Midna's Final Prank
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Zelda; that's why I'm sitting here writing this disclaimer.
Da Scribbler says: Alright, another Zelda fic! This is, as stated in the summary, a parody, so yeah, enjoy the humour! XD
This is NOT the other Twilight Princess fic I mentioned - that one is taking forever to write. This one is mostly the product of me and my friends throwing in ideas about the ending of the game and me drawing the conclusions which turned out to be mind-blowingly funny. Yeah, so I've always kind of had a grudge against Midna - I never quite got over how much of a douche bag she is in the beginning of the game - so this seemed quite fitting of her to me. Of course, I know she really didn't intend for this to happen but...it's funny, so what the heck?
Special thanks to the one and only Zubi for all the great ideas! His ideas don't show so much in this chapter, but just wait til chapter two comes out...hoo, boy...
Read, enjoy, and review!
Xx Chapter 1: Ditched xX
"Link...I...see you later."
With that, the golden drop of light floated like a wayward feather, and gently touched the surface of the Twilight Mirror, which, to Zelda and Link's astonishment and alarm, broke out into a web of fine cracks which glowed hot white.
And Midna bounded up the stairs into the circle that would take her away from this place forever. She turned then, and then smiled at Link – a smile that seemed to have some secret hidden beneath it. Even as the light from the Mirror claimed her as its own, and even as the particles of her being slowly dissolved and flew into the portal that was fulfilling its purpose for the last time, those red eyes stared into the bewildered blue ones.
With a earth-shaking noise, the Twilight Mirror was shattered, its fragments blasted into oblivion and-
She was gone.
"She's gone," Link said, in a choked voice. "Forever." He staggered slightly, seeming unable to fully comprehend that fact. "How could she just leave me here? Just like that, with no warning?"
Zelda turned to him, her eyes full of concern. "Link, I'm sure Midna had her reasons. I know that you two must have been very close but-"
"That's not it," Link waved her aside. He seemed to be struggling with something. "The problem isn't that she left me; it's that she left me in the middle of the Goddess-forsaken desert!"
Zelda blinked, and then made a choked noise. She obviously had not realized this at all. "We...we are going to be able to get out, right?" She asked him, voice hinting at hysteria. "You do know how to return to Lanayru from the Gerudo Dessert, don't you?"
He shifted uncomfortably, the same edge of hysteria showing in his eyes. "The thing is, Midna always used to warp us out of the Desert so..."
"We're stuck here forever?"
"Midna, you douche..." Link muttered under his breath, as the Princess of Hyrule went into hysterics beside him. After a few moments, he deemed it appropriate to join her.
Midna, the Twilight Princess, jewel of the Twilight Realm, and beloved of the Twili, sat on her ornate ebony throne. Without warning, she snickered. Her royal retainers gave her a questioning glance.
"It's nothing," she said, with a wicked grin. "I'm just wondering how my friends in the Light Realm are enjoying my last prank on them."
One of her royal retainers sighed. "You're the same as always, your Highness."
"Yes," she agreed impishly. "And the best part is that they will never get me back for it."
After several attacks of hysteria which had seized them both, the Chosen Hero and the Princess of Hyrule sat down on the steps leading up to the frame of the shattered Twilight Mirror, and began to discuss possible methods of leaving the Gerudo Dessert.
"Are you sure that you never traveled back to Lanayru by foot?" Zelda asked Link for the fifth time. He groaned.
"For the last time, yes! Zelda, can't you, you know...?" Link made a vague gesture with his hand that Zelda guessed that he meant magic by.
"Teleport us out? I don't think so..."
"Why not?" He demanded. "You could give your life force or whatever it was that you did to save Midna, and you teleported us out of Ganondorf's way when you got those Light Arrows from nowhere!"
She pulled a face. "The game would only let me do it then – for dramatic effects."
"The game would...whaa?" He gave her a mind-boggled look. "What are you talking about?"
"Never mind," Zelda said and rolled her eyes. "The point is that I can't."
"Awww, your Triforce sucks!" He moaned.
Zelda bristled at that. "Your Triforce doesn't let you do anything special either!"
"Yeah, it does!" Link argued back. "Don't knock my Triforce!"
"Then don't knock mine!" Zelda retorted. "The Triforce of Wisdom lets me use magic, even if it's only at times allowed by the game. And what does the Triforce of Courage do for you, pray tell?"
"It does loads of stuff! It lets me pick up the Master Sword and it lets me...um...it lets me..." He racked his brains for a few seconds before realizing that the Triforce of Courage did practically nothing for him.
Zelda smiled smugly, as she sat imperiously. "I'm waiting."
"Aww, shut up," he moaned, and then buried his face into his hands while Zelda basked in the knowledge that her Triforce was superior to Link's.
After a few moments, the two of them realized that they had gotten off topic.
"Well," Link started. "Maybe if I beat the Cave of Ordeals again, the Great Fairy will teach me Farore's Wind."
"Farore's what?" Zelda asked, confused.
