Me And My Broken Heart.
Dear, Luke.
It's been two days since we broke up. You had insisted that it was for the best. That you hope I could find someone who will love me properly. Who would be able to be there for me. I have always told you I love you, but you just weren't saying it back. You kept saying 'I don't know'. Did you ever love me, Luke? You said it's best we stay friends, not a couple, because we aren't getting anything done, which is true. I haven't been able to write any new scripts. You haven't been able to finish your current projects. I always loved them, but I didn't know you would choose them over me. You say it's because I should find someone who will love me properly, but really, once I thought about it, it's because you chose that over me. I still love you. I don't know how I do, but I still love you, Luke Castallan, even if you're not saying it back.
-Thalia
Dear, Luke.
It's been a week since we parted ways. I've been trying to think straight, trying to make sense of what had happened. You had insisted that we needed to talk. I kept apologizing for every goddamn thing I did wrong. But you just dismissed it. Have you ever forgiven, whenever I done you wrong? I told you it was okay to not accept my apologies, but for once, it would have been nice to hear you say it's okay. Even if it wasn't
I was in the shower today, trying to make sense, and I was scrubbing myself hard. My hands scratching horribly at the areas you had once touched me. It was like I wanted to scratch off the memory of your touch, but I didn't want to. I wanted to keep it. I never want to forget what we had, Luke. Remember, Luke? Remember how much I love you, and still do? I still miss you. I don't want to forget us. I don't want to forget how much I love you, even if you say I should
-Thalia
Dear, Luke
It's been nearly a month since we've decided to be friends. Your smiles are brighter now, but I don't know about my own. I'm still on my own. I've lost too much weight, it seems. I don't want to eat, but I've been running. Just running. Blasting the music that was once ours. Remember that mixed CD I gave your on your birthday? "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." That was our favorite. We'd belt it in the car on the way to the movies or to your house. You were embarassed whenever there'd be a red light and the other drivers would stare at us, but I would keep singing. I love, and loved you so much. I didn't care what anyone else thought. But you did. You always did
Were you ever ashamed of loving me?
When we held hands in public, you always let go when you saw someone you knew. When we'd dance together, you'd pull away, insisting you can't dance. When I'd throw my arms around you when you were working, you kept them there, but you weren't happy with it. You didn't like it. And when we went to the movies, and you would just go quiet, and I'd ask you if you were okay, you said you were, but you really weren't. We both knew it.
Then later, sometime later, you'd lean over, kiss my forehead, and tell me sorry, and that you love me. I never understood why you did that, but maybe I do now. I stil love you, Luke. You may not have done it well, but you had loved me too once.
-Thalia
Dear Luke,
Six months since the day you broke my heart. I'm seeing someone else now, maybe someone who could love me better then you had. His name is Daniel. He takes my hands in public, dancing, not caring who looks. He always put his arm around my shoulder to keep me happy. And he wasn't afraid to kiss my forehead whenever someone else is looking. He loves me. He's loving me well, the way you hadn't. He's doing everything you should have done. You insist you don't miss me, but last time, when we got coffee with Daniel, Percy and Annabeth, the look on your face said it all. You miss me.
I wish I could say the same.
Luke, I did love you once upon a perfect time. When we'd walk along the pier, see the sun set. Take long motorcycle rides, and end up on the edge of a mountain, sitting there till morning light. Promising to never leave each other. Cuddling together by the fire, watching cheesy movies, you had promised you would never hurt me. But you never stopped hurting me. Not really. Not with your actions, but your words. The words you said that cut and ripped and tore my heart apart. You remember what you said, that one time?
"Thalia, I love you, but sometimes, you're making it really hard not to break up with you."
I knew then and there, we might be collapsing. That we might be falling apart. And I was right, we were doomed from the start. Even with that first date, when we were drinking and you had accidentally dropped my beer, you had insisted it was an accident. But you didn't want me drunk, I knew that. You knew me for a long time before we dated, and you knew when I got drunk, I was flirtatious. And you wanted me all to yourself. I hated that. I hated that you were a jealous bastard. That you hated it when I talked to Percy for a long time, and you weren't in the conversation. That you were mad at me because I had friends outside the state that you didn't know about. That you wanted me all to yourself. But even if I did obey those rules, you hadn't loved me well enough
I have to say it now. You were wrong to do that to me.
And the countless hours I waited for you. Whenever we'd chat on Skype, you'd say be right back, but be back in about two or three hours. And expect me not to be mad. Of course I was mad, but you insisted that it's what I had to do. I should've expected that from the beginning. Showing up late to dates. Cancelling dates because of work. I should've known you were a fucking workaholic. You chose it over everything.
Including me
-Thalia
Dear, Luke
A year since the end of us. I'm getting married to Daniel. He proposed, with a huge bouquet of white lilies, my favorite. You had glowered and glared at me when I said yes, but I don't love you anymore, Luke. I love Daniel.
You showed up to my place after the party, insisiting I take you back. Insisting I said I'd wait for you. But I've prepared for it and told you to back off. I love Daniel, now. You broke my heart by not loving me well enough, then letting me go, cause apparently, it was the noblest thing to do. But when I found someone, someone who could love me well enough, you were angry. Cause he does everything you should've done. Before I could spit another word out, you had grabbed me and kissed me desperately. Like the last time we had kissed. It felt strange, foreign. The familiar feeling of your lips didn't stir anything inside of me. And when you pulled back, you said those three words again, those words I had said to you a billion times, but you didn't accept them: "I love you."
Luke, I'm sorry, but I've done what you asked me to do. I've stopped loving you, and loved another. I'm so sorry, but maybe this is what you deserved from the start, since you shattered my heart.
-Thalia
Dear, Luke
The wedding was yesterday. You weren't there.
I had expected it, but when I asked Percy where you were, he replied, "Somewhere only you two would know."
I knew immediately where he was talking about, but I didn't dare go there. The small area of forest we had loved to go to, where we would cuddle and dance and kiss in the afternoon light. Where we had told each other how much we love each other, and the place I had gone to cry at. I had sat there, in the winter, with my headphones on, and playing the songs we had loved. Something to Believe In. C'Mon. So Close. Think Of Me.
But the one I put on, most of all, was "When I Was Your Man." Because I knew you woudld feel these words one day. That you should've bought me flowers. You should've held my hand. That you should've given me all your hours. And taken me dancing, because you knew how much I loved to dance. And that you are wrong. That you want me to be happy.
Luke, I hope you'll find her one day. And do everything you should've done for me. Take her hand in the park, unafraid. Maybe taken her dancing to a night club, the way I always wanted to, but you insisted that it was too dark and noisy. Maybe given her a kiss or two, and not care what anyone else thought. And love her well. God, I hope you love her well, because if you had loved me well, maybe we would be happy. Maybe one day I'll regret this decision, to love Daniel, but right now, to have someone who's dancing with me unashamed, I don't think today is that day.
I'll miss us, Luke, but I could never miss us as much as I ever loved you.
-Thalia