Gone But Not Forgotten
She just stared at the body, her mind numb. His face and hands had split open and blood oozed out of the gashes. His eyes were closed, but looked swollen beneath the lids. His hair still glistened with light blue, almost unnaturally, under the light. His uniform was spotted in green from where hidden cuts had bled. His body was leaning heavily against the glass in a manner as though he had given up and had just sat down and died.
He's dead, Saavik's mind thought rationally. NO! He cannot be!
Saavik felt tears welling up in her eyes, something that had not had happen in years. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly; very slowly. Everyone there was so full of grief that they did not notice the Vulcan's tears.
Among those there was Admiral Kirk. He sat there looking at his old friend with such a agony in his eyes that Saavik wanted to cry for him. The admiral looked like he was in pain, rage, confusion, disbelief, and sorrow. Of everyone there, Saavik thought that Kirk would feel Captain Spock's death hardest. Those two had been friends for so many years; they had become legends together.
"He's not really dead," Saavik heard McCoy mutter. The doctor had said it so softly that the young Vulcan knew that she had been the only one to hear him. When she looked over at the doctor, she was shocked. The physician looked pale and nauseated. Of anyone there, Saavik would have thought that McCoy would have had the strongest stomach as he was doctor. McCoy would have had to have seen cases very similar to this in the past.
Saavik studied the doctor closer. Although everyone knew Kirk and Spock had been friends, what about McCoy? He had been there with those two on every adventure, on every history making moment. So what about Spock and McCoy? How would Leonard McCoy deal with this death?
The doctor's eyes were wide with horror and shock, as though he had never seen anything like this; and yet, it was as though he was not even looking at the body everyone else was, as though he was looking at something very different. The doctor's face had always been an open book to Saavik, as McCoy never really wanted to hide any of his feelings, but she was surprised that she was having difficulty reading it this time. The same emotions looked like they were going on in McCoy as they were in Kirk, yet McCoy… was blaming himself? Yes, McCoy was blaming himself for the death. She had heard someone say that the doctor had tried to stop Spock, but the Vulcan captain had a mission and could not have been stopped.
What a horrible feeling to know you could have saved his life, she thought sympathetically. But for how long would it have been saved? Saavik told herself sternly. Without Spock's sacrifice, none of them would be alive. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one." Spock had held this teaching to heart until the very end.
Everyone was crying and moaning, free to do so, but what of her? What could Saavik do? Nothing! She had to be emotionless; she had to be logical. But how could one try and be this strong when one knows that everything is lost? He has even taken his katra with him. All is lost. All she had now was logic, and logic was not warm, it did not comfort, it simply was.
Crewmembers waited for the admiral to give the order to retrieve the body from the chamber. No one seemed willing to go in; it seemed no one wanted to disturb the honorable dead. If only I had been here, Saavik thought solemnly. I could have gone in instead of Spock.
Kirk stood up, but did not take his eyes off the body. "Get him out," he whispered.
As the crewmen started to move was when McCoy jumped forward. "No!" he shrieked. "The radiation!"
"Doctor, please," one of the guards pleaded, his voice thick with emotion.
"That's an order, damnit!" McCoy glared at the young man.
"Bones!" Kirk bellowed. "I gave an order."
"So did I!" McCoy turned on Kirk. "I'm overriding your order! I'm Chief Medical Officer and I say it's still too soon."
"You still think there's too much radiation? Well, where were you when Spock went in?" Kirk thrust a knife in the doctor's heart. "It's your fault he went in!" It seemed Kirk was too drunk on grief to realize what he had said or that he was actually hurting his friend. Terribly.
McCoy actually staggered backwards, eyes wide with shock and disbelief. Saavik noticed the pain and guilt swelling in the doctor's eyes. He just stood there looking at Kirk as if he could not believe what the other man had said to him. The doctor stood there and stared as though he had been slapped in the face.
No one moved. Everyone stood still as admiral and doctor stood gazing at each other. Kirk's eyes were hot and enraged, the anger in him had won out, while McCoy's eyes were hollow and haunted, fear and guilt had won him over. Saavik wanted so badly to step up and say, "It's my fault! I should have been watching him!" But she knew that the claim was illogical. She was not to blame, nor were Kirk or McCoy or anyone else. It had been Spock's decision. He was the one that ended his life.