Link shrugged. "You know...Farore's Wind! That move that my previous incarnation in Ocarina of Time used to make warp points in dungeons. Why are you looking at me that way?" he asked warily, after Zelda started to look at him as though he had sprouted a second head. "You use it yourself in the Super Smash Bros. Franchise. I can't. I can only use my sword, bombs, arrows, boomerang and clawshot-which-doesn't-even-go-that-far-anymore. And I got nerfed in Super Smash Bros. Brawl..." He buried his face back into his hands.
"Dear Goddesses, I think the heat got to his head already," Zelda muttered frantically under her breath. Link looked blearily up.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, except we've got to get out of here, and quick!" Zelda half shrieked. And then hysteria seized both of them - again.
"Well, there's no other way," Link sighed. On the floor beside him, he had spread out his map of Hyrule – he thanked the Goddesses that Midna had at least left them that. "We're going to have to travel by foot to the mountains here," he said, pointing to the boundary line that the Gerudo Dessert and Lanayru Province shared, "then we're going to have to climb these mountains until we reach Lanayru Province. Then we can ride on Epona the rest of the way back to CastleTown."
"Why can't we ride Epona to the mountains instead of going by foot?" Zelda complained.
"The game won't let her appear in the desert," Link moaned. Zelda lifted an eyebrow. "She doesn't appear when I call for her," Link said hastily.
Zelda sighed. "Alright then, but in the mean time...how are we going to get out of the Mirror Chamber?"
"Well, we could always jump," Link said in a matter-of-fact tone, as though they weren't several stories above the ground.
"Link," Zelda said with an impatient sigh, "You may not be human, but I am."
"Well, we're technically not human, since we're Hylians-"
"You get my point. Jumping would be suicidal – for me, at least."
"I could catch you," Link offered.
She looked nervously at the ground that was far, far below. "What if you miss?"
"Miss?" He seemed highly offended that she doubted his aim. "I wouldn't miss."
"All the same, I'd rather not take my chances," Zelda said, shuddering slightly.
"If we don't jump, that means we'll have to backtrack our way through the whole dungeon," Link pointed out.
"The dungeon can't be that bad, can it?"
"How are we supposed to get past this all this quicksand?" Zelda asked Link nervously.
"By using the Spinner," Link said, and then pulled the afore-mentioned Spinner out of seemingly nowhere.
"Wait, where did you pull that out from?" Zelda asked, perplexed.
"Actually...I'm not quite sure either." He looked at the rim of his shield, and then his tunic uncertainly. "It's probably one of those things best left unexplained..."
"How exactly do you use that Spinner?" Zelda asked, eyeing the Spinner nervously.
"Like this." He stepped on top of the Spinner next to a track in the wall and with a click, it connected and he went whizzing down the track until he jumped off on the next bit of stable ground. "It's easy," he said, as he came whizzing back. Then he seemed to realize something. "Oh, wait. There's no room for you."
There was a moment of silence.
"Um, I could carry-"
"Alright, fine, we'll jump," Zelda snapped.
"This is the most suicidal thing I've ever done," Zelda muttered as she looked down at the desert ground.
"What about when we were facing Ganondorf?" Link suggested.
"Okay, fine, this is the second must suicidal thing I've ever done," she conceded.
"Anyways, I'll jump now," Link said, and then with that, he launched himself over the railing. Zelda watched anxiously as he fell down, down, down until he hit the sand. There was a muffled thumping noise and a huge cloud of sand went up, blocking him from sight.
"Link...?" she called tentatively. "Link? Are you...?"
There was a loud coughing below. "Yeah, I'm okay. There's just a lot of goddess-damned sand."
"He's a monster," she muttered under her breath as she waited for his coughing fit to stop.
"You ready?" he called.
"No, I'm not, but I'll jump anyways," she called nervously. "You will catch me, right?"
"Yeah, I will. Just jump already!"
"If I die, I'll kill you," she muttered darkly before she took in a deep breath, and then jumped. She closed her eyes tightly, and gasped in relief when she landed in Link's waiting arms.
"I cannot believe I survived that," she gasped out.
"I told you I'd catch you," Link said somewhat smugly as he lowered her to the ground.
The six sages who dwelled in the Mirror Chamber watched with some interest as the Hero of Time and the Princess of Hyrule made their death drops from the top of the tower and then started on their journey.
"I wonder why they didn't ask us to teleport them back to Castle Town?" one sage remarked to another one. The second one shrugged.
"Maybe they like jumping and suicidal treks back home."
"After all," a third piped up, "He's the bearer of the Triforce of Courage; we all know that bravery and stupidity are pretty much the same thing."
The others nodded in agreement, then watched as Link and Zelda began their long, long, long journey back home.
Yeah, so the second chapter IS ready but I'm not going to post it probably until the third chapter is done. Why? So I won't ditch this fanfic in the middle of writing it, of course, silly. Plus it's fun to torment you guys.
I bet a bunch of people are going to ask this, so before you can, no, Midna probably isn't gonna appear in any later chapters. She's already played her part - if she did any more, Link and Zelda would probably go insane.
Yes, I realize that Link and Zelda are out of character, but what else would you expect from a parody?
And, um...I think that's all I have to say. Alright. See ya when Chap 2 comes out.
~Da Scribbler