Title: A rude affair
Author: hu3long2
Characters: The SWA and ByaRen
Word count: ~1900
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Crack and fluff, as usual. Shameless fangirling. References to some omake?!
Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach, not even bleach
AN: Part of my Fanfiction universe, with several references from those ByaRen stories. And check out Mameshiba on youtube!
Ise Nanao adjusted the stem of her glasses. "Next up for voting," she said, "the rudest man in Soul Society."
"Ken-chan," shouted Yachiru happily. "Ken-chan! Ken-chan!"
"Mayuri-sama," came Nemu's quiet voice, heard above Yachru's cheers. Yachuri turned her large eyes on Nemu, lips rounding in astonishment.
"You don't think Ken-chan is the mostest rudest man in Soul Society, Drill-san?"
Before Nemu could answer, Rangiku broke in. "Hold it for just a moment," she said. An elegant index finger wagged at Nanao from across the table. "Some clarification is in order. Are we speaking of just Seireitei, or is Rukongai included as well? Because there's this geezer in Rukongai East's Fiftieth who always yells, "Can't afford more cloth, girl?" whenever I pass him." She fluffed her hair and continued just as Nanao opened her mouth. "I'm not objecting to his taste in boobs. After all, some men do prefer women of lesser endowment, I can live with that." Her eyes swept around the room and rested on those materially less endowed. She received several heated glares in return. Nanao's hand lifted to remove her glasses, and Rangiku hurriedly continued, "I'm mad because he actually dared to cast a slur on my fashion sense! Not enough cloth, indeed! How rude, that, that man! It makes me mad even to think about it!" She puffed angrily, bosom swelling.
"Your taichou says that to you often enough, Ran. And I must agree that your shikahausho contravenes Regulation 102, Section B on appropriate attire." Nanao's voice held a edge, and Momo and Kiyone nodded enthusiastically at her words.
Rangiku's indignation abated. "Had to look that one up, didn't you? I love it when you try to throw the rulebook at me." She grinned broadly at her best friend. "As for Taichou, you ladies know he's saying that for different reasons!" She smirked briefly. "Taichou's really cute in that awkward, possessive way of his."
"I am sure we may forgive a jealous lover any degree of weakness," said Unohana. She smiled sweetly at the gathered members of the SWA. "Shall we continue with the voting, lades?"
Nanao hurriedly straightened her already precisely-placed agenda. "In answer to your question, Ran, perhaps we should restrict our nominations to Seireitei. So far, Zaraki and Kurotsuchi Taichous are on the list. Any other suggestions?"
The shinigami women looked at each other, then Kiyone pointed at Rukia, attracting everyone's attention. "Rukia! Are you alright?" Said shinigami's face was a sight to behold, alternating between sun-burnt red and green pallidness. The assembled women recognized the familiar signs of volubility warring with discretion.
"Just spill it, Rukia," drawled Matsumoto. "From your expression, I can tell that it has to do with your brothers and it's a biggie." She leaned forward conspiratorially. "And now that we know it's a story about ithem/i, we're not going to let it rest until you give it up, are we?" She winked and glanced languidly around the table at the gamut of eagerly perked ears. "So spill, Rukia-chan. You know the worst your Nii-sama'll do to you would be to freeze your Kuchiki stipend for a month, and you can always get Ichigo to pay for things with that shopping pass of his!"
"Hear, hear!" came a chorus of voices. It was conventional wisdom among the SWA that Rukia could bully anything out of Ichigo.
A cunning glimmer entered Rukia's eyes as she considered Rangiku's words. Recovering her usual poise, she lowered her head in mock mortification, though the pride in her voice could be heard when she spoke after a dramatic pause. "Renji came home one day all messy and muddy, his hair down and tangled. You know what that's like?" A collective sigh echoed around the table. Abarai Renji with his hair down was a rare occurrence in Soul Society these days. Several glares were darted at Momo, who simply shrugged. At the beginning of the war, she had helped him devise kido-bespelled hair ties.
Rukia continued after the appropriate reactions had been exhausted. "Well, I was just going along to his rooms to ask him something when I heard Nii-sama tell him that he was just like a Rukongai cur who had debauched himself in a field of rotting fishheads." She concluded with a triumphant look around the room.
Awestruck silence greeted her words. Finally, Momo spoke, "Kuchiki Taichou said that to Abarai-kun?"
Rukia nodded.
"To his spouse?" This time, it was Isane who asked the question. After much deliberation, the SWA had finally voted "spouse" as the designation most proper to each element of the Abarai-Kuchiki dyad. The more conventional "husband" and "wife" being inapplicable in their case, given the variety of positions that, on Rukia's best testimony, the two taichou assumed.
Rukia nodded again.
"What was Abarai Taichou's response?" Kiyone took over the questioning from her sister.
Rukia shrugged. Then her eyes lit with the peculiar glow that accompanied any favourable appraisal of her Nii-sama. "I kept away from dinner that night, but the next morning, the residence was still standing, and Nii-sama and Renji were playing their usual visual footsie with each other, so Nii-sama must have done something to him after that."
"Still, what an insult, all things considered, especially with Abarai Taichou's begin..." Isane's voice trailed off. Most of the SWA gave heartfelt nods.
After appropriately somber consideration, Rangiku snapped her fingers. "Okay, ladies, that settles the question, didn't it? Kuchiki Taichou wins hands down. A volley of nods ran up and down the room. Only Yachiru looked mutinous.