The doctor bowed his head in defeat after several tense minutes. Kirk nodded and the doors were opened. Spock's body slammed onto the floor when the doors came rushing open. Saavik inhaled sharply, as did many of the others watching. Kirk quickly went to the side of his deceased friend while McCoy looked away.
Saavik could feel tears wanting so badly to spring up again. I am in control of my emotions, she thought through the chant Spock had taught her. She watched as a stretcher was brought and they carried the captain's body away. Her captain's body away.
She closed her eyes as it passed her. She did not want to look at him, not like that. She could still see the pain and agony he must have gone through written clearly on his feature. She could hardly imagine a pain so unbearable that it actually caused Spock to show physical suffering. She shivered slightly.
"Why do they grieve so?"
The young Vulcan turned around sharply at the sound of that voice. But when she turned, all she saw was the pale face of Doctor McCoy watching the stretcher with tired blue eyes. Saavik was confused, had she really heard that? Or had she just been imagining it? Had she really heard Spock's voice again? No, she told herself. You merely imagined what the captain would say if he were here to see this.
Saavik took another deep breath and watched as everyone started to leave the depressing area. Even the engineers were leaving, no doubt putting the area on lockdown until all of the radiation and smoke could be eliminated. No doubt everyone was still worried after the doctor's vivid concern over opening the chamber.
When she turned to go, Saavik saw McCoy move over to look into the chamber that had held his friend's body only moments ago. Tears rushed down his cheeks shamelessly making Saavik's heart wrench. "Damn Vulcan!" he whispered in agony. "You never did listen to me!" Saavik was going to walk out then and leave the doctor alone in privacy, when he spoke again. "The needs of the many, Doctor."
Again, Saavik's head snapped back to look at the doctor, but McCoy just stood there looking out into space. "Is this your revenge?" McCoy muttered hoarsely. Not knowing what was going on, Saavik decided that she needed to get back to her station and work. Work would help her concentrate and would help push back unwanted emotions. She no longer had the desire to be in the room where Spock had taken his last breath. It was still too soon, and she was hearing things.
When Saavik walked back onto the bridge, everyone there got silent. The admiral was not there, and though Sulu was in control of the bridge, he was not sitting in the captain's chair. When she looked questionably at one of the other officers he looked away from her as if angry. "No one can take the captain's place," he muttered.
You don't think I don't know that? Saavik wanted to scream. Did they all really think that Spock's death did not affect her as well? Did they really think that she did not care? Did they really think her so heartless?
Saavik went to take her seat at the science station, only stop. She looked down at the seat as though it had jumped. Only moments ago, Captain Spock had sat here; moments ago he had made the decision to end his life to save the others…and her. Why hadn't you taken me too? Saavik thought sorrowfully. You could have sent me in and you would still be alive.
Knowing that just standing there and not wanting to sit was illogical, Saavik took her seat and looked at the controls of the station. As she began to work she realized that Spock's fingers had been typing where she had only moments ago. Fifteen minutes and point zero…zero…? Saavik shook her head slightly. The exact amount of time seemed irrelevant at the moment. She had to help in repairing the ship as best as she could. She looked through the scope and watched the Genesis planet form. It was remarkable, all of the swirling vortexes coming together to form the planet.
As her excitement grew, she almost called out for Spock to see the events. Sorrow slapped her in the face again and she looked down at her hands, knowing that Spock was not going to come. He would never come again. He's dead, she told herself. He can't be!
"Remarkable, isn't it?" Saavik looked up to see David Marcus standing by her while looking at the viewer at the planet he had helped create.
"It is," she responded bluntly.
David looked down at her in confusion. The younger man did look like a Kirk to her, but he did strongly favor his mother, both in coloring and interests. "You look tired," he said with a small smile, reminding the Vulcan of the admiral.
Saavik looked at him and raised an eyebrow, which she immediately regretted as she pictured Spock responding in the same manner. She did not like the way Marcus acted, especially so soon after the captain's death! "I am capable of performing my regular duties and —"
"Come on," he said. "You need a break. Besides, I want to talk about the science behind the planet. I thought that Starfleet had wanted to know about that?"
Normally, Saavik would have taken such an invitation in a moment, but she no longer felt interested in the planet. She was only there to see it formed because of Spock. She would have rather died with him than to be left behind in agony of his passing.
