What's Under a Highlander's Kilt?
I was bored a couple days ago, so I surfed the web for a while until I came to a site that had Scottish jokes and a drinking song called "What's under a Scotsman's kilt?" Since Scotland doesn't exist in the Redwall universe, I changed it to 'Highlander's' instead. I don't know how, but it gave me the idea for this fic. Warning: Contains sexual themes/humor! Please R&R!
The warm morning sun hung in the cloudless sky in Mossflower Wood. The final days of spring had passed, bringing forth the beginning of summer. Redwall, who was always looking for some reason to throw a feast, decided to throw a three day long festival to welcome the new season.
Everybeast in the Abbey scurried about, keeping themselves busy with something involved with the festivities. Friar Horus and his cooks prepared several different courses of food, Cellarhog Raeburn selected his finest kegs of assorted drinks, Foremole and his moles busied themselves with preparing a large stage, and those wishing to perform practiced poems, songs, and routines.
Brother Durward, the Gatehouse Keeper, was sitting in the comfortably in the gatehouse. He knew that word of the feast would reach the ears of those in Mossflower and the woodlanders would want to join the celebration, so he had to stay close to the gates for all the visitors.
"Och, is anybeast up there?" Durward's mouse ears quickly detected the visitors voice and quickly exited the gatehouse. After climbing up the stairs to the wall tops, the mouse gatekeeper looked down at the newcomer.
"Guid mornin' tae ye!" shouted a mouse at the gate. His fur had a reddish-orange tint to it and he wore a green and red kilt along with a white tunic and a short goatee. "Ah assume this is Redwall Abbey?"
Dunward nodded. "You've assumed correctly. Hold on a tic, I'll get the gate open." A few seconds later, the large gate creaked open, allowing the reddish-orange-furred mouse to enter.
"Welcome to Redwall Abbey," said Dunward. "You may call me Brother Dunward."
"Ah'm Gordon Kinsley," replied Gordon as he and the Brother shook paws. "'Tis a pleasure tae meet ye!"
"Excuse me if I'm wrong, but from your attire and accent, I'm assuming you're from the highlands," stated Dunward. "I didn't expect word of the Summer feast to go all the way up north!"
The highlander grinned. "Ye assumed correctly. Although ah'm from thae North, ah've been travelin' fer aboot a couple seasons noaw. Ah 'eard that a feast was bein' 'eld 'ere and ah'm not one tae pass up guid food!"
"If it's good food you're looking for, the you've come to the right place," replied the Brother. "You've traveled quite a distance to be here, so please take a seat and relax. The festivities should be beginning in a few hours."
The afternoon was filled with all sorts of contests. Idony, a mouse maid with golden tan fur won the race of the walltops, Rune, a squirrel Dibbun, made it to the top of the greased pole, and Brother Helmut won the puzzle competition. Those who won competitions received a blue ribbon, along with a basket of baked goods.
The saying 'time flies when you're having fun' was just as true that day as always as evening soon came, bringing forth the event most creatures were waiting for: the feast. Scores of mouths watered as they gazed at the many dishes prepared for them, their noses in an aromatic bliss. Maid cursed themselves as they indulged in platefuls of fattening foods, knowing how long it would take them to lose the wait.
All eyes were on Gordon as he continued to guzzle down mugs of ales and beers. The Abbeydwellers shook their heads in amazement, never seeing a beast drink as much as the highlander.
"Look at 'im go!" exclaimed a hedgehog. "That 'un drinks as much as a hare eats!"
An otter nodded in agreement. "This Gordon fellow could definitely contend wi' Cellerhog Raeburn!"
A crescent moon hung high in the sky as the darkness of night shrouded Mossflower. Barely anybeast was up now, mostly those cleaning dishes, but there were rare exceptions such as Idony, the mouse maid who one the race, and her friend Mella, a short mouse maid with brown fur.
"That Gordon was quite the entertainer at dinner," remarked Idony. "Not to mention handsome!"
"We better keep him away from the Abbey pond or he might swallow it!" chuckled Mella. "Have you seen him lately? It's like he disappeared during the feast." Idony was about to answer when she suddenly stopped, tugging on her friend's arm. "Does that answer your question?" Lying on a pile of empty sacks was the sleeping form of Gordon, who snored thunderously.
"I guess he passed out from all that drinking," concurred Mella. "He's not going anywhere anytime soon."
A devilish grin grew on Idony's face. "Ye know, I've always wondered what a highlander wore under his kilt."
"Why's that?" asked Mella skeptically as her friend inched towards the sleeping highlander. "What are ye doing?"
"I'm just gonna take a quick peek," answered the golden-furred mouse.
Mella's eyes went wide, surprised at her friend's curiosity. "Idony, that's just the alcohol talking!"
"And I'm listening to the alcohol," replied Idony.
"But what if he wakes up or some beast sees us?" asked Mella in an attempt to stop her friend. "I'd be so embarrassing!"
Idony rolled her eyes. "He passed out, ye said it yerself. And the only beasts up are those down in the kitchens. It'll take a second." Before Mella could say anything else, Idony lifted the front of Gordon's kilt. Both mice's faces flushed red as they gazed at what was, or wasn't, under the kilt.
"Um, well then…I guess ye learn something new everyday," said Mella as she blinked finally.
