Who Knew?
by Cyberchao X

CCX: In my personal record-keeping, any fic that is more than one word long is labeled by its initials. I always felt like it was only a matter of time before that would cease to work and I'd end up with two fics with multiple-word titles and the exact same initials. Well, it happened. Sort of. Up until this point, the fic that was published under the name "A Good Bad Ending"—my first fic in this very fandom—was in my records by its other title, "White Knight". That it would be the same fandom that eventually forced me to switch its designation was incredible enough; that the fic that did so would not only be a fellow WK but a fellow WhKn even more so. As I mentioned when I alluded to this fic at the end of "The Scene", given the singer it would be nice if I could do this with someone like Emi, but Lilly's Route provides a golden chance to make this work.

"Who Knew" by P!nk.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right

"Lilly! Lilly!" A familiar voice called my name. But why was he here, now? "Lilly! Stop, please! Lilly!" … "Gah!"

I turned, a little scared. Something bad had happened; I could tell by the way the entire street changed. That's the sound of people witnessing something tragic. "Hisao?"

"Hisao?" Akira asked.

"I thought I heard his voice, and…the atmosphere around here has changed." I was scared, absolutely terrified…possibly more so than I'd ever been in my life.

I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yah huh
That's right

I could hear the voices now, unfamiliar voices, clearly concerned about someone who was clearly not right, and that the person in question was male. Why, Hisao, why? I would have come back for you… I was always planning on returning. Maybe… maybe never permanently, but I would've come back for you… and maybe, someday, I wouldn't have to leave you behind when I returned to Scotland.

"Lilly, calm down!" Akira's voice rang out behind me, urging me to stop and act more reasonably. Deep down I knew she was right; I was being foolish, running in a crowded place. I made sure to have my cane out, the symbol of my blindness, but I still ended up running into a good many people. Probably most of them from behind, although I figure a blind person running is something most people don't expect and as such even if they saw me coming they wouldn't necessarily be able to react quickly enough to get out of my way.

I didn't care. All I wanted was to try to get to Hisao. "Hisao! Hisao!" I called out, straining to hear his voice. In the crowd, it would be difficult to pick out that lone voice, and if he was suffering from another heart attack as I suspected, his would probably be a weak one. But my hearing is better than most people's, because it has to be. If anyone could do it, I could…

…Though "anyone" wouldn't have to. They'd be able to use their eyes.

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better
'Cause you said forever
And ever…
Who knew?

"Li… lly…" I couldn't even be sure that I'd heard it, it was so soft.

Akira was right behind me. "Damn. I was really hoping that your hearing was wrong on this one."

"It is Hisao… Akira, please, help guide me to him."

"…I'll do what I can."

I shook my head. "Just get me to his side. You still have a plane to catch."

"Idiot. Someone's gotta get you to the hospital… You're not family; they won't let you ride in the ambulance with him."

"H-how does it…" I hesitated, the way Hisao no doubt would have. "…look."

"I'm not a doctor. To me, he just looks unconscious. I wish I could give you more information… but right now, the best thing for Hisao is for the medical professionals to take care of him and everyone else to just keep their distance."

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no

It seemed like an eternity until an ambulance arrived. They asked if anyone present was family of the patient. Nobody was. Then they asked if there was anyone who at least knew him or if they'd have to look through his possessions for ID. Akira spoke up. "Yeah…his name's Hisao Nakai. He was probably here to see my sister and me off…or possibly to try to convince her not to go." There was a lull in the conversation, probably some form of non-verbal communication. "Fool must've overstepped his limits."

"Pre-existing condition?"

"What is it called, Lilly?"

"He just said it was an arrhythmia. I don't know if there's a more specific medical name."

"And your names?"

"My name's Akira Satou. This is my sister Lilly."

"...I'm sorry. I wish we could let you come along in the ambulance, but protocol only allows us to bring family members."

I nodded, knowing that this was directed at me. "I understand. Akira said she'd take me to see him."

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

Stupid, stupid girl. The entire trip to the hospital, I just kept telling myself this. I had overestimated Hisao's strength. He tried to pretend that it didn't bother him, that he was okay with me leaving, but I should've known better. I always told him that he was a horrible liar. I guess the idiom "couldn't lie to save your life" doesn't work in reverse.

No, don't think that way. Hisao's not dead. Hisao will survive this. He's already stronger than he was when he had his first heart attack, and he's had the medication to help him.