"You may go, Saavik," Sulu said, looking at the two young scientists. "We're not going anywhere for a while."
Saavik looked at Sulu and realized that he wanted her to go. It seemed that everyone was stiff and they seemed slightly resentful seeing another Vulcan at the science station so soon. She was not trying to take Spock's place! She was just trying to be useful; something Spock had always told her was the best thing to do.
The young Vulcan gave up; she could not understand humans and their type of emotionalism. David smiled down at her and offered her his hand to get up. He is a Kirk, she thought sarcastically and stood up on her own without David's help. It was clear that David still had to learn that you never touch a Vulcan.
The two made their way to the lounge and mess hall. Once seated, David ordered himself a hot drink. "Would you care for anything?" he asked politely.
"No, thank you," she said as she took a seat, wanting to die. Saavik really had no desire to sit around with everyone. What she really wanted was to be left alone.
David sat down opposite her, and for a moment, just sat silently taking a sip of his drink. "Coffee always makes me relax," he smiled at her. Interesting, Saavik thought, considering that it is full of caffeine. "So, Saavik," he began, "I understand that you were the chief science buff on the Enterprise."
Rage filled Saavik with each word that left David's mouth. How could he be so insulting? "I was not," she said, trying admirably to keep any emotions from her voice. "The captain was the leading scientist aboard the vessel." She knew that if she had said Spock's name aloud she would have started crying.
David shrugged and sipped his coffee. "Yeah," he said after he was finished, "but you were his student, weren't you? And since he's dead—"
Blinded by furry, Saavik stood up from the table. How could he talk so disgracefully about Spock? How could anyone? Her Vulcan side was gone, and the Romulan side came in full force. She glared deadly at the human with burning brown eyes, making him shrink back. And before he could try and smooth his way out of anything, Saavik walked away, leaving young David sitting there knowing now that you can indeed insult Vulcans.
As she walked away, Saavik chanted in her mind that she was calm and in control, but the Romulan blood could not be cooled so easily. She strode to her quarters and noted slightly how everyone cleared a path for her. They are afraid of you, her Vulcan half said. Good. They should be, the Romulan side said. As she went, she thought of the day. Spock was dead—she mourned. She could have stopped it—she felt guilty. Others thought she did not care—that angered her. She had to take Spock's place on the Enterprise—that pained her. David had spoken disrespectfully—that infuriated her.
When Saavik walked into her room, she looked around as though afraid that something would jump out at her. The heat flooded in around her and a slight chill went through her body after coming in from the cold hall. She looked around, again. Everything was the same. After everything that had happened that day, after all the pain and suffering everyone had gone through, her room looked exactly the same, with the exception of a few items on the floor that had been knocked over.
Saavik leaned against her door, tired. With her wiriness came sorrow, with sorrow, fear, and with fear, anger. Saavik tried to fight off the tears again, but this time she could no longer control it. She had gone through so much, held in so much that she could not hold it anymore.
The damn burst. Tears streamed down Saavik's face and she felt ashamed. She became angry, angry with herself for letting Spock go, angry that Khan had forced Spock to die, angry that no one had stopped him, and angry that Spock had left her here alone. "You said that you'd always be here for me," she whispered in the dark.
She became so angry that she grabbed her desk chair and threw it across her room. She threw everything on her desk onto the floor. She pulled the bolts out from her bed that held it to the floor and flipped it over. She sent everything she had, everything she could, flying and smashed everything on the floor.
Once she had calmed, Saavik looked around at her work. She had broken so many things and destroyed so much… She began to shake, was this what Spock had taught her? No! He had taught her to never lose control, to never give in to her emotions. "What have I done?" she whispered to herself in horror. Overwhelmed by her regret and sorrow, she sank to her knees and wept.
Saavik lay on the floor and cried until she no longer had any tears left to cry. There was nothing left in her but sadness. Her rage was gone, nothing but a dying ember. She felt like an empty shell and all she wanted to do was die.
Her mind was in turmoil and there was no one that she could turn to, no one that would understand. She was now the only Vulcan aboard the vessel and she felt so alienated. Here she was, half Vulcan—half Romulan and completely alone. Spock had been the only one that she had truly trusted, he had been the only one that truly knew what it was like being torn between two worlds, perhaps more than she did, for he was the first hybrid.