Her friend smiled in approval at the highlander. "Lucky for us, this fellow's a stranger to undergarmets! Hold on, I've got another idea." She undid the blue ribbon she wore on her left ear and slid her paws underneath Gordon's kilt. Mella held her breath as a slow smile grew on the highlander's face. A few seconds later, Idony removed her paws from under his kilt. "An appendage like that deserves a blue ribbon if ye ask me." She went to give Mella a high-five, but her friend drew her paw back.
"I'll be more than glad to high-five you once you've wash your paws!" said Mella a she walked off, her tired eyes beckoning her to her bed.
Gordon eyes slowly opened, groaning slightly as his head throbbed painfully from a hangover. "Och, my noggin's killin' me! Mayhaps the 'firmary 'as somethin' fer that." He sat up, feeling something wet and sticky peel off from his back. He turned around to discover a plate half full with unfinished pasties, which he unfortunately passed out of last night. The lower half of his back was covered in sticky gravy. "On second thought, ah'll take a bath first."
The highland gazed about the Abbey pond as he undid his belt, looking to see if any beast was around. He didn't want anybeast to accidentally catch a glimpse at his genitals, especially not a dibbun, though he wouldn't mind if a lovely mouse maid took a look. Finally concluding he was alone, he pulled his kilt down to his ankles, only to find a blue ribbon tied to the end of his willy. The highlander chuckled, addressing his reproductive organ. "Ah don't know wot ye were up tae last noight, but ah'm glad ye got first place!" He hopped into the pond. "Why's that ribbon so familiar? Wasn't that Idony lassie wearin' it?"
Idony hopped out of her bed and yawned. She didn't get as much sleep as she wanted, but she didn't want to miss dinner. She was about to get changed when a knock rang from her door. "Come in!"
Gordon entered the room and shut the door behind him. "Guid mornin' tae ye Idony!"
The mouse maid did her best to stifle her laughter as memories of last night's activities flooded her mind. "Oh, good morning to you too!"
"Ah couldn't 'elp but notice ye left somethin' wi' me last night," continued Gordon. Idony, no longer able to hold in her chuckles, burst into a laughing fit. Gordon began to laugh with her, unable to resist the happy atmosphere. The two eventually calmed down, wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.
"I'm sorry if you feel violated," said Idony apologetically. "I've always wonder what highlanders wore under kilts and when you passed out, I couldn't resist."
The highlander smiled heartily. "That's quoite alright lassie. Ah've been asked wot's under me kilt more times than ah can remember, though ah'm the only beast who's seen what's under it until naow. Speaking of which, ah wanted tae return yer ribbon tae ye, but seeing how you liked stickin' ye paws up there, mayhaps you'd like to fetch it yourself." Gordon was almost completely sure the maid would slap him for even thinking such a thought, but to his surprise, she blush, chuckling as she bent down.
"So, did ye loike wot ye saw?" asked Gordon as Idony reached under his kilt.
She looked up at the highlander and chuckled. "'Twas gruesome."
Gordon tilted his head back, a wide grin plastered on his face. "Ye 'ave quoite the touch wi' yer paws. Ah think it just 'gruesome' more!"
The maid removed her paws from under his kilt, her ribbon in her paw, and gave the highlander a push. "Ye must have the filthiest mind I've ever seen!"
"Ah've got a filty mind?" repeated Gordon as he readjusted his kilt. "Yer thae one goin' around peekin' up a poor lad's kilt whilst he sleeps!"
Idony rolled her eyes as she opened the door. "If ye don't want curious maids like meself lookin' up there, mayhaps ye should wear pants!"
"That's loike tryin' tae stop a speedin' arrow wi' yer teeth!" replied Gordon as Idony exited the room.
The second night of the Summer festival was well underway. The melody of a lute resounding through the area, beckoning Redwallers to dance with loved ones. Gordon sat at one of the tables, a mug of October Ale in his right paw, doing his best to keep the two promises he made to himself. The first was to not drink until he passed out, despite last night's pleasurable outcome. The second, and most important, was to ask Idony to dance with him. Asking a maid to dance was never a problem for him, but for some reason Idony was different. When he saw a beautiful maid, he experienced some stirring underneath his kilt, but with the Redwall maid, he felt that and an unexplainable feeling within his heart.
"Good evening Gordon," said Idony as she walked up to him.
Idony's arrival brought the highlander out of his deep thought. "Oh, evenin' tae ye Idony."
The maid giggled as she rolled her eyes, sticking her paw out to him. "Yes, I'd love to dance."
"H-How did ye know ah was gonna ask ye that?" asked Gordon.
"The gleam in your eyes gave it away," answered Idony as she was led onto the dance floor. The maid wrapped her arms around the highlander's back as he wrapped his arms around her waist. The two gazed into each other's eyes as they swayed back and forth to the rhythm of the song. They were hypnotized by the other, unable to break their gaze from each other.
"Mayhaps we can go back to my room," suggested Idony. "We can get to know each other better behind locked doors."
Gordon smiled approvingly. "Ah was just gonna ask ye that. Did thae gleam in me eye give it away again?"
Idony shook her head. "'Twas the tilt in your kilt." Gordon looked down to see that his blue ribbon-winning appendage was giving his kilt quite the tilt. He looked up at the mouse maid and smiled before leaning in, both locking lips.
I hope you enjoyed the one-shot! Yes, I know it was a bit rushed and cheesy, Idony is a slut, and Gordon and I are perverted. Please R&R!