The car stopped. "Are we there, or is this just a traffic stop?"

"We're there." Akira paused for a moment. "I'm worried about him too." Evidently Akira was now looking at me, seeing the tears that escaped without a sound during the trip. "He seems like a good kid…and more importantly, he makes you happy."

"Ever the optimist, Akira. I…I don't know if I can be that strong."

Akira gave a nervous laugh that indicated that she'd hoped I wouldn't key on her deliberate use of the present tense. "Hardly. You know that I've always been the cynic. You were the idealist, Lilly."

"I know. I'm just…so scared…"

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever
And ever…
Who knew?

"You were the ones who were with him when he collapsed?"

"Eh…not exactly," Akira said, explaining the situation.

"Do you know how we can contact his family?"

The question was directed towards Akira, but I answered. "N-no…I don't have that information. You should probably contact the school…"

"Wh—ah. Okay…"

I heard the…whoever it was, doctor, nurse, orderly, whatever…leave. "How impolite. She stopped asking which school it was as soon as she saw that I was blind, didn't she?"

"She did."

"It's not like Yamaku is the only academy that caters to the disabled."

"Calm down, Lilly. No sense getting riled up. Is he going to be okay?"

"We can't be certain yet. I wish I could reassure you, but it's my job as a professional to not get anyone's hopes up. He will need surgery, and there's always at least some risk involved when that happens."

"Is he…stable enough that I could, um…visit him?" The normal question would be to ask if I could go see him, but that was beyond my capacity.

"…Wait a little bit. Maybe 10, 15 minutes. Ah, but…we usually let the families visit first."

"…That's fine. I'm in no hurry." The flight we would've taken no doubt would've already left by now.

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?

Being blind, I never really had a great sense of the passing of time. Eventually, Hisao's parents arrived, entered Hisao's room, and after awhile, exited. "Mr. and Mrs. Nakai?" I asked, in what I believed to be their direction.

"Hmm? Who are you?" A male voice, obviously that of Hisao's father.

"I…wish we could have met under better circumstances. My name is Lilly Satou; I'm a student at Yamaku Academy… Hisao and I are…were…are dating." I wasn't really sure which tense to use. Present tense seemed more appropriate; as far as I was concerned, Hisao was still going to be my boyfriend even after I moved to Scotland, and so to use the past tense would be unspeakably rude, either implying that I no longer wanted him thanks to this heart attack—making me as bad as his first, briefly fleeting girlfriend—or that I believed that he wasn't going to survive this. "I feel like I'm responsible for this…"

"How so? It's okay; we won't be mad." A kind voice, likely Hisao's mother. "What happened that makes you think you caused this?"

"I…I'm sure you can tell just by looking at me that I'm not full-blooded Japanese. I've been told that I have a very striking appearance, though I'm sure you can also tell that I have only second-hand knowledge of that. My family in Scotland summoned me back to them… I was very conflicted, but ultimately I believed that those who had come to rely on me for support had grown strong enough that they could handle me being on the other side of the world. But I guess Hisao had a change of heart." I frowned. "I'm sorry, I mean—"

"Don't worry about it. Innocent turn of phrase."

"He must've rubbed off on me. He'd always get so apologetic any time he used a word like 'see' or 'look' anywhere in my presence, even if he wasn't actually talking directly to me."

"That sounds like Hisao. Have you been in to…visit him?"

I shook my head. "They said they usually let the family do that first. With your permission…"

"Of course."

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and

I went in, Akira guiding me through the unfamiliar room and directing my hand to Hisao's. "Hisao…I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you… I'm so afraid, Hisao, please don't leave me… I promise, I'll never leave you again…" I was truly scared. I couldn't help but think that this was going to be goodbye, that I'd never be with him again. I concentrated on my concept of Hisao…my knowledge of what he looked like was based entirely on feeling out his shape. It was colorless, as everything is for me. I've always been blind, so I never had any reason to want to be able to see. Nothing to cause such a desire, you know? But more than anything, I wanted to be able to see Hisao. I told him this, not that he would be able to hear me in this state. I didn't care. I had always worried about everyone else, and Hisao had even told me that he didn't want me to worry. That he'd worry about my worrying. At this moment, I wasn't worried about anybody else. I was being as selfish as I'd ever been in my life. Right now, all I could think about was how badly I wanted Hisao back, and how it was all my fault. I felt like I was entitled to a little selfishness. I'd earned it. Part of me felt like that was childish, thinking that way, but I didn't care. I was sad, and angry, and absolutely petrified, because if Hisao died, if Hisao left me alone…it was all my fault. I couldn't be there for him, the way he was always there for me.

