Oh Danny Boy
Summary: Jack finds he cares more about Daniel than he thought. Jack POV.
Rating: R
Pairing: Jack/Daniel, pre-slash.
Episode Spoilers: Fire and Water
Warnings: Language
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG-1. Which is sad, because if I did every J/D fan would have their wish come true.
A/N: This is my first SG-1 fanfiction so I'm nervous. Comments are loved.
Special thanks to tlw for pointing out my spelling error. :D
There was an emptiness that used to be where my heart was.
I stumbled through the gate, helping Teal'c hold up Sam as we came in. In the back of my mind it registered that I was wet and that it was weighing me down. I lost whatever hold I had on my legs and fell back onto the grate ramp that led up to the Stargate.
Vaguely I heard General Hammond's voice asking me something. I didn't answer, couldn't answer. My throat suddenly felt closed up, so that air could barely get through.
"Colonel, look at me," a woman's voice said. I knew that voice. It was Janet. "Look at me!"
I know I took my head out of my hands to look at her, but I didn't actually feel it. Like there was no movement at all. My arms just fell from the push of gravity and my head was pulled back by invisible strings.
"They're in shock," I heard Janet say from somewhere far off. "Get them to the infirmary."
I hate the infirmary. Last time I was there Janet stuck a thermometer where the sun don't shine and Danny…
My mind stopped. In one big jolt it stopped. I felt someone helping me stand when George asked the exact question I didn't want to answer.
"Colonel, where's Dr. Jackson?" The three of us stopped moving.
"DanielJackson…" Teal'c said in a hollow voice.
"He didn't make it, sir," Carter said it in a way that sounded like she didn't even realize she was speaking.
"Daniel's dead, sir," I said as the thought fixed itself into my mind. The way my voice said it made it seem like I didn't believe it myself. I let out a deep breath as General Hammond looked at me in what could have been surprise.
The walk to the infirmary was short. It was never short. But this time I felt like I was floating through the halls like a ghost. My mind seemed to blank out at one point because one minute the medics were helping me into the infirmary and the next I was sitting on a bed watching one of them put my cloths in a biohazard bag.
Carter was crying. I don't think I'd ever seen her cry before. She was telling Janet what happened. Hell, I can't even make myself think of what had happened. I sat on the bed and drew my knees as close to my chest as I could, and encircled them with my arms. I couldn't think and yet I couldn't stop thinking. This must be how Daniel feels…felt all the time.
Janet told Teal'c to leave, but I didn't actually hear the words. I think I had actually spoken earlier without knowing it. I was somewhere far off. With Daniel, that night he and I drank beer at my house. God, he gets drunk so easily. Got. Got drunk easily. Janet was asking me if I had a headache. She was rubbing my neck looking for something. Tumor, maybe, who the fuck knows?
"No." It didn't really come out as a word really, just a sound croaking out of my thought. Out of the corner of my eye I see her take something out of her pocket.
"Can I get you to look straight ahead, please?" she asks in that sympathetic voice she's been using since we got back. Easy enough, all I can do is just stare ahead or burry my face in my knees anyway.
So I look ahead and she cups the bottom of my chin. There's suddenly this bright light that explodes in my left eye. I made some kind of noise and jerked away in pain.
"What is that?" I asked softly. She said something about a pen light, but I was busy rubbing my eye with the heel of my palm. She apologized and said I must be sensitive to the light.
"You think?" I said, more irritated then I originally intended. But Janet was, as ever, cool and collected.
"It's alright Colonel, we can do this after the debriefing, or even tomorrow," she said. And, for the first time, I looked at her. I didn't really see her, but I looked. God, I hadn't even thought about debriefing.
"Thank you," I murmured, getting up off the bed. At first I was heading for the door as fast as the haze in my brain would allow. I had to go see Daniel.
That hit me like a ton of bricks and I stopped walking before I even realized I had started.
That was the problem, wasn't it? I had to go see Daniel, tell him I was okay, and make sure he was. But he wasn't. He never would be. I never would be. Not ever again. But the feeling had hit me so strong that I turned to Janet to ask her if she thought there was a chance Daniel was alive.
But that was stupid of me to think. It wasn't possible. I saw him die, watched him burn. And I let it happen. So, I turned away from her, whispered a "Thank you," again, and left.
I just walked through the corridors, going nowhere in particular. The entire time, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. I didn't want to see anyone, hear anyone. A thousand thoughts bounced around in my head all at once. So many that I wondered if somehow Daniel had managed to seep his way into my brain.
Soon I realized it was time for my debriefing. Carter was just coming out, tears running down her cheeks. She didn't look at me, just brushed right past and I could hear the breath hitching in her lungs, the way a child's did when they cried.