Spock had been the one that had saved her and the others from Hellguard, he had accepted her as she was, he had vouched for her and the others to the Vulcan counsel, he had seen to it that she had a place to live, he had seen to her education, he had guided her in Starfleet, he had helped her with her emotions, he had taught her the ways of Vulcan, he had been her mentor, he had been her teacher, and most important, he had been her friend. Everything she was today, everything she had today, was because of him. She was free from the Empire, a citizen of the Federation and of Vulcan because of him. She was alive that day because of him. So why was she not completely thankful now? He had always done what was best for her, but why had he left her like this? He had to have known that his death might very well bring about hers as well.
Suddenly more tears began to run down Saavik's cheeks again. She did not know where they came from, but they were a bitter comfort. She just wanted to lie there and drift off into nothingness. She just wanted to be with Spock, to see him, to hear his voice one last time, to see him without the radiation affects, but standing tall and watching her as he had since she had met him. Just one last time…
When Saavik woke up, she looked around her room in a daze. She was confused as to what had happened when the memories came slamming back. The tears also came back, but she refused to cry. She did not need to cry anymore; she was a Vulcan, she was in control.
When she stood up, she straightened her uniform, trying to collect her dignity. Her head began to spin and she almost fell over again. Angry with herself for her own weakness, Saavik forced herself to take several steps before she went to check the time. She did not trust her own reasoning of time after her strong display of emotions.
It was two o'clock in the morning, civilian Federation time. She had only slept for an hour and a half. That was just as well with her; she no longer wanted to be in her dark room, left alone to do nothing but remember. Perhaps I would be in more control while out in the lounge. That will force me to be in control lest I shame myself in view of others.
With that resolve, Saavik made sure that there was no longer any tears in her eyes or about her face before she quickly changed her uniform. She hastily combed through her messed hair and put on her boots. 'This is as good as it's gunna get' she thought, quoting one of McCoy's sayings.
As she made her way down to the lounge, Saavik noticed with some discomfort, that she was the only one in the halls. She met no one on her journey. Everything seemed empty. Like my soul. She wanted so badly to just get the lounge and end her depressing walk. She felt— illogically— as if she should not even be out at all.
When she finally made it to her destination, all the Vulcan wanted to do was sigh. What I want is illogical, she sternly told herself. She took another illogical deep breath, straightened up, and entered.
The room was dark, with only candles to provide light and the bar glowed a soft blue. There was a soft hum of voices talking here and there, yet it was quiet enough that no words could be distinguished. Everything seemed mournful and added to Saavik's depression. I wish Khan would kill me, she thought dryly. Instead of the upbeat human chatter she had been expecting, everyone seemed as solemn as Vulcans. When I don't want it.
Saavik chose a table by herself close to the corner. She noticed that there was already someone sitting in the corner that she would have preferred, but decided that since everything was so dark the table close to it would suffice. She was not picky at the moment, all she wanted was to be out of her room. Although there is not much difference right now.
When the waiter came, she ordered a drink and closed her eyes when he turned away from her. She had many memories, even here, with Spock. They had come here on occasion and had talked for hours over the refit and the concepts of the new warp drive system. Spock had also taught her more about the custom of humans in a setting such as this, and their tendency to get drunk, whether in depression or happiness. She wished she could get drunk at the moment.
"He's dead," Saavik heard the person in the corner mutter. "You're dead!"
She turned her head slightly and looked over her shoulder. It was McCoy. He was the one in the corner, and from the looks of it, he was one of those humans trying to get drunk. Empty glasses were littered on the table and the doctor held another in his hand. It was full of some potent drink.
"He died from radiation. It's over; he's dead and never coming back! Then why the hell can't he leave me alone!"
McCoy must have left from engineering and come straight up here Saavik thought. And he's been drinking the whole time.
"He's not dead. He's alive!" his hoarse whisper broke her thoughts.
"Yes!" came a voice not the doctor's own.
"All's not lost!" McCoy's mutter returned. "I need to tell Jim! What do I do now? If he's not dead, what are they going to do with the body? Lord! They're going to blast it out into space!"
"Vulcan! We need to go to Vulcan!" the other voice whispered.