"Yachiru," said Nanao gently, "I know you want your Ken-chan to be best at everything, but I think for this vote, you'll have to listen to the majority. I will be the first to admit that Zaraki Taichou is second to none in being brutally frank and frankly brutal. But I don't think he regards that as being rude. Of course, he wouldn't care if he knew, but much of the time, he really doesn't know!" She glanced at Unohana Retsu. "Would you agree with me, Unohana Taichou?" The head of the 4th Division merely smiled enigmatically.
"Kuchiki Taichou, however, has been brought up to the strictest standards of etiquette, and is well aware of the courteous weight of each word. Yet, we never see him show any qualm at some deliberate rudeness. Most of us have, at one point or other, been recipients of his rudeness, and we know that he has been intentionally offensive."
"Well said, Nanao-chan!" said a voice from the doorway. "Byabo's the rudest, noisiest brat in Soul Society!"
"It's unanimous then," sighed Rangiku, as Soi Fon flung herself across the room and Uohana rose more sedately to greet the newcomer. Yoruichi's appearance usually signaled the start of something infinitely more interesting than deciding "The Most" lists.
Yoruichi's entire face re-shaped itself into a mischievous cat-like grin. "You bet."
Omake to a Omake
Renji sighed as the water bubbled to perfection. It had been a long day at the Fifth Division, followed by his usual visit to cook and play with the children at the safe houses in Rukongai, and he was parched. Not to mention the distinctly unpleasant taste that refused to leave his mouth. Carefully, he poured the hot water over the tea leaves. In his early days as Byakuya's fukutaichou, the latter had instructed him in the art of tea making. Sometimes, reflected Renji, as the water took on a characteristic green hue, aristocratic habits were good for something.
He put the kettle down and turned as the fusuma slid open. "Bya--" Before he could finish the name, he was wrapped in a familiar embrace of sakura and musk, his partner's scent at this time of the day. An insistent tongue slipped through his lips and proceeded on its masterful way across his mouth.
Renji grinned around Byakuya's tongue and mentally began his countdown. He loved Byakuya's amorous assaults but sometimes the intrusion of the unexpected added a little spice to a relationship that would extend centuries into the future.
Abruptly he was released. The proud face in front of him was pinched with disdain, and not a little green. The short brows lowered and the grey eyes were stormy. "You taste and smell just like a Rukongai cur who had debauched himself in a field of rotting fishheads."
Renji burst into laughter. "Kissed many Rukongai curs, have you?" he chuckled. He poured out a cup of tea and held it out.
The dark frown merely deepened. "Hardly. I do not share your penchant for indulging unseemly canine behavior," his partner replied. He took a sip of tea and gently swirled it around his mouth as Renji watched admiringly. Only Byakuya could make gargling and spitting look elegant.
Renji held up his hands pacifically. "I couldn't help it if there were a dozen kids holding me down and tickling me as well, could I?" The broad grin on his face belied the apology in his words. "And with me laughing so hard, I couldn't help a little tongue getting in, could I?"
Byakuya's expression was the visual equivalent of an aristocratic sniff. "A lot of tongue. That ridiculous animal should have been trained a long time ago. And given a different name."
"Mameshiba can't help his size, you know." Renji grinned and spat into his bowl. "Who would've thought that little pup would turn out to be mainly Newfoundland?" A Newfoundland mix with a love for leaping on his victims and lying full length on them while he licked them at his leisure. The last time Mameshiba had tried that with Byakuya, however, he had been stopped by a full Bakudo 61 Rikujokoro spell. Shunpo, apparently, was no deterrent, since the dog merely took it as an invitation to play.
Then, Renji lowered his head and looked slyly at Byakuya out of the corner of his eye. "How about I keep my mouth closed the next time, and leave all the tongue action to you? You, at least, won't taste of dog." The only reply was a heated glare. Renji loved ribbing Byakuya for his possessiveness, not that he dealt much better in this department, he thought wryly. With a mental shrug, he held out his hand and gave Byakuya their private smile. "As always, you were right, Byakuya. Mameshiba had found a vat of rotting fish, and jumped right into it. Care to scrub my back while I get rid of the stink?"
This time, a slight smile edged the thin lips of his partner. "If we conclude your ablutions in the onsen."
"Huh." The monosyllabic response was Renji's agreement. Regretfully, he kissed his planned evening paperwork good-bye and reminded himself to hand training over to Hinamori the next morning while he completed said paperwork. From the particular stress Byakuya laid on the word "onsen", he planned to reclaim Renji's mouth and every other inch besides, slowly and thoroughly. For the both of them, it was one way-- ithe only way,/i whispered his libido-- to end a long work day, especially now that Byakuya had found yet another incentive. iYou handed it to him on a silver platter, you sly dog,/i cackled the aforementioned libido. With a grin of acknowledgment, Renji cast work from his mind and set about turning the tables on his partner. He didn't plan on being the only one seduced this night.
"You may undress me too. Howsoever you please." The words were a promise that brought lightning into the grey eyes of their intended recipient.
"You are too generous, Abarai Taichou." The rich, aristocratic baritone turned husky.
The conviction of solemn rightness rose from the depths of his soul. "I don't think I can ever be, with you," whispered Renji, as his haori fell to the ground.
The fingers eagerly tracing his collarbones tightened violently, leaving faint smudges of purple.
Owari