He'd say differently, of course. He'd say that I was the one who was always there for him, that he couldn't do anything for me. But he did. He was always there for me. "Akira, can you borrow a pen and a piece of paper? I need you to write a message for me."

"Sure."

That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember

I carefully measured out the piece of paper, tore off a scrap. I had to do that first, or else she might write part of the message on the wrong part of the paper. I told her to tell Hisao to never forget that he was the one who was always there for me, not the other way around.

"Why don't you just tell him that yourself?"

"I will…but I want him to know it as soon as he wakes up. I might not be there to greet him."

"…Lilly. Stop with the negative thinking. Hisao will survive."

"Then he'll be able to read my note," I said, affecting a smile. Desperately trying to cling to any air of grace I could still muster, because inside I wanted to break down crying like a little baby.

"…Whatever. Why such a small piece of paper?"

"So it can fit in here," I said. I took out the music box he'd given me and tucked the note inside. "I'm leaving this with him. That way he'll know as soon as he wakes up that I didn't leave him, regardless of whether or not I'm actually at his side."

"Such a romantic."

"I try. For his sake."

But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

I later found out that he would need a second surgery, to remove the pacemaker that they'd had to put into his heart. He apparently awoke at one point, but he must not have noticed the music box. I'd thought him to be more observant… Well, he won't miss it again. I wound it up and opened it, making sure it would be able to play on for a long time.

I hear him stirring. He's noticing the music box…I walk in. "L… Lilly?"

"Hisao? Was that you?"

"I thought you were…"

I can't help it. I rush to him. "Hisao! Hisao!"

"It's okay, Lilly. I'm okay. You don't need to—"

"Stop telling me not to worry about you, Hisao! Just this once… let me cry…"

He couldn't, of course. He had to go blaming himself. Hisao, you idiot…

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

…That was years ago. That was the last conversation I ever had with him. I'm not really satisfied that I was able to convince him that it wasn't his fault. Like the doctors said, with any surgery, there's always at least a chance of complications, however slight.

It was just a mild tremor, relatively speaking. Probably not even noticeable for some people—I noticed, of course, but my other senses are finely attuned to compensate for my blindness. Japan gets hit with far worse quakes quite frequently. But with something as delicate as a surgery, on something as fragile as a human heart, especially Hisao's heart…even a small tremor was all it took to upset the balance.

Hisao… I miss you so much… I'll never, ever forget you.

…Who knew?

CCX: I suppose it's kind of obvious that I made some last-minute changes—originally I was going to have Hisao not survive the first surgery, hence the presence of the note (which he'd never see), but then I realized that the first surgery was done almost immediately, so that became a useless throwaway bit. And then the last-moment decision to come up with a rationalization for what went wrong—though as I noted in the story, it's a quite believable one; Japan lies on a number of fault lines and is quite earthquake-prone. And for anyone who thinks that an earthquake could be "not noticeable", the area where I live is not very earthquake-prone, but recently there was an earthquake so large a good distance south that its ripples made it all the way here. I didn't actually feel the earthquake, although I heard rattling that was evidently caused by it shaking up objects on shelves. It wasn't until someone else mentioned the word "earthquake" that I realized that that's what it was.

No matter how sad something may be, if it's just text or spoken, it's unlikely to make me outright cry. But sad songs? Get me every time. Back when this song was getting regular play on the radio, I'd have to change the station every time it started playing while I was driving—not because I disliked it, but because it made me cry and I couldn't afford to be crying behind the wheel of a car. Yesterday when I was inspired to write this, it had just been ending as I got into the car, so I didn't have to change the station (hence me still being on the '00s station when "I Kissed A Girl" came on), and just thinking about it in my head wasn't enough to make me cry.

Writing this? I managed to make it as far as "And time makes, it harder, I wish I could remember" before breaking down in tears. Sad songs, or even wistful songs like "Cat's in the Cradle", "Sunrise, Sunset", and "Graduation (Friends Forever)", get me every time. This is Cyberchao X… Until we meet again.