Saavik felt the color from her face drain. Was that…was that really Spock's voice coming from McCoy's lips? What was this, some sort of trick? What was wrong with McCoy?
Although confused, and a bit frightened, Saavik stood up and walked over to the doctor's table. "Saavik," came a warm greeting that was not quite McCoy's normal voice. Wary of the doctor, the young Vulcan sat down and looked once more at all of the glasses that littered the table. "Daddy always said gentlemen never drink alone," he said and poured her a drink as well.
"Doctor, are you…well?" she asked and let some concern slip into her voice. She really was concerned for the doctor's health.
The physician cocked his head slightly at her. "Me? Oh now, sugar!" he said in a full- blown Georgian accent. "You're sweet an' all, but I'm a' just fine now. How are you?"
Terrible. "Doctor, are you intoxicated?" she decided to be blunt.
"Me?" came a shocked reply. "I've been a drinkin' since I was fifteen years old and I ain't never got drunk a day in my life. The nerve," he went on in an unconvincing anger. "A McCoy, drunk! I ain't ever seen the day!"
Convinced now that all she had heard was a drunken man's ramblings, Saavik decided to take the poor man back to his office to get sober. After all, there were many people that needed McCoy, having him drunk was potentially wasteful and truly dangerous. "Please come with me, Doctor," Saavik said as she hoisted the man up.
"Let go a' me, dagnabit!" McCoy wrenched his arm out of her hands once he was standing. "What do you think you're doin'?" he asked, eyes blazing and seemingly sober.
"You need to get back to your office, Doctor," she said calmly. "You are drunk. I will escort you back to sickbay."
The blue eyes only hardening, and the flushed face only reddening as McCoy glared at the Vulcan fiercely. "I'm not drunk, Saavik," he told her sternly. "My head just really hurts." He carefully pointed to it, as though showing testimony to his claim.
Saavik had heard that many humans would deny their drunkenness and thought that McCoy was one who might as well. "Please come with me, Doctor," she said again, softer. Truly, she had no fight left in her at the moment.
McCoy's ice blue eyes seemed to melt into warm tears. "You know," he said softly. "I've always been the first to say how unfeeling you Vulcans are…but, I know now just how much feeling you have," he chocked. "How do you do it? How do you just bottle your grief up? I never stopped to think, but this must be torture for you. He was like your father, wasn't he?"
Saavik stood in shock, staring at the doctor with tears rapidly filling her eyes. How could McCoy be intoxicated and this sentimental at the same time? Was he really drunk or was he drunk on grief? "Doctor," she pleaded, wanting him to stop. McCoy nodded and he began to walk forward. Saavik stood there a moment longer trying to compose herself before she followed McCoy out.
The Vulcan walked with the doctor until they entered into sickbay. McCoy did not seem to notice Saavik still standing there and went straight to his computer. She was surprised to see that he had called up Vulcan. From where did they get the power? she wondered.
"This is Vulcan central," came the emotionless response.
"I need Ambassador Sarek and Lady Amanda. Priority one," McCoy responded almost as impassively.
"The ambassador and his wife are not at their home. They are off planet, but should be returning sometime this morning."
"This is an emergency," McCoy said tiredly. "Just let me leave a message at their house then. Or wait, when are they going to be back?"
"Please wait," the Vulcan said, as he seemed to be looking up files on a different computer. "They will arrive in four hours, twenty four minutes, and thirty six point two one seconds."
"Thanks for that," McCoy mumbled. "I need to leave them a message then."
"Please wait," the Vulcan said once more before McCoy was patched through. It was then that Saavik understood the doctor's intentions.
The screen came back on and McCoy knew that he was recording. "Hello Ambassador, Lady Amanda, this is Doctor Leonard McCoy calling from the Enterprise," he paused briefly. "I'm…I'm sorry to say that I'm not just calling for pleasantries, but I am calling on urgent business." Saavik wanted to cry.
"There, uh… there's been a terrible accident. As you well know, S-Spock was conducting a training mission. That mission was interrupted when a…a mad man got loose," there was anger in the man's voice. "The Enterprise was the only ship that could stop him." Again McCoy paused a moment and tears began to well up once more. Saavik wanted to cover her ears.