I sat down without preamble, opposite George. He gave me a nod that I did not return. I took a deep breath and began. At some point I knew there was something wrong with what I was telling the General. I had said that Daniel had asked for my help. But it was all wrong because Daniel never called me Colonel.
But whenever I thought that was wrong, I would feel a sharp pain near my temples. Hammond said that there was nothing I could have done, but I don't believe that. I should have tried harder to reach him, to hell with getting burned.
"We'll send a team through to recover to body," George said. Suddenly, I was wide awake, like a jolt of electricity had shot through my entire body.
"No sir!" something in me made me shout it. I got quiet again before saying, "It's too volatile, sir. The whole area was very unstable." The words were appearing out of nowhere, with no conscious thought of my own.
"It's a hard thing, to lose a member of your team. I've been through it myself," Hammond was saying. I could barely hold on anymore. I put the palms of my hands on my temples and stared at the tabletop, willing myself to keep it together. "If there's anything I..."
"Yes, sir," I interrupted. I couldn't listen to it anymore. Daniel is my responsibility, I'm the one who watches out for him, keeps him safe. And I failed. Miserably, I might add. I pushed my palms against my head as I tried to keep him out of my head. The way he smiled when he actually liked one of my jokes. The way he sneezed almost every time he traveled in the elevator. The way he still got excited when we found new civilizations.
"Dismissed," I heard George say. For a moment I still stared at the grain in the table and remembered that Daniel hated how I kept trying to etch "Jack was here" into it. I stood up quickly, and rushed out the door. I had to leave, couldn't stay there anymore. My throat had almost entirely closed and my eyes were burning.
I'm not one to cry. The only time I ever cry is when it comes to Charlie. But, as I make my way through the corridors of the SGC the tears are stinging my eyes and everything was blurry as I walked to his office. All his things lay there just the way he had left them that morning when I came to get him for breakfast.
I wasn't ready for this. I didn't want to say goodbye. I shut the door to his office and slid down to the floor, my legs sprawled out uselessly on in front of me. For a single solitary second I leaned up against the cool metal of the door, staring into the office he would never step foot in again.
"Fuck!" I yelled into the silence. I leaned my head back against the door and cried.
--
There was that emptiness again, a void where Daniel used to be. Where his voice still sounded, like he was standing right behind me at his own "funeral". The general calls me up to the podium to give the eulogy. And as I walked up, wondering what I was going to say, that void where my heart once lived grew darker. I let it take me over completely.
There was nothing else but let it. No way to fight it. Not again. Not without Daniel. Oh, God, it actually hurts. How can it feel like he's right here with me and feel like I'm about to die because I miss him so much at the same time?
There, I said it. I miss him. Just don't tell him I said it.
"Daniel Jackson made this place happen." The first time I saw him he gave me a look like he wasn't exactly sure what to do with me. The feeling was more than mutual. "As a member of SG-1 he was our voice." During those times that were few and far between when I couldn't find my own. "Our conscious." I can't remember how many times he talked me out of shooting first and asking questions later. "He was a very courageous man." Shit, he was braver then me sometimes. "He was a good man." More than me all the time. "For those of us lucky enough to know him, he was also a friend."
The best kind of friend. The one that picked you up when no one else could. The friend that would argue with you until the break of dawn. The friend that you love but never tell him so.
There, I said that, too. I love him. And that's not past tense, even if he is gone.
One of the soldiers, a woman, is handing me the now folded flag. I hold the flag close to my chest for a moment. I keep holding it as I spin on my heels and walk toward Teal'c, handing it to him. He'll keep it safe; make sure it's somewhere that we can all see it.
Why did we get a wreath? I may not know what kind of flowers are on it, but I know that Daniel would more then likely have been allergic to them. They play taps for him and it burns into my chest like a dagger, right into that dark, empty place. The gate just sucks the wreath into it, back to Daniel. And I have the most horrible urge to jump in after it.
"We commend Daniel Jackson's spirit," Hammond began, "to the Universe he opened up for us. I pledge to continue our journey of discovery in his memory." Instead of jumping in, I just salute with Sam. Not exactly the same. "May he rest in peace."
--
Why did they put me in charge of the wake? As soon as the first person had arrived I was at a loss as to what I should do. Should we be sad? It wasn't supposed to be sad, really. Wakes celebrate a person's life. But for some reason it's hard to celebrate it when the person in question isn't there.
I was pouring a drink for Sam when it happened. To this point it's just been in dreams. Daniel engulfed in flames, but before that, bubbles. And, oh God, he's calling for me. Yelling my name, asking for help. It's like he's standing right next to me, yelling. And I almost drop the beer as it overflows with suds. I feel it on my skin, but it doesn't matter. I left him.
I can't stay here anymore. I have to find him.
