him with a twisted kind of pleasure to hear Lupin begging,
"Severus... please..."
He couldn't. He wouldn't. He walked away. Months later, when he next met the werewolf, Severus felt not only pity, but regret.
At the Top of the Astronomy Tower, with Draco trembling behind him, Severus looked his mentor in the eye and knew what Dumbledore would ask him before it was uttered. In that moment, he loathed the man utterly and he almost relished the opportunity he knew he was about to be presented with. Almost. Yet Severus knew he was not a killer, not truly one of them, but this act would cement his place among them. He knew that as soon as he uttered those two devastating words that the only being who knew his true nature would be gone.
But it was for her. For her son. He braced himself as he heard the words he knew were coming,
"Severus... please..."
He could. He would. He raised his wand.
A/N - Reviews... please...?