"We had stopped him, but…but he had managed it so that he'd take the Enterprise down with him. Your son… Spock…he…he saved us all. He managed to get the Enterprise away, but…" tears ran down McCoy's face openly. "But"—McCoy took a deep breath—"Spock didn't. He was caught in the radiation chamber and was…was dead before we could have helped him… I'm so sorry," McCoy had to stop to catch his breath before he continued. "He died a hero's death… 'I grieve with thee,'" McCoy spoke the ancient Vulcan words perfectly. "The Enterprise is cutting all unnecessary communication lines, so you will not be able to contact us. My deepest… ah hell," he said as a new wave of tears flooded out. "I'm sorry," he pleaded once more before the line was cut.
McCoy looked down. Saavik looked away. Both cried.
Saavik left McCoy alone with his grief. He had just done something she knew she could have never done. He had faced Sarek and Amanda, although not directly to their faces, but he had still left the message. What a terrible part of the job, to have to call up the decease's loved ones and tell them that they have passed. Saavik wondered with all her Vulcan training if she could have done it.
She was walking out of the office when something caught her eye. Someone was in sickbay, all alone, and with no doctor to look after them. Saavik walked closer and her breath caught in her throat when she realized who it was. It was Spock, lying on the table, still not cleaned up from the radiation.
The young officer just stood there looking down at her captain's face. It looked blacker and more scared than it had when she had last seen it. Blood still seeped out of the gashes that were revealed and it pained Saavik to look at the pale, gray face. Yet, she could not look away from him. She had been so close to him all of these years; he had been her father figure. How, then, could she look away and deny him?
Tears swiftly rushed down Saavik's cheeks as a wave of utter grief filled her once more. Blinded by misery and listening to only her heart race, she did not hear someone come up behind her. "He wouldn't want us to grieve," McCoy said suddenly.
Saavik did not turn; she just could not look away. "I…I know…but…" she trailed off, too upset to continue.
"He cared for you a great deal," McCoy went on. "I know… he told me."
He had told McCoy? Spock had actually told someone that he cared for her? It lightened Saavik's wounded heart, but for only a moment before her anguish came crashed back down because she knew that she would never know that care, and perhaps love, again.
"You should get some sleep," McCoy said quietly. When Saavik was going to protest when McCoy spoke again. "I'll take care of…of him."
She turned and looked at the doctor with watery brown eyes. He looked so tired, as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. His blue eyes reflected grief and pain, as though he was too weak to do, to try, anything. He was not well, but he was going to endeavor on and he would do whatever it took to keep everyone going.
"I could stay to help you if—"
"Go, Saavik." McCoy shook his head sadly. "You need more rest than I do," the doctor's face was grim.
If she needed more rest than McCoy, then what did she look like she wondered? But there was no use arguing with the doctor. He obviously wanted to care for his friend's body alone, perhaps as a way to appease his guilt. Saavik supposed she would never know.
As she slowly walked out of sickbay, watching the assumed drunk man start to clean the body with the greatest care imaginable. His hands shook up until he touched the marred skin, then his unsteady fingers were still and gentle as though he did not want to cause any more pain.
"It is illogical to grieve like this," McCoy muttered with that voice that was not his own.
"Damn it! How can I not grieve!" he hissed in his own voice again.
"It was a gift, Doctor, not a punishment."
"Call it what you want, it's still the same in my eyes!"
Saavik stood listening to the muttering for a moment longer before she closed her eyes and told herself that she really did need sleep and that she was only hearing the mutterings of a drunken man. Perhaps she was going crazy? Or perhaps McCoy was; yet he did not seem to notice anything out of the usual. I must rest, she thought wearily.
So the young Vulcan left the doctor to do his own work and decided that there was nowhere on the ship that she could escape Spock. He had formed this ship into a highly sophisticated and highly efficient piece of technology. It met Starfleet's requirements, but had a slight flavor of Vulcan that seemed to make it function better than any other ship in the fleet. Spock had taught her and her classmates everything there was to know about Starfleet and the worlds unknown. He had guided them all with a patients that no one else had and answered question no matter how odd they may have seemed. He had been the perfect mentor, and now he was gone.
As Saavik walked back to her room, she decided that she should clean it up before anyone came in and saw the mess. Upon arriving to her destination, when she started to pick up the broken data types and glass from her various belongings, she stopped and almost fell over. Tears suddenly came back when she saw something that was not supposed to be there.