I was half way to my car when I realized how stupid I was being. There's a sort of dull pain at the base of my neck, the onsets of a headache. I couldn't find him, he was gone. Now that I realize he really is gone, so is the dull pain.
I suddenly wake up with a hockey stick in my hand, not even realizing I had picked it up. I didn't miss a beat, though, just slapped the little orange ball into the net.
Fuck, Daniel, why'd you have to leave? If I could feel my heart, it would be in pain. It would be broken into the same little pieces they were when Charlie died, the pieces you picked up. That you put back into a whole. But I don't feel it. It's just gone. Like you.
I keep shooting the ball into the net, getting angrier with every slap. Son of a bitch, Daniel, you have to come back. I can't do this without you. I slap the ball hard into the net and finally, it falls over. Please, Daniel, don't leave me. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Whatever you want, baby, just come back. You can't leave me alone. It's too dark.
It just keeps growing inside me until it numbs everything and I can't take it. I smash the stick into a window and shout something about moving the car it belongs to. I'm not really sure what I said. I don't give a shit anymore.
I miss Daniel.
I can't get away from that thought. I actually miss Daniel. Hammond wants to know what's on my mind. Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that someone I care about is dead.
"Retirement, actually," I answer instead. It's not exactly a lie. I should retire. Like I've done, what, twice before? I can't walk through that gate and not have Daniel there to explain who or what we meet on the other side.
"You don't mean that," Hammond says, but even the way he says it he knows I do.
"I think I do," I replied. There's nothing at the SGC that I need. Daniel was it. Daniel is what I needed to be there everyday, he's what I cared about. More than I should have ever allowed myself.
"Well I can't let you do that," George was always one to lay down the law. "I've go an assignment for SG-1. Dr. Jackson's apartment has to be cleaned out by Stargate personnel, National Security has said it, you're probably the closes thing he had to a family." He had to add that, didn't he? "It's not an order, it's a request."
So, I agree. I have to. We have to. We're his family. George said something about that being his car. Woops.
"You should get that window fixed," I said. Good ole defense mechanisms, they never fail.
--
When we got to Daniel's apartment it felt like he was there, in one of the other rooms waiting for us. Just around the next corner. But he wasn't, I checked. We ordered pizza and out of habit asked for two slices without green peppers because Daniel was the only one of us that didn't like them.
We cleaned mostly in silence until Sam found journals that Daniel had written for all the plants we had visited. There was a picture of Daniel up on the mantel that got my attention while she read. That was until she got to the part where Daniel said that I thought he was a geek. Boy did I ever.
I looked at the picture, Daniel on a camel in front of a pyramid. He was smiling. I miss that. Ask it of me, and I'll do anything to see him smile again. Standing right here with me, smiling, telling us how dumb we are for cleaning out his apartment. And for a moment I feel like he's right about to walk in. But he doesn't.
"Sha're is gone," Sam reads from the journal, "Jack says we'll find her, if anyone can, he can."
Dammit, I get it, okay, I understand. I failed him; does he have to rub it in?
"Come on, that's his diary. I mean what's he going to think if..." he finds out. He wasn't going to find out. I put the picture of him back up to the mantel.
"What are they going to do with all this stuff?" Sam asks.
"Maybe give it to a museum...or start one," I answer even though I'm sure she wasn't looking for one. Teal'c stats talking about some game that Daniel tried to teach me to play once. Said it made him feel like he was touching history, that's what he told Teal'c. Same thing he always told me when I asked him why he was an archeologist.
I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. What is there to do? I feel helpless, and I hate that. Every second that ticks by I feel like I should be out there somewhere looking for Daniel. Because I can't stand this anymore. Can't stand having that empty hole in my chest where my broken heart lies dormant.
Suddenly Sam yells out and I'm there in a flash 'cause hell if I'll fail another team member. But she seems fine, shook up. So I ask her if she's alright. She's seen something in her mind, of water. Shit, so I'm not the only one.
"I have experienced it as well," Teal'c states. Nope, definitely not the only one.
"I'm telling you something's wrong," I say.
"Yeah, what's wrong here is that Daniel is dead," leave it to Carter to point out something I was just about to start thinking. Always one step ahead. But even as she says it I can almost hear his voice telling me how idiotic we all are for believing it. I can hear him laughing at us having a funeral at the Stargate for him.
"Is he?" I ask. Have to ask. I need to know if they feel the same way. Apparently not, because Teal'c just looks confused.
"You were there, we were all there!" Sam says, rather loudly.
"Then why don't I believe it?" it feels good to finally say it out loud. "I mean I keep expecting him to walk through the door! I keep getting these..." I'm not really sure how to explain it. "Screw this packing, let's get back to the base."
--
Before I can really even comprehend what Janet is saying about dark spots in our brains, I'm rushing to the gate room. There's an incoming traveler and it's Daniel. I know it is. Apparently so do Carter and Teal'c because they're right behind me.
