Vows
Acepilot

AN - No.29 in the Road series. Very simple fic that just seemed to write itself. Essentially just Phil's internal monologue about the love of his life, set about three weeks before their wedding. I hope you enjoy. This is simple romanticism - I'm getting back to my origins. And to the fanfic dot net watchdogs - this is not an interactive story. The "you" is Kimi.

Disclaimer - the characters in this fic are property of KlaskyCsupo.

I wonder if you know what you look like when you sleep.

I hate to sound creepy, but really, I watch you sometimes, because you just look so...beautiful. At peace. You breathe in and out, softly, slowly, and it's as if nothing else matters. Just that you're there, and breathing.

So these wedding vow things aren't getting very far, huh?

Well, what do you want me to say?

I can spin some wonderful drivel for you, if you like. About how love is something that I will forever cherish and honour and be faithful to and all that rubbish. But it's a waste of words. You and I both know them all already. You and I both know that I couldn't cheat on you if I tried. We both know that I'd die to save you. We both know that there's nothing in my life worth more to me than you.

So, that's kind of out.

What else do you like? How about something more traditional? Something about how hard life is and how we help each other through it? Nah. I don't think so. It just seems to catch in my throat.

I know, it's not exactly organized of me to leave all this until a week before the wedding, but I figure one of us has to be procrastinating. It just wouldn't do if everything was perfect.

Though, it's not like I haven't had time to work on it. You know, once, I was really worried about the fact that we were taking so long to get married. I really thought there was something wrong with our relationship - that you didn't really want me or anything, that I was just...comfortable, to you. But you didn't want to take the next step. I know, it's garbage, but I was very convincing when I came up with this argument in my head. I really felt hurt that night - I felt hurt by you, for the atrocity you had apparently committed, and I felt hurt by me, for even daring to think that you had done it.

It was last year that changed all that. I know that what happened was...I just don't like thinking about it, and I know you don't either. I still haven't told anyone. I just...I can't bring myself to talk about it. I almost told Lil. Once. When we were watching James one day. I can't remember where you were - doing something with Suzie, maybe? I don't know. Anyway, I almost told her. But then, just thinking about it, I teared up...I don't know what she made of that. Probably looked pretty weird. Me just bursting into tears for no apparent reason.

But it wasn't for no apparent reason. We both know that.

As tragic as what happened last year was, I will say one thing - it made us closer, I think. Any doubts I had...gone. Because I knew in that moment that I could never, ever lose you. That I would never ever let myself lose you. Because I knew in that moment that you were the love of my life, because despite the pain of what happened, you were there for me just like I was there for you. It was...it was horrible. But it was beautiful to have you there to help me through it. I hope I helped you as much as you helped me, even though I know that's not possible.

Yeah, but telling that story as part of my vows probably won't work.

Chuckie suggested I write a poem. I know you like the sonnets and stuff, but...I'm not really that much of a poet. Besides, I never had any tenacity for haikus, and I'd feel obliged, with your relatives there. So that's kind of out.

Remember that night, when I recited that stupid poem in bed? I was going to crack up laughing. So we were a little drunk, maybe. But it was funny, in retrospect. What did you expect me to come up with, though? You'd just muddled me up with your...prowess.

Right, so, vows.

How about just "I love you, I never want to let you go?" It's simple, it's to-the-point. Admittedly, it does sound like I didn't give much thought to it, but it at least says exactly what I want to say, and doesn't beat around the bush.

Actually, maybe not. Now that I think about it, it sounds like some kind of '80s power ballad. Maybe we'll give it a miss.

But back to the sleeping thing. When you're sleeping, you're very possessive, you know? You have this tendency to corner me against the bedside table and take my pillow. It took some getting used to, the first time. And back then we were on a real bed. Now we're just on a mattress, being pressed up against the table is even less comfortable. Nevertheless, I'm more than happy to put up with. You know why? Because you're not only beautiful when you sleep, but you give me the funniest little grin when you roll over, wake up and ask me, "What are you doing over there?"

I don't know why I agreed to this writing-my-own vows thing, anyway. I know you're doing it, and I know you're just going to come up with something spectacular. Because you always do. But my strength never came in the writing of speeches and stuff. I'm really better at just getting up there and running with an idea. Impromptu, I think they call it. Like on Tommy and Lil's wedding night. That was just all off the top of my head.

I directed that speech at you, you know.

That was a fun night. I'm going to thank them, in my speech. Because I think they probably deserve some of the credit. If they hadn't decided to elope, we never would have gotten back together, and I wouldn't be so...delirious with happiness. I can't believe you accepted my offer of a lift. In your position, I probably would have caught the bus.

I never got up the guts to ask you why you gave me that second chance. My eloquence? Can't have been. We both know I have all the verbal talent of a drowning rat. This stupid vows thing is a case in point.

I guess maybe it's better if I just never know.

I think, maybe, I'm one of the most enlightened guys on the planet.

That sounds obnoxious, I know, but hear me out. I'll justify it.

You see, I had you. I had you as my girlfriend, and everything was great. You have no idea how much I loved those first few months. I just...you could have used me as a satellite tower, I was so high above the ground. Everything was fantastic.

Or so I thought.

You see, this is what makes me enlightened - I lost you. I had you, then I lost you. That was rough, I've really got to say. I didn't think I was going to get through it. A whole year, without you. I had to spend a whole year without the opportunity to wake up beside you. That was...well, in all honesty it was unbearable. All those times when I had to see you...family gatherings, whatever - I just had to fight the urge to go over and wrap my arms around you. I kept having to remind myself that it probably wouldn't be appreciated.

I learnt a lot in those twelve months. What I did wrong, for a start. I'm not the only guy to have a revelation after they lose the love of their life through their stupidity. We're men, what do you expect? Perfection? Sorry, wrong gender.

But you see, what makes me different is this - I got a second chance, because of you. Because of your decision to take me back. Made on whatever the ground that you made it were. I know I'll never work it out.

I learnt that you - like any great love - weren't going to be easy. I had to work to win you. I had to work to win you back. But I loved you too much to let you go.

You weren't the first girl I ever dated. I didn't think, at the time, that you were the first one I ever loved. But when you dumped me, when you left me lying there, a broken man on a dilapidated couch, and walked out of my life, I realised that you were the only person I ever, ever could want. Could need. You left me to wander the world for a year a shell of a man.

But I loved you all the much more for it.

That was why I made that stupid attempt to win you back that night. Because you leaving me just told me that I'd been an idiot, that you were right, and that you deserved better. And since then, I've been trying to be that better man you deserve. I don't think I've succeeded. But I'm willing, if you'll let me, to spend the rest of my life trying.

I see Kimi's eyelid crack open in the moonlight. "What are you still doing awake?"

I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. "Just working on my vows, koi."

She smiles at me through a sleepy haze. "Go to sleep, Phil. Work on them in the morning."

Deciding to comply, I wrap an arm around her, holding her warm body close, and feel myself drifting off.

"Phil?"

Her voice cuts through my doze. "Yes?"

"Did you come up with anything?" she asks, quietly.

I smile. "Yeah, I think I did."

I wonder if you know how amazingly beautiful you look when you sleep.

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