She carefully, lovingly, picked up a small sheet of paper. On it was neatly scribed note in Vulcan.
I need to discuss your career with you as soon as possible. Starfleet is interested in sending you on a deep space assignment as soon as you are finished with this training mission. Please report to my office for discussion.
Spock.
Saavik took in a sharp breath. She realized that she had not been in her quarters the entire time they were going after Khan. Spock must have come in here once before, and found that she was not here. But where did he find actual paper? And why had he used such a precious sheet on her? And how did he find the time to think about Starfleet assignments when they were being chased by a crazed man?
The tears just could not stay in her eyes. They came running down, and this time she did not care. What was the point now? Everyone else was crying and no one cared for her anymore. Her Starfleet career did not seem to matter anymore. Going home to Vulcan did not really appeal to her either, though she knew Sarek and Amanda would take her in if she asked. Deep down, she also knew that they would want her back to help them recover from their grieving.
She folded the note gently and placed it in an actual book Spock had gotten her. It had been a birthday gift when she had declared that she would be attending Starfleet. Spock had given her a precious book, a copy of all of Surak's teachings. She had been so pleased when she had received it, but now, it was only a painful reminder. Where is your logic now?
The young Vulcan flipped the bed back up and sat down. He was gone, just like that, he was gone, out of her life. His gray and blackened face still showed its ugly picture into her mind; she could not get it to stop playing over and over again in her mind. His handsome features were swollen and slightly disfigured, his hands were burned so badly that the sensitive telepathic and reproductive points had been fused and damaged into the unsalvageable mess. It hurt Saavik each time to play it through her mind.
More tears just slipped silently down her cheeks. She useless to stop them. She could not stop the pain and she could not think about repressing them. She was alone with nothing more than memories. If only he had given her his katra then she could at least have the satisfaction of knowing that there was hope. But what now? His body was dead and so were his memories and soul. Why should she stop them from spacing his body? There was nothing now, there was no hope.
Saavik looked at herself in the mirror as she dressed for the funeral. She had been in control of her emotions for more than four hours and she felt that she could tolerate the wave of emotions from her comrades. She just kept chanting calmly as she went about her business.
When Saavik knew that there was nothing left for her to do, she made her way out into the hall and to the funeral. It was now six hundred hours and she felt like she was just floating along instead of walking. Perhaps the side affect of shock?
As she stood ready, she noticed McCoy standing by himself looking out at the stars. He seemed almost peaceful, as though in deep meditation. Almost…Vulcan.
When Kirk appeared, everyone gathered and stood in absolute silence. Not even a cough was heard. Everyone was at the strictest attention Saavik had ever seen of them. McCoy came just a second later and stood near Kirk, looking stern. Not a tear could be seen now in his blue eyes now; there did not really seem to be any more sadness. He seemed completely at peace with the world.
Kirk spoke with thick emotion and as his words left his mouth, Saavik was sent hurtling back into memories she did not want to relive here. She was supposed to give the order for the tube to be spaced, but she could not find her voice, she did not trust it. Thankfully, Sulu's shaky voice gave the command so that she did not have to. And like that, Spock was gone, as if he had never lived at all.
Those that had gathered stood still for several minutes as Scotty continued to play Amazing Grace. Once the song was finished, no one dared move, they all kept at attention, no one shifting, no one talking. The air seemed to thicken, and tension was stifling.
At long last, Kirk turned, and walked out. Sulu, trying desperately to control his breathing, and no lose control, dismissed everyone. Solemnly, the crew trickled out, but no one dared speak. It was silent when they arrived, it was silent when they left. In the end, it was only Saavik and McCoy left, both still staring out into the blackness of space.
"I…"McCoy started, but then trailed off. Saavik turned to look at him with tears rolling down her green flushed cheeks. "I just can't believe that he…that he…"
"Yes, Doctor," the Vulcan said quickly. She did not want to hear the rest of what the man was saying; not now. She wouldn't be able to take it.
"We'll have to go to Mount Seleya when we get back to Vulcan," McCoy muttered. "Mustn't keep it too long."
Hearing about Seleya only reminded Saavik of what had been lost. Why hadn't Spock left his katra? Surely he knew that he would not survive the radiation! Why then did he go to his death without leaving behind the only comfort that he could have given?