My breath catches in my throat as I stop near the ramp. Oh, thank God. It's him. Standing there, taking off his helmet. But then I blink and he's gone and it's someone from SG-6. How the hell did that just happen?
"I just...I thought..." the words don't seem to want to come out. He was there, I swear to everything. Wasn't he?
"Daniel Jackson was returning," Teal'c said. Well, at least I'm not crazy alone.
"Oh my God, I thought the same thing...why? Is he gone or isn't he?" Sam adds in. Good, we'll all get to share a nice padded cell together.
"Somebody want to tell me what the hell is going on, because I'm starting to lose it here," I finally say. Honest, if he's alive, any chance of it, then I'm going after him.
"Doctor?" the voice is Hammond, coming into the gate room.
"General Hammond, there seems to be some questions in their mind on weather or not Dr. Jackson is dead," way to make us sound sane, Janet. Smooth.
"You three were the only witnesses, if you are denying what you saw," Hammond said.
"No sir, I saw him die. We all did. I know he's gone. But I know he's still alive," okay, I'm not helping with the whole making us look sane thing. "Sir we have got to go ba-"
OW! SHIT! That fucking hurt! Shit!
--
Hypnosis? This is how we're supposed to find Daniel? I mean, missing three and a half hours is strange, but using hypnosis to find out what happened. Glad it's Sam and not me. Who'd' a thought she would be for that kind of thing?
But it turns out to be the right decision. Because even before she comes to the realization that we left Daniel, I'm already there. I've known it the whole time. My arms are around her and I'm kicking myself for not realizing sooner that Daniel was out there.
And I don't even really wait for Hammond to give the go-ahead. At this point I just want to find Daniel, see him again. I pray. Please, God, let him be alive. I can't lose him again.
Sam, Teal'c and I already have our gear on and storm into the embarkation room before all the symbols have been encoded. It's the fastest I've ever gotten ready for anything in my life.
I was the first one to go through the Stargate, but I could almost feel Teal'c and Sam breathing they were so close behind me. My feet are already taking me to the water.
"Daniel!" I call out. He's got to be there, has to, alive. He's gonna make me go grey, I know it.
"Maybe were too late," Sam says. Great, thanks, that helps a lot.
"Were not leaving without him this time Cap..." and I can't finish. There are bubbles rising in the water. On instinct, I point my gun at it.
The monster walks out of the water like nobodies business. And I'm about ready just to pull the damn trigger and ask questions later. I feel my index finger tighten until I see something burst out of the water. Something solid, something that looks remarkably like a very wet Daniel.
What was that? Did anyone else feel that?
"Don't shoot!" he yells as he stumbles out of the water toward us. I almost forgot I was going to shoot that thing. He's talking to that thing, I hear the words he's saying, take in his voice, but my brain can't seem to put the words together. It's just nonsense to me. And then, I hear something.
It's Daniel's heartbeat. I can hear it from here it's so loud. But, no, it can't be. Wait, it's my heart. It's there again, past the dark that buried it. It's reverberating in my ears.
And I realize what I should have known already. My heart is Daniel's heart. Daniel's heart is my heart. They're in two separate bodies, but they work as one. Two halves of one whole. Whoa, how did I go so long without noticing this?
Suddenly the sea monster creature thing is going back into the water. I snap out of it, my heart having started to slow down. We all move closer to Daniel. I want to reach out, make sure he's real.
"Uh, this is a long story," You don't say, Daniel? Never would have guessed it.
"Yeah I bet!" Sam says. I can hear the happy in her voice. And I want to see the one thing I've been missing the most.
"Tell us about it over Sushi?" I say, smiling.
"That's funny," he says, even though it was lame. But he smiles, not a big smile, but it knocks the wind out of me all the same. He looks me right in the eyes, his put the blue of the ocean to shame. "Uh I will, after I go get some sleep."
"Ah...home. Yeah, about that apartment..." I trail off as we make our way back to the gate.
"Oh you didn't!" Daniel sounded a little upset. My work is done. Serves him right for making me worry.
"Uh...the day after the memorial service," Sam says, and I've never been more proud of her, 'cause Daniel's reaction is priceless.
"Memorial service!" Daniel said in what might have been surprise.
"Colonel, said some really nice things," Carter told him. Wait, wait, back up, no need to tell him that.
"He-he did," Daniel said. "He did?"
The way he said it the last time was not surprise or anger, it was something that bordered on curiosity. There was something else there that I couldn't quite decide what it was. I could feel his eyes turn to look at my back.
I could have sworn I heard his heart skip a beat.
A/N part 2: Thanks for reading! I might make a sequel to this about Daniel trying to find out about just what Jack said at the memorial service. Let me know what you think.