But then Saavik's eyes widened in surprise when she realized just exactly what the doctor had said. "Seleya?" she turned to look at the man. "Why would we go to Mount Seleya?" she asked.
McCoy blinked several times, as though coming out of a dream. When he looked up, his eyes held unshed tears, and he stared at her for a moment before he shrugged. "I…I don't know. I just thought that going there might help."
Frowning, Saavik shook her head slowly. "No, Doctor." She took a deep breath. "There's no reason to go there anymore." And before McCoy could have stopped her, the young Vulcan ran out.
"Poor girl," McCoy said softly. "She really loved you."
"She needs taking care of," a strange voice came from McCoy's mouth.
"Damn Vulcan! Why did you have to go?" the doctor broke down once more, and wept silently alone.
Looking over her belongings, Saavik indulged herself, and sighed. Everything that she had, which had not been much, was now packed away. The little room that she had occupied was now empty and she was glad of it.
Grabbing that note that Spock had written to her, Saavik took a deep breath before she walked out of her quarters and made her way to the admiral's quarters. When she arrived, she was almost immediately let in. She was greeted by Kirk's haggard looking face, telling Saavik that the admiral had not had much sleep, if any, for a while.
"Saavik," Kirk tried to smile, but it failed. "Come in."
Feeling uneasy, the Lieutenant stepped in, trying to act every bit the Vulcan she was. It was hard to see the admiral looking so forlorn while she too felt terrible. But she had to be somber, she had to be completely in control. Spock would want her to always be in control.
"What can I do for you?" Kirk asked, while sitting back down on his couch. He motioned for Saavik to do the same.
"I am leaving," she said flatly. "I was going to be reassigned soon anyway, and I want to leave the Enterprise."
"What?" the admiral sat up in surprise.
"I was going to be reassigned," Saavik said again, hoping she was not being too obvious in her reasons for going. "Sp…the captain left me a message telling me of the chance to transfer, and I'd like to take that opportunity, admiral."
Understanding flittered across Kirk's face in a moment. Of course he would figure out why she wanted to leave. It looked as though he, too, wanted to get off the ship as well. "Very well, Lieutenant," the admiral nodded once. "I'm sending you with David to observe the planet."
Kirk's quick reply had Saavik believing that perhaps the admiral had already been thinking about sending her away, but she ignore the insult that she felt. This was, in a way, what she wanted. She got her transfer, quickly and easily; no fighting required.
"Thank you, admiral," she said gently.
"I just…" Kirk began, before he looked away. "Just watch after David, will ya?" he tried to make up for his fault, but Saavik saw through the man's disguise easily.
Saavik gave a small nod. "Yes, sir," she said quietly before she exited the room, leaving Kirk to fight off his tears.
Saavik sat in the shuttle silently and watched the Enterprise get smaller and smaller as they sped away. David was talking on and on about something the Vulcan was not even paying attention to. Her mind was focused on the ship that she had just left and everything that she had just left behind. She had not really wanted to study the planet that had, in a sense, helped to kill a person she loved, but what other choices did she have? At least she had no memories of or with Spock on the ship she was going to now, or the new Genesis planet.
Closing her eyes, Saavik pictured Spock standing before her, his red uniform pressed and immaculate, his face peaceful. That was her Spock, the one she had loved, the one that had loved her. Except he was gone now, and she would never see him again. She had seen McCoy one last time before she had gone, and he had tried to tell the others that Spock was not really gone. The doctor had been wrong. Spock was gone, his body and spirit...but Saavik would never forget him.
Author's Note: FINALLY! You don't know how long I've been working on this! Wrote this while I was still in...high school?...but now I think I've fleshed the idea out and made it not so terrible anymore. :3 Well, this is obviously about Saavik after Spock's death, and it's also showing McCoy's change, getting used to having a Vulcan mind in his head along with his normal human brain too. I always wondered why no one saw McCoy's apparent insanity right away (probably because no one knew that The Search for Spock was going to be made after) but I thought I'd attempt to give some sort of explanation. Everyone just thought McCoy was grieving (which he was).
Please let me know what you think of this. It's probably not the best I've ever done, but hey, this idea's been haunting me since like...I really can't remember. I'm thinking high school, but it could have been grade school (yes, I was one of those children). But let me know what you think without the flames. (Cuz I may end up redoing it) Thanks!